December 2024 - but we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

New thread

I feel like I'm over the bad childhood but I also feel that I'm very shaped by it. Both in good and bad ways. Very bad ways actually, seriously adverse now i think about it.

My weight has never ever been stable and atm I'm incredibly fat. Also I've had pneumonia and flu in the past 6 months and ended up in hospital each time. Yet I smoke.

I have a cupboard full of nicotine inhalers that I've used before to stop and I know they work.

I want to live, my kids only have me. I love life and am very easily pleased just sunshine and a cuddle with the dog gives me joy.

I think I can't bear any discomfort whatsoever. I can't bear to want a snack yet not have it, want a fag and not have it. If I want to watch tv in my pyjamas at midday I will.

In some ways i like myself very much in others I think I'm a piece of shit who can't do anything.

happyfarm I've made such bad choices and they've had serious and lifelong impacts on me and my kids. I've been married twice both times very briefly. Both times I don't even know if I loved them at all and certainly we were completely unsuited. I was twice divorced by 30. And I was horrendously promiscuous from 13-15. I just didn't think I mattered at all. I couldn't access my choices.

I've been single since my early 30s and I wouldn't trust myself in a romantic relationship, to me it looks like married people are all speaking double dutch, I don't understand what they're doing.

I relate an awful lot. I went into my marriage with only one need. For him to fix all the bad things….only he made them 100 times worse. I long for softness and kindness but I have no idea where to find this because I find the world hard and I also have no idea what most people are doing. My ex is a definite narc, a terrible model of a father that I feel terribly
guilty for.

But I know that we all deserve all that we want and we are worthy despite all the mistakes. I used to stand in front of everyone as lesser and then somehow try and prove myself. I don’t do this anymore. I think we jeopardise ourselves because we just don’t think we deserve better. But we do.

@SamAndAnnie it is dsis who has sent them the letter no idea why or what it's about. They do have dm phone number i presume they have tried to call her on her landline and got no answer. The letter would of been posted I presume before the opg doctor went out as it was being sent abroad
The friends won't be aware of the current family situation as it has only occurred in the last few years
They have emailed me as other than dm phone number they have no other contact details and I doubt dsis will remember them using my email address many years ago when they visited the uk

I was upset and angry with dsis last night as she can update friends we haven't seen in years with dm health but not me or my dc. The opg and ss are investigating the fact that dsis has excluded me from dm life so she can continue to help herself to dm money and coerce her hence why when upset I felt like emailing it to them as more proof

I didn't have an abusive childhood I have a dsis who has turned greedy and controlling who has poa changed dm will and isn't updating me on dm health i don't even know if i will be informed when she dies which is very unfair to me and my dc she's my dm and my dc granny everything was fine until i politely confronted dsis about missing money i didn't report anything to the opg for around 7 months hoping it would be resolved i still kept visiting dm even though i knew she had cut me out the will until she stopped inviting me in the house

@Happyfarm contentment for me is my husband who works away alternate months, we have always laughed a lot and he understands me and my insecurities. My dogs, swimming especially with my dogs, my garden, the garden birds, all the strays I feed, growing veg that the deer eat before I harvest it, my neighbours donkeys running through my fields and us chasing them, my log fire, good book or film, my old wellies and falling apart wax jacket (never worn the new one) spring bulbs, summer lilies, autumn dahlias, the seasons and routine of the gardening, seed trays in my potting shed. Pain au raisin and cup of tea, my huge fleece oodie (squeal I love it)and my cashmere socks. The dogs snoring, just stuff that makes me quietly content. YouTube videos of teddy the porcupine lifts even the hardest days. It's the small stuff you remember that often means the most. I have had all the trappings but in my 60's I prefer a quieter simpler life.

That’s so nice. I’ve spent so long in survival mode I can literally only name things I don’t like. There’s a big part of myself missing. I’ve no idea what makes me feel at peace. Now I’ve got 2 kids all I do is make sure they are ok and that pretty much overwhelms me, the constant noise and all the things to remember that I always forget!

That’s how I feel too. I don’t know myself at all anymore. I sometimes feel like a robot that just functions for my DC. I meet all of their needs and don’t know how to meet my own. I’m the same as you because I can only think of the things I dislike, and seem to have forgotten what makes me tick. I also crave peace, but it’s the one thing I don’t seem to be able to achieve.

Ditto.

I wonder if the after effects of having an emotionally abusive / unstable upbringing mimic asd? Until I was about 40/45 I found that I didn't have the quick responses to any nastiness that were required.

I ended up gasping like a fish instead of saying shut up you total bitch. Or just I don't want to talk about that. I can do it now. I've got less tolerant of crap with age.

With contentment I think that nature is very important. I view the natural world as God if that makes any sense 🤣

I love weather and the different smells that it all brings. And animals, I'd love to have a menagerie but my dog wants to be an only child.

