Domestic violence and verbal abuse - ever justifiable?

[geordish]

ive him full access. I also have pictures of all the bruises I've had hidden in my phone in case I would ever need evidence of abuse - I've never ratted on him to police even though he has called the police on me and said I abused him (I never fight back ever). Neighbours have also called police when he's been violent and I've screamed but I've always denied any violence. The police referred me to safeguarding anyway and came to the house to give me a Claire's Law disclosure which showed a history of DV arrests many times previous relationships but he's always said it's them being violent first but because they are women a man is never believed. Tonight when I denied my password he flipped and punched me in the ribs, stamped on my hip then tried to strangle me before ripping top open and dragging me down the stairs to put me out of the house. I'm at his parents house now on sofa. Is it my fault? It seems a silly question reading back on this post, and deep down I know the answer but my perception of reality is so skewed with 4 years of physical and mental torture that I don't know what's real and what is not. I'm in bits and can't think straight. I'll guess I'm looking for validation, reassurance and hand holding. What do I do?

His mum's place isn't safe as he's attacked you in front of her and she's done nothing.

Yep.

She'll probably lie for him, op.

No matter what happens to you.

I bet he could do something that ended your life, and she'd still lie for him.

You need to get away from that family immediately.

If you don't have family or friends you can stay with, you can try to get into a shelter.

Get your injuries logged. You probably need to get checked out in case you've been injured internally.

Oh sweetheart lease please leave him before he kills you!

To answer your question, violence is NEVER justified.

You don't seem concerned that he tried to strangle you which is worrying as it indicates that you are so used to his physical abuse that you have normalised it. Strangling shows that he is capable of killing you and may well do so as physical abuse escalates.

You should call the Police and report him. They will be able to remove him and ensure your immediate safety. Then you should contact Women's Aid / Refuge and get real life support.

You cannot help him. They do not want to be helped. He will be getting off on the power trip of having control over you. You can help yourself by calling the Police.

but at what expense?? x

The expense will be your life. Because he strangled you this time and he’ll eventually do it properly.

He has history of snatching and hiding my phone when I'm on it to deny me access to emergency services

Back to my point about men dying from punctured lungs & vital organs (punctured by their own ribs) because - even with no-one obstructing a call to the emergency services - they died too fast.

In your case, you have actually someone obstructing a call to the emergence services and authorities.

It is Russian Roulette to stay with him.

And you know why he's doing it, don't you?
He has a long rap sheet from his previous girlfriends ....only the ones who reported (I bet there were ones who didn't) and he doesn't want more assaults on his record.

He's willing to leave you untreated for injuries, potentially serious injuries, to make sure he doesn't get another charge/record on his rap sheet.

This is the sort of person who could kill you directly, or kill you by negligence/obstruction.

There was a case in the US, an unusual case because it was a young woman perpetrator. She is a YouTuber etc. She had a history of verbally abusing her boyfriend, being controlling, there was a previous incident of her stabbing him with a small knife in the thigh or somewhere. I don't think he reported her for it.

She then stabbed him again, somewhere vital. She obstructed and delayed phoning emergency services for him. She initially didn't want to be reported/charged for it. She rang her mother before ringing emergency services. She probably only rang emergency services because her mother insisted she did. She wasted time. He was - eventually - taken to hospital.

He's dead
He didn't survive.
A young man in his 20s.

Of course she accused him of abuse too, though there wasn't really evidence of it.

His family still don't have any justice for him.

She had a history of stabbing. This man has a history of punching, kicking, stamping, strangling etc. And not just with you; you know that courtesy of the police.

As I said, it's Russian Roulette with people like this.

Is it my fault?

Was it the fault of his previous partner/s - the one/s who reported him?

Do you blame them? Do you think it was their fault?

You know he's obviously lying about them being the violent ones, don't you.
He's the one who's being violent to you.
He's the one making false accusations of violence against you.
Why would he have been any different with them.

He's reversing victim and offender.

I went on partners phone (wrong I very much know and admit) but I suspected something and needed proof but he found out and I admitted straight away

What did you suspect and need proof of?

