I feel doomed - single mum deserve love?

[Fizzylemon6]

I am a single mother and I believe I deserve happiness and the opportunity for me and my child to have a fresh start give them more siblings and have a family .

I constantly see narratives like don’t date single mums. Step parents can’t love a child who isn’t theirs, like there own or children are more likely to be abused with a step parent around.

It just makes me feel like what’s the point and undeserving. I never intended to become a single mother, but society makes it feel like we are the rubbish on the street side with no value or use.

what’s peoples views and experience on being a a single mum or a step parent, creating a blended family. Or just the topic in general would like to hear lots of perspectives.

Just on a practical basis, 1 in 3 families in the UK are blended families, so whatever people write on Mumsnet, most people in real life are just getting on with their lives: falling in love, having children, buying crushed velvet curtains, eating McDonalds, and all manner of things verboten on here.

Live your life. Lady Catherine will never know!

Of course single mums have value, that's certain.

Having said that though, I have always known that I didn't want to date a man who already had kids, especially not a single dad that had the kids full time.

I want my partner to prioritise me, which wouldn't work if they have a kid. I want my child to be a first for both me and my partner. I want to be able to travel etc. I want finances to be clearer and easier to sort out. Loads of reasons, but it all boils down to the fact that I only considered dating men who didn't have kids and had never been married before.

I think that's a fair enough preference tbh, but obviously not everyone things the way I do. There will be people happy to date a single mum, OP, it's just the available pool to choose from will be a bit smaller than otherwise.

Of course you deserve happiness but I think using phrases like “a fresh start” and “have a family” are really damaging and unhelpful, you already are a family and presumably your child has a dad in some capacity?

The greatest danger in the home to a child is an unrelated male so it can be concerning to see people prioritise moving a new man in and is rarely in the best interests of the children. It’s also really sad that some people feel the need to have more kids to create a “proper family” and I really think the existing kids must often end up feeling quite pushed out. The problem is all of the above is prioritising the adults’ wants and feelings and not those of the child and that will be why some people will give single mums (and dads) a hard time for it.

Nobody worth their salt thinks single mums are rubbish or useless, but I do think there’s a need to prioritise the existing children. I think really in most cases it’s best if mum (or dad) just sticks to having a live out partner until the kids are able to leave home.

No-one's denying it happens, just look at the lovely examples of blended families on the step-parenting board!

What they're saying is that these blended families are most often not in the children's best interests - they're all about parents' desires. The kids have no bloody say in what happens to them!

I shall not debate the merits or otherwise of dating as a single parent, but I will say this: I have been a single parent since I was in my early 30s. I am now 50 and still single through choice. I do not now nor ever have felt like "rubbish on the street" and if such bollocks is ever bandied about it's by other single parents with a problem with being single. I am very happy and do not feel judged by society. I do not measure my worth by romantic relationships. You want one, fine, but don't refer to 'us' as "rubbish on the street", you are doing that to yourself, not society.

I completely agree with this as well, I only considered men without kids and went on to marry one and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

I recognise I’d probably feel jealous about not having “firsts” or having to accommodate other people’s kids instead of just focusing on my own and therefore felt it was much fairer to everyone if I waited to find a man who didn’t have existing kids to consider. I think problems arise when women (understandably if you ask me) have these same feelings but go ahead and have kids with men with existing kids anyway and then find it difficult to manage and end up resenting them. That’s not fair on anyone and seems extremely common.

Just to clarify I’m not saying single mums are rubbish I’m just saying thats how society makes it feel like. As a single mum it’s like you can’t win you work you damage your child as your not present enough, you don’t work and your sponging off the system. You find a relationship and you’re not putting your kid first. You don’t find a relationship and you’re not doing anything for yourself. Even to basic maintenance someone always has something to say

When I was in the right place to date again it was never an issue for anyone I dated. Only two of them (one being DP now) made it to the point of meeting DD1 though. You'll know when it's the right time and anyone who is worth the time won't care that you already have a child. I now have another DD and while DP will never be my elder daughter's Dad, they have a good relationship and he treats the girls the same x

Plenty of people have what you desire so don’t give up on that wish.

Just be prepared to accept that life isn’t always a fairytale and that every situation can bring challenges.

Aim for what you want though!

That's being a woman in general tbh 😂 We're always doing it wrong somehow.

It's possible to have a relationship and still have your kid's best interests at the forefront.

You just have to be very cautious, which is actually quite difficult as new relationship energy can be intoxicating.

@violetcuriosity this is great and glad you found the one. Maybe it’s not as sinister and selfish and some people make out 😊

The reality is it is always going to be more complicated. Of course plenty navigate it, they just aren't going to be on threads asking for support or advice.

I was in the situation 8 years ago sadly later my husband died, we hadn't divorced but were separated. Anyway I shared that because too show it was complex.

I met someone unplanned three years later. His children were adults. We have pretty much kept the relationship away from the children.

It works for us, I wanted my children to not have anyone live with them no matter how much I trusted someone. It suits us they all get on very well.

But after a long stent in child protection the stats the reality is children with well meaning adults will be impacted. I know my sons would be happy to have my partner here. But I also know they appreciate and recognise me ensuring they have their home to ourselves. They are intuitive emotionally intelligent young men.

