NPD Dad trying to groom me

[dun4]

tell him I know what his agenda is?

I'm supposed to be going abroad to see my father in a couple of days. I stupidly agreed to go at a low point.

I have severe mental illness from being brought up by him and my mother. The kind where you can't function. He abused all of us, including our cat, physically and psychologically.

He has been recording phone conversations, obviously to use against me at some point and I believe as a way to identify my weaknesses.

He admits he loves Machiavellian type of people.

-He puts me down, as obviously I have made huge mistakes from being very mentally ill since childhood. But I have just kept going and going and trying to move on despite having gone through a lot of traumatic experiences that I just shrug off.

-He criticises me as a mother

-He shows resentment over money he had to pay my mum in divorce and now he's saying that me and my siblings basically took his money! He says he's got a solicitor, as my mum tricked him in the divorce 30 odd years ago. The truth is he lost money, as he split up with affair partner and then made terrible financial decisions. But he blames us not himself.

-He shouts at me to rent and not buy a house. I think this is so I have cash in the bank that is readily available for him to try and con out of me. He has been revealing his true motive about phoning me all the time, as he's started to talk about "investments." It's in an indirect way but I can tell that's why he is showering me with attention and keeping tabs on me and trying to get information out of me. He did say don't say no to an investment proposal straight away though. So it's indirect and direct.

Anyway today he was laying on a guilt trip about how he saved me when the rest of my family and my partner were ganging up on me. Which is true he did something that actually helped me. I ended up in hospital with a physical condition, but I think stress probably brought it on. But boy oh boy do I owe him now in his head, it's so obvious. I can see his manipulation tactic with me is guilt and obligation. He started with his sly digs today again, which he has been doing for months and I said one thing back to him and he couldn't take it and told me to fuck off and he put the phone down. He always wanted me to come on my own abroad and I have been worried about it as I think when I turn down his investment proposal he may turn violent and hurt me.

He has deleted a text to me on what's app (I didn't see what it said) and now sent a guilt trippy message to me as I think he thinks this works better on me.

Bottom line is I don't want to go now. I told him I have mental illness but I haven't let on that I know he has been grooming me so I "invest" in other words basically hand over all my money to him! Shall I let on that I know what he's up to and he really resents me and my siblings and is only talking to me to get my money? I am starting to feel guilty that I don't want to go, but I'm too scared.

Can anyone give me any advice please? I have no one I can trust in this world which causes the mental illness to break me down even more.

This website is full of people going NC with their parents for absolutely no reason.

This is the first time I've read a post and thought immediately the only thing to be done here is to break all contact, forever, and involve authorities eg police to protect you.

Please also seek counselling so that you can slowly work towards a calm and peaceful life

Hun he is playing mind games with you. Please please do not go to him. Stay where you are and the minute u tell him you're not coming and he starts his shit with abuse and threats u hang up and block him.try to record his calls and messages and don't let him change your mind. This is a dangerous man and he is still abusing you. He is very evil and is only going to hurt you.
Has he ever apologised for the life he made you suffer?. All he sees now is 💰and he will take it from you. Trust your gut. Don't be rude or nasty just say things have changed and you no longer can come and visit. Then take it from there. Best of luck but don't do what he wants he is trying to trap you. Evil man.

@SoulSearcher13 yes I am very familiar with this. I too had some sort of awakening that you speak of after went no contact with the family and realised that the abuse I was experiencing from a partner was not my fault. My personality definitely changed. I just need to get back to that. As he's been phoning me a lot and keeping tabs on me so to speak. It's unnerving me and I'm not able to focus on myself as I'm accused of ignoring him.

@Sassybooklover No I won't give him anything. Just because he did the right thing by me once as he should have done it doesn't mean I have to invest in whatever he wants me to! I need to stop that stupid mindset.

He will use this against you. Tell him nothing ever, ever again. I am pleased to see you’re intending to go NC.

Your life will be so much better when you one day decide it's time to never speak to him again. I hope you find the strength soon 🙏

How old is he? He sounds like a man facing a much less salubrious retirement than he thought he would, grasping in desperation to get money from anywhere he thinks he can get it.

You guys have been identified as sources/marks.

Probably because he has few options.

Probably because, like most narcs - he's burned too many bridges and made too many people think "I'm outta here" and is perhaps not attractive or charming enough to scam a woman into keeping him or letting him get in a position to get her money.

If he did meet one, I have a feeling you wouldn't be hearing much from him.

