My ex wants to take our children 50% of the time

[Shakespeareandi]

Can my ex just decide to have children 50% of the time? He moved out following an affair with a mutual friend whose children would often play with ours. He has recently moved into a new place and is now claiming he can have the children 50% of the time.

I feel the children should have one stable home, and I never wanted to have a broken family. His name only on the deeds and mortgage for the house that the children and I still live in. He has kept paying the mortgage since he moved out. I cover all other expenses. My wages would not cover the mortgage. My name is not on the deeds or mortgage because he said we got a better mortgage deal that way. I have paid for bills and he has paid the mortgage. Yes, I know what an idiot I have been, so please be gentle. I am in so much pain as it is.
Currently, I have about £3,000 in savings, so I have to be very cautious about how I spend it. I've been in touch with a solicitor to see if it's worth spending £350 an hour (for context, I earn £15 an hour), but they haven't been back in contact yet. Our children are 6, 10, and 14 years old.

My family all live abroad and while I have supportive friends, there's only so much they can do.
Rents are very high. There's no chance I could privately rent. Maybe a 1 bedroom place but letting agency's have said singles or couples only. Council houses are pretty much non-existent and with long waiting lists. If he makes me homeless (he has threatened), he says he could have the children 100% of the time as he can provide safe housing with him.
To make matters worse, he was an alcoholic for years and has started drinking again but seems to be managing things at the mo. I feel so alone and sick with nerves. I am trying to keep things amicable and scared what he can do.

I know how stupid I have been. I feel rubbish and sleeping very badly but keeping it together for the children. If I could turn back time I would. I also still love him and want our family back. He doesn't.

@Imbusytodaysorry is right,,get the CB switched over to you and talk to someone at the Citizens Advice Bureau about your benefits entitlement.

It’s good that you’re planning to work full-time, try to get that arranged ASAP.

Yes, 2025 is going to be rough, but you’ll get through it, OP. Your ex sounds as if he’s determined to be a bastard, but as others have said, in reality he may start back-tracking when the full weight of being responsible for the children 50% of the time hits him.

Plus the fact that he’s drinking again- I thought that it was very unwise for former alcoholic to do this, as they tend to lose control of their drinking again? I’d be sceptical that he’ll be considered a fit parent if he’s drinking (just my personal opinion). Good luck. 💐

These parents need to listen to the DC. 50/50 might suit the dad but often does not suit dc who want one home more than two homes to suit adults. They want to see both parents but also like stability of one primary home. Many parents cannot manage 50/50 effectively and women have dc more. He wants this to avoid child maintenance. The dc are older and their views matter more than the parents. They are not belongings to be shared out. They certainly might not like the idea of coexisting with the DC of the other woman. Who could blame them? Op needs to see a solicitor.

OP, it is worth registering your interest in the property. This is a simple process. Again, legal advice may tell you this. Have a Google. I know somebody in a similar situation to you who has done this to stay there until her children reach adulthood.

A lot of parents love 50/50, but it's not them having to do the swapping. I'm sure there are some kids that don't mind it, but sadly I know many who felt like they never really had a home, never mind two. It was always "mum's house" and "dad's house", never "my house". Their parents would swear those kids were happy too.

Who is paying the mortgage? I don’t think any court would expect the ex to stay out of his house for years but force him to pay the mortgage alongside his own housing costs.

@FlatWhiteExtraHot

A functioning alcoholic is NEVER a good parent although they might think they are...!

From a child of an alcoholic parent who had a well paid job but was still a shit parent. ☹️

Ex do and I have 60/40 split, but help each other out, the kids love seeing their dad so much and their relationship has really blossomed with time alone with him.

It's good for me as I get to work- I missed them greatly when it first happened but now 10 years later it's great and they're teenagers, get the bus home to mine each day and then he pick them up on his nights.

They love having 2 homes, 2 christmases and we get on (exdp and I) better than ever.

I think this is key. OP isn't married and isn't on the deeds or mortgage - and has been open about the fact that she can't afford to pay it anyway.

I very, very much doubt a court would let her stay while her ex covers the housing costs for the next 12+ years.

50/50 is not a foregone conclusion. I gave in too easily and bitterly regret it. It can work well in many ways but children do suffer not having one stable home in my experience. Shared care to a point makes sense but i would argue you keep the majority of the days, even 4 and 3 would be better so there is a clear home.

My DC has 3 "homes" due to being carted off to GP so often by their dad, so it's a lot for them to adjust to everything and routines have become so delicate. I really wish it was different.

Echoing another poster, i think 50/50 is popular to avoid the payment of CMS

I agree. It seems often for one of the parents and not best for the children.

I thought that if someone - anyone - financially contributed to a house for (I think) 2 years then they have a claim to some of it. So even if OP isn't on the mortgage, or ever paid a mortgage payment, the fact that she's contributed to other bills and upkeep means she has an avenue.

Obviously I'm not a lawyer but I'm sure I heard that, as I was advised to keep ALL bills in my name should this happen to me when I owned a property. Maybe worth looking into OP?

No that’s a total myth. If she financially contributed to mortgage or purchase price she is likely to have an interest. The OP contributed to bills - thats insufficient unless there was a clear agreement between her and her ex that she’d have a share. The two years is plucked out of thin air - no such thing.

How are you free to get married if your partner doesn’t want to? What if they propose to you and then change their mind? By which time you might already be pregnant or have a child. The law suits men, not women.

Well that's a fucking shame

Fuck.

You're acting as though women have to just go along with what the man says all the time - and I just find it incredibly depressing. Women are free to leave relationships that aren't working. They don't have to give up their independence, or their jobs, or their homes, just because a man won't marry them.

Similarly, becoming pregnant outside of marriage is a choice. Severe abuse aside and rare medical cases aside, nobody is forced into it. We're incredibly lucky to live in a country with free healthcare, access to abortions and access to birth control - no woman has to become pregnant if they don't want to.

I've been there. I know it's not easy to end a relationship where you love the other person, but ultimately it's okay to be selfish and protect yourself, especially when it comes to maintaining your financial independence and, in many cases, your home.

I personally just think too many people, both male and female, get into relationships and have babies without really thinking about the consequences. It's really scary.

How are you free to get married if your partner doesn’t want to?

Well, then you don’t get married. But, you also don’t have to have a baby with them.

Women have a choice to procreate without marriage or not. Why so many women fail to see the importance of having a legal contract in place before taking on the risks of pregnancy and parenting completely baffles me. We don’t need to change the laws, we need to educate our daughters to make better choices.

Except because they aren’t married, she legally doesn’t have ‘an interest in the property’. Her ex can go through the courts to get the notice removed and she will be left with the costs to pay.

Exactly - I find it so depressing. So many of these responses are acting as though women have to just do whatever the man decides

This is exactly the sort of myth (along with ‘common law marriage’) that previous posters mean when they say there should be education about the (total lack of) legal rights that accrue with cohabitation.

It’s terrifying that with all the resources available to people (women), these false beliefs are still so pervasive.

Well, I'm sorry, I don't mean to be nasty but the OP has by her own naivety put herself in a position where she has screwed up her future career and pension without the security of marriage, so she can't afford a lawyer, and that is going to affect how well she can fight him. This is the real world.

Not as simple as that. Even if people know they don’t think it will happen to them. By leaving the law as it is you allow men to exploit women - simple as. Scotland and R of I have cohabitation rights. We are an outlier and it fucks women over big time. And their children. 😞