December 2024 - but we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

New thread

Toxic crap can and does continue down the generations but we have a choice when it comes to us; we can choose to inflict the same old in what was done to us onto the next generation or we can choose to act differently. I chose to act differently. Both my parents and surviving in-law have and continue to give me abject lessons in how not to behave!.

There are many people that always make excuses for others.

It was something my DH's aunt thought everybody needed to do because "you never know what somebody's been through". She tried it and after many years she realised she was just making excuses for other people and why they were allowed to treat her badly.

And yes, you never know what somebody's been through so you should always try to treat others as nice as possible but when somebody's wronged you it doesn't mean you have to let the person treat you like crap. You're allowed to stand up for yourself and you should.

I think as women we are raised to be self sacrificing, the enablers of others dreams, the fixers, the dustbins etc but all of this is sweet and kind but there is no end, only erosion of self and of personal dreams and health. Why is someone’s else’s problems our jobs to fix? It feels like second nature to abandon all self in the pursuit to help another to the point of personal inhalation. My attitude has changed. I really am not interested in being someone’s fixer and my partners personal back up. I have my own dream also, my dream is not to enable his dream. This has happened all too easily in my past. When I look at both sets of parents I see women who’ve spent their lives enabling others and promote submissiveness and never to rock the boat for fear of what I don’t now. Why don’t women promote speaking up and rocking the boats more?

Hear hear!

Are we pre programmed I wonder to gain self esteem and purpose from sacrifice? Is it a mothering thing or a society thing? I know so many women who are impressed about how much they have given up, like a medal and then on the other side of the coin so many friends who are quite resentful that they have given so much and it never be appreciated. I know I really kicked myself after placing so much of myself in my ex husband hands. I wish my parents had taught me the importance of being financially independent and equal as a women.

It's not our jobs to fix someone else's problems. That's a lie we've been told by those who don't want women realising the full potential of their power.

Generations of women promoting submissiveness and not rocking the boat out of fear (in the distant past) of being left destitute without any income or means to obtain one or (in more recent past) being left with the stigma of divorce ("You couldn't keep your man? What a shit wife you must have been, what a shit person you are, nobody will want you now it's proved you're unworthy").

More women are promoting speaking up and rocking the boat more these days. Especially on forums like this.

Unfortunately often not IRL, because it's not considered polite to say anything negative about anyone ever. So it's still generally considered socially unacceptable to tell someone they're in an abusive relationship, their husband is a bastard or that cutting contact with their close relative might find them living a much happier life. Instead they don't say these things even if they believe them.

And lots don't believe those things, believing instead that everything can be fixed with tolerance and reasonableness. They don't realise that there is no reasoning with unreasonable people, because those people will never tolerate other's existence as autonomous human beings and the only thing you'd be tolerating is further abuse.

It's human nature really. Everyone wants everything to be ok, especially their own situation. So even if someone expresses negativity towards the situation they're in to the person concerned, the person then dismisses it and makes excuses for it. Tripping over themselves to convince themselves that there's nothing wrong and it all has an entirely reasonable explanation. Because that's easier than facing reality and acknowledging you can't tolerate it and that you'll have to do something about it and then doing something about it.

Just received an email from dm friends from the other side of the world dm lived there when she first got married and has always kept in touch say they have received a letter from dsis yesterday saying dm is unwell and asking for mine or dsis phone number as they would like to thank her over the phone if she's up to it

They have my email from many years ago when they visited the uk

Well it's news to me dm is unwell and i presume we arent talking a sniffle or dodgy tum and I live 5 minutes walk away for both dm and dsis

Not sure how to respond as no point in giving my number as not seen her months when she stopped letting me in and not seen dsis for over 2 years so will probably just forward it to dsis

I bloody hate dsis so much for doing all this I hope she gets caught opg are now investigating and were sending out an independent doctor to assess dm capacity and if she was vulnerable to being manipulated yesterday but I doubt they will have seen her if she's not at home

I won't do anything rash tonight but I am so tempted to fucking forward the email to dsis cc in the opg investor and ss investor I am fuming and so upset having to hear from distant friends half way across the world that my own dm is unwell no matter what dsis thinks of me and i haven't done anything to her or dm we were all very close until i kindly warned dsis she may get in trouble taking money from dm account she is still my dm and my dc grandmother

Spendysis take a deep breath.

I'd do nothing at all with the email. If you start sending emotional emails to sister cc'ed to OPG and SS, who it has nothing to do with, you're going to look like the unhinged one. Which is possibly the plan. Discredit you as a witness/complainant.

