Christmas dinner with an Alcoholic

[Dmsatdawn]

My husband is an alcoholic and is 60+ days sober. We are hosting a family Christmas dinner party of 5 adults, including my 94 yr old father. I’m posting for advice from anyone with experience - do I deny my guests of alcohol - specially my dad who loves a glass of red (and may not spend many more christmases with us)?

@WillowTit why is it shocking that someone who hasn't touched alcohol for 25 years still can't have alcohol in the house?

My lovely dh is an alcoholic. 2 years sober.
i don’t drink alcohol ever in front of him, and I don’t miss it now either.
you need to support your dh, hope it goes well.

My husband's best friend is an alcoholic - been sober for 16 years now but took a long time for him to be okay being around social drinking. It is really triggering for some people. My sister in law is also an alcoholic who still drinks and I'd never drink around her.

I'd ask your husband what he wants though as he does get a vote but my choice would be fun mocktails. It's been such a short amount of time.

Nothing wrong with modelling a happy sober life when you can as well.

I wouldn’t have alcohol in the house and I’d expect any visiting family to support my husband too.

Christmas is not worth risking his sobriety. It’s still very early days for him.

Don't have a drop of booze in the house.

He's not been clean for long. It's very raw.

The sight and scent and sound of a drink being poured could trigger a craving, and make things very difficult for him in front of your family.

If anyone brings a bottle, ask them to take it away.

Don't jeopardise his health and your family's wellbeing because a relative might want a tipple.

Make sure you have plenty of alcohol free drinks.

Try the assertiveness three part sentence:

I understand that you would like a drink today.

However, DH is working incredibly hard to manage his situation and the sight and smell of alcohol will probably cause a set back which will be dangerous for his health and our relationship.

Therefore the answer's no.

Now, which of these would you like?

Speaking as someone who has an alcoholic husband who has been sober for 5-years, with the exception of a few weeks relapse this past Spring, 60-years is a very short time. Don’t have any alcohol around him. Even if he thinks he is strong enough for it not to bother him, it’s a hell of a trigger.

60 odd days isn’t long. Something like Christmas will already be testing without alcohol being there. I really wouldn’t include alcohol. If your dad has to have a glass of red can you put him in another room later to have it? He should be able to understand. Isn't just sheer temptation of alcohol being around one of the biggest risk factors in people relapsing?

You’re being naive. Alcohol addiction is horrendous and even if he thinks it will be okay, it might not be.

WebMD has some wise advice:

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/alcohol-use-disorder-relapse

Don't have it in the house.

• mince pies

Firstly, congratulations to your husband. It's not easy and he is smashing it!

My mother was an alcoholic, it killed her in 2018 sadly. She could not have any alcohol in the house when she was in recovery; the temptation was just too much.

I would have it be an alcohol free dinner. I am assuming your dad knows about your husband's addiction? If so, he shouldn't mind missing his red wine knowing what's at stake.

It's just not worth the risk, especially so early on in recovery.

Have a lovely Christmas

I've seen an American woman on Insta tasting British food and trying mince pies - then spitting it out into a handkerchief because she realised as soon as she tasted it contained brandy and she's an alcoholic. Never having heard of them before, she didn't know.

Just read your update. I’m so glad you made that decision. Wishing you all a lovely Christmas 🎄

My first Christmas sober, and it was a lot less then 60 days, id have ripped an arm off for a drink so any drink in the house was a no

4 or 5 years on, when I was more confident, not a problem

I remember that first year, DH didnt really grasp what I was attempting and he still wanted to go to the pub, meet with friends etc, with me at his side. And whilst I stuck a smile on my face and went along, it was hell on earth for me and the only thing that stopped me cracking was knowing if I got 30 days under my belt, I got a funded place in rehab

One of the hardest things to get my head around was learning to say that I did not want drink in my house. I mean we can all tell smokers to go outside, but for me to tell friends and family there was to be no drink bought in was so hard.

