DH came home in clean clothes

[Nigglenaggle]

Married to DH for 15 years and we have 4 children together. Obviously with that and work there's not loads of time for us. I see that as a natural part of having a big family, which was his idea.
Last year he lied to me about where he was one night. I just know he lied. The week after a text message on his phone accidentally came through over the car while I was driving and he was worried although the content wasn't suspicious.
I snooped on his emails/texts (I know, I'm a bad person) and there was nothing. I decided I might be going mad. I did notice though, that his shopping trips took routinely half an hour to an hour less after that. A member of staff had left his work at this time. Nothing since.
We both have messy jobs. No suits required. We also sometimes need to stay late at no notice and it can't be avoided. Tonight he came in with half the expected shopping after work and in his nice pub clothes. He said he didn't realise that he had them in the car.
On several occasions in the past he has said he doesn't understand why people admit to things if they can avoid it. If I ask him directly and he is having an affair and he is, I know he will lie. So what would you do? He knows that disloyalty is an absolute no for me.
If you think my evidence is flimsy and I'm going mad, fine to say so!

Last year he lied to me about where he was one night.

Was your evidence 100%? What was his explanation? How was this resolved?

Would he go to the supermarket in his messy clothes?

I do think trust your gut instinct.

Monitor it over Christmas but sensibly. If you’re too tired for heavy communication why not surprise him one night? Get the kids to bed or with family. Line up a movie. Get your favourite food & drink and just acknowledge how tired and busy you both are: know we’ve been working really hard and not had much time for us. Just want to let you know I love you. I appreciate all that you do and hopefully next year we will get more us time. If he reciprocates with similar sentiments and has the snuggle you want happy days.

Sorry to say I’ve been here and got the tshirt. Questioning him only made him hide more. The one thing I wish I’d done is check his bank account. After the affair came out I did, the things I found on there would’ve told me everything I needed to know. Ask him if you can check and if he says no well there’s your answer.

I wanted to add that I work in a “messy” job of sorts and what I wear is fairly uncomfortable but would be perfectly fine to wear out. I keep a change of clothes in the car, as well as items that have built up over time (like trainers, a jacket, etc). I rarely use them but on those days when I feel like I’m desperate for a shower but have things to do before going home, I have done a quick change in work/supermarket/pub toilets.

Also to add, my Dsis had a gut feeling about her exH but never told me. I got him a fitness tracker watch for Christmas one year. It ending up being the thing (or at least the app) that gave her the solid proof she needed.

I don’t condone snooping but feel far stronger about spouses being unfaithful. I hope it all works out for you OP.

The one thing I wish I’d done is check his bank account.

Mine got caught out when a bank statement from a very old joint account that we hadnt used for years arrived and I opened it.

If he had set up an account in his own name I would be none the wiser....but nowadays expect all online anyway.

But this is the family he wanted and I'm helping him raise them. That's why I am tired. I expect him to accept that. I'd also have gone along with no kids as a choice

This sounds so passive: The family he wanted; you'd have "gone along with no kids". So whatever his preference from 0 to 4?

Reading your posts it just isn't clear what it is that you want.

If you want out of this marriage you don't have to go thru this farce of catching him having an affair; do you feel like you need to have an excuse to end it?

Do you want to be a single mother to 4 kids living on one income? Do you want to stay married? Could the two of you work together to improve your relationship?

Before doing anything rash it might be worth figuring out what it is you truly want here. The stakes are too high to just passively go along with whatever happens.

Did he not just want to stop at the shop and maybe go for a pint at the pub not in his dirty work clothes?

My Dh has exactly that sort of job, comes home covered head to toe in black grime. If he’s stopping at the shop or going somewhere else along the way, he’ll change to normal clothes and clean up with some wipes.

I’m all for listening to your gut, but I wouldn’t personally find this weird. Maybe he stopped to pick up a Christmas present for you and didn’t want to look manky in a nice shop. Maybe he stopped to pick up something from Facebook marketplace and didn’t want to get it all dirty loading into the car and didn’t want to tell you what he bought. This wouldn’t in absence of other things ring alarm bells for me, but you know your Dh.

@Nigglenaggle
So, was he having an affair or not?