I want men to approach me, what do I need to do?

[Thehighcostofloving]

I feel like men are a bit scared to approach women, because of how this can be problematic and women say they don’t like it. BUT I am a newly single woman who has not had a lot of attention recently and I really want to be approached by men who have an interest in having either sex or a relationship. I’m working on making myself more attractive with exercise, clothes and haircuts, but what other signals can I send out to get approached by men? I don’t like high heels, so that’s not going to happen (I also think if I wore heels I might tip
over into the “is she an escort?”
category). I’d like to be approached in person, not online. I’m trying to get out there, but obviously people are rightly paranoid about being inappropriate, as am I, hence why I want to be approached myself rather than the other way around.

I think the big problem with this is that if you are over a certain age, the old days of just going out and being approached by men are probably over, or at least, you might go out clubbing and be approached by men but mostly that's not going to lead to a long-term relationship.

Second, over a certain age, men tend not to approach women as often as they are either in partnerships or married themselves, or the women are; I meet lots and lots of clever, attractive, funny men of my own age at work and out and about, but I hardly know any single ones, all my colleagues are, almost without exception, married or in a settled partnership.

When you are younger, going out and being approached worked as far more of the people were single; once you go over about 30 this is not likely to be the case.

OLD isn't perfect, but at least there's some semblance of pretending you are all single, and some of the people will want to date, even if sifting out the time-wasters, married ones and losers is a pain. Try the Burned Haystack method as it's very logical and may appeal to you, especially if you are not good at sifting out the bad ones yourself.

I also think if you are under 50 but over 30, if you live in a city, there's a lot of singles clubs, meets, supper, dinner, walking groups for single or unattached people, probably fewer over 50 but still some. I know people who met others at a walking group, running group and a choir.

It is hard OP, but it is also possible, so don't give up. Also, it's great that you feel more confident in your appearance now and that will give you a boost when you do go out and meet people in real life. You have to go to places where there are likely other single people looking for a relationship, or date online though, I think, just hoping someone is single at work or in book clubs full of women isn't enough exposure to men, you need quantity and then work your way towards quality.

I'm sorry I gave you all that advice if you are of the hairy handed variety, but it might help either you or someone else I guess! Should have read the whole thread.

@MounjaroOnMyMind
WTH?
Of course I like to be approached - when I'm single - the alternatives are not be approached, or do the approaching.

Why would you think that's rare?
Most people want to be wanted, and that would be a way to feel that.

Men pester women all the time as in public pestering and staring and shouting things out of vans, but few are doing nice sensible approaching like coming up in a respectful way and asking someone out. More likely they are lurching at them whilst drunk. It's a very odd dating culture in the UK, and mixed in with the horrible public abuse and 'appreciation' which turns to rudeness if you ignore them, it's not the same as being asked out nicely at all.

I’m a woman, and I did find it helpful, if a little bit dispiriting that the world is now so reliant on tech for relationships.

Big learning curve for me. No wonder people stay in unhappy relationships, being single in your 30s and trying to date is difficult.

At least I still have the appearance of looking younger than my age, that’s something! I’m finding it hard to find reasons to be cheerful, it’s so easy to become down about what happened.

I remember this from 10 years ago but I guess I have aged out of it if this is still happening? Although my work colleague told me I looked 25…

Just a normal town.

I don't go to nightclubs anymore because you literally cannot enjoy a quiet night out without some entitled man inserting himself into your social group to be "friendly" and they get all pissy when you don't appreciate their company.

It doesn't happen often outside of bars and clubs but it has happened. I've been hit on walking the dog a few times. Most recently I had a man be "friendly" while I was sat in a Chinese takeaway, in my scruffy joggers and giant fuzzy hoodie, no make-up, greasy hair, and dripping with snot from the flu I'm fighting off. He got quite aggressive when I didn't want to go back to his to watch Netflix and share his food

I'm not super attractive, I'm just a normal-looking, slightly overweight, forty-something-year-old woman. Maybe it is an attitude thing? I have zero interest in being "friendly" with any man. Ever.

"Where do you all live that you get hit on all the time? It's not something any of my mates have ever complained about, so doesn't seem to be that big a thing here."

I agree. I think it's mainly for very attractive women. Not all women, as you'd get in some countries.
I also think that people don't ask each other out as much in real life now it's mainly online.

Thanks! This is something I have been trying to do already. Hadn’t realised there was a word for it, I’m so out of touch!

So.. one strategy is to notice when a man is peacocking and approach him, he probably wants to be approached.

Hi.
Background to answer: I am an ND man who long lived with physical, visible differences that would put potential partners off; today (at 50+) there's residual anxiety, which is not exactly easy, but much of the basic reasons that made me appear completely unsuitable as a partner are gone. If I could do it, you can do it.

