Would this be a deal breaker for you?

[jessiejaney]

I met him 16 months ago online.

At the time he lived more less 1hour away on the tube (on a good day) and was not straight forward, at least one line change necessary if public transport was working well.

We get into the habit of me visiting him as I didn’t want him visiting me because of my teen Dd.

We had dates outside his house too but the point is, it was always me travelling to him and I was ok with that.

He would walk me back to the nearest station 10-15 minutes from his house but this was something that I had to ask the 1st time I went to visit (he didn’t offer) and I had to keep asking until it became a habit.

I was then travelling back late in the night for 1 hour+ to get home on my own at least once a week. I dont drive, he does but don’t have a car because we are in London so public transport is not an issue. And I would’t expect me to travel just to take me home. I never slept over.

But he moved to my neighbourhood - 15 minutes walking from my house. This was purely by chance as he was looking for houses all over the place.
First time I went to visit, when was time to go home I asked him if he could walk me home. It was maybe 11pm. I saw he was resistant so I said he would then see where I live and how close it is. He then agreed.

Then next time I asked if he would walk me home. He said ‘I was a big girl’

So we got into the habit of me visiting him again but then I get up and leave and get out there on my own to get home late at night while he stays nice and comfy in his house.

But he would walk me to the station before moving. Walking me home now would just be the same thing, right?

I pride myself to be a strong and independent woman and nothing bad ever hapoened. London is safe sometimes but sometimes it isn’t.

I just think he doesn’t get it. How woman are more vulnarable out there when alone late at night.
But he knows I appreciate when he does something to minimise the risks but seems like he is choosing not to care?
I’m getting so resentful.

Am I asking for too much or should I just behave like a ‘big girl’?

Relationship is good otherwise.

He broke protocol

Um, he's not your employee or your subordinate or a member of the armed forces! Definitely best that you're ending it.

If out of the whole thread you chose to focus on a choice of word from me I don’t see the point in your ‘contribution’
Oh I see. You are one of those who makes MN not be the best it could be

I'm sorry you took my comments as being harsh, that wasn't my intention and I apologise for upsetting you. I was trying to show that I think you're being a bit hard on him. But I now see that you had already made your mind up before you posted, so it was pointless commenting at all! Hope the break-up is amicable.

No worries

If it is going to be amicable frim my part

And seeing this relationship seems like a FWB thing, if he acts up I might tell him to be a ‘big boy’
I know petty, maybe I will just say it in my head but just come to show how his comment about me being a ‘big girl’ damaged the relationship especially since I’ve been very easy going this whole time
But he just wants even easier

So I’m going to go out on a limb here and say I think you’re being a bit precious and I can’t understand why PPs are equating him with some of the seriously nasty and selfish men you hear about on here. Couldn’t you just get a taxi if it’s so important for you to get home? it sounds like he’d pay for it if you asked. You are forgetting that he has to walk back after dropping you off, so it is a half hour walk for him.

But tbf the whole relationship sounds a bit weird that you haven’t spent one single night together in 16 months and he’s never been inside your house. I’m assuming that your DD knows you are dating or are you acting like he doesn’t exist to her.

Yes she knows

Like I said - it is just not part of who he is and I’m in the take it ir leave it camp - rather than try and change someone

It’d be a dealbreaker for me. Not because I’m incapable of walking home alone at night, but I would want someone to give a shit about my safety. I do this for female friends who walk back to their car at night when we’ve been out. I would like them to offer, at least.

Sarah Everard and countless other women who had a simple walk home found their lives cut short in the worst possible way, and they were also 'big girls'.

I was followed by a bloke about 2 months ago, broad daylight - midday. I'm a big girl too.

All the women who have read your thread OP, are 'big girls', yet I'd bet a month's wages an awful lot of them have also been followed on their way home, or on their way to somewhere.

If I met someone in my local area and he did not offer each time to walk me home at night I think I would feel the same. I'd want a partner who really 'gets it' - someone who understands how risky it is for us 'big girls'.

If you had ever allowed him to visit your house, would you have walked him home?

In this case, can you blame him for wanting you to go to his? I do think he should offer to walk you home though.

It sounds like you’re not really looking for a relationship. Is he? Does he want to live together in the future or become a significant person in your child’s life?

Thank you
Exactly

I can’t believe there are few women on this thread trying to turn this against me because I never invited him inside my house or because we never had an overnight together or because this seems to be a FWB, or because I can just uber

It is beyond talking
If I already had to ask him and asked more than once and he still refuses than there is no hope

It is who he is
If it doesn’t come from him, than I don’t want it

Maybe this is grounbreaking for some but FWBs are relationships too

There are many kinds of relationships that can’t be built and be good even if it is not marriage/living together

In my case this FWB has everything I wanted except from 1 deal breaker that I dealt with at the start but regressed now because of the other party not compromising so I’m happy to get out.

🙄

You can do it for your man👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼

Your entire first pair made me think things had run their course. There is just no progressing in the relationship or situationship whatever it is. The casual putting you off when you asked about being walked 15 minutes home through a not sage route and then calling you a big girl like you were a 5 year old is what made me think this. More than the not getting the walking home in the 1st place

You’ve posted about this issue before OP and it seems like nothing has changed since then.
The most concerning thing is that he doesn’t care about your safety/doesn’t see the problem. Whichever one it is - this relationship will not give you a sense of safety. I’d let him go.

So if you have had your mind made up already I'm unsure why you've posted asking if everyone else agrees. You don't have to answer this of course. If you've already decided then it would seem logical to end it rather than spending the time explaining yourself on here. Your choice though.

Isn’t what MN is for?
Cant we just have a chat here? Connected with like minded people?
Or see if there are any blind spots even if the mind is already made up?

Are you the MN police?

You can do better than him.

Yes he should be walking you home.

put it this way. I was out at a work do last night and two of my male colleagues walked me to the hotel I was staying at in town. This isn’t even a city. and they aren’t dating me. They’re just being decent men because it’s what you do.

I’ve always walked myself to and from bus stops/ tube stations so it took me a while to understand the issue here. But I think your main issue is that you have told him it’s important and he doesn’t get it? Have you told him why - that for you, and apparently many other women too, it’s just the done thing for a man to walk a woman home for safety, and so why can’t he do it for you? Then at least you’ve given him every chance as otherwise you have all the work of finding a new FWB.

@jessiejaney my apologies clearly you're only here for people to agree with you and tell you how right you are and how terribly awful he is. Defensiveness speaks volumes

I too remember you posting about this before OP. I think you're right to dump this selfish, lazy man, he's shown you what he is, believe him. x

Yes
Just for the ones who ‘gets’ it

It would be a brave man that would attempt a "big girl" comment with me.

Instant dumping.

I think you absolutely should use the big boy comment to him if you get a chance.

Tosser.

I'm in London zone 4, and my boyfriend lives 15-20 mins away but it is not walkable due to main roads. I'm in a similar situation to you, we always meet at his. However, I always paid for my own uber back home, now and then he'd drive me back. I would no way expect him to be responsible for me getting home.

A few months later I learned to drive and got my own car.