NPD Dad trying to groom me

[dun4]

tell him I know what his agenda is?

I'm supposed to be going abroad to see my father in a couple of days. I stupidly agreed to go at a low point.

I have severe mental illness from being brought up by him and my mother. The kind where you can't function. He abused all of us, including our cat, physically and psychologically.

He has been recording phone conversations, obviously to use against me at some point and I believe as a way to identify my weaknesses.

He admits he loves Machiavellian type of people.

-He puts me down, as obviously I have made huge mistakes from being very mentally ill since childhood. But I have just kept going and going and trying to move on despite having gone through a lot of traumatic experiences that I just shrug off.

-He criticises me as a mother

-He shows resentment over money he had to pay my mum in divorce and now he's saying that me and my siblings basically took his money! He says he's got a solicitor, as my mum tricked him in the divorce 30 odd years ago. The truth is he lost money, as he split up with affair partner and then made terrible financial decisions. But he blames us not himself.

-He shouts at me to rent and not buy a house. I think this is so I have cash in the bank that is readily available for him to try and con out of me. He has been revealing his true motive about phoning me all the time, as he's started to talk about "investments." It's in an indirect way but I can tell that's why he is showering me with attention and keeping tabs on me and trying to get information out of me. He did say don't say no to an investment proposal straight away though. So it's indirect and direct.

Anyway today he was laying on a guilt trip about how he saved me when the rest of my family and my partner were ganging up on me. Which is true he did something that actually helped me. I ended up in hospital with a physical condition, but I think stress probably brought it on. But boy oh boy do I owe him now in his head, it's so obvious. I can see his manipulation tactic with me is guilt and obligation. He started with his sly digs today again, which he has been doing for months and I said one thing back to him and he couldn't take it and told me to fuck off and he put the phone down. He always wanted me to come on my own abroad and I have been worried about it as I think when I turn down his investment proposal he may turn violent and hurt me.

He has deleted a text to me on what's app (I didn't see what it said) and now sent a guilt trippy message to me as I think he thinks this works better on me.

Bottom line is I don't want to go now. I told him I have mental illness but I haven't let on that I know he has been grooming me so I "invest" in other words basically hand over all my money to him! Shall I let on that I know what he's up to and he really resents me and my siblings and is only talking to me to get my money? I am starting to feel guilty that I don't want to go, but I'm too scared.

Can anyone give me any advice please? I have no one I can trust in this world which causes the mental illness to break me down even more.

@dun4 please block him, for your own peace of mind. No contact means don’t contact him. If you must, say “I’m not coming over; will be in touch when my health improves” and then block. Cut him off, I just don’t understand why you leave the communications channels open given you know how he will mess with your head?

You are allowing this @dun4 that is your part today. You are giving him power over you, you are not taking responsibility for your own well being. These are the choices you are making here and now. There are better ones you can make.

You can block him. You can put your phone away. I would do as the previous poster suggests send him one message and then block. Then take it day by day and change from the choices you used to make.

Understandably you have built him up into an all powerful monster in your head but he is a sad pathetic man hundreds or even thousands of miles away.
He can do nothing as long as you give him no power

He won't believe any of the excuses. He knows we aren't on benefits etc.

Well you could use any other scenario that applies to your situation. Whatever it takes to make him think you don't have any spare money whatsoever.

It looks like he's mostly only after money so he'll go away if he thinks there isn't any to be had.

Well done op.

Just say you think you've got norovirus or a terrible flu.

Side step some big emotional/psychological bullshit discussion.

(And him trying to keep you communicating).

I'm feeling less able to hold it together as I get older for some reason

Are you peri menopausal/menopausal?

That can cause women to feel a lot of anxiety.

No. Say as little as possible and have as little to do with him as possible. NC if he's really that bad.

Just btw, people generally don't give a rats about family gossip. If they do, they're not worth knowing..

You've had excellent advice troughout the whole thread, OP.

Well done for letting him know you're not visiting. Well done for not engaging anymore.

Block and go NC. If your siblings are also nasty, same. Feeling guilty is not half as bad as feeling used/ exploited/ manipulated / put down / belittled / (fill in the gap)...