If I managed to find someone, unintentionally to fit my perhaps unusual boundaries, I am sure you will find someone who will fit your more conventual ones! Yes there is a lot of Muppets but there are also amazing men, I am raising them.

Wishing you happiness, you have your eyes open. Take your time. Remember how absolutely amazing and unique you are and you deserve no less.

My honest view is that your top priority should be your child, and what is in their best interests. Not what you want or 'deserve'. As PPs have said, while you may want a partner and more children, that is likely to not be the best thing for you child.

Once someone becomes a parent, they should put their child first. Unfortunately, that often means the parent making sacrifices.

Sadly, there are a LOT of very selfish parents out there (mostly dads), but that doesn't mean you have to be one.

@category12 im happy to just be partners with the person I find. After a year I can start considering them meeting little one. But defo will be him spending time with my family members even on a one or one basis they can also feed back opinions

Absolutely, but that isn't everyone, let alone the majority. We all see young women with planned DC, not married, not financially stable, don't have careers, etc. who statistically are going to be single parents before they reach 30.

If it makes you feel better, lots of people do not feel this way AT ALL about single mums. I think you're all absolute heroes.

For (nearly) every single mum out there, there's a waste of oxygen with a penis who abandoned his children. They're the ones who deserve condemnation.

It happens, loads of people do it.
but the reality is that it’s often not great for an older sibling who’s mum marries again and has children with her new partner.

not always, but often.

do you have time without your child when they’re with their dad?

if so use that time to date in a way that doesn’t impact on them.

I don't feel any of this, this is all you!

I'm very happy with my decisions: I have dated but don't bring anyone into our home (yes, this is my daughter's home as much as it is mine), I work hard, but am also cruising a little in my career while she's young. I don't feel like I'm rubbish. I feel like I'm a confident, woman who is setting a good example to my daughter of how to be an independent adult.

I'm not bashing anyone else's choices, but I'm more than happy and confident with my own.

I think you probably need other ways to find value in your life, oher than parenting, and lifet yourself esteem.

I'm very similar to you OP. I'd like the chance of a sibling for my child, and my ex has turned out to be useless since we split and only sees our child a couple of times a week for a few hours, which is planned to reduce when she starts school (he can't finish work early enough to see her on a school night etc). I don't want to deprive her or me of the opportunity to create a new unit. DP and I have been together a year now. He has no DC, would gladly have one if it works out but he's content with just DD and I if not. No complicated ex or history on his side. I feel lucky to have met someone with so little baggage. I wasn't anti meeting someone who had children, but it's opened my eyes as to how much more straightforward life is if only one of you has them.

Just look around MN, there are so many threads of a textbook nuclear family, two parents two kids, and the relationship the parents are modelling is horrific.

There is a thread today of a woman worried how she is going to cope for two weeks over Xmas because her DH is so useless he only fed the kids spaghetti hoops and chocolate the other day, and the older one pooed his pants. She keeps saying there is no point utilising her DH as he is so rubbish. This is an awful relationship to be modelling, those children will grow up seeking out that type of relationship when they are adults. That is another case of the children not being put first. But that woman won't get the same level of pushback you will, because you're a single mum now.

@PheasantPluckers this is not all me…especially with the increase of far right views these ideas are being spread all across the digital landscape. I’m glad you’re happy, but again our desires are not the same. The difference in what I am looking for is that with the right person I would like to extend my family.

“woman who is setting a good example to my daughter of how to be an independent adult” is this not what most of us are striving for ?

OP I wonder if you don’t have step or half sibling?

I grew up with parents who had other children with other people. Second attempt at a family rarely ever works without being extremely damaging for the existing children.

I will never put children in that situation. I think dating/having a boyfriend is okay, but I wish more people would put the existing children first before blending families or having more children.

Do not even get me started on the number of stepmothers on MN who hate their step kids, have more children with the dad, and then can’t cope when the existing children continue to exist and have needs!

The only time I felt stigma about being a single mum was when I was still adjusting and wasn't entirely comfortable with my position. It was a self esteem issue not a single parent one.

I've been single for 15 years and can't ever actually imagine sharing my space with a man. I have no issue with dating and companionship but I think I'd always want to be together but live apart

Being a single parent does not define me. I view parenting as a 18 year long experience and try to get the most out of every moment and I love it.

Initially I was worried DD would miss out and I overcompensated with groups and activities, but do you know what. Being raised by a single parent has benefited her, she's autistic so one parent and one set of rules is great, she and I get on brilliantly, never argue and I have developed in her a love of theatre which we enjoy together regularly, she's on track for all 9s at GCSE, Head Girl at school, often captains her rugby team. She has high aspirations on what she is going to do as her next steps. And the best thing is knowing the foundations I laid down did that. The attention and experiences I could give her because I wasn't spending money and time dating or having other children spreading my attention or bickering between adults or siblings and providing a loving and calm environment where there is never a raised voice means that she is going to absolutely fly if she wants to.

And in the meantime time I've also set myself up for when she has independence investing in my own career and hobbies.

Ive never found that to be the case tbh.

You have a family, enjoy it. A man rarely adds much to the dynamic tbh
And very often takes away plenty. Attention, money, time etc

I think it’s clear that what you want will always take precedence and that’s a real shame for your daughter.