December 2024 - but we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

New thread

You sound normal to me. I’m trying to allow myself to feel normal also. It’s been a long long time I’ve been telling myself Im not normal based on other people opinions of me. It’s incredibly hard to feel normal amongst the perfect narcs and the very believable stories they have us believe.

We watched a film this evening called grown ups which actually made me feel quite upset. They were re-living their childhood holiday. I can’t stand my childhood and nothing I do in adulthood has any emotional connection to my childhood. It make me feel quite sad. I don’t want to re-visit the places we holidayed, my family home when I visit makes me feel extremely anxious in, I didn’t name my kids after family. I bet that must be nice having a childhood to be proud and connected to and want to re-live. It must ground you when you have kids of your own knowing you can count on family and count on your memories to guide you.

@Dogaredabomb you need to learn skills around impulse control. Maybe there's also self sabotage going on? A therapist can help you.

Caffeine is a drug, you could cut it out. Chocolate (the eating kind, not sure about the drinking kind)/cola/ordinary tea/green tea/decaf coffee - they all have caffeine in them. Maybe you're like an alcoholic with it and can't have "just one". Maybe you need to have none ever.

If you weren't wired from caffeine, then maybe you'd be able to deal with the smoking issue too. Two issues, smoking identity (having something in your hands to fiddle with, smoking breaks, a go-to emotional crutch in stressful times) and addiction to nicotine. Maybe use patches while you deal with the first, then tackle the second.

Got to learn to swap unhealthy behaviour for healthy behaviour. Kindness in words could be a start, eg you're not stupid, you're struggling - so in what way can you help yourself? You wouldn't beat up on a friend who was struggling, so don't do it to yourself.

Sorry I worded that bad - not like you need to change, just like if you want to change that's the skills to look at

I feel like this also.
I can’t stand my childhood. I remember when my parents sold the family home years ago. I felt no connection to it at all and haven’t felt the need to visit it to see what it looks like now. Nothing I do relates to my childhood at all and I have zero good memories, of my mother especially. It’s just bad memories or nothingness. I haven’t kept up any family traditions and to be perfectly honest I’m not sure if there even were any growing up. If there were they are wiped from my memory.

I find some threads on mumsnet both upsetting and alien when people either are remembering their mums and the nostalgia associated with them or are comparing their perfect family background to that of their partners dysfunctional one. I can’t imagine having those warm feelings and nostalgia and having a mum who would walk over hot coals for me, or was the person I told my problems to and received support. I would have loved to have had a mother like that. But my mother was the opposite of what a mother should be. She was cold and disinterested at her best, and abusive and cruel at her worst.

@VWSC3 it is shit. And yeah I can and I do create my own traditions and memories for my children. It’s the sitting awkward in situations where others talk and then pass over to you “so what family holidays do you remember” or “what family traditions did you enjoy”….well…I used to make dens to hide my sorry anxious ass in, I used to bite glasses when in social situations and end up in A@E, I used to throw my dinner over the fence or hide it in pot plants when no one was looking because I was so anxious I couldn’t eat or I’d hide in the bathroom in pure fear. It’s not that they were even abusive they just missed the real me and they weren’t people I trusted with all my shame if feeling different .Everything is a trigger, it’s hard to stay composed.

I used to make dens as well; I also used to sleep out in the back garden all summer under a sheet slung over the washing line. And as long as I was small enough. I used to sit behind the sofa with a book.
I do have some happy memories from my childhood but they don't have my family in them. They are things I've never told them about.

It’s funny how this stays with you. Even now I prefer small confined spaces. Sometimes I sit in the small porch in the corner with my tea, especially in the summer when the sun bakes the room. My little 2 year old will go off after a tantrum and push herself behind things or sit in the corner of the kitchen. We are all so similar in what we seek.

Agree and second checking local libraries . My daughter volunteers at ours and there’s often a „book and a brew“ session on. There’s no pressure to read or discuss the book I don’t think !

This all sounds great…,if I could get past my own fears of fitting in. Having to read the situation, taking in everyone’s emotions because I feel too much all the time. Worrying I’ll say the wrong thing or misunderstood when I’m supposed to talk and when I’m not. It’s a social minefield that I’m pulled between really wanting people but having no ideas how to do it. Perhaps there are ND meets.

What do people do to lift their mood after spending time with their narc parents.
My mum went home midday after staying with me for a couple of days. Not sure if im just exhausted from treading on eggshells or shes drained the happiness of me but . I've wasted the day in a funk since she left. Let's share what we do to repair the dark cloud of their presence!

