Would this be a deal breaker for you?

[jessiejaney]

I met him 16 months ago online.

At the time he lived more less 1hour away on the tube (on a good day) and was not straight forward, at least one line change necessary if public transport was working well.

We get into the habit of me visiting him as I didn’t want him visiting me because of my teen Dd.

We had dates outside his house too but the point is, it was always me travelling to him and I was ok with that.

He would walk me back to the nearest station 10-15 minutes from his house but this was something that I had to ask the 1st time I went to visit (he didn’t offer) and I had to keep asking until it became a habit.

I was then travelling back late in the night for 1 hour+ to get home on my own at least once a week. I dont drive, he does but don’t have a car because we are in London so public transport is not an issue. And I would’t expect me to travel just to take me home. I never slept over.

But he moved to my neighbourhood - 15 minutes walking from my house. This was purely by chance as he was looking for houses all over the place.
First time I went to visit, when was time to go home I asked him if he could walk me home. It was maybe 11pm. I saw he was resistant so I said he would then see where I live and how close it is. He then agreed.

Then next time I asked if he would walk me home. He said ‘I was a big girl’

So we got into the habit of me visiting him again but then I get up and leave and get out there on my own to get home late at night while he stays nice and comfy in his house.

But he would walk me to the station before moving. Walking me home now would just be the same thing, right?

I pride myself to be a strong and independent woman and nothing bad ever hapoened. London is safe sometimes but sometimes it isn’t.

I just think he doesn’t get it. How woman are more vulnarable out there when alone late at night.
But he knows I appreciate when he does something to minimise the risks but seems like he is choosing not to care?
I’m getting so resentful.

Am I asking for too much or should I just behave like a ‘big girl’?

Relationship is good otherwise.

I think there is a bit of a London not-London divide on this - in London, everyone I know walks alone late at night because the alternative is basically never going anywhere. Non Londoners seem much more reluctant to do it.

So I think if he treats you well overall, it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. But if you feel strongly about being walked home, you should feel comfortable to ask him to do it even if he thinks it's silly

We nevet talked about it

So you go to his house have sex and then walk home.

Maybe some flowers and food thrown in.

So you're happy with everything apart from him not walking you home,is that right ?

I think the problem is that it's important to you and he doesn't seem to care about that.

I'd have no problem sorting my own travel plans out alone but if it's important to you, it should be important to him if you've communicated that to him.

This. It sounds like you are a friend with benefits. Do you get anything out of the relationship apart from providing him with on tap sex?

Have you properly communicated to him how important this is to you, as in a deal-breaker? If not then obviously you need to especially if it's the only issue. If you have id address it once more so he knows just how your feeling about it. Maybe you should have a wider conversation about what you both want out if your relationship

The more you update the more it sounds like a casual sex arrangement rather than a relationship.

After 16 months you’ve never spent a night together or even discussed it? I find that incredible tbh. It’s something that I’d expect after a few weeks/couple of months

Yes I’d say that the issue in the OP is the only issue but it is making me lose attraction and respect and I’m gettting slightely resentful which is the big issue in itself - but like I said in a follow up post, he shows thoughtfulness in another ways, is caring when I’m sick etc

He knows that walking me home is important to me otherwise I’d not have asked. I’m leaving his house earleir and earlier now a days

The ‘big girl’ comment, I hated it

I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that you've never spent the night together in 16 months! I'd feel very reluctant to put you into relationship/partner category if I were him. I'd see you as a convenient FWB. I understand you feeling vulnerable walking home alone, but I doubt he takes you very seriously at this point. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but 16months and you've never slept in the same bed!

Why have you never brought this up to him? It's not up to only him to suggest this. You have agency to bring it up also. Get up super early in the morning and walk home then so you'll be home when your DD wakes up.

Well I had to make it a habit of him walking me to the station when he lived far
He never offered
But I had to tell him I’d not come otherwise

Then he moved closer and I had to ask him to walk me home. He did reluctantly. Then when I asked again he told me I’m a big girl

He is not stupid, he knows it is important to me, he just doesn’t care

You're giving off major FWB vibes too, OP. You don't want him inside your house even for a cup of tea? I'm all for slow burning when there are kids involved, but he's moved closer to you and yet you're still boxing him off from the rest of your life. Yes, he does all the right things during the "dates" because there's sex on the menu but I can see why he's not arsed about walking you home when he's not allowed to step over the threshold!