It looks like your mother's old friends have been recruited into being flying monkeys. If your mother wanted them to be able to contact her by phone she would have put her own phone number in the letter. If she didn't then she didn't and they need to accept it. They can write a letter back to her. Why do they want your or your sister's phone number if it's your mum they want to speak to? And thank her for what? It makes no sense.

Funny how all of a sudden your mother is at death's door just when the OPG start investigating. I'd guess it was your sister who wrote the letter and none of it is true. It'll turn out your mother was in hospital having an ingrown toenail removed or she's been told by OPG doctor that she lacks capacity, or something else that's non-urgent. It's also possible for scammers to use technology that makes it look like an email has come from a particular email address, perhaps your sister has got hold of some such technology. Do your family have your current phone number? I'm wondering if it could be a ploy to get your phone number out of you.

Is mark the email spam so any more goes directly to your junk folder upon receipt, so you don't see it.

Even if it's true, it's for your mother to manage her relationship with her friends, there's no reason for you to be involved. You haven't been keeping in touch with these people there's no reason for you to start now.

It's very telling that the email (and the letter to the friends?) is vague and doesn't say she's dying or what of. Just implies it. It sounds like mind games to me.

I agree spendysis I'd delete and block, you don't need this upset and weirdness from the other side of the world.

Ignore the flying monkeys sent in by others to do their bidding for them.

@SamAndAnnie being pretty naive about life in general I had no idea how taboo leaving a marriage was. I remember when I first met my in-laws and they spoke about the long marriages in their family and how it takes work and not just giving up etc etc. I felt like an alien. There’s me thinking how strong I was leaving an abusive marriage, buying my own home etc etc to be met with disgust really. It’s definitely frowned upon by lots. It was lucky I’d met a couple of people in recent years who are strong spiritual women who’ve said such lovely things to help me along.

@Happyfarm I believe in making a marriage work, Iv been married 30 years but not in toxic or abusive relationship.
Considering the national statistics in UK are 50% of marriages end in divorce, your in laws are not very bright.
Repeating generational failure is nothing to be proud of.

No it’s not but according to them neither is making a bad choice. Apparently they have all made better choices in men (in their opinion) so therefore are better and superior. I think I’m in a good position. I’m with a man that I love but I have my own house and money if for some reason it goes bad. I don’t HAVE to stay like I did the first time around because he was in full control of everything. I guess I’m not the women they wanted for their son because no way do I now sacrifice myself for anyone. Apart from kids and things I willingly want to do.

@Happyfarm are their men/choice also completely enmeshed in the family, it's not healthy. Self reliance will never be acceptable to them.
I had a few poor choices in men when I was younger but tbh all I had to base relationships on was my family, anything was going to be better than living at home. It took till I was 30 to understand myself and stopped trying to fit in, I cut all the deadwood out my life including one way friendships. I decided I would rather be alone than have to fit in, the result was I found people who loved me no matter how difficult, annoying or rude I was 😂 they appreciated me, my frankness and my weird and wonderful ways.
Few years back I saw a video about privilege and how growing up in a stable home puts others much further ahead in the race of life, security, love and guidance.
Self sufficiency and financial independence has always been my driving force.

@binkie163 I guess growing up with security does give you privileges. The thing is with me also I’ve always been an odd ball. I see the things others want as a shopping
list to happiness. House, marriage, kids. But are they actually happy though because so many of the people in my life behind the scenes are anxious or depressed or unfulfilled. I’m allowing myself to not give a shit anymore about trying to fit with this because I don’t and never have, I’ve got into such a mess trying to aspire to all the things that most people do. I don’t want to be a housewife or a wife or a mum the same as I see around me. It’s actually quite exciting not giving a shit about what people think.

I’ve seen that before, it’s sad.

Yes I cried when I first saw it @Happyfarm

I dislike society and expectations. Is anyone actually happy?

I think being content is a good goal and there'll be times of happiness.

Yeah content sounds good. I suppose I’m coming about it as an ASD person who has never figured out what her content was because I’ve tried to aim for what other people’s idea of content is. I’ve often reached those things but never been content about it. It’s very difficult to find out who you are and what you want when you always searching for that thing you’ve never had. A parent who guided you to grow it. It’s in there somewhere as a little seed.

Anyone else feel that there life’s goal appears to be getting over their childhood? It feels wasteful.

I wasted decades trying to get over my childhood and establish any kind of normal life as an adult. A combination of homelessness/insecure housing and low paid jobs didn't help.

I wasn’t even abused as others have been on here by their parents. But enough emotional neglect to wind up in an abusive marriage that caused a lot of damage. It has a snow ball effect I guess.