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Original poster

Would this be a deal breaker for you?

122 replies

jessiejaney · 21/12/2024 11:44

I met him 16 months ago online.

At the time he lived more less 1hour away on the tube (on a good day) and was not straight forward, at least one line change necessary if public transport was working well.

We get into the habit of me visiting him as I didn’t want him visiting me because of my teen Dd.

We had dates outside his house too but the point is, it was always me travelling to him and I was ok with that.

He would walk me back to the nearest station 10-15 minutes from his house but this was something that I had to ask the 1st time I went to visit (he didn’t offer) and I had to keep asking until it became a habit.

I was then travelling back late in the night for 1 hour+ to get home on my own at least once a week. I dont drive, he does but don’t have a car because we are in London so public transport is not an issue. And I would’t expect me to travel just to take me home. I never slept over.

But he moved to my neighbourhood - 15 minutes walking from my house. This was purely by chance as he was looking for houses all over the place.
First time I went to visit, when was time to go home I asked him if he could walk me home. It was maybe 11pm. I saw he was resistant so I said he would then see where I live and how close it is. He then agreed.

Then next time I asked if he would walk me home. He said ‘I was a big girl’

So we got into the habit of me visiting him again but then I get up and leave and get out there on my own to get home late at night while he stays nice and comfy in his house.

But he would walk me to the station before moving. Walking me home now would just be the same thing, right?

I pride myself to be a strong and independent woman and nothing bad ever hapoened. London is safe sometimes but sometimes it isn’t.

I just think he doesn’t get it. How woman are more vulnarable out there when alone late at night.
But he knows I appreciate when he does something to minimise the risks but seems like he is choosing not to care?
I’m getting so resentful.

Am I asking for too much or should I just behave like a ‘big girl’?

Relationship is good otherwise.

OP posts:
2chocolateoranges · 21/12/2024 11:47

I would expect more of a partner. When I was dating dh he used to either drive me home or walk me the 10 minutes from his home to mine, he would never have “let” me walk home myself.

trainnowdeparting · 21/12/2024 11:48

No imo you’re not asking too much. He sounds lazy and thoughtless.

MoleAndBadger · 21/12/2024 11:51

He's not going to change. I would end it. Life really is too short.

This sort of thing is basic, caring behaviour e.g he should at least ask you if you'd like him to accompany you and care about the fact that you don't feel confident walking back alone.

Either don't go or, go but get an Uber back because he is not going to change.

Slidingdowntherainbow · 21/12/2024 11:52

It sounds like you’re making it way too easy for him. Do you intend to introduce your DD to him? I’d have thought that would have happened 16 months into a relationship. Once you have, do you plan for visits to be shared between homes? Do you plan to ever live together?

It all sounds very one sided and a bit like a teenage relationship with no communication or care(on his part)

Mrswhatsit40 · 21/12/2024 11:54

He sounds utterly crap.

Hes lazy and selfish and he doesn’t really care about you. He has you doing all the running and hasn’t even bothered visiting your home.

He’s happy to use you for sex on tap I’d say. You need to work on your self esteem a bit lovely x

PartyLlama · 21/12/2024 11:54

He sounds inconsiderate and I really dislike the big girl comment.Tell him to go do one

TwistedWonder · 21/12/2024 11:56

I’d say he sees you as a convenient FWB rather than a partner tbh.

He's putting in zero effort and you’re doing all the legwork.

You're wasting your time if you want more than casual with this one I think

Original poster
jessiejaney · 21/12/2024 11:57

Slidingdowntherainbow · 21/12/2024 11:52

It sounds like you’re making it way too easy for him. Do you intend to introduce your DD to him? I’d have thought that would have happened 16 months into a relationship. Once you have, do you plan for visits to be shared between homes? Do you plan to ever live together?

It all sounds very one sided and a bit like a teenage relationship with no communication or care(on his part)

We were planning an intriduction now in 2025 but I would still not invite him over regurlarly or for long visits as I’d like to keep my home neutral for Dd

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 21/12/2024 12:00

You either accept this, or move on. Does this behaviour manifest itself elsewhere? Does he plan any outings? Cook you dinner? Take an interest in your day?

Bachboo · 21/12/2024 12:00

You honestly deserve better than this. He should care enough about you to make sure you are getting home safely. Dump him

mindutopia · 21/12/2024 12:00

Well, personally, I’ve never expected anyone to walk me home. If it was late, too late to safely get home, I’d stay over rather than ask someone to go for a 30 minute walk when they should be getting into bed. Or I’d get an uber. But that’s just me. I think it’s maybe just an unusual situation, the walking home late rather than staying over which has thrown him. In his shoes, I’d offer for you to stay or I’d suggest an uber and also offer to pay for it sometimes. I wouldn’t want to be wandering around London in the dark myself though.

Original poster
jessiejaney · 21/12/2024 12:01

TwistedWonder · 21/12/2024 11:56

I’d say he sees you as a convenient FWB rather than a partner tbh.