Get that trauma therapy sorted asap. Even if you feel better in the evening, any therapist will be able to identify your trauma responses in what you tell them.

Focus on your wellbeing. Stay away from anyone who grinds you down.

@AgnesX You're right! couldn't give a rat arsh about what others think.

@AlwaysLookForward Thank you it took a lot for me to do that. An absolute gem on here told me about the counselling after the GP kept saying all I could get was free CBT which is utterly useless. My siblings are nasty and I was told by a professional it's because it was every man for himself when I was growing up, so we aren't close. They probably say the same about me which is probably true too.

@StrawberryDream24 Ah yes that's what he's trying to do get me into a psychological discussion with that stupid question. You really do read these people well!

I know all you guys are right and I won't say I know what you're up to, but how dare you resent me and my siblings after the hell you put us through! I owe him zilch. I really can't fathom the cheek of these people.

I have found my anger and I am going to try and find some passion for life again.

Op, it sounds like you had a shit childhood mostly due to this man and perhaps your Mum too (well definitely your Mum because it sounds like you were terrorised by him as kids and she must have let him do that, until he presumably left her when you were 11).
Other adults presumably failed you too.

You had no control or autonomy then. You could go nothing about that shit part of your life. But you have absolute autonomy now, and it's your life to live, enjoy, and make as good as you possibly can for you and your loved ones. Focus on what makes you happy, fulfilled, relaxed, inspired ..... on looking after yourself and your child, on enjoying your life. Cut the rest out. There's enough stress in life with trying to make ends meet etc. without batshit, nasty, abuser narcs and their machinations.

My eldest sister was advised by a counsellor to go NC with my narc sister after writing her a letter. She did. I think that was one of the most relaxed, clear headed periods for her. Then she got back in contact and she's regularly stressed and frustrated etc. by her. They are not good for people's mental or physical health. And they cannot change.

You can have very low context with your npd abuser Dad or you can have NC. But it's on your terms. If and when you want. This incident, where you've got back in contact a bit, and confirmed that he's a self serving, predatory, manipulative user (I think you're entirely correct in your impression of what he's saying about investments) ..... Would appear to just reinforce that NC might be the way to go.

It makes sense what someone said re "every man for themselves" in an abusive household. Most people would just keep their head down, be glad it wasn't then getting attacked in some way on that occasion if someone else was getting it (they were getting a break), it would put people in survival mode in the way it's used when referring to women in DV situations.
And of course those fractured, selfish, "survival" relationships might not be healed.

At the best of times siblings often don't get on and have lots of tensions, resentments, rivalries etc.

I owe him zilch

Less than zilch.

He owes you a decent childhood, or compensation for the fact that your childhood can't be changed.

Money for counselling for the trauma

He owes you for all the money a decent parent would have spent on their children, far above minimal child maintenance.

Many parents leave their kids an inheritance, he clearly won't be. Or if he leaves anything, presumably it will be to his child with his AP.

That's a huge deficit.

Instead he's only thinking of himself and, has some bizarre notions about his kids from his first marriage owing him (how? He sounds mentally ill tbh) and appears to be trying to schmooze money out of them.

As I said, narcs are a perversion of parenting.

He'd also need better control over his temper and his loose lips to be "Machiavellian" ....
He's leaking his preoccupations and motivations out all over the place.

He sounds like a mentally ill, delusional old dickhead.

Hi@dun4 I have no doubt in my mind that you have C-PTSD. I would love to recommend The Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube who is a bit American in her approach, but you will find lots of “a-ha!” moments when you recognise your responses to growing up like you have. (I also had monstrous parents.) It’s a free resource, anyway.
I recommend EMDR therapy, which is hard to find but super effective for most forms of ptsd if you wish to desensitize specific elements. I found when my mother died (she was my main abuser) I was re-traumatised (I nursed her and she did not mellow at all - she became more hostile) my ptsd became quite paralysing and I was useless to my DH and kids. I needed to pull myself out quickly and this was what worked. I found I became stuck in the trauma with talking therapy.