I feel doomed - single mum deserve love?

[Fizzylemon6]

I am a single mother and I believe I deserve happiness and the opportunity for me and my child to have a fresh start give them more siblings and have a family .

I constantly see narratives like don’t date single mums. Step parents can’t love a child who isn’t theirs, like there own or children are more likely to be abused with a step parent around.

It just makes me feel like what’s the point and undeserving. I never intended to become a single mother, but society makes it feel like we are the rubbish on the street side with no value or use.

what’s peoples views and experience on being a a single mum or a step parent, creating a blended family. Or just the topic in general would like to hear lots of perspectives.

I think you child needs to be safe more than you need a relationship or more kids. It’s putting your child first.
I was the step child, too young to know what was happening, but my ‘SM’ didn’t want me in my DF’s life at all. She wanted him to herself, and was a real bitch to a child who didn’t understand. I shouldn’t have had to put up with that.
Funnily enough DM did the right thing I think, I wasn’t aware if she dated, and she didn’t remarry until I was about 14.

I think it’s a minefield but can be navigated with care. You can put your child first and still date and have a relationship. The measures of success for your child will differ to you though. Take it slow, date without them meeting your child. Be 100% sure (or have a nosey kid who isn’t bothered when a boyfriend leaves but wants to get a look at them!) before you make any kid introduction. Any time spent with boyfriend and kid should be fun for the child so they come to associate new guy with fun times. Make sure you do a Clare’s Law and be alert for signs that your boyfriend is too interested in your child but don’t expect it. Most guys aren’t paedophiles. Personally I think it all gets trickier if the boyfriend has his own kids or you both go on to have new babies together. I now live with my DD and my boyfriend and they get along great. She actively likes having him here. However there are more children in the mix and we won’t be having babies!

I think you're conflating 2 different things. Do women who happen to be single parents have value? Yes of course! Does the situation make things more difficult? Also yes. Both can be true, you aren't just a single parent you are also an individual; but the reality is lots of men don't want to have the potential in the future of being expected to slip into a step parent role (fair enough), and as you should put the safety of your child first it makes the logistics of dating a lot harder than for someone who is single with no ties.

I would never want to put my little one at harm by a person who would abuse or leave them out. I am just feeling like if this is the likely outcome. What’s the point even trying

I met dp when dd1 was 4 , we met through mutual friends , when he moved back into my area , his mum was also my daughters pre school teacher ! It has worked brilliantly . My ex has had no contact with her for 20 years, so we never had a split home situation.

I think you are right that there are some people who are judgemental about single mothers and there are plenty of men who don't want to get involved. I think that narrows your options, but that's a good thing. If you want to start a new relationship it should be with someone who wholly accepts your situation.
I met someone who was single and without children but wanted to have a family life. He was delighted to be part of our unit once he had passed my strict vetting procedure! Everything has turned out well, but I was very careful with those first steps when we were getting to know each other.

I don't think that people thing that single parents are underserving of finding love but there's no doubt that some people do rush in to blending families and therefore encounter difficulties.

I think you have to separate you and your want for a new relationship from your role as a mother. To me, they are separate things. You can be one thing, at some times and another at other times. You can have a boyfriend without involving your role as a mother.

@Begby6789 do you have any suggestions or tips on how you sone your vetting ?

I became an SP not by choice when mine were 3 and 5. About a year later I met someone online. That was a decade ago. We don't live together and he has little to do with them generally. He rarely stays over when they are here and we don't do meals together or anything. When the kids were smaller I would see him EOW when ex had them and at mine after they had gone to bed. Now they are teens we can go out for dinner etc and leave them at home. We go for weekends away and Sundays out. We are both happy with this, which is the key thing. He doesn't want to parent them and I didn't want to add another element of change into their lives after their dad and left and pitched them almost immediately into a blended situation with the OW and her child. It works for us. Any relationship you get into will not look the same as it did pre kids and you need to reassess what you want. Its hard- I wanted the family life but as time has passed I have to come to enjoy the autonomy and freedom, though it does help that DP is very handy and helpful on the DIY and tech support front and has been amazing to call on when needed! Don't despair but try not to think of it in terms of replacing your ex with a different face.

You have all the time in the world when they are older. You're very much romanticising the notion of having a 'family' - you are a family as you are.

Do you really think inviting some random third party into your home is what your child wants or needs?

It just makes me feel like what’s the point and undeserving. I never intended to become a single mother, but society makes it feel like we are the rubbish on the street side with no value or use.

His iscjust ridiculous. Rubbish on the street? What's the point in what? Nutiring and raising your child in a stable environment?

This is the absolute ideal scenario. Sensible and everyone is happy.

I don't think comments that warn against dating a single mum, or dating as a single mum are intended to reflect that single mums are rubbish. Just that the situation can be tricky.

My son is in his 20's and if he asked my opinion, I'd try to steer him away from dating a single mum because of the restrictions it can bring, at a time in his life when he can enjoy freedom.

It wouldn't be a personal reflection on the woman, just on the situation.

I stayed single for 4 years after divorce, then met my current partner when my son was 13, which felt like the right time.

Look, the internet just amplifies extreme opinions. So yes you’ll read a few random strangers here and there barking up weird opinions about single mums. They don’t represent the whole society.

Most relationships don’t last for life. Meaning a large % of women who have children will at one point or another be single mums.

You see so many people having 2nd LTRs or marriages if you like, having stepchildren etc etc. If that’s what you want, why should you be different from everyone else and be the one that is not values and nobody would ever date?

