Christmas dinner with an Alcoholic

[Dmsatdawn]

My husband is an alcoholic and is 60+ days sober. We are hosting a family Christmas dinner party of 5 adults, including my 94 yr old father. I’m posting for advice from anyone with experience - do I deny my guests of alcohol - specially my dad who loves a glass of red (and may not spend many more christmases with us)?

can you ask your dh what he would like
i imagine the 94 year old would say he should have a glass of red whatever!

what normally happens?

Personally I'd have zero alchohol at the dinner. Your Dad may be 94 and may enjoy red wine but it's not that important that he needs to bring risk to your life just to get to drink a glass of it at that exact moment.

If this isn't going to work for you, could you have a single bottle in and offer everyone but your DH a glass so it is all used up in one go?

I think it needs to alcohol free. Obviously don’t supply any. If anyone brings any with them just leave it in another room and give it back to them when they leave. If anyone has an issue they don’t have to stay. I would assume if they know what is going on they will assume there won’t be any alcohol.

i am not sure no alcohol is the right thing personally

Don't buy any alcohol.

It's only essential to alcoholics; everybody else will be absolutely fine without it for a meal.

tbh if he wants to drink, he will, whatever anyone else does imo

No alcohol. It’s just not worth it and far too important to your DH. Alcohol doesn’t matter imv

At this early stage I would say alcohol free is the way to go. Surely your elderly father would understand the small sacrifice Vs potential cost of DH losing sobriety?

I love a drink. But would absolutely follow the hosts choice. If there is no alcohol in the house I wouldn't dream of bringing any. Just make it clear to guests. Even a 94 year old can get on board for 1 meal.

How about supplying an individual small bottle of red for your father. I was married to an alcoholic. Tell your family and explain that any more than the allocated amounts for individuals won’t be available.

How does your husband feel? I think this needs to be a discussion. Does he have support/a sponsor? What do they think?

I imagine no alcohol would be easier and cause less anxiety all round. Could you / whoever is dropping off your dad home if he's not staying have a festive drink with him at his house?

How does your husband feel about it?

Don't forget to consider things like alcohol in desserts etc. if problematic

I’d go alcohol free.

There are 364 other days in the year where your father/other guests can have wine.

What is the expression about "Don't put a stumbling block in front of the blind"? The smell will be difficult for your DP. 4 adults can surely go one meal without alcohol to support your husband's health.

They can always sit in another room and have a glass of port afterwards.

Just quietly explain beforehand

Zero alcohol.
Dad can drink at home.

I'd say keep it booze free because it's only been 60 days.

You might be able to give your grandpa a glass of wine discreetly without drawing any attention.

Yes your dad can have a drink when he gets home. It’s too early in his recovery to put wine on the table.

I would go alcohol free as well my son is an alcoholic and we don’t ever drink when he is around

Alcohol free for sure. I assume family are aware of his addiction and supportive of his recovery. I doubt that when you look back after your dad has died you are going to think 'oh if only I hadn't denied him that one glass of wine'. It's absolutely trivial in the grand scheme of things - to everyone except the addict.

Honestly I don't think you should be hosting, that feels like it has way too many triggers in it already. But since you are, the house should be alcohol-free. What does your DH think? What strategies does he have in place to deal with triggers and cravings? Have you talked about what you're going to do if he announces he does want a drink?

Thanks @WillowTit It would be best to ask DH directly but I bought a bottle of Prosecco for guests and he kicked off when I put it in the fridge (he’d never touch that when he was drinking so I thought it would be ok). Dad would be mightily disappointed without a drink. DH’s sobriety is very new, having drank heavily for many years. Maybe I thought he could manage others having a drink for this one day.

I am married to a recovering alcoholic. Over 3 yrs now. I would ask your DH. Mine doesn't mind it being in the house but will not socialise in a pub for instance so it affects our social activities but he is happy if friends and family have the occasional drink here.
In the early days I did not keep any in the house and we told people why, but now he has no desire for it. Be careful of sauces and deserts though as they will taste of it even if alcohol is burnt off.

You’re dads desire to have a drink doesn’t trump risking your husbands sobriety. Would you put a bag of smack in front of a heroin addict? Of course you wouldn’t. So why would you do the same thing to your husband? His sobriety is so new that it would be very easy for him for lift a drink if he’s around it. The fact that he, “kicked off” when he saw the Prosecco in the fridge tells you everything you need to know. The reason he did this is because he knows himself that he’s not strong enough or disciplined enough yet to be around it. He may never be. What’s more important, your husbands health and your future together or your Dad having a glass of wine? I can’t really believe you’re even considering it. If your Dad doesn’t like it, that’s a him problem and he can either respect the wishes of his hosts or not come. He can have a glass of wine another time.

Are your family aware of your husband drink issues ?

No alcohol in the house at all - it’s the only way!