Would this be a deal breaker for you?

[jessiejaney]

I met him 16 months ago online.

At the time he lived more less 1hour away on the tube (on a good day) and was not straight forward, at least one line change necessary if public transport was working well.

We get into the habit of me visiting him as I didn’t want him visiting me because of my teen Dd.

We had dates outside his house too but the point is, it was always me travelling to him and I was ok with that.

He would walk me back to the nearest station 10-15 minutes from his house but this was something that I had to ask the 1st time I went to visit (he didn’t offer) and I had to keep asking until it became a habit.

I was then travelling back late in the night for 1 hour+ to get home on my own at least once a week. I dont drive, he does but don’t have a car because we are in London so public transport is not an issue. And I would’t expect me to travel just to take me home. I never slept over.

But he moved to my neighbourhood - 15 minutes walking from my house. This was purely by chance as he was looking for houses all over the place.
First time I went to visit, when was time to go home I asked him if he could walk me home. It was maybe 11pm. I saw he was resistant so I said he would then see where I live and how close it is. He then agreed.

Then next time I asked if he would walk me home. He said ‘I was a big girl’

So we got into the habit of me visiting him again but then I get up and leave and get out there on my own to get home late at night while he stays nice and comfy in his house.

But he would walk me to the station before moving. Walking me home now would just be the same thing, right?

I pride myself to be a strong and independent woman and nothing bad ever hapoened. London is safe sometimes but sometimes it isn’t.

I just think he doesn’t get it. How woman are more vulnarable out there when alone late at night.
But he knows I appreciate when he does something to minimise the risks but seems like he is choosing not to care?
I’m getting so resentful.

Am I asking for too much or should I just behave like a ‘big girl’?

Relationship is good otherwise.

When he lived far uber would be expensive every week. It would be 1 hour uber at least I guess

Now the 15 minutes is perfectly walkable but on empty streets

If he walked the 15 minutes to the station before than why not the 15 minutes now?
This is the part that makes no sense. We had a habit that was estabilished at the start and he obviously was not doing from his heart hence the big girl comment

If the streets are empty and safe, I personally would just walk home by myself, with the expectation he checks i get home ok. If its not safe and its late at night, he should really ask you to stay over. I guess if you staying over is a problem for him it seems like the relationship is not going anywhere.

Yes
I did go by myself because nothing ever happened but maybe I’m lucky.

Safe zones are safe until it is a bad day and then it is not anymore

We can never know

It just boggles my mind that I go to his house to spend time and he gping out on the streets late night to go back home and his idea of safetv is me texting him when I arrived

I remember a couple of ocasions when he lived far and my journey on the tube was delayed because of cancelations and the journey took a lot longer than usual

Once I texted him to say I arrived he said in both ocasions ‘oh that took longer than usual’
But did he text me to check why was it taking longer?
No he didn’t and probably because he either doesn’t get it or doesn’t care

Yes, he seems thoughtless and selfish.

Have you suggest to him that you stay over? What is his response?

OP you are taking it to him, literally, of course he doesn’t want to be bothered walking you home/to the tube, he has switched off by then!

You are selling yourself short girl, get real.

deal breaker - some deal this is ?!

But you’re expecting your FWB to care about you more than, say a mate. If he did, he would want more than a FWB situation. You can’t have it both ways.

It sounds as though you’ve already made up your mind (which I think is reasonable) but out of interest do you ever do anything else together - days or meals out or cinema etc? Met friends or family?

yes

He does not care about you enough. My husband would never allow this.

Yes, you are a big girl, but that's not the point really, is it!! The point is, you are walking 15 minutes home, late at night, in the dark. Personally, I don't think it's much to ask. It's half an hour of his time, to walk you home, and then walk home himself. If I go out in the evening with friends, normally my husband drops me off and picks me up. Purely, so I don't have to catch a bus or taxi, on my own. I don't live in London, so public transport isn't so frequent. I'm sure I'd be fine, but my husband always says he'd feel happier knowing he's picking me up and I am safe. You'd have thought your partner, would want to make sure you are safe, by walking you home!

He's taking you for granted, Jessie, needs a wake up call. Be less available from now on and see if things pick up. If not, cast your net elsewhere.

This is crazy, any decent man should walk you home/drive you etc. my dd’s boyfriend knew this when he was 17! Sounds like he doesn’t give a shit.

Just so!!!

how old is your daughter? Could you spend the night at his place?

I would feel the same as you, OP.

I wonder if he didn’t mind before because you were still getting home later than him. I wonder if now he doesn’t like it that you’d be at home and he’d still have 15 minutes before he was back at his?

Either way he doesn’t sound great and it would be very unattractive to me.

Crazy to think that would be the reason especially since I explained that when he lived far, the bus dropped me pretty much at my door but he has seen the backstreets now

Imagine you are a man, you see a woman who just came to visit you getting dressed, puting a coat on to go back home and you let her walk in the dark while you are warm and cozy inside waiting for a text message to say she arrived ok

This from a man who is all big about working out, growing muscles etc

What a f* joke

This has just reminded me that growing up as young teens upwards, we always walked each other at least halfway back to our respective houses.. and that's just young girls looking out for each other.

It was what you did.

Seriously unimpressed with this bloke OP 🤨

He moved closer to you and maybe expected this to change the expectation that he accompanies you until you are somewhere you feel 'safe'.

Out of interest, what would you do if you were visiting a friend who lived in the same place? Would it be different if it was a male friend vs a female friend?

I live in London, I would not want to walk anywhere late at night alone and certainly wouldn't continue with a man that didn't offer to alleviate that fear that many many woman have, rightly so.

You deserve better. Your DD deserves a better person for her Mum too.

This. How can he fail to see that it's not an issue of maturity, it's an issue of safety!

My exh was like this. Couldn't see danger anywhere, wouldn't walk me places at night, and he turned out to be a truly appalling man-baby.

It's a red flag. Sorry, but it is. Real men know how vulnerable women are on the streets at night. If he doesn't fancy a 30-min walk in the dark himself, he could at least pay for an Uber for you half the time. That's the LEAST he could do seeing as you're making the effort to travel to him.

😂😂😂 Oh yes, because women have equality on the streets.

Is it conceivable that HE is nervous of walking back alone? Of course, he wouldn't admit it. Just a thought.

You are what's wrong with society.

Oh come on, it's hardly the same. There's a reason the cop picked on Sarah Everard instead of a man.