Domestic violence and verbal abuse - ever justifiable?

[geordish]

ive him full access. I also have pictures of all the bruises I've had hidden in my phone in case I would ever need evidence of abuse - I've never ratted on him to police even though he has called the police on me and said I abused him (I never fight back ever). Neighbours have also called police when he's been violent and I've screamed but I've always denied any violence. The police referred me to safeguarding anyway and came to the house to give me a Claire's Law disclosure which showed a history of DV arrests many times previous relationships but he's always said it's them being violent first but because they are women a man is never believed. Tonight when I denied my password he flipped and punched me in the ribs, stamped on my hip then tried to strangle me before ripping top open and dragging me down the stairs to put me out of the house. I'm at his parents house now on sofa. Is it my fault? It seems a silly question reading back on this post, and deep down I know the answer but my perception of reality is so skewed with 4 years of physical and mental torture that I don't know what's real and what is not. I'm in bits and can't think straight. I'll guess I'm looking for validation, reassurance and hand holding. What do I do?

My son has ADHD and he would never be violent to anyone, ever. He’s a lovely kind soul. He is using that as an excuse for his appalling behaviour. He is a criminal who repeatedly abuses women. He needs to be in jail as he is a danger to women. Stay at your parents if you are safe there. Contact women’s aid for support and advice. Call the police and tell them what happened. Non fatal strangulation is a very, very serious crime. Statistically, women who have been non fatally strangled by a partner, have a higher rate of ending up being murdered by that partner. This is no joke. You need to understand that this man could quite easily kill you. You’re out. Stay out. Do you have any children?

I realise your head will be all over the place as he has been gaslighting you, using darvo against you and has conditioned you to doubt your own reality. You will be trauma bonded. But I am telling you now, having supported many women going through and survivors of domestic violence and abuse, this man will never change, he will only get worse and you are in very real danger of being permanently maimed or killed by him. Do not go back. Please contact the police and show them all the pictures, tell them of all the times he’s been abusive and physically attacked you, def tell them he has strangled you. You have done nothing wrong. Your behaviour did not provoke anything. He chooses to be violent and abusive to you because he can. And it is a choice. When he says he’s sorry, it’s just a lie to reel you back in and have you where he wants you and because you are trauma bonded, you will run to the scraps and lies he gives you and cling to them. This is not love. He doesn’t love you. You don’t love him. You are trauma bonded and that is not love, not is it your fault. Please read these links, especially the book. It will help get your head straight. And speak to women’s aid and ask for an IDVA.

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/ending-domestic-violence/what-is-trauma-bonding

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-is-the-cycle-of-abuse

https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/gaslighting

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

You are literally going to die if you stay in this relationship. I hope you get the help you need to get out.

@geordish

You might want to consider getting a cheap second phone if - as you say elsewhere, I think - that he takes your phone tp prevent your access to emergency services. Keep it hidden. You also really do not want to rely on his DM/DF for support. They are the ones who have not prevented this problem

None of this is your fault and violence is never ever justified. Even if you'd been a terrible partner (which I'm sure you weren't) you would never deserve to be abused or attacked. No one does, even though he'll have you convinced it's all your fault it's not.

You will be so psychologically manipulated by him that this will be hard to see but you need support to leave him safely. Be wary of what you tell his parents and ask the police or women's aid for advice to make a plan to leave safely before you tell him it's over (don't tell him ever or until you're out of the house with your essential paperwork and things and safe). Check your phone for tracking software.

Your life is at risk. There is help available.

Hi OP
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence Domestic
Violence]] page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

Abuse is never justified - that's why it's called abuse rather than 'arguing'. What your partner has done to you is not just abuse, it's horrific abuse and I will bet not a single ex partner started on him. I hope you can escape to safety soon.

What usually happens is that the abusive man is doing other shit - cheating, trying to cheat, lying, being extravagant, gambling, using drugs, financial abuse etc. etc. and his partner raises the issue/dares to challenge him about the issue ....he becomes violent during the "discussion" - because he's angry he's been caught out, because he's angry he's being challenged (in his mind he's in charge and she has no right, no matter what) and he then spins that as the woman "starting it".

You see if you stayed in your doormat position and let him do what he fancies, when he fancies, how he fancies , without complaint, challenge or question; the violence (his violence) wouldn't have happened. That's how men like him think.

I realise your head will be all over the place as he has been gaslighting you, using darvo against you and has conditioned you to doubt your own reality. You will be trauma bonded...

This.

The real "job" in a domestic violence situation is the head job the abuser does on their victim.

Part of that imho is that their victim thinks people tell the truth, that their partner must tell the truth .....

Their partner appears so sincere/convinced/earnest/adamant that this is what happened (my exes were violent and I got caught up in it, and the police believed their lies that it was only me who was violent", "you wound me up, you set me off, you wouldn't do Abc that I asked, you did ABC that I told you not to do") and in a continuation of our naive automatic childhood assumption that people tell the truth (especially people we're bonded with/intimate with etc.) we think they must be telling the truth.. They wouldn't lie about that, would they? How could they?

