I feel doomed - single mum deserve love?

[Fizzylemon6]

I am a single mother and I believe I deserve happiness and the opportunity for me and my child to have a fresh start give them more siblings and have a family .

I constantly see narratives like don’t date single mums. Step parents can’t love a child who isn’t theirs, like there own or children are more likely to be abused with a step parent around.

It just makes me feel like what’s the point and undeserving. I never intended to become a single mother, but society makes it feel like we are the rubbish on the street side with no value or use.

what’s peoples views and experience on being a a single mum or a step parent, creating a blended family. Or just the topic in general would like to hear lots of perspectives.

My own experiences as a child were mixed. My mum had one new DP who was very close to us DC, loved us and was like a dad to us. We were affected badly when he and my mum broke up. Then my mum's next bloke, my stepdad, was abusive and split our family up.

My dad's new partner had one DC we got on very well with, so we were like a family together. They lived separately but close by, so we were round each other's houses all the time at weekends when we were with my dad. They split up when I was in my 20s, but we're still quite close. I'm taking my DC to stay with her after Christmas.

@KitsyWitsy What if it makes the OP happier, a more energised and better version of herself. Therefore a better parent.

What if her existing DC adores their new sibling?

What if there is a financial improvement to the household with the income added of the new fella, no longer having to manage on one wage?

What if the new fella is a gentleman and the OP and her DC benefit from his kind nature and wisdom?

I acknowledge the above will be difficult to find if that's what the OP wants, but not impossible.

That’s actually hilarious. 🤣

I started writing a response but I realised the futility and gave up. Good day!

*just read your post about you having dating troubles. Your behaviour now makes sense… I hope you finally find a man who remembers to respond.

All the best*😊

It's thinking like this that is making you unhappy. It's having a mind that creates these thoughts and then gives permission for you to post them.

That's why you feel like rubbish on the street and that's why you are treated the way you are treated. It's nothing to do with your status as a single parent.

@User820825 Treated like what? No one is bad to me.

I see I lot of negative media towards single mums so it makes me have questions hence my post.

qns for the person I wrote that message to they was sending shady digs well before I discovered we was in the same boat of dating

@KitsyWitsy

You can laugh as much as you want but it's the reality for some people.
There seems to be a reluctance from you to accept from you that a man can add value to a single mother and her family.
I know some men are counterproductive and have a negative impact on a family unit. This isn't always the case.

@KitsyWitsy im not sure why you and one other user have such a negative view. Just like your point was Valid about potential dangers surely having an editions good person that your child is happy with can also be a good thing?

surely this isn’t a black or white topic

"Shady digs"? And I am absolutely NOT in the same boat as you regarding dating!

It's clear you're very immature and there's absolutely no point in engaging any further.

I'd echo a point made earlier in the thread that the internet amplifies extreme opinions, and it's no different for this topic too. You will get people posting frequently and stridently that they would never date single mothers, that single mothers who look at a man before their child is 18 are failing them, that nobody can come to love a child that isn't theirs, and so on. None of this is true

@YRGAM Completely agree, unfortunately, I did see a post online which sparked this debate in my mind.

of course social media is not always true but sometimes you see things and it makes you think

I completely understand this. I was a single parent of 3 and was petrified that I would meet a weirdo as I no longer trusted my own judgement with picking a partner (their father wasn't a weirdo but obviously I had not chosen well) also having 3 children put lots of people off from the very beginning.😳result I spent their entire childhood alone, and to be honest unhappy.. I am still alone now, but I am happy with that and have accepted that this is my life. We are all different and you should not feel worthless in any way.

@Fizzylemon6 forget social media, the media, negative judging people.
All you can do is keep doing your best, socialise when you get the opportunity away from your time as a mam. Hopefully you are lucky enough to meet someone that enhances your families life. Don't for a second feel bad about wanting that because it's normal and natural. And don't settle for anyone, keep the bar high. I've said enough on this thread, good luck!

There is nothing wrong with wanting to find the one and of course that won’t be at the expense of my child

Absolutely nothing wrong with it but you must realise that finding the one may naturally be at the expense of your child.

im not sure why you and one other user have such a negative view. Just like your point was Valid about potential dangers surely having an editions good person that your child is happy with can also be a good thing?

