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Original poster

Christmas dinner with an Alcoholic

106 replies

Dmsatdawn · 23/12/2024 20:50

My husband is an alcoholic and is 60+ days sober. We are hosting a family Christmas dinner party of 5 adults, including my 94 yr old father. I’m posting for advice from anyone with experience - do I deny my guests of alcohol - specially my dad who loves a glass of red (and may not spend many more christmases with us)?

OP posts:

MisterPNumber23 · 23/12/2024 21:41

Surely your family can manage without booze for one meal????

tribpot · 23/12/2024 21:41

Maybe I thought he could manage others having a drink for this one day.

I can understand that, after years of putting up with his heavy drinking, you're not really in the mood to put yourself out but either you're supporting his recovery or you aren't. This needs to be discussed properly and openly. And no, 60 days into sobriety he can't manage others having a drink. I've been sober for nearly 14 years and I don't have alcohol in the house .

dylexicdementor11 · 23/12/2024 21:41

Dmsatdawn · 23/12/2024 21:11

Thanks @WillowTit It would be best to ask DH directly but I bought a bottle of Prosecco for guests and he kicked off when I put it in the fridge (he’d never touch that when he was drinking so I thought it would be ok). Dad would be mightily disappointed without a drink. DH’s sobriety is very new, having drank heavily for many years. Maybe I thought he could manage others having a drink for this one day.

Well done to your DH for being sober for 60 days. Staying sober will take work and not serving alcohol around him or having it in your house seems like the most kind thing you could do. I’m sure all the drinkers will understand and happily support your DH.

Pinksmyfavoritecolour · 23/12/2024 21:46

Alcohol free, it's too early days.
And plenty of sugary drinks in for your husband, they crave sugar, as they are loosing if from the alcohol withdrawal, Coca Cola, energy drinks, chocolate.
Yes it's not ideal or healthy, but they crave it. Good luck getting through it. I've been there with my husband, it's a long road for both of you. I hope you have found support for yourself from alanon xxx

PlutarchHeavensbee · 23/12/2024 21:48

I’m a recovering alcoholic who’s now 8 years sober and I can handle situations where others are drinking around me. Could I have done that after 60 days?

Absolutely no way.

Support your husband. 60 days is nowhere near enough for him to be able to cope with being around others drinking alcohol. If your dad doesn’t like it - tough. He either stays at home and drinks or comes to you and doesn’t. It really should be that simple.

FiatMultiplaWhopper · 23/12/2024 21:48

Absolutely needs to be an alcohol free house and your family should understand that.

Christmas can be a really triggering time for those who struggle with alcohol. Even if your DH says it would be ok, don’t risk it.

Original poster

Dmsatdawn · 23/12/2024 21:48

@QuarterHorse I hear you. I don’t keep alcohol in the house now, but this Christmas has been the first stumbling block. Thank you for your advice and positivity.

OP posts:

AllTangledUpInTinselAndTiaras · 23/12/2024 21:53

If he kicked off about it, as you say, then he's not ready to have it in the house. Are you agreed with him that he's an alcoholic and better off not drinking? Are you happy that he's decided to be sober? If so I do think it's a bit odd that you seem quite cavalier about introducing it back into the home.

Okaygoahead · 23/12/2024 21:53

It's probably best not to have it at this meal as it's still early days, but the ideal over the long run would be for your husband to learn how to manage being around it, as it is so prevalent. Treating it as though it will always be a trigger and that someone who has had alcohol abuse problems in the past will always, always be susceptible and always on the verge of falling off the wagon is the AA approach, but not the only approach. Look into Annie Grace/This Naked Mind for ways to reshape the relationship to alcohol - it's possible stop drinking and to decide it's just not desirable under any circumstances, no matter how close or far away it is, without having to treat it like a bomb that's about to go off without warning.

But your husband should be the one to decide how to handle the situation for the time being, as he's the one most attuned to his own triggers.

FavouriteTshirt · 23/12/2024 21:55

I have alcoholics in the family and I'd happily give up alcohol forever if I thought it would cure them.

Honestly if having my family happy and heathy on Christmas Day meant I had to have beans on toast and a glass of water, I would.

I don't know about sobriety but could you have some fancy soft drink like fentimams in wine glasses?

