Domestic violence and verbal abuse - ever justifiable?

[geordish]

ive him full access. I also have pictures of all the bruises I've had hidden in my phone in case I would ever need evidence of abuse - I've never ratted on him to police even though he has called the police on me and said I abused him (I never fight back ever). Neighbours have also called police when he's been violent and I've screamed but I've always denied any violence. The police referred me to safeguarding anyway and came to the house to give me a Claire's Law disclosure which showed a history of DV arrests many times previous relationships but he's always said it's them being violent first but because they are women a man is never believed. Tonight when I denied my password he flipped and punched me in the ribs, stamped on my hip then tried to strangle me before ripping top open and dragging me down the stairs to put me out of the house. I'm at his parents house now on sofa. Is it my fault? It seems a silly question reading back on this post, and deep down I know the answer but my perception of reality is so skewed with 4 years of physical and mental torture that I don't know what's real and what is not. I'm in bits and can't think straight. I'll guess I'm looking for validation, reassurance and hand holding. What do I do?

Violence/abuse is never justifiable ever but you know this. Men like this do not change.

Please do not go back to him and please bear in mind that this parents, whilst saying he is wrong , will be ultimately supportive of him as he’s their son.

Do you have family who can help you?.

Absofuckinglutely 😡

Does he batter the postman? Shop assistant? Random passerby? This enabling disgrace of his mother?

ADHD my arse.
He's a monster.

The only amount of violence and abuse in a relationship is: none. No it is not at all your fault in any way. He is a vile, vicious man and you need to get away from him before he kills you or maims you for life. It is so sad that your boundaries have been so messed up that you could even for one moment think that you or any woman could deserve this treatment, or that it could be blamed on anything you have done.

Get away from him and stay away. You are worth much more than this. X

The only time any 'violence' is ever remotely ok is it it's back slaps or the Heimlich if someone is choking.

His mother will never think badly of him, even if he murders you - which is the next step if he is strangling you BTW because she is his mother. If he is violent then she has to take responsibility on the way he was raised and what he was exposed to as a child and she won't do that.

If his dm was a decent person she would call the police on your behalf. I know I would if my ds was violent towards anyone.

came to the house to give me a Claire's Law disclosure which showed a history of DV arrests many times previous relationships but he's always said it's them being violent first but because they are women a man is never believed.

What a terribly terribly unlucky man he is to have encountered so many women who are violent towards him and who are believed when they lie about it.

Terribly unlucky.

Incredibly (by which I mean not credible). unlucky.

And here he is being repeatedly violent towards you, while claiming you are violent and (have I got this right?) even reporting you for violence.

What a huge coincidence.

You need to call the police before he eventually kills you. I know it is hard
Stop telling yourself you are "ratting" - that is bullshit. Doing the right thing often feels hard but it's still the right thing.

Good lord @geordish 😢 I'm frightened for you. Next he could kill you. And you know there will always be a next time.

I have ADHD. I have never ever hit or been violent to anyone because of it. Please leave him. You say you'll have nothing but if you stay with him you could die.

He is an animal who has never been socialised properly. I read somewhere that it takes the average abuse victim 7 times to leave. Your ability to make sense of the situation in his favour is common and it happens a lot but it isn’t real. His behaviour is cruel, calculated, manipulative, dangerous, uncaring, yer there is a small protective part of you very deep down that is begging you to protect yourself. That is the truth your ability to defend his actions is a lie you are telling yourself to hold on to your attachment to him but it is false. You can walk away and you need to walk away.

Let’s help you get out.

What’s your housing situation? Do you have a job? Do you have parents or family of your own?

It will be hard but you MUST leave him, now, before he kills you. And his mum can’t be trusted to help you.

Mate, he has a record as long as his arm.

The likelihood that numerous ex partners were violent towards him but he wasn't believed and it was recorded as violence by him is extremely unlikely.

The likelihood that that was the case, and he has been repeatedly violent towards you ... Is again extremely unlikely.

Some (a lot) of abusive men claim their partners are violent, and try to get in first with accusations ... because they know they might be reported (again). They know it will put the women off reporting him.
He knows he's increasingly fucked the more reports & records he gets. He may eventually face a sentence. He doesn't want more reports. That's why he's trying to stop you from reporting. That's why he's trying to get in first by saying you're violent.

The man who ended up shooting his head teacher wife and their young daughter dead with a shot gun, reported her for hitting him before he did that. Apparently he was a victim of domestic violence ....yet weirdly his wife and young daughter were the ones who ended up dead at his hands. Some victim.

It's a common strategy - accuse the woman of violence, get in first with your story.

He can accuse you of being violent to the police all day ..... He's got a rap sheet the length of Santa's pressie list. He's got previous. The police know the score. You just say he's lying and tell them he's been extremely violent to you too. No-one is going to think he's telling the truth and you're lying. They even warned you formally about him.

.

His mother sounds sick in the head.

No wonder she's got a son like him.

Get away from him ....quickly.

Do it safely.

Speak to the national domestic violence line and/or women's aid. WA has a web chat system, I'm not sure if they still have it. They'll have an emergency number.

He has already seriously injured you but he could do worse in terms of serious injury or death.

Is this piece of shit worth your life, your health?

Is he, fuck.

Get away from him, just like all his previous girlfriends have had to ..... Before you become the first one he paralyses or kills.

Oh and my nephew has ADHD .... He's never been violent this partner.

That's an excuse.

A shit one.

