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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Domestic violence and verbal abuse - ever justifiable?

97 replies

geordish · 26/12/2024 01:03

ive him full access. I also have pictures of all the bruises I've had hidden in my phone in case I would ever need evidence of abuse - I've never ratted on him to police even though he has called the police on me and said I abused him (I never fight back ever). Neighbours have also called police when he's been violent and I've screamed but I've always denied any violence. The police referred me to safeguarding anyway and came to the house to give me a Claire's Law disclosure which showed a history of DV arrests many times previous relationships but he's always said it's them being violent first but because they are women a man is never believed. Tonight when I denied my password he flipped and punched me in the ribs, stamped on my hip then tried to strangle me before ripping top open and dragging me down the stairs to put me out of the house. I'm at his parents house now on sofa. Is it my fault? It seems a silly question reading back on this post, and deep down I know the answer but my perception of reality is so skewed with 4 years of physical and mental torture that I don't know what's real and what is not. I'm in bits and can't think straight. I'll guess I'm looking for validation, reassurance and hand holding. What do I do?

OP posts:
mossylog · 26/12/2024 01:05

Sorry you've gone through that hell. You know the answer, it's never justified and you need to get away. You can do this.

2ndtimeluck · 26/12/2024 01:06

Call the police.

Divastrout · 26/12/2024 01:07

You need to leave and call the police.

Divastrout · 26/12/2024 01:08

This is Never OK

JoyousPoet · 26/12/2024 01:08

No, it is absolutely not your fault. Nothing ever justifies abuse. Do not go back to that man - your life is in danger. So sorry you are going through this.

Call the police and Women's Aid or Refuge tonight. Go somewhere else not known to him. Please, OP, be safe. Xx

Original poster
geordish · 26/12/2024 01:11

geordish · 26/12/2024 01:03

ive him full access. I also have pictures of all the bruises I've had hidden in my phone in case I would ever need evidence of abuse - I've never ratted on him to police even though he has called the police on me and said I abused him (I never fight back ever). Neighbours have also called police when he's been violent and I've screamed but I've always denied any violence. The police referred me to safeguarding anyway and came to the house to give me a Claire's Law disclosure which showed a history of DV arrests many times previous relationships but he's always said it's them being violent first but because they are women a man is never believed. Tonight when I denied my password he flipped and punched me in the ribs, stamped on my hip then tried to strangle me before ripping top open and dragging me down the stairs to put me out of the house. I'm at his parents house now on sofa. Is it my fault? It seems a silly question reading back on this post, and deep down I know the answer but my perception of reality is so skewed with 4 years of physical and mental torture that I don't know what's real and what is not. I'm in bits and can't think straight. I'll guess I'm looking for validation, reassurance and hand holding. What do I do?

The first part of my post seems to be missing but long story short I'm asking is it ever justifiable to use violence. I went on partners phone (wrong I very much know and admit) but I suspected something and needed proof but he found out and I admitted straight away but then when he asked for my password I refused. Violence escalated immediately after a full day of violence on Christmas Day - even in front of his parents). I have nothing to hide and would have shown him eventually but I refused at first. He has history of snatching and hiding my phone when I'm on it to deny me access to emergency services, my online banking, and he checks my messages, emails and photos constantly
*I have just been diagnosed with a serious long term health condition as well and when the violence escalates I find it harder and longer to recover from.
I think I'm so worn down by all of this that I don't trust my own perception anymore .

OP posts:
Comtesse · 26/12/2024 01:13

Blimey he must be a proper bad’un if the police proactively informed you about his past abuse issues. It’s not you it’s HIM. No one deserves to be treated with aggression and violence - you shouldn’t put up with this Flowers

Original poster
geordish · 26/12/2024 01:24

I've come to mumsnet for a long time but never had the courage to post before but I think something changed today when it escalated so rapidly that I got the courage to finally put it down on a post and reading it back I know it looks and sounds horrendous that I'm even shocked myself.
Thank you to the posters so far for the posts, just to have that validation is such a huge relief.
It's such a big step for me to even admit it to anyone that it's been happening to me.
His mum said when I got here at midnight after walking the streets wrapped in a sheet that yes on Xmas Day it was was his fault and he was in the wrong when I told her about latest incident that I was in the wrong (yes I was and said that) but that this time it was my fault for provoking him.

OP posts:
Original poster
geordish · 26/12/2024 01:30

I've given him so many chances after he said sorry and he said that it wouldn't happen again and that his past has turned him into an angry person and he has ADHD and I've reflected a lot on that and given him the benefit of the doubt and accepted blame when situations have been my fault but Xmas Day I told him he'd lose me if he ever raised his hands again...and then he did so I feel like I should follow thru but I would lose everything in my life if I ended it with him- job, home etc and in the past I've gone back because it's easier and I do love him (probably trauma bonded) and want to help him with his anger issues and managing ADHD but at what expense?? x

OP posts:
mossylog · 26/12/2024 01:41

His mum is always going to want to think he's better than he is, ignore her when she says you shouldn't have provoked him— good men don't hit their partners

It'll be hard leaving, but you'll feel so much better, safer, more yourself when you're not worried about being his punching bag

midtownmum · 26/12/2024 01:47

He's an abusive bastard and his mother is enabling it. You AT MOST deserved him to say "I don't like it when you snoop through my phone, can you not do that again please?" He will eventually kill you. You deserve so much better than this.

midtownmum · 26/12/2024 01:48

Also the ADHD has nothing to do with it. Nothing.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 26/12/2024 02:45

Do you have children?