You have a choice. You can either carry a loud minority’s stupid opinions with you and have a chip on your shoulder, enter every interaction with suspicion.

Or just be yourself, not care about what some random strangers think and live the life you want. Evidence clearly shows that very many people do couple up again and have more kids if that’s what they wish.

For the statistician amongst us, note that I’ve used ‘many’, not ‘the majority’.

@PheasantPluckers I feel you’re missing my point. Of course we are a family. However I am human I love being a parent and I’m allowed to desire to have more children in a bigger family unit. The scenario @RhaenysRocks suggested is with the assumption you are done having more children. And again is this not the underserving notion? I have expressed I would like to continue my family and from what I understand you’re saying I should just focus on being a mum. Which is what I’m doing, but like anyone else I do have things I would like to do if right.

It might not be palatable (ans obviously there are many reasons for this), but I believe the work should be done before the first child and what happens if the relationship breaks down. We should educate our young people (while we might still have their ear) on all the things you feel judged on., the reality of being the DC, DSC, single parent, SP, etc. It's a bit late once the horse has bolted.

I married young, 23, and feel it was more through luck that 30 years later we're still together. Life seems so complicated if you don't get it right before your first DC is born.

I was single for a year after DS' dad abandoned us then found DP on match. Within a year we'd bought a flat together, within 2.5 years we'd had a baby, we're 4 years 4 months in now and looking at upgrading to a house, marriage and generally going from strength to strength. DP is an amazing dad to our DD and step dad to my DS and the most incredible, loving partner. There are good eggs out there!! Don't give up hope

Personally I decided not to date and think lots of women rush into a relationship when they already have children because they are unhappy alone and struggle with their own company.

Dating has a time, financial and emotional cost that I preferred to keep for DD. I focused on the two of us, doing nice things and going away, learning to drive and running a car, retraining and doing an OU degree to improve my prospects.

I used to work in a Secondary school, lots of the children who had experienced SA was done via a step father / boyfriend and although that is certainly not all men it wasnt a risk I was willing to take.

Talking to students whose parents had both remarried, they found NRP / Dads situation easier to deal with as they never saw it as their house and they were just visiting and I see this with DD, she enjoys visiting her dad's house and seeing her toddler sister. However, because mums house was normally their main base they found it far more difficult when a partner moved in, even if they really, really liked him. It changes the dynamic particularly if it had previously been an all female house, simple things like tampons being hidden away in the bathroom instead of on a shelf or walking from the shower to the bedroom.

Personally I think we owe it to the children we have already brought into the world to provide them with a safe and stable homelife until they are of an age when they can choose to leave if the situation no longer works for them. If that means forgoing other children so be it that is a sacrifice that needs to be made.

Once DD hit about 14 she encouraged me to start dating and would be happy for me to do so, providing we were together but lived apart for the few remaining years and that seems perfectly reasonable to me.

I had DD relatively young though, and by the time she's 20 Ill only be 43 so plenty of time for relationships if I want one.

Oh OP the problem with posting on mumsnet is most ppl can't deal with nuance. So you get ppl wailing that you must stay single and about all the evils of step parenting. Reality isn't like the internet, there are shades of grey.

My parents divorced young and did a horrible job with their new relationships and I remain damaged due to my step mother forcing us out and my mums partners coming and going.

So I when became a single parent though DH dying when kids tiny I set the bar really bloody high. I only accepted a partner who understood the kids came first every single time and who made an enormous effort with them. I do believe I learned from parents mistakes.

We're a very happy blended family and even my late husband's parents love him.

You can have a relationship but you have to set the bar so only the very best men can jump over

@AnarchismUK I 100% agree with what you’re saying. Unfortunately things like death, separation can lead someone to be a single parents. Sometimes it’s easier said than done to say get it right first before the children. I’ve seen husband and wife, life completely crumble after kids house and years of being together

You are a mum and you have a child. Put her first now. She doesn’t need an unrelated male in her home, possibly his kids or new siblings that he will love more than her because they are his children. IF you do, you’re doing it for yourself so just admit it.

I was brought up as an only child till my mum died when I was 14 and it was so lovely having her to myself and we were very close. She had a lovely boyfriend that did take on a fatherly role, however he never lived with us and that was absolutely never going to happen.

I don't think @PheasantPluckers is missing your point at all. I think the issue here is, you may want to have more children with a new partner, but that might not be the right thing for the child you have. Their needs have to come first, not your desire for more kids.

For me, I've tried and completely failed at the blended family step parent thing. It actually was really harmful to my daughter. I've made the decision to be single at least until my daughter is 18 now.
My sister has made it work and her partner is like a dad to her daughter and they've lived together years.
My ex was a professional with shared care of his older children, a house, a car, etc etc.. but he was still a crazy person. My sisters partner actually looked less good by MN standards on paper but he is great.

I don’t think anyone cares about the person relationships!

but the difficulty comes when some put their partner over the kids. This happens too in conventional relationships. Husband over kids…

children are affected by this outcome.

You're allowed to want whatever.

You just need to take it slow and make sure any future partner is the right guy and will be enduringly kind to your existing child.

It can be that the child from a previous relationship gets sidelined (or worse), when a "new" family is created. So it's about making sure your child's life will actually better for the introduction of a stepdad and potential half-siblings, not just your own, as the child ends up stuck with your decisions.

It's not about being undeserving, it's just hard to negotiate well.