@Mrsmozza123 I often head for my Pinterest boards - I have one dedicated to pictures that make me feel calm, one of places I'd like to travel to, one of gardens, one of cosy log cabins... just anything that makes me feel relaxed and positive. I also always make them private so I'm the only one that can see them, which helps too for some reason! It's only a simple thing to do but I find it really effective (and healthier & cheaper than the biscuits/crisps/wine method!!!)

Open the windows to let the negative energy out and put on some music. Then take a walk (I need to physically move to get rid of stress and being outside definitely helps). Then tidy up, even if it's just corralling things into piles, because I hate a messy environment. Then take a bath and watch a film after. That usually resets me. Downside is it takes a while.

The deregulation of the nervous system is bloody awful after spending time with those who trigger it. I’m often in a deregulated haze and in the past has spiralled. I told a friend not long about it and she said I can message her whenever. She is so crass and funny and has a great way of making fun of the situation. Laughing and holding onto my little family works well for me as does re-arranging the house. I could and do squeeze my Little 2 year old which brings tears to my eyes because of her innocence. She has a new saying on repeat which is “l love you mummy you my best friend”. This lifts me everyday. I have been telling myself it’s just nerves and hormones and chemicals, it’s not the truth.

Cortisol is definitely a thing (very scientific of me).

Thanks everyone. It's great to hear from people who have this feeling too. Just so flat.
Today is a new day.
Took my 4 year old swimming this morning and going to clean up the house and cook up some wholesome food. Great tip about opening all the windows.

I was just thinking about narcissism (as you do). I always thought that they were weird empty people. But I’ve come to understand that they have needs and have likes and dislikes and are very similar to you and me. The difference is how they get these needs met. I’ve been seeing lots of photos over the weekend of MiL and others sons family enjoying days out together. They look very happy. I think this golden child relationship is weird. There is no way I’d meet the needs of another person who does nothing for me. For me to want to spend days out with family there would have to be a balance of give and take. There is no give from the parents but the son happily gives all his time and all his weekends to them. I guess this has been trained from an early age. It’s mutually beneficial. Son gets attention and parents get to look normal and lavished with attention without doing anything. I’m learning that’s where boundaries come in. Narcs seem to manage to get what they want by doing very little.

They're being rewarded for poor behaviour aren't they? My parents were the same, they put themselves first without fail in every situation. Mum was a housewife with a cleaner who would call me lazy. Even though I was a single parent working full time. It was the narrative, I'm lazy and spineless. Yeh, raise two nd kids by yourself whilst working f/t and see how lazy and spineless you are.

Their relationships were always transactional, they were always on the make. And it worked! Why is it successful?!

I guess maybe it's like a shitty boyfriend and the 'treat em mean keep em keen' thing. That works too, on some people. I've pined for a lot of boys/men who had very little interest in me.

I know. I try not to let it get to me because it’s outside of any control of mine but it really does work. They have taught self sufficiently and independence to such a degree that their adult kids don’t even ask anything from them, but are happy to give them time and love and attention for doing absolutely nothing. If you want to be part of my family then you need to make effort. That’s how it works isn’t it? Why would you go and visit people who not once step in and help with yours kids, visit you, give you their time and support, don’t call and ask when you are sick. How do they achieve this level of attention on nothing?

She would snarl at me 'get a job' when I was 13! I got one and didn't tell her and next time she snarled it i said I've got one. I worked 18 hours a week on top of school. But she didn't work! I looked after myself from a very young age and both of us left home very early.

I remember at university other people having parents who paid off their overdrafts or bulk bought them tons of tinned food or washing powder. Or visited.

But I was lazy, funny that when I was working in a hospital kitchen on top of doing my degree. It didn't occur to me not to work but why not be proud of me?

I don't understand it at all happyfarm it's like they hate their own kids.

I went out for a meal with them in my mid 30s and Mum said something insane about me. I said 'I've always wondered why you've never liked me'. She said 'it's because of all the men'. I said 'what fucking men, I'm permanently single and so what, I was just desperately searching for a family or someone to love me'. She said 'but you've got....... oh'.

Interesting.

Quite frankly thank goodness they're dead, you have this to look forward to 😂

I didn't like her from a really young age, about 3. She gave me the creeps. I never sought her out if I had a problem. I remember other people's mums being kind to me and it would make me want to cry, to me they seemed like amazing angels. And sometimes things would filter back via friends that their mum had said my mum was horrible or they felt really sorry for me.