Take ownership of it own house 'dad, as you know, Dave's been sober for 60 days now, so we're not having any alcohol in the house this year. We'll still have a lovely Christmas dinner though!!'

fghbvh · 23/12/2024 21:55

We were in a similar situation a few years ago with a recovering relative. We all abstained for his sake and he snuck off and secretly drank in the bathroom.

therewasafishinthepercolator · 23/12/2024 21:55

Another repeating what everyone else is saying. Your house needs to be alcohol free. Don't underestimate his addiction. It doesn't matter if its not his drink of choice - he has an alcohol problem so any alcohol will make his recovery much harder.

Agree with another poster that in hindsight you hosting at your house this early in his recovery isn't ideal but it's arranged now so I'd try to keep the day calm and low key, paying close attention to your DHs needs. Every day is difficult for him, Christmas day may be even more so.

It will be hard on you too so reach out to support groups if you can. I wish you both the best.

AllTangledUpInTinselAndTiaras · 23/12/2024 21:56

(don't mean that to sound nasty...I'm just surprised, to be honest, that you're worrying about your dad being disappointed that there's no alcohol for a few hours. Doesn't seem to be where your priorities should lie. As pp said, many alcoholics do learn to be okay with being in the vicinity of it, but this early on it's a serious temptation and probably best avoided, that's all)

Original poster

Dmsatdawn · 23/12/2024 22:01

Thank you for your replies and advice. We will have a very sober (and fun) Christmas x Good wishes to all who replied.

OP posts:

WillowTit · 23/12/2024 22:03

at least you have the choice, in your own home, rather than going to someone else's home where they will be drinking

AllTangledUpInTinselAndTiaras · 23/12/2024 22:05

Wishing you a very happy Christmas @Dmsatdawn! 🎄🎄🎄

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 23/12/2024 22:07

I'm a very long term sober alcoholic. I had no alcohol in my house for at least the first full year of my sobriety. 60 days is very new. I wish your DH all the very best. Going to AA is the best thing I ever did. All my happiness stems from that.

Littletinytarzanswingingfromanosehair · 23/12/2024 22:09

Amazing he has got past the 60+mark!
Well done to him!

As some PP's have said, it's not worth the risk in his recovery. I'm guessing this is his first sober Xmas in a long time?

Learning to do things soberly that you would normally do with alcohol can be a huge challenge. Even going out in the evening in a restaurant for dinner sober can feel like a milestone for an alcoholic. He has another chance at life, your family will 100% understand I'm sure xx

ZekeZeke · 23/12/2024 22:13

While 60 days is great and well done to him, it's really no time at all.
Alcohol free 💯, it's one day for the rest of the group.

DetoxedAlcoholic · 23/12/2024 22:13

Thank you for having an entirely alcohol free Christmas. 60 days is a baby. I had a huge relapse over Christmas and ended up in hospital for over a week. You are doing the best thing for him and please tell him that letting you know the prosecco was a problem was a really good thing. I hope the recovery goes well.

Interlaken · 23/12/2024 22:24

People are being so awful about your Dad who hasn’t been asked or spoken to yet.

He might be 94, but he isn’t presumably thick as shit. If he has known his daughter has been living with an alcoholic for years or decades he isn’t going to ruin it for her. He probably doesn’t give much of a toss about your husband, but he will happily not drink for you, his daughter.
Why not just tell him the truth and appeal to his best side.

In the autobiography of one of the fat ladies she talked about how the pity of those who could drink, really stretched her around Christmas. So presumably have an A.A. meeting or two lined up for him.

stichguru · 23/12/2024 22:25

You're doing the right thing OP. Anyone who isn't an alcoholic will "miss their drink" but be 100% fine, even if they grump about it. Your DH might re-become alcoholic which is anything but fine. Best wishes to you and DH. I think your guests need to understand your DH is recovering from ILLNESS, like if he had flu or sickness they would expect him to stay out or you not to host, if he had cancer they would know he needed to rest when he did, or not eat much or whatever. Even if you argue that a drink problem is a choice, he is now putting work to help himself get better, so he needs to be supported in that.

Pieandchips999 · 23/12/2024 22:27

Definitely no alcohol in the house this early on. I have come across so many people who think they can try a bit of alcohol as it's Christmas then it's relapse city. Well done to your husband

WonderingWanda · 23/12/2024 22:30

I'm sure your Dad can survive without a drink for the day. He surely wants your dh to succeed for your benefit.

Frith2013 · 23/12/2024 22:31

Absolutely it needs to be alcohol free.

People will be fine without alcohol for the day.

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