I feel doomed - single mum deserve love?

[Fizzylemon6]

I am a single mother and I believe I deserve happiness and the opportunity for me and my child to have a fresh start give them more siblings and have a family .

I constantly see narratives like don’t date single mums. Step parents can’t love a child who isn’t theirs, like there own or children are more likely to be abused with a step parent around.

It just makes me feel like what’s the point and undeserving. I never intended to become a single mother, but society makes it feel like we are the rubbish on the street side with no value or use.

what’s peoples views and experience on being a a single mum or a step parent, creating a blended family. Or just the topic in general would like to hear lots of perspectives.

@KitsyWitsy so all the the people who have went on to find someone has put their child last?

it’s an idea I haven’t done anything extreme or wrong. I don’t understand why exploring more happiness is bad. I didn’t say I was looking to explore complications

To add why do people explore and start relationships as the norm. If this is something that is not a desire by most humans ?

It's sad if that is how you think you are perceived. There are many reasons for being a single mam.
Some truly wonderful people are single mothers and it's a damn hard job.

I think single parents are often closer to their children when they grow up, particularly when the other parent hasn't played their part. The bond is stronger from the adversities faced. Some may disagree with that.

If the OP goes onto the dating scene with that negative mindset of how she thinks she is perceived, she may "settle" for a man that if she wasn't a single mother, she wouldn't have entertained.

I also think it is important to be honest with ourselves.

The ideal home to raise a child in is one with both parents in a loving relationship, supportive extended family living nearby, adults who are emotionally available, not too permissive and not too strict, a calm village setting with lots of green spaces, a great neighbourhood community, enough money, a local school in walking distance, no crime, etc etc.

This ideal upbringing is, obviously, only theoretical and no such perfect childhood has ever existed - but some do get closer than others.

A child raised by a single parent is, statistically, at a disadvantage (as are kids without extended family or any other deviation from this 'ideal'). This is not a "single mum problem" but more often an "absent father issue" and rather just a general reality of modern life.

In any case, it doesn't mean your child is doomed. It just means that perhaps more effort/thought needs to be given when introducing anyone new and to building a network of trusted adults around your child.

If we are aware of the not-quite-ideal areas of our own lives, whatever they may be, then we can often successfully offset them. If we pretend there are no drawbacks or potential pitfalls at all, then we're being willfully blind and not helping our situation.

You are planning on finding someone to have more children with, right? So yes, you’re putting yourself first. Nobody thinks you have to be completely single.

Having more children and a live in relationship is for your benefit, not your daughter’s.

I split up from my kid’s dad when my youngest was 10 and I was still young myself. I could have had more kids to some rando but chose to put my children first.

How old are you?

I don’t know of anyone who has this view.

Dating is more difficult because you have less time and not everyone is going to want a partner with kids, but for most people it’s a non issue.

As a single mother myself, I too am fussy about men with kids.
I wouldn’t want someone with lots of kids, multiple kids with different mums or with kids that are too young, as I am past that stage.

I don’t think they’re undeserving of love but they’re just not what I’m looking for.

That's what I wanted to say on my post too but thought if a fella said it I'd sound like I was being a prick. But I think you are absolutely right.

Well no, validation from a man and more kids seems to be a priority sometimes.

I haven't seen the thread, but I can only imagine from similar threads that there will be a lot of calls for leaving him and having one less child to look after, thu making the OP a single mum.

As for dating single parents in general. I am 45 and dating and a lot of men in my age range 40-50 have young children. They are filtered out immediately. Even if they just have the children part time. I’m just not interested in dealing with someone else’s kids. Adult children is fine. My current boyfriend’s son is 24 and my own children are all adults too.

@PheasantPluckers Those are natural feelings and desires though. To be validated by the opposite sex and put more humans on the planet. Or am I wrong? She can't switch those feelings off like a light switch IMO. What she can do is prioritise her existing DC, which it seems she is doing.

The OP shouldn't feel bad about wanting the above. She needs to be kind to herself. I hope she can stay positive, find someone worthwhile and move forward.