And friends are important to me, I don't have many but they're rock solid awesome women and we really have each other's backs.

Thank you@FriendlyReminder I'm sorry you are familiar this kind of experience too, but at the same time it's good to not feel alone in it and to feel understood!

I wonder if this has a name? I’ve tried many different hobbies and I get bored and don’t like any of them. I’ve tried doing the things I know I used to love, but I don’t find joy in those either. I’ve wondered if it’s because I’m ill now (M.E) and I’m always tired and never have the energy. If I do want to do something I always end up suffering with fatigue.

This also resonates. I have an autoimmune illness that causes fatigue too.
I don’t find joy in things I liked either, I’ve even given away possessions that I used to love.
I don’t know if it has a name, I just assume it’s due to the PTSD and trauma. I think I’ve been abused and criticised so much that it’s sucked out the joy in things.

I’ve wondered if my difficulties surrounding my neurodiversity are only raising their head now that I am in a much safer environment. I didn’t know I was ND until after I left my abusive marriage. When in my 13 year marriage my whole existence was based around the mood of the relationship and him. Making him happy was my purpose and when he was happy I was happy and when he was sad I was sad. Things outside of this in terms of me independently liking stuff was irrelevant. I also wonder if I have trouble recognising the feeling of joy from within myself because of the ND so have adapted a way of acknowledging joy from the say so of others. Something does feel missing or maybe I don’t have the tools to reach a connection with my feeling. If any of that makes sense. I do feel joy in the moments of joy but I can’t preempt or tell you what those things are at this very moment.

@Happyfarm Yes, I understand what you are saying. I think when we are in abusive situations we are trained to put the abusers needs above our own, and it just becomes normal to do that. Then when we are in a safer situation our brains are so rewired by everything that we just can’t put ourselves first and just carry on putting everyone else’s needs first.
When you are free to feel again I think it does highlight other things, in your case ND, in my case I had to repress emotions growing up so mine is my emotions - I don’t know what to do with my emotions sometimes because they are so intense.
Your feelings around joy could be due to your ND like you say, but did you feel joy before your relationship with him? Because it could equally be because he trained you to only think of his joy rather than your own.

@VWSC3 oh god I have the most appalling memory I don’t really remember much from before then. I mean I can remember places etc but not how I felt about it. I know there were many things I did but I couldn’t tell you if I did those things for the joy of myself of simply to escape a feeling I had. I do remember doing this out of disconnection if that makes sense. This is where my diagnosis and my childhood gets confusing and blurry for me. I was an incredibly anxious child, I can remember that. Hated noise, avoided parties because of the balloons incase they popped, terrified of people dressed up. Hated eating out or in people’s houses, then started hating eating at home (no problem with weight but anxious over something). No idea how to keep friends so got very clingy and then when as life does and people moved on I was absolutely devastated. Never spoke about this, had glowing reports at school despite being horrible anxious on the inside.

Actually talking makes me happy. That is something always on my school records…she doesn’t stop talking. Everyone has always told me to be quiet but I do love talking! lol about anything.

happyfarm so you like to chat, that is something to work with!

I like to chat too, lighthearted chat with neighbours and people in shops cheers me up.

There are knit and natter type groups in most places. What puts me off is the actual knitting aspect unless they don't mind casting on and off for me while I do the world's longest scarf. And your library might have coffee mornings?

I should take my own advice 🤣

However you're still in the trenches with the stage your children are at, you won't have much emotional space atm.

How can I stop being stupid?

I know too much coffee makes me anxious, yet I always have that third cup. I know smoking is ridiculous, bad for me and expensive. I know I'm fat and need to lose weight.

I feel so stupid.

I have no self control, there's a rebellious toddler inside of me that won't let anyone boss me around but there's no one left who's bossing me around! I can't even look after myself when I want to.

I feel like 'move on idiot, grow up'.

Are you ND? I often feel like someone needs to be in charge of me and that person I know should be me but I seem incapable of doing that job myself lol! Sometimes I think we need to just have a laugh at ourselves because I know it’s serious but we are so god damn imperfect and it’s ok!

I'm not sure if I'm ND, my two adult dc are diagnosed with asd and one of them with adhd too (that was fun!). I'm in my mid 50s so ND wasn't a thing back in the day and I did quite well academically. So I'm probably hard wired to mask.

At school i absolutely could not learn from the information being spoken so I'd teach myself later from the textbook. So I'm probably a little ND, masked, with hardwired adaptations.

There are daily "walk and talk" groups in my area. Based on the ones I've been on, the walking is incidental to the chatting :)

I used to wish I had a clone who had to do all the boring stuff like work/school and cleaning so I could just have a laugh all day. Personally I think wanting that is normal 🤣

But I do need to find a way to get a grip and look after myself like i would look after a loved one.

immersedinfog that's a great idea. I do think that the council websites are quite good for those types of things.