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Original poster

Dp told me to spend Xmas alone

137 replies

Fatfreefatball · 20/12/2024 14:13

Been with Dp a long time though we don't live together though not that far apart.
I'm not the greatest fan of Xmas anymore as I don't have any family left and my mum died near Xmas. No kids, he has 3 adult kids.

This row started about a month ago when he told me he was only buying a box of chocolates for me for Xmas as he's already spent too much on me. Dp treated me to a UK short break for my birthday in March and he has been really pissed off that I 'spoiled' his birthday by not spending as much on him. For the record I took him for an expensive meal.

A few things - his bills are about half mine and this year he has been gifted at least 80k by his elderly parents.
At the same time, he has told me exactly how much he is spending on his family - 1k, half of that on his spoilt daughter. Now I know that what he spends on his family is not my business but I just feel so unimportant and that I have had my nose rubbed in it.

Whilst all this arguing was going on I was dealing with a worrying health issue (thankfully resolved) but all the stress has caused a bad flare up of IBS again. He is spending Xmas day with his daughter for the third year in a row. I wanted to go away or go out for dinner for a change. With all that's happened I decided to spend Xmas day on my own and see him the rest of the holiday.

Today he started having a go at me saying my tone on the phone wasn't friendly enough (wtf?) and I was always whinging. I admit I've had a shit month with car repair bills, worrying about my health etc but this is petty. He has now told me I'm not going to ruin his Xmas so he'll see me after the holidays. AIBU to think he's behaving like a dick?

OP posts:
FeegleFrenzy · 20/12/2024 17:21

To be honest he sounds like he’s trying to finish things/get you to dump him so he’s not the bad person. Can’t think of any other reason why he’d be so awful!

XmasElfOnTheShelff · 20/12/2024 17:21

His financial situation is irrelevant. The point is he doesn’t behave like you’re worth it. Get rid.

Hwi · 20/12/2024 17:21

I usually bristle at the usual prompt suggestions on MN - 'dump him', 'time to break up', ' you deserve better', even if people do not know if the poster actually deserves better or worse. etc. but I did not even read your post to the end - I came to 'he told me he has already spent too much money on me' and felt disgusted, on your behalf. It is absolutely disgusting to say that, it is best not to spend anything on a person and not say anything, but if a loved one says it - he is the lowest of the low. Truly awful. Worse than an affair, to me at least.

penelopelondon · 20/12/2024 17:24

He wants to hear nothing from you till it's convenient for him again. I would go radio silence with this man, in a couple of months once he gets back (mostly because he will be intrigued as to why you're not begging him and he hasn't heard from you) I would tell him this doesn't work for you and you want a decent, someone who won't abandon you on christmas.

SometimesCalmPerson · 20/12/2024 17:25

I’d have had more sympathy if you hadn’t started calling his daughter names. You are clearly jealous of her and it’s unreasonable to expect him to want to go away when he has a daughter who would like to spend Christmas with him.

That said, he sounds like a knob for acting like a child over his birthday, and being tight about Christmas when he could afford not to be is not an attractive trait.

The relationship isn’t giving you what you want, so end it.

Freakysneaky · 20/12/2024 17:26

Oh he can fuck right off! Twat!
Sorry heavy cold and short on patience for people like him today.

rwalker · 20/12/2024 17:28

Move on it’s done
if you live separately his bills what he earns and what he spends aren’t anything to do with u

Nc546888 · 20/12/2024 17:28

You deserve a nicer man OP

TunipTheVegimal24 · 20/12/2024 17:31

Sorry you've had a rough time of it OP.

He should be able to see both you and his adult daughter at Christmas. He shouldn't be keeping score over gifts(!), and should absolutely not be trying you to feel bad or guilty or whatever over what he's spent. He shouldn't be leaving you on your own over Christmas, if he cares for you, especially because of the thing with your mum. He shouldn't be making you feel physically ill. But if you're honest with yourself, you know that all of this is horrible. Sounds like you're ready to end it - most people would agree it sounds like a good idea, unless there's some backstory which has been missed. It's sad, but the cracks in relationships start to show over Christmas for a lot of people x

Crackbacking · 20/12/2024 17:32

I don’t see the need for you to be mentioning his daughter as spoilt or how much he spends on his own children. That’s irrelevant to your relationship with him.