You could do the worst things in the world, and still, violence would not be justified. Verbal provocation is no excuse. The only time you can act legally is in self defence, and even then it has to be with reasonable force. Every time he does it, he's breaking the law, so is it any surprise he lied about the past to you?
The police know the truth and have been trying to get you to accept it. You don't get credit for hiding things as long as you can, you end up dead that way.
Call womens aid, it's high time you stopped hiding this. Hope no children are involved.

Also he doesn't have anger issues .... He's abusive.

If he has anger issues, he would have a very long record of assaults on men, fights with men, fights with bouncers, losing jobs due to anger and violence, road rage incidents, periods in prison, assaults on the police and authority figures, injuries etc. His property would be constantly damaged and destroyed by him. (Not just other people's property).

But I bet the vast majority, if not all, of his violence is against women. People who can't give him a kicking, people who are much much less likely to injure him than vice versa.

Men like him don't usually have the bollocks to take on other men.

He doesn't have anger issues, he is abusive. He chooses who he gets "angry" with, who he lets himself "lose the rag" with.

(And even if he did have "anger issues", I wouldn't advise any woman to stay in a relationship with him. It's his job to solve them, not a woman's. You couldn't help him.)

But, as it is; it's not anger issues. He's just a violent abuser.

I hope your ok this morning, if you don't think you can call the police at least please go to a & e and let them check your injuries and they will document them. Strangulation can cause internal neck injuries.

What do I do?

Get away from him and stay away.

This guy might paralyse or kill someone sooner or later.

He punched you in the ribs. I've seen cases where men died from their broken ribs puncturing their lungs or heart. It happened too fast for them to get to hospital.

He strangled you. He could, even accidentally, asphyxiate you or damage bones in your neck.

He could accidentally paralyse or kill you, even without intending to.

Strangulation is also, from statistics, a common thing men who go on to kill partners and ex partners, do.

All those reports to the police ...... They weren't the women being violent to him, lying and being believed. How stupid do you think the police and the doctors are? They would record and injuries on the women and any on him. They would note down the stories/accounts carefully.

He's done this repeatedly before, and now he's doing it to you.

And, just think, there are many women who - like you - didn't report him. The police rap sheet is probably only a fraction of what he's done.

It's not in any way normal for some to violently attack and assault their partner when arguing about anything. It's normal to fall out, leave, maybe end the relationship.

(Also I bet you were checking his phone for a good reason. I bet his other behaviour is shit too).

Get out and stay out. You know it's wrong on every front. You say you know inside. You're 100% correct.

ADHD has nothing to do with DV. So, this DV and difficult relationship has been going on a long while. Are you going to make a change and get out today? Dont go back, get friends to collect your stuff. Do you have friends to stay with temporarily?

You need to do the freedom course re DV - you have evidence - the police wl believe you. It's about responsibility - abuser tell you it's your fault and we are primed to believe them. It's his responsibility- he chooses to HIT YOU - counseling for you - lots of women have been where you are - you need to report him - it takes time to get to this stage for some of us - some women leave and never return after 1 incident - he could kill you - do not tell him your plans - these men are very sensitive to any changes in our behaviour towards them - violence is never ever acceptable - also read Lundy Bancroft - why does that - it's a free download - it's about abusive men and the reality is THEY KNOW WHAT they are doing - they choose to silence YOU - they are not out of control - they are in control. I wish you well. Xx

He has a significant history of battering (and probably strangling) women.

His lies;

"I didn't do it, it was actually them".

Suuuure thing matey.
All those women battered you, and fooled the docs and the cops.
And somehow you - defenceless, victim you - is now battering and strangling his girlfriend.

Shouldn't it be yourself, op, doing the punching and kicking and strangling - rather than him? If he has such a harrowing history of being a victim of violence by women. I mean, he clearly repeatedly chooses violent women, so how come it's you with the rib and pelvis injuries and the post strangulation neck, and not him?? How come it's you posting on a forum for help, not him?

It couldn't possibly be that he's lying, could it. I'm sure he's very keen to have you not report. He probably wonders what might happen to him with another serious assault on his record.

His excuses

"It's because I have ADHD".

Nope.
I know people with ADHD who don't batter their partners.

"It's because I have anger issues".

Nope.
He's just abusive .

How many men has he battered?

Even if it was "anger issues" (it's not) ...if I was gaining a police rap sheet that length for domestic violence due to my "anger issues", I think I'd maybe take a break from relationships ...maybe get some help. But I bet he doesn't, he just moves on as fast as he can to his next victim.

OP he's going to kill you. His mum's place isn't safe as he's attacked you in front of her and she's done nothing.

Please contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline now and get some advice about a refuge.

There are so many kind, compassionate, harmless people in the world that have suffered terrible abuse and all sorts of trauma that never EVER use their difficult pasts as an excuse to be abusive towards others. His mum is an enabler to him, and whatever she tells you, you should not listen to. Your sense of reality has been warped by his emotional and psychological manipulation of you - but believe us all replying to you on this post that what he has done and is doing to you is absolutely abuse. It is illegal. It is inexcusable. It will get worse. Get the police involved now and cut off all contact with him. Sending you so much love and hope. X

I've been married over thirty years and have two adult DSs (also a DD). DH and DSs all have ADHD. I promise you none of them have ever been abusive physically. They can open their mouths before they engage their brain and I'll make concessions for that, but the only acceptable level of abuse is none. Do not excuse this man. He could easily kill you next time.