Even my wedding day, where most guests were drink free, I struggled with inviting those who would expect a drink

If your guests can not go one meal, one day, without a drink out of respect and support of DH, you may need to rethink where your loyalties are

This is his first sober Christmas, Its fecking hard, I mean nail chewing hard, support him

He’s only been sober for 60 days (since October?). You need to have absolutely no alcohol in the house for a long time yet and possibly forever. It will be worth it to have a healthy husband.

We're an alcohol free house (both DH and myself in recovery). I find just be open and upfront the best way. Don't try and ignore the fact that for many xmas = drinking. Your DH already knows this. Addiction grows in secrecy so address head on. Have the conversation with DH about he feels he will manage his recovery over this time and what will help. Let him know you wish to support him but ultimately his recovery is his responsibility and he needs to put measures in place for himself.

I wouldn't serve alcohol. Assuming your family are aware your DH is in recovery and therefore wouldn't expect to drink? It only needs to be as big of an issue as you make it. If you have friends who don't drink for religious reasons you wouldn't expect to be served alcohol in their home, or expect a vegan household to cook meat.

I think hosting is a good move to be fair as you can be upfront with no alcohol and give people the choice to not come if they prefer to drink. My BIL likes to drink and doesn't visit because for him socialising should include alcohol.

I wouldn't go down the non alcohol substitutes but that's just my stance. There's so much more to abstinence/addiction than not picking up a drink. It's the mental load and I found early on substitutes could trigger the thought.

60 days is amazing. Wishing your DH all the best!

My DP has 5 years under his belt so he’s ok with people drinking around him.

He drinks alcohol free versions, which some people might find ‘triggering’ but he seems to enjoy as a non-problematic alternative.

But it’s taken him years to get to this point, having managed one or two years sober at a time previously.

I wouldn’t want to do anything to jeopardise his progress so at just 60 days I’d be doing everything to support him. Including removing the Prosecco from the fridge and giving it someone else.

Alcohol isn’t essential for a nice family day. Your H’s sobriety is.

Gift the prosecco to a friend or neighbour. Have absolutely no alcohol in the house, and also beware of some of the food you may be offering. Christmas pudding and mince pies can certainly contain alcohol.

Message guests beforehand to make clear that it will be an alcohol free gathering and why. Tell them not to bring any at all, not even as a gift. If any do then have a quiet word thanking them for their intended kindness but explaining the seriousness of the situation. Tell them of your misstep with the prosecco and ask them to take a back home to enjoy for themselves later.

My sister hosted an alcohol free Christmas last year due to the same problem. We were all pretty disappointed at first as everyone loves a prosecco or 2 on Christmas day along with an advocaat, baileys, etc. However, we ended up still having a really fun Christmas. Everyone could drive too, so there was no fuss with taxis, and we all woke up with no hangover boxing day and were fresh as daisies. We are actually choosing to go alcohol free again whilst at my mother in laws this year. Don't worry about what others think. It's your house, your rules.

From personal experience, this early needs to be completely alcohol free it's too early otherwise

I don't think its a good idea to host Christmas at all with your husband only 60 days sober. That's just asking for trouble. Having Christmas on your own together as a couple would be wiser. Leave hosting Christmas til next year. Its far far too soon to do something of this magnitude and is very unwise. I'd cancel, I really would. Its just asking for trouble and is not in your husband's best interests.

Backing alcohol free here. If it’s not there then there will be no temptation and it’ll help take his mind off it to enjoy his day more. I believe over time a lot of alcoholics find it easier to be around the longer they’ve been sober but he’s still so early with his sobriety I’d eliminate the risk for him this year to show support. Well done on your DH for 60+ days sober, and all the best of luck to his journey x

Also do you family / dad know? As if they did they might want to support him by going alcohol free?

OP if your DH was upset by having alcohol in the house - that is your answer! Early recovery is very very difficult. Huge congratulations to your husband.

His reaction to seeing the prosecco may have upset you - but it was a very positive reaction to a mistake. Being angry and upset to see it was far better than being pleased and interested. 60 days is brilliant - and nothing. It's raw early days. Support him all the way.