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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH came home in clean clothes

109 replies

Nigglenaggle · 20/12/2024 21:07

Married to DH for 15 years and we have 4 children together. Obviously with that and work there's not loads of time for us. I see that as a natural part of having a big family, which was his idea.
Last year he lied to me about where he was one night. I just know he lied. The week after a text message on his phone accidentally came through over the car while I was driving and he was worried although the content wasn't suspicious.
I snooped on his emails/texts (I know, I'm a bad person) and there was nothing. I decided I might be going mad. I did notice though, that his shopping trips took routinely half an hour to an hour less after that. A member of staff had left his work at this time. Nothing since.
We both have messy jobs. No suits required. We also sometimes need to stay late at no notice and it can't be avoided. Tonight he came in with half the expected shopping after work and in his nice pub clothes. He said he didn't realise that he had them in the car.
On several occasions in the past he has said he doesn't understand why people admit to things if they can avoid it. If I ask him directly and he is having an affair and he is, I know he will lie. So what would you do? He knows that disloyalty is an absolute no for me.
If you think my evidence is flimsy and I'm going mad, fine to say so!

OP posts:
Strellarist · 20/12/2024 21:09

I say always trust your instincts.

Nigglenaggle · 20/12/2024 21:12

So leave him? Fairly big stakes if I'm wrong...

OP posts:
Strellarist · 20/12/2024 21:15

I’d dig a bit more but I wouldn’t ignore your suspicions.

FlowerBee62 · 20/12/2024 21:23

Go with your gut feeling ,but try and find some evidence before accusing him just now.

Scarydinosaurs · 20/12/2024 21:25

Even if he did lie, do you think you would be able to tell?

It sounds to me like you know something isn’t right.

jenny38 · 20/12/2024 21:25

Yeah I would also dig. Look in his car, his phone etc

404ErrorCode · 20/12/2024 21:25

15 years married…you know when something’s off.

I wouldn’t head straight for a divorce here, but I would quietly stay vigilant and on the look out for more clues.

Moresunlessrain · 20/12/2024 21:25

I don't quite understand. He has a messy job and got changed before going shopping on the way home? Is that what you are saying? Is that what he is saying? Am I missing something?!

Nigglenaggle · 20/12/2024 21:29

Yes. He'd normally come home in work clothes (think welder). He got changed, which he wouldn't normally do, and went to the shop. But 'they didn't have much in' so only one shopping bag

OP posts:
Nigglenaggle · 20/12/2024 21:30

When I say messy jobs, I mean we don't wear neat office clothes

OP posts:
FedUp1000 · 20/12/2024 21:30

I agree that if you ask him and he is having an affair then he’ll lie.
I spotted little signs that just didn’t add up. One too many things made me feel like something was going on. I looked for proof (not in his phone) and it didn’t take me long to find it. I would say try looking a bit harder as he is probably trying to conceal it.
Do you have access to all bank statements or emails for confirmation of bookings or purchases (look in deleted items too).

Ilovelurchers · 20/12/2024 21:31

I do think your evidence is flimsy, as it is written down here. I am saying that to be brutally honest.

However, you have been married quite a while, so I also think you are likely to have fairly accurate instincts about him.....

Are you a jealous person naturally? Have you suspected him before?

And I would check everything you can get hold of, in all honesty. It isn't great to go through a partner's phone, it really isn't. But if it's that or leave him, because you are so convinced......

TooMuchRedMaybe · 20/12/2024 21:32

I think if he was cheating and wanted to cover up his tracks he wouldn't have gotten changed. That would just highlight that he acted unusual. Maybe he had taken some time off to go christmas shopping or he had an appointment he didn't want to share with you for some reason.

FabulouslyFab · 20/12/2024 21:35

Had he tidied up to go Christmas shopping for a gift for you?

Moresunlessrain · 20/12/2024 21:40

The shops would have been heaving today (and quite possibly did have a lot out of stock). I think if he was trying to create an alibi going to the shops would have not been it!

Nigglenaggle · 20/12/2024 21:43

Ilovelurchers · 20/12/2024 21:31

I do think your evidence is flimsy, as it is written down here. I am saying that to be brutally honest.