Well, people lie all the time.
Just because anyone says anything, no matter how convincingly, doesn't make it true.

People lie when it's in their interest.

People actually convince themselve that their lies are the truth; to the point where they're very convincing.

He's lying.

He's lying about his exes, and he's lying about you being to blame for his choice to be violent.
He would choose a decidedly different path to express his annoyance etc. if he was dealing with a big bloke who could beat him down.

(And I bet what he's getting annoyed about is completely unreasonable and unfair too, from your op).

At some point you have to gain some very healthy skepticism.

It's long past time for you to gain that skepticism op; to see his past for what it is, to see him for what he is, and to free yourself and open a new chapter of your life.

Otherwise you're going to get kicked around, battered, hurt, mistreated, and abused - while you deal with a chronic illness - for the foreseeable future.

That's not even getting on to the other types of abuse he's been subjecting you to.

(That's if you don't end up dead from a serious injury that didn't get treated quickly enough because he stopped you from phoning the emergency services).

I do love him (probably trauma bonded) and want to help him with his anger issues and managing ADHD but at what expense??

No.

His anger issues are not your responsibility to resolve.

ADHD doesn't make.people.violent. Some people woth ADHD are violent just as some people without ADHD are violent. It has nothing to do with ADHD.

Let's just pretend though that his violence is due to poor impulse control and an inability to self regulate when overwhelmed.

Those are still his problems to solve.

Do his hit, punches and kicks hurt less because he has ADHD? No. Do they matter less because he has ADHD? No. Did the police tell you that it's fine to be abused if your partner has ADHD? No.

Is this really what you believe the purpose of your one precious life is? Because I don’t even know you and I know it isn't.

I would lose everything in my life if I ended it with him- job, home etc.

You need to get set up with a home, no matter whether, of your own.

WA, citizens advice, housing association etc can help you. Upir chronic health condition may help you get houses faster.

If you co own with him, time to see a solicitor about a sale and getting any equity, or him buying you out.

Why would you lose your job? Do you work for him/with him?

You obviously need to get a new job. And if you've invested anything into a business with him, get legal advice to getting it out.

an inability to self regulate when overwhelmed

He can self regulate and think clearly enough to remove op's phone when she's looking likely to phone the emergency services (resulting in the police knowing he's battered a woman again).

Quite clear thinking then. Not so overwhelmed then.

Doesn't mind leaving her injuries unassessed or treated either.
He reminds me of child abusers. I know the op is an adult but the way dead or injured kids end up having a whole range of half healed/healed/unhealed injuries from multiple assaults ....... That's what this reminds me of.

He's evil like the people who do that are evil.

What sort of creature could not only not help, but actively obstruct a hurt, injured person from getting medical help & treatment.

So they don't get caught committing a crime. So they don t get any consequences for committing a crime. Funny how they self regulate to avoid violence when it's not women and children.

I would lose everything in my life if I ended it with him

Well you could lose your life if you don't end it with him.

A house is just a house; it can be replaced, sooner or later.

A job is just a job, you can get another job, sooner or later.

It's not worth being battered and hurt and your life risked (esp given he's strangled you and punched your ribs where all your vital organs are), as well as all the other abuse in your posts.

Oh I completely agree.

That's why I said 'let's pretend...'

The key is in the words Violence and Abuse. Never justified.

Domestic violence and verbal abuse are NEVER justified. NEVER. You need to get away from this dangerous, abusive asshole and his enabling mother.

Yeah sorry I wasn't disagreeing with your post, just sort of expanding on it.

It’s is not your job to fix him or help him, OP.
He doesn’t help you does he ?
Does he help you get treatment for the injuries he inflicts on you ? Nope!

Why are you so keen to help him?

He needs to take responsibility for himself.

He only has “anger issues” with you ( and previous partners)
Does he have “ anger issues” with society in general ? Work colleagues ? Other males in his life ? No !
Impulse control towards others ? No!

He keeps the horrific behaviour for you alone ! And he knows perfectly well what he’s doing.
He does not have anger issues or impulse control.

ADHD has nothing to do with it btw.Loads of lovely people with ADHD. It does not cause violence.

You need to report him for assault and abuse OP

Please do so asap. And perhaps get checked out at a hospital.

Call a refuge and get emergency assistance

I just wanted to post to let all of you good people know that I am ok, I just haven't been alone to be able to post on here.

I'm truly blown away by the compassion, support, validation, acknowledgment and friendship I have received. I'm reading and rereading all your posts and gaining strength and hope.

I will post again to try and update and answer any questions you have asked.

I have no children with him but he has from previous relationships. 2 of those kids are no contact. Only recently back in contact with one.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your continued support xxxx

I hope you managed some sleep - have you had any medical assistance yet?

Make sure you're eating and drinking, you need your strength.

Women's aid now has a chat function as well as a forum:

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Please call the police xx