Please please get away from this evil man and his awful parents.

He will hurt you more and more.

It is never justifiable. Never. And it never ever gets better. Only worse.

Plantoleave · 26/12/2024 03:04

You are not to blame. Nothing ever justifies using violence towards someone unless it is fo protect yourself.

He is an abusive twat.

Please contact the National Domestic Violence (Refuge) 24 hour hotline 08082000247 immediately (provided it’s safe for you to do so) for help to escape. I would also recommend you contact the police right away.

His abuse is escalating - as he has strangled you you will been deemed high risk so should be able to get support to leave. He won’t get any better he will only get worse. I say this after spending 12 months attending women’s aid and sitting in a room listening to a number of women that have gone through similar to you.

He is the ARSEHOLE and unfortunately you need to do wherever it takes to get yourself to safety.

if you’ve never seen the cycle of abuse wheel google it - it was eye opening for me - my support worker said “once you see it you’ll never not be able to see it” meaning once you recognise its abuse you won’t be able to not recognise it. When the realisation came to me I really struggled so give yourself compassion BUT most importantly get yourself to safety.

YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS - YOU ARE ENTITLED TO FEEL SAFE AND NOT WALK ON EGG SHELLS

If you are struggling to make that call get yourself to a safe place count down from 5,4,3,2,1 then do it x

parietal · 26/12/2024 03:34

His violence towards you is never justified. He is a very dangerous man and is likely to get worse. Please call Women's aid or the police and stay away from him. If you go back, he will hit you again. If you leave, it may be hard at first but you can be free from the anxiety and fear that comes with living with him.

What are the living arrangements? Any children? Do you rent together?

StrawberryWater · 26/12/2024 04:40

Violence is never justified.

Report this man to the police.

AncientAndModern1 · 26/12/2024 04:49

He’s a monster. He doesn’t love you. Men like this do things like gouge their partner’s eyes out, give them permanent brain damage or kill them. There’s no going back from that. Call the police and get help to leave. They know what he’s like. Why do you think you would lose everything?

Ladybyrd · 26/12/2024 05:03

If you live together, I would leave his parents and go to my own, or a friend's, or a DV shelter if needs be. There is no parallel universe where this will get better. The notification from the police was the last nail in the coffin. You can either leave now, or stick around for more beatings. If you have children, you owe it to them to get out.

Lexlum · 26/12/2024 05:08

Violence is never justified.

His mother is not on your side here. She is 100% enabling him. Any normal, decent man would not hit you for looking on his phone. This is abhorrent and absolutely not justified on any level!

He is using his ADHD as another excuse to continue hitting you.

He is cleverly finding ways to make his behaviour seem reasonable, to excuse it and place the blame anywhere but on himself.

He has a history of violence on ex partners as you have found out and has made no effort at all to address his problems.

This is ALL on him.

Staying with this man is not an option OP. He will kill you.

Please contact

Lexlum · 26/12/2024 05:11

Sorry posted too soon.

Please contact Women's Aid or the National Domestic Abuse Helpline and get yourself to safety.

Then report the oxygen thief to the police.

You can do this OP. We are all here to support you.

Angelchick1971 · 26/12/2024 05:13

I'm reading this whilst having a bath in preparation for my shift today.....in a high security mens prison that is full of people like him that eventually kill their partners. It happens more times than you'd think. For God sake(and your own) leave today,go to the police they will help you they've shown you his truth. Good luck

temperance81 · 26/12/2024 05:19

Domestic abuse is never the fault of the abused please stop thinking like this. He is a waste of space and is a arsehole. Please go somewhere safe and contact the police. Don't ever go back to this man. Violence only escalates. You have done nothing wrong x

lifesrichpageant · 26/12/2024 06:31

OP this is NEVER NEVER okay or justified. Please save your life and get out.

EverybodyLovesString · 26/12/2024 06:44

geordish · 26/12/2024 01:30

I've given him so many chances after he said sorry and he said that it wouldn't happen again and that his past has turned him into an angry person and he has ADHD and I've reflected a lot on that and given him the benefit of the doubt and accepted blame when situations have been my fault but Xmas Day I told him he'd lose me if he ever raised his hands again...and then he did so I feel like I should follow thru but I would lose everything in my life if I ended it with him- job, home etc and in the past I've gone back because it's easier and I do love him (probably trauma bonded) and want to help him with his anger issues and managing ADHD but at what expense?? x

My husband has ADHD and has never laid a finger on me or anyone else.

Please tell the police. You have to get away from this man. He could end up killing you.

category12 · 26/12/2024 08:04

Crikey, OP. Please get help from the police and maybe go into refuge.

ADHD has nothing to do with how this man behaves.