Has he met any of your friends or family?

Compare this to the thread about the husband wanting his wife to acknowledge he's arrived home by coming and saying hello in the hallway. An easy sweet gesture to make your partner feel loved and cared for. Reconnecting at the end of a day apart. No biggie to do. He was called demanding and entitled and the very thought of doing that for a partner was sneered at and ridiculed. The OP wants escorting home when she lives round the corner, easy and safe to do by herself, a far bigger ask in comparison, and she's being told to leave him?! FWIW, I think he should want to walk you home, to show you he cares, and I hope that he listens to you and steps up.

The ‘big girl’ comment, I hated it

As you should, it's never meant as a kind thing. He's telling you how much he cares about you.

All the flowers, cooked meals, whatever, easy enough for him to do, they benefit him too (does he do Instagram?) but actually putting a little bit of effort in to try and keep you safe, willingly, is too much to ask of him. Yes, it would be a deal breaker for me. Listen to your instinct.

So he doesn't mind organising stuff, saying caring things and buying gifts etc, as long as you make all the effort in going to his and then leaving him late at night on your own.

He's not keen on making any actual physical effort, is he?

He is not stupid, he knows it is important to me, he just doesn’t care

More importantly he wants you to know he doesn't care.

I like my own space, I like waking in my own bed / house so whilst he never asked for me to stay over, I never cared about that either.

Yes I agree it should be more deeper than it is now after all this time. It just hasn’t happened and I was ok with it

But if he can’t walk me home even though he lives in my neighborhood now then I don’t want to go out with him or visit him either

I will break up before Christmas

His laziness would put me off a bit. But the big and serious issue is his lack of concern for your safety. When I was single I never felt unsafe walking home at any time. But realistically I was unsafe, just stayed lucky!

So his lack of care, even after you’ve asked him, is a red flag. All the rest of his good points are easy, no great effort.

He also never showed any inclination of wanting to come inside my house or visiting me so this is not it

So he shouldn’t walk me home because he is not allowed in for a cup of tea at 11pm / midnight?

Wow sorry OP this says it all .
He only wants sex
Doesn’t want to spend time with you doesn’t want to cuddle up
Doesn’t want to have breakfast

Does not Care if you get home safe. .

Ditch this guy .

I think you're doing the right thing, for both your sakes. If you really, really liked him and saw a future with him, you'd have wanted to stay over and would've made it happen. But it's unreasonable to be cross that he won't walk you back every single time because you don't care about him enough to stay. You can't have it all ways.

Yes
I wanted him to want to do it because it would be who he is

Asking me to text him that I arrived home is not ‘it’ - it is not caring

I can see now that we are not suited anymore

So rather than sit down and have a rational adult conversation with him about your relationship and this issue, you'll break up in the next few days having spoken with the anonymous people of MN. Sounds like neither of you are in this for a mature relationship. Have either of you said "I love youl"? If that's not there by this stage then it's pretty clear it's a FWB situation. It's just that usually both parties would already be well aware of that.

I didn't mean that late at night, I meant at other times. Knowing your home is a no-go zone may well be a factor in him being less inclined to walk you back. You say he's never shown any inclination, but some people wait to be asked.

I'm not saying he's not a dick, I'm just saying you are giving off major FWB vibes too.

I dont mind FWB vibes
Moving together or marrying has never been in the cards

Sure he doesnt mind either, I’m pretty sure he is more than ok with not coming into my house

Like I said is the issue of him not walking me home is making me lose attraction, respect and I am getting resentful
So the FWB vibes can not be mantained as I dont feel like spending time with him anymore

I believe ppl can still be FWB and care for each other’s safety but he doesnt want to walk me home whereas in the past he would walk me to the station - so nothing would change much except the route.

He broke protocol

He had to get ready and walk with me before no why has it stopped now?
It doesn’t make sense

And as I lost whatever feelings I had then so be it

Why I’m posting this here?
Just for a chat. Get a variety of opinions from strangers rather than from people who know us.

I had my mind made up before posting here
I’m not asking for MN to decide for me

We had the conversartion before
I told him I’d not ho to his house if he did not walk me back to the station

Now that he moved, it is the same 15 minutes (or 30 both ways) just a different place

I will not talk again because I wanted it to ve who he is not me forcing him to be something he isn’t