I have a feeling you didn't hear much from him when he had his divorce settlement/assets.

Narcs only come knocking when they need money, or something similar.

You’re an adult, you can choose to not go. No ones going to come and drag you by your hair.

I don’t understand what he’s “grooming” you for, though. Maybe I didn’t understand the wording.

I've just realised the other thing that caused my npd sister to stop contacting me (in addition to me taking the piss) was me starting to ask her for stuff, and ask her to do stuff (in parallel with her asking me).

They really really don't like giving, obligations, making effort, being unselfish etc etc.
If you keep making things reciprocal and making requests of them, they will stop contacting you. They don't do stuff for other people. It's all about you giving them stuff and doing stuff if them, if you keep asking (ever so politely and reasonably), they scarper.

Op thinks he's grooming her to "invest" in something (financially).

@Imbusytodaysorry

It's funny you use the word terrifying as whenever I think of a word to describe my childhood I always say terror.

I think a previous poster suggested I have an unfounded paranoia about him, but believe me the stories I could tell would absolutely shock you. It is spoken like somebody who has never experienced a real terrifyingly, psychopathic person. This is not just towards people in my family it is anyone who crosses his path that he wishes to pick on.

@StrawberryDream24 thank you, I was a bit lost!

@dun4 I’m honestly confused as to why you’re still in contact with this person if he’s genuinely that terrifying. Just cut him off.

Yes that's what happened today he sensed that I wasn't taking his put downs and couldn't take one little one back and he lost it.

Funnily enough where he lives now a man he befriended said apparently said something along the lines of "I told you there was something not right about him" and another woman said to him you are very critical. These are people he's just met and they already said stuff like that.

I wasn't taking his put downs and couldn't take one little one back and he lost it.

He thinks he's Machiavellian but he sounds like he can't control his temper, ego etc.

Funny.

Funnily enough where he lives now a man he befriended said apparently said something along the lines of "I told you there was something not right about him" and another woman said to him you are very critical. These are people he's just met and they already said stuff like that.

His PD sounds too major for him to fool many people for long

He wouldn't be trying to schmooze yourself and your siblings if he had any options.

Yes trap me on my own in a foreign country. He wants to make his @investment" proposal whilst I'm there, as he's been hinting non stop. My gut has been screaming at me not to be alone with him.

I'm actually too scared to go now anyway.

@StrawberryDream24

You really get it! Like only someone can who has been through this nutso behaviour.

I feel for her son xx

Just block the guy.

He lives abroad so it's the perfect time to do it.

Have done with him forever.

Have compassion for YOU.
Protect yourself. And your kids. Who should NEVER be around abusers. Protect them.

Fawn response I guess - appease to try to manage them because you're scared. I know it's difficult to understand. I know it stems from fear though.

Start enjoying it, then. Seriously: you do not have to give one tiny, shiny, shit what complaints or critiques or moans he makes about you. Consider them badges of honour.

I think the thing with most narcissists is that they underestimate people and think that they are actually smarter than them, which in a lot of cases isn't true.

You've worked out what his agenda is, so you're not thick. You can turn this in on itself, even if you only say to yourself (and not him! Never let a narc know that you've pegged them!) "I know what your game is..."

You need some HG Tudor, on youtube. He has a channel called knowing the narcissist and there's a lot on there I think you'd find really useful.

You know this.
You need to distance or even cut yourself off from your abusive father and family.
You need to manage your own finances and don't get talked into handing any money over to your Dad for "investments' .
Then you can start to heal and build a life for yourself and your son.

It’s not difficult to understand, however you do not live in close proximity anymore. You have the actual necessary physical distance to put a stop to this.

To add - I had narc parents and I'm amazed that I didn't turn out that way myself - I think outside influences prevented that. I have chosen narcs for relationships on a few occasions though and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I've met male and female narcs, covert and grandiose; some very malignant and some who think they are clever but weren't as smart as they thought they were. Of the 3 narcs I've had relationships with, two were psychopathic. You are in grave danger if you go. You know you are being manipulated - enjoy the moment where you give some completely transparent reason not to go to see him and then take some power back and block him. It'll REALLY piss him off not to have that control over you, as you likely already know.

Then, look for ways that he will try to reach you and close those off too. A smear campaign? So what, no-one gives a shit after a while. Could threaten your profession? Let your employer know, because this is at its core, DV, albeit familial DV (not that this lessens it in any way, but I've found is taken much less seriously by the police etc).

Definitely don’t visit him. Block him.