It's important she doesn't lower the bar. What I've seen other single mothers do is settle for fellas that they wouldn't have went near in a million years if they weren't single mothers

In what way is she prioritising her child?

@PheasantPluckers just read your post about you having dating troubles. Your behaviour now makes sense… I hope you finally find a man who remembers to respond.

All the best😊

@KitsyWitsy I am not with anyone, I work very heard to give my child a comfortable home. My little one is provided with everything they need including love.

I would just like to find love eventually. Doesn’t need to be now or in a year I’m happy when it comes. Nothing is wrong with what I’m asking

Eh? I don't have dating troubles, not that that has anything to do with this!

I certainly don't want to be bringing someone into my home and bringing more children into anything.

Hope you enjoy being a bell end!

All the best 😊

That’s a rather catty and unkind comment to a fellow single mum. You can’t really complain you’re being made to feel like you’re being made to feel like rubbish on the street and then say “I hope you finally find a man who remembers to respond” to another single mum, I mean WTF.

It is a big ask, so I can understand why people don’t want the complication of dating anyone with a child. I’m a woman and whilst most children live with the Mums it’s still a complication. You haven’t said the age of yourself or your child. I think dating when much older so the complication of access is over is probably much easier.

I turned down dates with two men when I was young after finding out they had children. I personally knew I would never want the hassle of parenting someone else’s child because that’s what you’re asking. Plus that partner has a mouth to feed already so economically it’s not great.

And it's completely inaccurate, anyway.

She just doesn't like anyone disagreeing with her and people who don't feel like 'rubbish at the street side'. Apparently, we're all supposed to feel like this.

I found as a single working mum of preschool children I wasn’t in a position to form serious relationships, or an attractive proposition for one (except to people with sole custody of their own DC).
Regular boyfriend when they were junior school age, all worked well.
Remarriage and blended family (different man) in the secondary school years - disaster.

I wouldn’t, and don’t, expect to walk into another relationship but it’s certainly a whole lot easier now they are adults. Nobody is entitled to get a partner, it’s luck, effort and circumstances.

My kids are my absolute priority and I can't think of anything worse than moving in a man (and his kids) into our peaceful home.
Yes I miss companionship but there seems to be no men out there worth the bother quite honestly.
Blended families seems like a recipe for angst and agro to me.
If I did meet anyone it would be separate homes and separate finances all the way.

@PheasantPluckers you said “Well no, validation from a man and more kids seems to be a priority sometimes” which was clearly directed at me. I too saw your post about you dating and you worrying about the man responding. Which isn’t the response basically validation for yourself?

I don’t believe everyone single mum should feel shit, but I don’t agree with your aggressive approach that I later matched on this thread

we are not as different as you believe we are both wanting to date, which is looking for love. There is nothing wrong with wanting to find the one and of course that won’t be at the expense of my child or yours

Could you love someone else’s child as much as you love your own? Easy to say until it happens. If not, why would you expect someone else to love your child as much as their own.

Are you looking for a man who already has children?

Your daughter doesn’t “deserve siblings”. That’s not a thing. No one deserves any children or siblings.

Date if you want to but be realistic about how complicated it can be. You’re being a bit naive and seem to think life is fair, it’s not.

If you live with them and have more children then it absolutely is at the expense of your child. But continue to ignore that irritating fact.

I'm a single mother and have been in a new relationship for a few years. But...we live separately (long distance) and see each other when DC is with my ex.

My exH left when I was 49, our dc were 13 and 15. I met my new partner 18 months later. We’ve taken it very slowly, he lives 250 miles away from me so 3.5 years on , we still don’t cohabit but slowly everyone has blended. I made sure to maintain a good relationship with my exH and I like his partner. Life moves on, don’t listen to any nonsense reasons, just seek a good man.

My approach isn't aggressive at all, you just don't want to hear that blended families rarely serve the original children.

And stalking someone's posting history just to get some flimsy ammo is just ridiculous and childish. It's also not going to damage my self esteem since I'm not the one here who's bothered about what everyone thinks about them and their choices, so sorry about that!