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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH came home in clean clothes

109 replies

Nigglenaggle · 20/12/2024 21:07

Married to DH for 15 years and we have 4 children together. Obviously with that and work there's not loads of time for us. I see that as a natural part of having a big family, which was his idea.
Last year he lied to me about where he was one night. I just know he lied. The week after a text message on his phone accidentally came through over the car while I was driving and he was worried although the content wasn't suspicious.
I snooped on his emails/texts (I know, I'm a bad person) and there was nothing. I decided I might be going mad. I did notice though, that his shopping trips took routinely half an hour to an hour less after that. A member of staff had left his work at this time. Nothing since.
We both have messy jobs. No suits required. We also sometimes need to stay late at no notice and it can't be avoided. Tonight he came in with half the expected shopping after work and in his nice pub clothes. He said he didn't realise that he had them in the car.
On several occasions in the past he has said he doesn't understand why people admit to things if they can avoid it. If I ask him directly and he is having an affair and he is, I know he will lie. So what would you do? He knows that disloyalty is an absolute no for me.
If you think my evidence is flimsy and I'm going mad, fine to say so!

OP posts:
Objectrelations · 20/12/2024 21:58

You can't airtag someone's car - it will notify them

Endofyear · 20/12/2024 22:07

Private detective? If he's cheating, it probably wouldn't take them long to find proof.

Nigglenaggle · 20/12/2024 22:10

Maybe endofyear. I've thought about it

OP posts:
Endofyear · 20/12/2024 22:19

Nigglenaggle · 20/12/2024 22:10

Maybe endofyear. I've thought about it

I would do it - hopefully it will turn up nothing and put your mind at rest.

Wonderi · 20/12/2024 22:20

I don’t want to be dismissive of your feelings but nothing you’ve said is suspicious.

I think you’re just obsessed with looking for clues and so any minor thing is going to be heightened.

You are literally looking for proof and you haven’t found anything - surely that speaks for itself?

If he’s going to cheat, he’s going to cheat.

It’s not healthy for you to live like this and so you need to try and stop being so paranoid or if you really can’t get past it, then leave.

You think he’s a cheat.
You’re driving yourself (or going to) mad trying to prove it.

If you are so convinced he’s cheating then end the relationship.
If not, then you need to find a way to get past it.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 20/12/2024 22:25

Well be vigilant over Christmas.. Is he in the loo a bit too long with his phone? Needs to pop out and find a shop for vital missing ingredients /batteries /etc.. Ow he will need to contact with festive cheery messages or a call...

rockstep · 20/12/2024 22:26

Objectrelations · 20/12/2024 21:58

You can't airtag someone's car - it will notify them

I just bought some cheap AirTag type tags from TikTok shop, they don't notify you unless you share them with anyone else but you can track a car with them. I bought them to put in each of our cars, (and my DH knows about them)

healthybychristmas · 20/12/2024 22:27

FabulouslyFab · 20/12/2024 21:35

Had he tidied up to go Christmas shopping for a gift for you?

Bless you!

EnjoythemoneyJane · 20/12/2024 22:29

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 20/12/2024 21:48

Unpopular opinion(?)
After 15 yr you know when something is up.
you already are 80% sure but you just want hard evidence… which is fair enough you have 4 kids.

I’d go into super snoop mode.

  • airtag on the car would be starters for 10
  • phone snooping would continue. Maybe read up on it and I’d potentially do that thing where you can put his WhatsApp on your laptop so you see the messages as they come in
  • generally I’d be keeping an eye out. Bank statements/ receipts / gym bag etc

JFC - an AirTag in the car?!! If a woman came on here and said she’d been subject to this kind of stalkerish surveillance the hounds of hell would be unleashed, and rightly so.

If you’re prepared to go to these kind of lengths you may as well just call it a day because whether you’re right or wrong the relationship is over. There’s no trust left so why torture yourself with all this BS? Just end it.

healthybychristmas · 20/12/2024 22:31

So he goes to work and decides to go to the shop on the way back. At what point did he realise he had a set of clean clothes in the back of his car? And why would he have a set of clean clothes there? Is that a normal thing for him to have? And then where did he change? It's hard to believe he went out to his car to go home, happened to look in the boot, went back into work to change into the clean clothes and then went shopping and came back with half a bagful!

SpookyHare · 20/12/2024 22:34

Put an old smartphone on the boot of the car, check Google maps to see location. It won't notify him like a tag would. Burner Gmail account for this.

johnyhadasister · 20/12/2024 22:36

tbh ....curious ...not another one of these men, pls

OutAgain · 20/12/2024 22:36

Agree on private detective. If you look any up make sure you use a private browser. Sometimes things I search come up on my husbands devices / our Alexa / tv etc

Longsight2019 · 20/12/2024 22:42

Man goes Christmas shopping and gets accused of an affair. Perhaps.

TheTwirlyPoos · 20/12/2024 22:44

I know people who had an affair and it was literally messaging during the work day and the odd time she went to his work. He has find my phone on his phone so that was it

Youd have needed a PI to find them out

MollieSugdon · 20/12/2024 22:45

Have you posted here before about this sort of behavior? I read something a while back that seemed similar (can't remember when, sorry!)

johnyhadasister · 20/12/2024 22:47

what happened to the young lady whose husband and father had a similar business and he would normally go out with the work clothes but one day started putting on suits and even smart nice wrist watch...

Washingupdone · 20/12/2024 22:48

Get your ducks in a row. With four children you need to be prepared for their future before their and your world disappears. Have your finger on the money pulse, incoming and outgoings, etc.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 20/12/2024 22:56

Does he usually carry a set of clothes in his car?
Seems odd he’d suddenly notice a pile of clothes and think to get changed into them… in his car? In work?

Basicwhich · 20/12/2024 22:57

This struck a chord with me op.

Together 16 years. He's become a pathological liar. I knew in my bones he was into a colleague. Denied it. Deleted messages inexplicably. Time vanished inexplicably with him. He made me feel like I was having some sort of paranoia to the point I was going to go to the drs. In the end all the dribs and drabs added up and he confessed he'd been meeting her after work. Wasn't even bothered by that point, was just so fucking relieved I wasn't going insane.
Point being. Trust your gut, and please look after yourself. My stbxh would have done anything to avoid telling the truth, even if that meant making me feel like I was ill. If you know he lies, then there's no trust so that's the end. I do understand the need to be absolutely certain though

Ophy83 · 20/12/2024 22:59

Can you check his Google timeline to see where he's been?

Basicwhich · 20/12/2024 23:01

Apple's driving mode popping up on my laptop is what ultimately gave me watertight proof.

Rhaidimiddim · 20/12/2024 23:06

Nigglenaggle · 20/12/2024 22:10

Maybe endofyear. I've thought about it

If you can afford to, do it!

macap · 20/12/2024 23:06

I wouldn’t say you were clutching at straws.

My dad wearing nicer clothes than his usual work wear was my mums first clue he was having an affair.

I would keep digging

Sunshine1500 · 20/12/2024 23:08

The change of clothes is really the only thing that stands out as strange. There’s not enough evidence of an affair.
Even that could easily be explained, he could have had an appointment or going to pick Christmas gifts.
However I always believe in gut instinct. if you’re worried I’d do some digging.