DH came home in clean clothes

[Nigglenaggle]

Married to DH for 15 years and we have 4 children together. Obviously with that and work there's not loads of time for us. I see that as a natural part of having a big family, which was his idea.
Last year he lied to me about where he was one night. I just know he lied. The week after a text message on his phone accidentally came through over the car while I was driving and he was worried although the content wasn't suspicious.
I snooped on his emails/texts (I know, I'm a bad person) and there was nothing. I decided I might be going mad. I did notice though, that his shopping trips took routinely half an hour to an hour less after that. A member of staff had left his work at this time. Nothing since.
We both have messy jobs. No suits required. We also sometimes need to stay late at no notice and it can't be avoided. Tonight he came in with half the expected shopping after work and in his nice pub clothes. He said he didn't realise that he had them in the car.
On several occasions in the past he has said he doesn't understand why people admit to things if they can avoid it. If I ask him directly and he is having an affair and he is, I know he will lie. So what would you do? He knows that disloyalty is an absolute no for me.
If you think my evidence is flimsy and I'm going mad, fine to say so!

You don't trust him.
None of the rest of it really changes that.

Things I noticed about my DH - he became much more moody, disengaged, and very cagey with his phone. He also turned off his location settings and lied about it even though he was the one who wanted us to have the location settings in the first place.

I dunno. A sensible adulterer would have changed back into his welder clothes en route home, surely, if he’d been on a smart date after work. I don’t think you have enough to go on.

It does seem that you’re not spending enough time on your relationship though. You seem almost breezy about that.

I agree with others trust your instincts.

I personally wouldn't confront him because he'll lie and then cover his tracks. I'd dig further and look for evidence that you can then confront him with. Bank statements? Phone bills?

I had a niggle in my gut that something was off with my ex and I looked into it (more for reassurance that I was being paranoid) but then found messages to another woman. I'd also never been the jealous type and always respected his privacy and trusted him but I just had a feeling I couldn't put my finger on that I couldn't shake.

The changed clothes thing makes no sense at all if he's never done it before.

This. You have 4 children together and you are potentially investing time and money into "proving" his innocence or guilt. Neither of which now matters because you don't trust him.

In a relationship there has to be trust, only you know if he can be trusted.

Yep trust your instincts
my ex left his bank account open before work and I snooped and found he had had a haircut where he worked. I’m a hairdresser and always cut his hair. But he wanted to be all trimmed up for the OW. I didn’t notice his beard trim. But a couple of days before he was in a different area to where he should have been working. And he came home with clean clothes and smelt all fresh on a few occasions.

Airtagging s

Air tagging someone's car without their consent is part of the definition of abuse, and is illegal.

OP, I imagine your DP went Christmas shopping somewhere nice for your present, hence the change of clothes and limited other shopping.

It's normal when you work in a dirty job, yes.

Abuse.

I agree with the trust your gut and snoop suggestions. Your gut tells you he is lying but you don't have evidence yet of what he is lying about so you need to find out and take it from there. I would also add in a few subtle traps/tests along with the snooping to see how he responds.

I get what you're saying. But this is the family he wanted and I'm helping him raise them. That's why I am tired. I expect him to accept that. I'd also have gone along with no kids as a choice (not knowing at the time how lovely your own can be)

Well this is the thing isn't it. It could be me. Useful to hear your story thanks

Hoping he's not a coffee date with strangers kind of guy. I think it would be someone he knew

I would try and invest more time to your relationship if possible. The trouble with snooping is that if he is innocent it will be never ending and you'll drive yourself mad constantly looking for something that's not there. You either trust him or you don't.

She obviously earns more than him

You talk sense sticky.

Some people have hidden apps within their phone which contains all their cheating communications and photos etc. Some chat on Instagram or other apps and delete it all. Don’t rely on having a clean sweep of text messages.

I had a couple of friends who did this so I dropped them.

So ignore signs of cheating . Invest in your relationship and forgot about an affair if there is a chance or one . ?

What are you too tired for. ? Cuddles , watching a movie together , sex ?

As mentioned I think you have to decide if you want to stay.
Cheating isn’t tight but you can’t just say oh we have kids let’s forget we are married then we can pick I lt up again in 10 years.

Do you have sex. ?
Does he pull his weight with the kids ?
Only you know the state of your marriage

Detailed conversation and in depth arguments /philosophical discussions is what I'm too tired for! I'd love to just cuddle and watch a movie lol!

As long as you dont have difficulty with unfounded jealousy and paranoia, for what it's worth I do think you're right to be suspicious. He's your husband you've lived with him all this time and if there wasn't something going on you wouldn't be picking up all these little signs.

I agree this is worth checking. It could be that if there is OW, she may not be aware of his marital status and they would use WhatsApp to communicate, maybe check if there's a chat under a man's name or something, perhaps with disappearing messages. On the other hand if the potential OW is aware that he's married, as PP said, they'd likely be using something like Telegram or Kik to communicate. There are also ways to hide photos, like in an app that looks like a calculator.

Yes the one who started to pick his dad up an hour early every morning?

**
If he was hiding something wouldn't he put his work clothes straight back on after seeing his affair partner?