I haven't got a negative view. I told you that there was no need for you to feel like rubbish on the street, because this is what you said that society made you feel like. And I said that you dating and starting a new relationship is separate from you as a mother.

If there is a new baby then one income would either go for childcare and other expenses or the mother will reduce her hours. Very few familes are financially comfortable with small kids.
I haven't heard about anyone being energised by a new baby. Usually while very rewarding it causes more stress and tiredness.
I do think in some cases creating a new family is great for existing children. This is usually when a step dad loves them as their own and when there is enough money to go round. I would say in most cases it's not in best interest of the children but adults who are blinded by their own goals.

Gosh, what a depressing thread

Yes, society (I.e many men and a few women) do treat us like that but you know, there will be no change without struggle
For a change in society, fighting for yourself and your child is a must. You can be confident that the narrative of women blaming is not true. Fathers should be held accountable for 50% at least and sadly they are not. If men hold most of the control on society and its mostly women who.are victims of rape, sexual harassment, domestic violence etc. Then it doesn't make sense that single moms are totally to blame. It's just another aspect of womens.right that needs to be worked on. Keep your head held high and focus on the people and men who don't verbally abuse you. You are far from alone in this, there are a lot of single mums out there. You got this. Don't let yourself be triggered my men who don't know what they're talking about really, lol

One woman can't change one man but if the actions of few women can change even one man, then we're getting somewhere!!

You will meet someone if that is what you truly want. The universe has this way of bringing people into your life when you’re least expecting it. Trust in the process. How old is your little one?

Sorry, that's utter drivel

That’s fine, you are entitled to your own opinion. All the best.

Its actually sickening to hear that someone would say that. I have a step dad, he means the world to me. He treats me like his own daughter.

I have step kids and I love them dearly, it's a different love to my kids because I choose to love them.
The only issues we have had are jealousy from their mother and the issues of her relationship with my partner being forced on her kids.
I have two kids they love my partner and they loved their dad's girlfriends. It all comes down to the biological parent

Choose a partner you can trust
Be kind to the other parents partners and don't allow jealousy to become an issue
Support step parents
Don't introduce your kids to random dates. Take time and wait until you know then we'll enough

Stereo types based on fairytales like cinder are rubbish. Some people are good some are bad, both parents and steps parents can be good or bad
Seriously sounds like your own fear and your using your kids as an excuse not to be happy

I'm a solo parent (not by choice) and we do deserve love and I know many who have successfully re-partnered and blended families. Ideally I would like my DC to have a step father and a sibling. While I don't like being alone, I'm a nice person and attractive etc, and don't necessarily feel it's fair, I'll be at peace if that's what is meant to be rather than have a relationship that's not right for me/us.

I won't use dating apps (tried them) and meeting (or even having the opportunity to meet) someone in person, the old fashioned way, seems increasingly small. Either way, I'll just keep trying to be the best parent I can and be happy with what we have, without thinking of the future and what could or might not happen.

I don't feel 'society' doesn't value me or rubbished, I do feel most people couldn't care less, the same as they feel about other people or their situation in general.

I can say that sadly from experience I know that single mums can struggle with this. I met a guy who I thought was amazing. Over time though it was clear that he couldn't keep up the pretense of wanting to be around my kids. His family treated my kids like they were an inconvenience and so did he in the end.
In the end I left.
On the other hand my mum married a guy who treated me like his own daughter so it can happen that way.

I would say separate the two things.
If you want a man in your life look for something low key and see if he turns out to be a good guy then great but don't go all in straightaway. Stay cautious.
Keep your child separate and safe and only introduce them to a guy you've met once you are certain that he is a keeper and likely to be a very long term partner.

@Fizzylemon6 it can work out. My friend is a single parent, and her partner dotes on the child. He has even given up the idea of a child of his own because my friend doesn't want any more children. They have a lovely unit and all our friends are in awe. Hes like a gold standard partner!

With me, i dated someone for 2 years who i thought was amazing. However he wanted more from me and I got the impression he resented my small children. We split up and it really hurt me. My kids have a dad who loves them (and he has a partner). I just wish I could have the same but at my age, I dont think its possible