You both sound resentful of each other and feel hard done by. I’m not sure what makes him a partner rather than a boyfriend? Your lives seem quite separate.

I’d suggest you split up and next time find a man with no kids if possible. They are rarer the older you are and I don’t know what age you are, but they do exist.

Crackbacking · 20/12/2024 17:34

SometimesCalmPerson · 20/12/2024 17:25

I’d have had more sympathy if you hadn’t started calling his daughter names. You are clearly jealous of her and it’s unreasonable to expect him to want to go away when he has a daughter who would like to spend Christmas with him.

That said, he sounds like a knob for acting like a child over his birthday, and being tight about Christmas when he could afford not to be is not an attractive trait.

The relationship isn’t giving you what you want, so end it.

Good summary. Agree with all of this.

Epidote · 20/12/2024 17:39

I think you will be happier once you are out that relationship.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 20/12/2024 17:40

Ugh, treat yourself to a much better 2025. I can't believe he didn't invite you to spend Christmas with him. He sounds really awful.

Onwards and upwards, OP!

CantGetDecentNickname · 20/12/2024 17:44

penelopelondon · 20/12/2024 17:24

He wants to hear nothing from you till it's convenient for him again. I would go radio silence with this man, in a couple of months once he gets back (mostly because he will be intrigued as to why you're not begging him and he hasn't heard from you) I would tell him this doesn't work for you and you want a decent, someone who won't abandon you on christmas.

He is rather money obsessed and there is no element of ever treating a partner without expecting equal spent in return. I get your point about his outgoings - you are trying to say that your disposable income is much less than his but he still expects equal to be spent by you without agreeing an amount in advance.

The dig about you only being worth a box of chocolates was just spiteful. He could break up with you but would prefer to push you into doing it. I would do what the poster above suggests and give simple "grey rock" answers in texts up until Christmas. Don't meet with him or accept any gift - you can say you have the lurgy and no visitors (or just that you're not well, which is true). Then radio silence over Christmas and beyond. He will get the message. Get yourself a nice box of chocolates and a bottle of wine and relax. He is creating a lot of stress for you which isn't helping your IBS. You may find you feel a lot better in the New Year without the stress. Sorry about your Mum. Flowers

user2848502016 · 20/12/2024 17:49

Why are you with him?
Do yourself a favour and break things off , you'll be much happier in 2025 without dealing with his nonsense

MeridianB · 20/12/2024 17:50

Sorry OP, it sounds like he checked out some time ago and is happy to ‘show you who he is’. You can do much better than this idiot.

Nomdejeur · 20/12/2024 17:54

You do sound a bit grabby and also jealous of his daughter. Just because you don’t like Christmas/have no family doesn’t mean that he just leaves his daughter for Christmas. He did spend a lot on you for your birthday so he’s not tight. You bought him a meal, maybe he’s had enough?

ManhattanPopcorn · 20/12/2024 17:58

This relationship isn't good for either of you.
Do yourself a favour and move on.

Mumof2heroes · 20/12/2024 18:01

In the bin

MikeRafone · 20/12/2024 18:02

he is purposely being a dick as he is at the end of the relationship and if he can creat an argument it makes it easier to leave the relationship

JustAboutMuddlingThrough · 20/12/2024 18:02

Give yourself the best Christmas present ever, and dump the fucker

Mrsbloggz · 20/12/2024 18:02

I'd ghost him from now on, he doesnt deserve an explanation.

Jacopo · 20/12/2024 18:06

He’s vile. Dump him. You can have a great life without him. Google solo holidays. Honestly why stay with someone who drags you down like this?

housethatbuiltme · 20/12/2024 18:12

I mean it sounds like neither of you like each other and are just going through the motions... your allowed to break up if your unhappy and living incompatible lives.

His priorities towards his family make you unhappy, your unhappiness makes you moan about it (your language is very telling of your feelings/attitude), your moaning then makes him unhappy and everyone just ends up irritated, miserable and unhappy.

Beaverbridge · 20/12/2024 18:13

Dump him, he doesn't respect you, sounds like he doesn't even like you. 2025 coming up, dump him find someone who treats you better.

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