@CheekySnake I don't want to hurt them, I never did. I'm not a revenge type of person. Too lazy! And it's pointless really, how they feel isn't my business, so if I hurt them their hurt isn't my business either. I don't really understand when people get pleasure out of that. They must have a very different type of personality than me.
I've already emotionally disengaged, thankfully. It's been a long time coming. Last year did the last little bit of that. I stopped loving them years ago. Now I've gone one step further and let them go. I feel like I've done that Marie Kondo thing of thanking them for being part of my life (just thinking on the positives there, there have been some) and moving on from them. A bit weird to have done that to people, as if they were clutter, but there you go, that's how it feels to me. I just haven't actually gone NC yet, the final step.
I have some fond memories and even with everything that's gone on, if they were to be decent towards me I'd happily speak to them now. I don't forgive or forget but I believe the way to peace is matching people's energy, when the energy is positive. So if my mortal enemy asks a civil question they'll get a civil answer and not be told to go fuck themselves, even if they were trying to kill me last week.
Problem is although narc sibling can do that decency thing when they want to, they won't unless they want me for something. They're a user. So I'd automatically be on my guard if they got in touch. The only thing they tend to want is for me to appease the narc parents.
Narc parent unfortunately doesn't seem able to behave in a sensible manner at all. I guess because the one thing they want from me is the main thing I'm not prepared to give. So it's a stalemate and that relationship just doesn't work at all any more.
I'd be fine never speaking to either of them again. What bothers me is the scale of the tantrum that might ensue if I go NC and whether other family members might gets dragged into hating me for "causing" it (because how dare I have any say over my own life!🙄). Now if that happens there's nothing I can do about it, it would be their decision to choose to be dragged in and judge, their choice not to want to speak to me. I'm just trying to be prepared so nothing takes me by surprise. That's why I'm trying to understand things better. To avoid being blindsided, because I tend to freeze when that happens, which is no good when I need to take some kind of action to put a stop to whatever it is. I'm trying to counteract my weaknesses so if I need to act then I have a plan already and don't need to think of one on the spot when I'm in freeze mode. I'm hoping by not going out in a "blaze of glory" when I go NC but drift into it instead, they might have also chosen to discard me, since I'm of no use because I won't give them what they want, so then hopefully no huge drama tantrums. If anyone thinks that's a terrible idea please do say.
Christmas Eve went well for me, no problems so fingers crossed for Christmas Day now. I'm not spending it with the narcs but there's always the possibility they'll try to pressure me to go along. Not happening! Hope everyone else has an ok day today and tomorrow too.
I'm finding the feeling of being alone weird. Sort of like being an only child and orphan.
@wonderingwonderingwondering she blocked you so in my world that means don't contact her. I don't care if that's what she really means or if she wants you to chase her. I don't play others mind games, they can play by themselves! So I would not accept any fallout they send your way. Also you don't want to contact her so it's important to stay true to yourself.