He's putting in zero effort and you’re doing all the legwork.

You're wasting your time if you want more than casual with this one I think

Yeah sounds like it

I dont want to get married or move in together but I want more of a partnership even if living in different places

He does put a lot of effort everywhere else in the relationship but not worrying about my safety even when he knows I do is a huge turn off - having to ask him is crazy to me. He should offer in my opinion.

OP posts:
Original poster
jessiejaney · 21/12/2024 12:03

mondaytosunday · 21/12/2024 12:00

You either accept this, or move on. Does this behaviour manifest itself elsewhere? Does he plan any outings? Cook you dinner? Take an interest in your day?

Yes
Always plan outings, always cooks, always prepared to pay, sends gifts and flowers, asks about my day, listens, etc

Everything else is there a part from the walking me home issue

OP posts:
Shortestday · 21/12/2024 12:07

When I read this my mind went straight to all the heartbreaking threads on MN where the OP is ill and their partner won't lift a finger to offer even basic care or help to them. Where the partner is so selfish they lack the basic human instinct for care and compassion.
I think OP this man would be one of those: he doesn't really care about you or your safety or welfare.
And that's not even addressing the " big girl" comment. I would end the relationship over that alone. How patronising and unpleasant. He doesn't even see women as equals to men.

Original poster
jessiejaney · 21/12/2024 12:10

mindutopia · 21/12/2024 12:00

Well, personally, I’ve never expected anyone to walk me home. If it was late, too late to safely get home, I’d stay over rather than ask someone to go for a 30 minute walk when they should be getting into bed. Or I’d get an uber. But that’s just me. I think it’s maybe just an unusual situation, the walking home late rather than staying over which has thrown him. In his shoes, I’d offer for you to stay or I’d suggest an uber and also offer to pay for it sometimes. I wouldn’t want to be wandering around London in the dark myself though.

He never suggested I stay.

Maybe I would if it was planned, especially when he moved closer

He once suggested an uber from his old place to the station but that is only because he did not want to walk with me on that day

I was ok in the public transport and ok walking home now, nothing ever happened but I guess I just like the old fashion style when a man is more protective especially since I’m the one going to him all the time

When he was living further getting an uber every week would be too expensive for me.

OP posts:
Imbusytodaysorry · 21/12/2024 12:11

jessiejaney · 21/12/2024 11:57

We were planning an intriduction now in 2025 but I would still not invite him over regurlarly or for long visits as I’d like to keep my home neutral for Dd

Show quote history

Delay introducing.

I agree with others it’s not going to get better .

Viviennemary · 21/12/2024 12:13

MoleAndBadger · 21/12/2024 11:51

He's not going to change. I would end it. Life really is too short.

This sort of thing is basic, caring behaviour e.g he should at least ask you if you'd like him to accompany you and care about the fact that you don't feel confident walking back alone.

Either don't go or, go but get an Uber back because he is not going to change.

I agree. Why can't he give you a lift home.

Original poster
jessiejaney · 21/12/2024 12:14

Viviennemary · 21/12/2024 12:13

I agree. Why can't he give you a lift home.

Show quote history

He doesnt have a car

OP posts:
Browningstown · 21/12/2024 12:15

OP, your boundaries are very poor.
Talk about one sided effort.

Someone who genuinely cared about you is concerned for your safety.

You have made little of yourself doing this.

He is a lazy selfish man.
Ick.

itsmylife7 · 21/12/2024 12:16

So you've never spent a night together ?

Ever been on a weekend away ?

Original poster
jessiejaney · 21/12/2024 12:22

itsmylife7 · 21/12/2024 12:16

So you've never spent a night together ?

Ever been on a weekend away ?

No

OP posts:
JoanOgden · 21/12/2024 12:24

I live in London and for me it would depend entirely on the route. A well-lit main road in many areas would be fine, the back streets or somewhere edgy less so. But the "big girl" comment would have annoyed me.

Why have you never stayed over - because of your daughter?

itsmylife7 · 21/12/2024 12:25

jessiejaney · 21/12/2024 12:22

No

Show quote history

Your choice ?

Stretchanoctave · 21/12/2024 12:32

Have you posted before about him? Sounds familiar.

Original poster
jessiejaney · 21/12/2024 12:34

JoanOgden · 21/12/2024 12:24

I live in London and for me it would depend entirely on the route. A well-lit main road in many areas would be fine, the back streets or somewhere edgy less so. But the "big girl" comment would have annoyed me.

Why have you never stayed over - because of your daughter?

So, coming from the tube to home was straightforward on a bus that dropped me almost at my door step and he walked me ftom his house to the station so it was ok

But now that he moved in the neighbourhood I have to use the backstreets or make a detour to get a bus from the main road which would add a lot if time to the otherwise 15 minute journey

At the start I didn’t stay over because we were getting to know each other and it felt like he lived far so I wouldnt just get home quick enough if needed or next morning

But now that he is only a 15 minute walking away it would be a lot easier to stay over but the truth is - he never invited / suggested

OP posts:
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