What else has he been doing?

Sounds like he's financially abusing you too.

Is he controlling your access to money to stop you from leaving?

You don't need it to go into a shelter. You can go in with the clothes on your back.

They'll help you sort out benefits etc. if they're not already sorted. With your illness, you must presumably be entitled to pip/DLA/whatever the right word is now.

You know he's obviously lying about them being the violent ones, don't you.

Oh correction, he claimed they were the ones who were violent first.

Unlikely, given he's the one who ended up with the record, he's the one who has been violent first to you (repeatedly), and ateotd - a man can usually deflect and escape violence from a female more easily than vice versa. He had the advantage of size, strength etc.
But I don't believe they were violent first anyway.

He's been severely violent to you, repeatedly, without you being violent first.

I notice he's a partner not husband, hoping you don't have DC together. How long were you together when he moved in. Definitely call the police. Ignore him if he threatens suicide.

This has made me cry. Why can any of it be justified.

Please, please, please get out of there. Please do it.

Yeah, it is really upsetting to hear someone say that they're there with potentially serious, painful injuries from being battered, untreated.

It's really upsetting to hear someone say that due to their health condition they can't recover from the assaults on them as easily/quickly.

Police. Tell them what you've told us and show them the photos.

What's your living situation, in your name/his/joint?

It's criminal
Hes a criminal no it's never justified
Hes choosing to use those behaviours
Please leave before he kills you it's absolutely possible that could happen.
His family have shown you who they are excusing this they won't help you so you need to help yourself.

Xmas is a heightened time of risk services are there to help though or call the police if you're ready to reach out. Look for local services as well as the national ones - womens aid, refuge or here https://www.ncdv.org.uk/domestic-abuse-help/

Stay safe op reach out to friends, family or even work for support - find those safe spaces

Also op, you wrote "the violence escalated" a couple of times

The violence didn't escalate, somebody escalated to violence, somebody became violent. Him.

Even if you were violent in response - that would be understandable. But it doesn't even sound like it.

Even if you were violent first (which it doesn't remotely sound like) - I'd be telling you to get out of the relationship... No different from what we're telling you.

Why do you want to help him when he beats the crap out of you?

Nothing to do with ADHD. I know a few people who have and they are nothing like him.

You didn’t provoke him. Bear in mind his mum probably endured domestic abuse and thinks women who “ provoke” can expect the consequences.
There is never an excuse for violence.It is never ok, under any circumstances.

Go to the police and have him removed. He’s already known to them. He needs to be in jail for the safety of all women and girls ( and children).

He will kill you.
Please do not go back
Police have told you who he is.
Please reach out to a refuge or other
His parents will not support you unless they recognise his violence

He has conditioned you to think it's your fault he's violent. That's why you are confused, wondering whether you've caused him him to do this to you.

You haven't. This is who HE is - a violent abuser. You have done nothing wrong. Male domestic violence only ever escalates, abusers are at their most dangerous when they realise their control over their victim is slipping.

You are not safe at his family's house. Do you have friends or family of your own to can go to? If so, do that today. Then speak to Women's Aid online: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Or call Refuge:
08082000247

If you've nowhere to go, speak to one of the organisations above. They will help you.

Call the police too. You need protecting from this man, make this the time it all stops. We're here to support you, and many if us have been through this.

Honestly it doesn't even matter what he's done to anyone else because look what he's doing to you.
Of course it's not justified, there's nothing in the world that would justify someone assaulting you

Because she thinks it's why he beats her.

He's convinced her (well, part of her) that it's why he beats her.

The other part of her knows it's not though.
Listen to that voice op, its the truth.

and want to help him with his anger issues and managing ADHD

Let's say for a moment that the DV assaults on his record were perhaps not started by/done equally by his exes.

Which is likely the case.

What makes you think you could help him overcome the issues with ADHD and "anger" issues that he claims are causing him to be violent; when his previous partners could not??

Bear in mind his mum probably endured domestic abuse and thinks women who “ provoke” can expect the consequences.

She also won't want him reported for (yet) another assault.