However, you have been married quite a while, so I also think you are likely to have fairly accurate instincts about him.....

Are you a jealous person naturally? Have you suspected him before?

And I would check everything you can get hold of, in all honesty. It isn't great to go through a partner's phone, it really isn't. But if it's that or leave him, because you are so convinced......

Thanks. I'd rather you said if you think I'm clutching at straws. I'm not naturally jealous and our relationship has thrived on trust this whole time. I'm aware that we don't have the day to day closeness that we used to because we're flippin exhausted. I am the breadwinner and between that and my share of the childcare there's no energy left to be the fun person I was before we had 4 kids. But I've always thought 'it's a phase'. I love spending time with our children and as they get past toddler age I've rekindled an interest in my career, which is needed so we can afford nice things, but I'm enjoying it. I feel we'll have time to do other things just for us as the kids get older. But I don't know if I've taken him with me on that journey.

OP posts:
Jellycats4life · 20/12/2024 21:45

So what explanation did he have for getting changed into smart clothes that he - apparently - didn’t even know were in his car?

Nigglenaggle · 20/12/2024 21:46

Jellycats4life · 20/12/2024 21:45

So what explanation did he have for getting changed into smart clothes that he - apparently - didn’t even know were in his car?

None. Just oh they were there

OP posts:
LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 20/12/2024 21:48

Unpopular opinion(?)
After 15 yr you know when something is up.
you already are 80% sure but you just want hard evidence… which is fair enough you have 4 kids.

I’d go into super snoop mode.

  • airtag on the car would be starters for 10
  • phone snooping would continue. Maybe read up on it and I’d potentially do that thing where you can put his WhatsApp on your laptop so you see the messages as they come in
  • generally I’d be keeping an eye out. Bank statements/ receipts / gym bag etc
Fireworknight · 20/12/2024 21:51

Snoop, snoop, snoop

You know something is off, you just have to find out what. If he always comes home in work clothes, even when shopping, then wearing clean clothes is bound to trigger your spidery senses, especially in the light if those other odd occurrences. Ie, joining the dots.

Can you access his phone? Looking back, has he always been where he said he was? ‘Working late’? Etc

one work colleague had no suspicions about her partner. It was only when visiting his grandad, who happened to ask how his trip to x was, and she was told he’d gone to y, which made her realise he was cheating.

regreg · 20/12/2024 21:53

My exH had a receipt in his wallet from a dinner that he paid for. I checked the date and cross referred our WhatsApp messages. Confronted him about it without telling him I'd seen the receipt and he confessed all.

Hence why he's exH.

Jellycats4life · 20/12/2024 21:54

Nigglenaggle · 20/12/2024 21:46

None. Just oh they were there

Well that is fishy. Both pretending that he didn’t know he had a change of clothes, plus changing clothes for no real reason.

SweetDreamsTonight · 20/12/2024 21:56

This is going to sound really bad but you could "lose" his phone for a couple of days.. See if he gets any phone calls or messages.
Not advising it.. But yeah 😂

GluggleJuggle · 20/12/2024 21:56

Nigglenaggle · 20/12/2024 21:43

Thanks. I'd rather you said if you think I'm clutching at straws. I'm not naturally jealous and our relationship has thrived on trust this whole time. I'm aware that we don't have the day to day closeness that we used to because we're flippin exhausted. I am the breadwinner and between that and my share of the childcare there's no energy left to be the fun person I was before we had 4 kids. But I've always thought 'it's a phase'. I love spending time with our children and as they get past toddler age I've rekindled an interest in my career, which is needed so we can afford nice things, but I'm enjoying it. I feel we'll have time to do other things just for us as the kids get older. But I don't know if I've taken him with me on that journey.

How are you the breadwinner if he is working as a welder?
Surely you are both breadwinners?

Nigglenaggle · 20/12/2024 21:57

Ah guys. I don't wanna be right on this y'know? I just want him not to be a cheating cock. And sometimes I think it is flimsy evidence and I could ignore it. But then I think about finding out much later and how mad I'd be...

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