Would this be a deal breaker for you?

[jessiejaney]

I met him 16 months ago online.

At the time he lived more less 1hour away on the tube (on a good day) and was not straight forward, at least one line change necessary if public transport was working well.

We get into the habit of me visiting him as I didn’t want him visiting me because of my teen Dd.

We had dates outside his house too but the point is, it was always me travelling to him and I was ok with that.

He would walk me back to the nearest station 10-15 minutes from his house but this was something that I had to ask the 1st time I went to visit (he didn’t offer) and I had to keep asking until it became a habit.

I was then travelling back late in the night for 1 hour+ to get home on my own at least once a week. I dont drive, he does but don’t have a car because we are in London so public transport is not an issue. And I would’t expect me to travel just to take me home. I never slept over.

But he moved to my neighbourhood - 15 minutes walking from my house. This was purely by chance as he was looking for houses all over the place.
First time I went to visit, when was time to go home I asked him if he could walk me home. It was maybe 11pm. I saw he was resistant so I said he would then see where I live and how close it is. He then agreed.

Then next time I asked if he would walk me home. He said ‘I was a big girl’

So we got into the habit of me visiting him again but then I get up and leave and get out there on my own to get home late at night while he stays nice and comfy in his house.

But he would walk me to the station before moving. Walking me home now would just be the same thing, right?

I pride myself to be a strong and independent woman and nothing bad ever hapoened. London is safe sometimes but sometimes it isn’t.

I just think he doesn’t get it. How woman are more vulnarable out there when alone late at night.
But he knows I appreciate when he does something to minimise the risks but seems like he is choosing not to care?
I’m getting so resentful.

Am I asking for too much or should I just behave like a ‘big girl’?

Relationship is good otherwise.

I also think that never spending the night together is weird. You can spend the night together and still be only FWBs! It just sounds like an altogether cold relationship.

What's important is whether it's important to you and it obviously is. I'd personally hate to be walked home - totally 1950s and infatilising in my opinion, but I know others heartily disagree! You could also take a taxi?

Maybe he's fed up with always hosting? It sounds a bit (and I could be compeltely worong here) like it's slipped into hook-up territory?

I agree.
I agree that he shouldn't have said you're a big girl and in my opinion, he should be walking you home as he knows it's an issue for you but you don't even let him come to your house, so it's very one sided from you too. You're nearly a year and a half in, so I'm surprised he isn't allowed to come to yours or you to stay at his. It's not like you're only just dating.

a) if I visited a friend I would not stay until 11-12pm

b) it would not be doing the visit every week so I could take an uber if I stayed too late since it would be a one off

No
He moved closer because that was the only house he liked, it was a councidence that it was in my neighborhood

He looked at many houses before finding this one and they were all even further/awkward to get to than the house he was already living

No

He is a big guy with big muscles who lifts big weights at the gym and has a big talk of how tough he is

Huh? Care to elaborate?

I’m going to clarify this once and for all as people unfortunayely don’t read my updates

1- The arrangement of me visiting him and him not visiting me worked for both of us. No - he was not fed up with hosting. No - he was not feeling left out because he never visited me. No - he did not want to play houses. No - he had no desire to be my guest in my house, sleep over at my house, have a cup of tea at my house.

2- He never invited me to stay over and I was ok with that. We never spent the night together because I’d rather wake up in my own house alone and do my own thing so I never pressed to stay over either. But when he moved 15 minutes walking distance from me that would be something I could consider IF I were to continue seeing him

3- There were never plans to marry / move together. I don’t have those plans at all, it doesn’t matter who the man is.

4- Going to my house from his old house was a longer journey but felt safer than the intinerary of 15 minutes walking the backstreets. And he took me to the station so he put some efforts in getting dressed and getting out there with me. The effort matters. Since he moved he withdrew the efforts hence the ‘big girl’ comment. So he started taking me for granted.

5- If we were meeting somewhere else in London we would often still end up at his. Sometimes I’d just go straight to his for movie/dinner etc - so I was pretty much doing all the travel to make this thing work all those months which was very convinient for him so paying for my own uber back home every time was not going to happen - also he earns 3x more than me and offered me an uber only once when he was not feeling like walking me to the station and the uber would take me to the station only

6- He usually got uber for himself when going back home late at night after going out with his mates and couldn’t be bothered to deal with the tube

7- Since he moved to my neighbourhood he went back to his old neighbourhood to visit his local drinking places and meet with mates etc and expressed how long, tiring and unpredictable is the journey back late at night. I told him ‘now you see what I had to go through every week’ - and instead of making the effort to walk me home 15 minutes down the road after I put so much effort when he was living far, he decided to drop the ball - his choice. He knew it was important to me. I asked.

We usually meet on Saturdays so yesterday I asked to meet at a coffee shop in the high street and told him that I’m not happy. He said ‘I noticed. What can I do to make things better?’ I said: ‘Nothing. It’s over. Good bye’
Then I left.

I’d not be able to get back to how it was before even if he started to walk me home every time. I’m not here to teach a grow man the basics. And it is not who he naturally is so I don’t want it.
The situation seems so small but it sucked all the joy and respect I had for the thing we had. I got a major ick and thinking about him now makes extremely annoyed.

I hope not to see him around in the high street - we have different shopping habits - and I hope he moves somewhere else.

I’m glad that I never influenced him to come to this postcode and was totally neutral when he found this place. He can’t say he moved here for me.

@WhisperGold

No not really. If you need someone to spell out why your comment is ridiculous then you're a problem.
It's not all men, but it's always men.

What did he say when you dumped him, has he messaged you?

He likes it where he has to make absolutely no effort. I wouldn't respect a man like that. He doesn't care if you get home safely. I wouldn't respect a man like that either.

"I’m not here to teach a grow man the basics. And it is not who he naturally is so I don’t want it."

👏

You didn't say my comment was ridiculous. Which is a matter of opinion. You said I was what was wrong with society. Which I'm not.

Well done OP.
He sounds like a selfish loser.
You deserve better.

Men friends have walked me home on many occasions, its really basic decency.

He sounds uncouth.

@WhisperGold That's also a matter of opinion.

You've stated that I am what's wrong with society. You've got nothing to back up that hyperbolic nonsense.

It's not ok. He doesn't care about your safety.

Ugh glad you dumped him. How can he be so unaware. I don’t walk anywhere in the dark alone. And if I did I know my husband would be worrying or working out what to do so I didn’t need to.

Never spent the night together after over a year?? Definitely bin this one.

Come on, you know very well the difference.

So you think you are smart with this comment? It is not the same and you know it and don't even try and use more men are attacked by other men comments. It's not relevant.

Didn't realise you were in charge of what I'm allowed to say on the internet and what is relevant.
When did that happen?