You need to persuade yourself that the desire for intimacy is instinctive in humans. You do not need to be a special woman; only a healthy (enough) woman. Then:

• Develop physically. Bring movement in your life, in whatever form (for me it was yoga); if being ND, you have limits, identify them, but find joy in your existence in the flesh anyway. You will not be a sexual being unless that happens.
• Many ND people (myself and most I know) have "retained primary reflexes". Look it up. They stop you from writing. From cycling, dancing, climbing, going on a roller coaster, sleeping even... With the right exercises many of those can reduce/disappear. If some of that has held you back it will change your life.
• On the "tricks" aspect of getting approached, listen to how to be a "hot ape": . Then trust it. Practice it in the small (at the supermarket counter). Then in the large (the club).
• Identify places to go that suit you. No point going to a pub if you are uncomfortable with drinkers. Who are you and what do you enjoy: dancing? Hiking? Chatting about politics? Join activities: night club, meetup/eventbrite, learners of whatever language, birdwatchers stargazers musicians writers you name it. NT people go for the craic then enjoy the activity; go for the activity you'll learn to tolerate the craic.

I wish you a great Christmas reclaiming your life.

OP you sound very vulnerable, and your thought processes are all wrong. As you are neurodivergent - which I can well believe the way you think and write - the last thing you should be doing is going for it in person where you only have social cues to go by. No surprise you got it wrong when you last tried it this way. With speed dating and singles nights, you already know that people are there for the same purpose as you, which is a start. With online chat you have the time to consider what to say, rather than having to think off the cuff.
How old are you? Picking up men in bars is something that is done in your 20's, maybe 30's on the outside, but beyond that it's just not how it's done and doesn't work, as, like you say, people are coupled up by then. You might be nostalgic for your 20's when it occurred like that, but those days are gone. Your are not making yourself look good by suggesting a man who is claiming to be unhappily married will do either. Men lie, if married keep clear whatever they say as it could well be news for his wife.

I know I need to go to interest groups, it’s difficult to find out about these, I’m out of the social loop.

Do bear in mind though that many people go to the interest group for the interest. I get weirded out when men in my running group hit on me. They don't last long because they are clearly there to creep on women, not run.

I know I need to go to interest groups, it’s difficult to find out about these, I’m out of the social loop

Go on MeetUp and look for groups in your area that are specifically for singles or unattached people, there's one in our city for 30-50 year olds, and they meet at restaurants, go walking, go to events and so on. You don't want to turn up at any old hobby group as @MrsTerryPratchett says hoping some of the men are single as many will not be, but if you start attending events which are specifically for singles/unattached, but have social things going on, then you are more likely to meet someone.

If you go to a group for a hobby interest, many people there will be surprised and not happy if you start showing interest in them as it's not always appropriate. If you struggle to work out who is and isn't showing interest, I would not go to these on the off-chance of meeting someone, only go if you like the hobby or interest and want to practice your social skills.

Take up lawn tennis - in the summer time?

@bosqueverde you’ve given some great advice, thank you.

I’ve been trying to do some of this already, the physical movement thing is definitely making me feel more confident.

I’ve got very specific and very niche interests, which usually attract a ND crowd. I’m hoping my unique career plan that involves socialising and mixing of niche topics into an exciting commercial practice that can be taken to locations and events will pay off with meeting people I like who are also single and who get me.. I kind of know that it will. It’s just difficult when you’re at the beginning stage, and also a bit starved of recent human contact!

Back in my day, eye contact and a smile worked just fine.

I know, someone looking in to your eyes and then smiling can definitely work. That’s a problem I had recently, I full on fell for someone who only did that, and then probably scared them away or they weren’t interested in the first place.

Good warning, also… it’s so difficult to get a balance. I don’t want to break anyone’s heart either. If I can’t have “love” immediately, it would be nice to meet the kind of man who only wants sex so that we are both on the same page!

I've never ever met a human person who would describe their career plan like this

Also when I became wealthy unexpectedly I found I had to fight men off - any chance of that for you?

Yeah, that’s because I’m clearly ND. I am human… I do think differently and some people appreciate that. I don’t get out into NT spaces much to be honest, so I’ve no idea how NT perceive what I’m doing.

That’s a bit of a plan I have, to become wealthy. I’m doing well enough already. If I just keep doing the things it should work. Just no approaching men at work as that would mess it up!

Erm, of course women want to be approached by men, how else would you think people meet IRL? (Let’s discount online here)

And they are bloody scared because in the modern world nothing is appropriate anymore. You can’t talk to a woman in pretty much any public space without being branded a creep. Nowhere that’s not an explicit dating setting, eg coffee shop, gym, shops, public transport…

Men constantly tell me they wouldn’t talk to a woman unless they have a pretext, eg work related question.

I do still get approached by men but it’s always a ‘making conversation’ kind of vibe. Or they say something nice and walk away. Or they stand and stare and stalk me around but don’t talk.

I really applaud the guys who come over and put their hand out and say ‘hey, my name is so and so, nice to meet you, who are you?’

And when I approach them they’ll say ‘oh I noticed you/ I remember you’. Well why didn’t you bloody speak to me then? 🙈

Times have changed.

One word - approachable body language. Look like you’re present in the space and having a good time. Go to the same places repeatedly. Make eye contact, make small talk, be nice, friendly and responsive to anyone that speaks to you, smile at staff.

Socialise with a wider range of people. Accept invites.

Confidence and being your real self are important. Own the room when you walk in, let eyes turn to you as you do.

This sends the message to anyone watching you that you’ll be courteous to them if the approach you, and might be a fun, cheery person

Thanks for the positive advice. I feel like I do a lot of this already but the crowd I do this with unfortunately are mostly already coupled up so I have just ended up being popular. I really do need to meet single people in a setting that is appropriate to make approaches. Oh how I long for more simple times of the past!