DH came home in clean clothes

[Nigglenaggle]

Married to DH for 15 years and we have 4 children together. Obviously with that and work there's not loads of time for us. I see that as a natural part of having a big family, which was his idea.
Last year he lied to me about where he was one night. I just know he lied. The week after a text message on his phone accidentally came through over the car while I was driving and he was worried although the content wasn't suspicious.
I snooped on his emails/texts (I know, I'm a bad person) and there was nothing. I decided I might be going mad. I did notice though, that his shopping trips took routinely half an hour to an hour less after that. A member of staff had left his work at this time. Nothing since.
We both have messy jobs. No suits required. We also sometimes need to stay late at no notice and it can't be avoided. Tonight he came in with half the expected shopping after work and in his nice pub clothes. He said he didn't realise that he had them in the car.
On several occasions in the past he has said he doesn't understand why people admit to things if they can avoid it. If I ask him directly and he is having an affair and he is, I know he will lie. So what would you do? He knows that disloyalty is an absolute no for me.
If you think my evidence is flimsy and I'm going mad, fine to say so!

Watch the car mileage....does it tally with where he says he's been.
Sat Nav history.
Also if you're going to fall down the rabbit hole completely and search his phone don't just rely in call history and messages but location history.

You’ll be absolutely unreasonable to leave him based on “instincts “ without proper evidence. Play it cool until you have your undeniable proof

love spending time with our children and as they get past toddler age I've rekindled an interest in my career, which is needed so we can afford nice things, but I'm enjoying it. I feel we'll have time to do other things just for us as the kids get older

Not a judgement, just an observation: Prioritizing kids and work and waiting until the kids "get older" to focus on your relationship is a recipe for an affair.

I think that's why you're suspicious. Deep down you know that the two of you have let your marriage languish and an affair wouldn't be a total shock.

Before going full-on amateur private detective, maybe figure out if you actually want to stay in this marriage. Then sit down with him and have a real conversation.

Bottom line...what do you want?

I'd not be hanging drawing and quartering him on this insubstantial evidence but it would be enough to make me suspicious and probably looking a bit more closely. Your gut is telling you something is up and instinct is rarely wrong.

The evidence may not be on his phone. Apps can be installed on a tablet or laptop. Also may not be emails or texts, cheats often use other messaging apps such as Kik or telegram and may be hidden or buried amongst other apps on a mobile phone.

So would have have needed a shower? If so where did he have one? Why change clothes if he's shopping? It's suspect isn't it.

Then do it. It puts the issue to bed.

A member of staff had left his work at this time.

What's the relevance of this @Nigglenaggle ?

My evidence was rock solid on more than one occasion and they still look you in the eye and lie
The question is, do you still want to be married to him? Do you love him?
Is there other issues aside of this?

So, if he didn’t know he had them til he got in his car, what did he do - strip off in the Asda car park before going in? He’s lying, surely!

Yeah my ex decided I was cheating on him and started doing all this insane stuff like secretly tracking me and reading my itemised phone bill and bank statements.
He's going to trial for coercive and controlling behaviour next month because that shit is illegal

Men who are cheating usually continue to lie even even faced with good evidence. The only thing that will prompt an admission is 100% concrete indisputable evidence. Which is often not available. So there doesn’t seem much point in asking him/tipping him off re your suspicions.

You evidence, whilst objectively flimsy, is not to be ignored. You are the one experiencing this and you must trust yourself. Even though it’s objectively flimsy, your suspicions are pretty likely to be correct.

I would watch him like a hawk. Do you have find my iPhone? Can you ask him for a temporary share my location for 1hr or 8hrs on WhatsApp? Drop a spare set of your airtagged keys into his jacket or car?

Keep digging and keep quiet.

Smell him when you kiss him hello after work, can you smell perfum/scent.
Track yhe car

Struck a chord with me too. Many years ago, up to my elbows in small children, I did a massive laundry blitz one day and got every basket in the house washed. Then-DH came in late for work and said ‘I’ll just quickly wash my hands upstairs’ and sat down for dinner literally half a minute later. Going up to bed a little while later, and undressing myself, there was a pair of his boxers in the laundry. He clearly hadn’t changed when he got home, so he must have had them in his pocket. It’s a stupid micro detail that makes you feel obsessive but there was no other explanation. I didn’t figure it out at the time. I did figure it out a few weeks later. It’s the little things that make you go ‘wait, weird.’

There’s a paragraph in The Unbearable Lightness of Being where the philandering husband is caught out by the smell of his hair.

And did his change of clothes include underwear?

What happened when you caught him out in the lie you mentioned previously OP?

@Nigglenaggle If DH is having an affair, then presumably, he would be trying to avoid getting caught.

So if he changed into nice clothes for the purpose of the affair, why would he not change back into his rougher work clothes before coming home? Would be very fast and easy to do in a supermarket toilet or in the car.

I assume the colleague was the reason for his unknown whereabouts and extended shopping trips. Once she left things went back to normal.

Clothes were on the car as he’s meeting up with someone . Socialising In some way . Either while out shopping or Ment to be at work .

Did he just go out for a drink after work?
End of year.

Who carries a spare set of “nice” clothes in the back of their car for just in case? And who changes in the car to go shopping? Nah, sus as fuck.

I think he’s seeing someone and they have no idea he’s married. .
Hence all the changing .

OP says txt came through too.

He saying about the clothes how the heck do
you have decent clothes in your car and not know ?

Maybe he’s on a dating app going on coffe dates while out doing the shopping.

Could he have had a work do and packed the clothes into the car in readiness?
Could he have changed at work, gone out for end of year drinks then come home?
Forgot to tell wife about the end of year drinks and that he had clothes in car so answered that way when questioned.

Or, more likely, has been Christmas shopping for Op.

Op, you and DH should be prioritising going out together in your clean clothes and sparking up the relationship.
You have so many other demands that you are neglecting each other.
How does DH react when you invite him on an evening walk or a meal out or a movie and dinner?
Spend some alone time together and also agree on both having trackable tiles in your cars incase of theft - not to agree to that would be a red flag to me..