December 2024 - but we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

New thread

I think I have a covert narcissist mother and a dad with bi polar disorder. For years I thought I had one good parent and one bad parent, and used to feel sorry for my Mum; until the day she emptied my savings account and gave the money to my Dad.

I had a very emotional immature and
damaged mum, very much a victim and a dad who spent his life feeling sorry for her until later years when he couldn’t stand being around her. All they did was argue and come to my house and complain about each other.

@darkmodereactivated make the most of your mums radio silence, she is just regrouping, it won't last long. I expect usually you are the one to contact/apologize in these circumstances, don't do it this time. Use this as a springboard to new year, no nonsense you.

@binkie163 @darkmodereactivated
This is what I’ve done since Xmas day!! My MIL is spitting….. telling everyone that I’m obviously ill, having some kind of breakdown apparently. Honestly it’s bliss…..
Im sure she’ll kick off in other ways later but for now I’m honestly enjoying the peace.

Good for you , half the battle is knowing and recognising what’s going on I find, and even if that happens later that day rather than in the moment it’s all progress.

I’m really struggling with the decision to move away. My children are so happy in their schools and they are in good schools. Everything you could hope for for your children. Plus they are too old to be uprooted. I’m worried if I move us away for my mental health then one day they will end up writing on this board that I selfishly uprooted them for my own gain and that I’m a bad mum to have done that.
Im literally having nightmares about it.
I don’t think I can do it to them, but my life is over. I rarely leave the house, I can’t work (my family would find a way of ruining it for me anyway, they know everybody), my health is awful, the man who keeps sitting outside our house is back watching our house again. I feel like a parrot that’s trapped in its cage and has pulled all its feathers out with stress.

I don’t think my family would ever hurt my children, it’s always been me they’ve scapegoated. They always did that thing of being vile towards me, but being a support to everyone else with a different face for the world , so I think that’s what they would do with my children. They’ve told me they will “tell the children the truth about me in the future” (ie repeat their smear campaign about me to them). It will be about driving a wedge between us and undermining me, rather than hurting them.

My personality has completely dissolved. Everything they criticised me for I have basically edited out of myself, so I’m just a husk of a person anyway.
They win no matter what I do. They will hunt my children down on social media no matter what. It’s impossible to escape abusers in the modern world. They’ve successfully turned most people I cared about against me with their smear campaign, so they will do the same with my children. It’s inevitable. I see posts on mumsnet generally where adult children want to connect to family members who have hurt their parents “because the argument isn’t theirs”, and the thought of it kills me.

I need to let my children be happy in their schools, it’s unfair to bring upheaval to their life because I can’t cope with my situation and because of the arseholes I’m related to. I need to give them a chance at happiness. I conceal how I feel around them, it’s exhausting, but I grew up in an environment where I had to paint a smile on my face and pretend I was ok to the outside world, so that’s what I do with my children. The smiling swan who is paddling hard with massive weights tied around her feet. But then I’ve read on here that people hate their parents doing that too. So maybe my children will grow up to hate me for that.

Ive had therapy in the past and it’s just kept me locked in the pain, I’m on medication and that helps a little bit. I don’t know what to do anymore. I think all of this will only stop when I’m 6ft under.

I don’t know what I want from this post really. Maybe just to warn anyone who has a toxic family to move away when your DC are tiny and preferably before you have any and never tell your family they exist. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Doing the ‘right thing’ with narcissistic people will always come back to bite you. If I could turn back time I would move away before I was pregnant.
Because as it is, my mother always told me she wished she had aborted me, and I wish she had too. I hate what my FOO have done to my life.

@VWSC3 please Google freedom program asap. They will professionally help you through this, it is free.
Which is worse for you, uprooting your kids and them possibly not being happy but you gain your health and happiness back or your family turning them against you and they are embarrassed and ashamed of their mum?

Edited to say; do your kids not notice something isn't right?

@binkie163 I just really don’t want to make my children unhappy. I think knowing my FOO they will work hard to turn my DC against me no matter what. It’s the hardest thing realising that I can’t protect my DC from then, I can’t even really protect myself from them. I just hide.
My DC don’t really know any different. They recognise that I’m a scaredy cat, but they see it as amusing. I can’t explain it well, they don’t see it as scary fear, they think it’s funny because they don’t know why I’m like it I think. They know our families have treated us badly, but they don’t link the 2 IYSWIM.
I will look at the Freedom program, I’ve seen it mentioned on here before, but not looked it up.

@VWSC3 please contact freedom program, for those who cannot escape or go NC you need support to learn coping skills and unbiased professional help xx

Thank you @binkie163. I’m a mix of NC and LC with family, but can’t escape them in this town. They’ve got lots of flying monkeys doing their dirty work and everywhere I go there is someone linked to them.
I honestly wish there was an ‘escape’ button from life because I’ve really had enough.

What do the Freedom program do? Is it like an online resource or do you have to speak to them?

It is an online resource with professionals who understand toxic, dysfunctional families. Usually for women fleeing abusive husbands. Your situation is no less abusive and your family are frankly batshit. You need help to know where you stand, any action available, especially regarding the man outside and ways to strengthen your boundaries so you are less reactive. Take control of your life xx

VW

If you are their scapegoat then your children will be scapegoated as well by your family. You need to rebuild your life by moving away from your current town.

How old are your children?. Have you ever given them the age appropriate truth re your family?.

They’ve told me they will “tell the children the truth about me in the future” (ie repeat their smear campaign about me to them). It will be about driving a wedge between us and undermining me, rather than hurting them.

If this is what they'll do if you stay, then you've nothing to lose by moving. Worst case scenario, you'll move and eventually lose your DC because they decide you're selfish for moving. If you stay, it's guaranteed you'll lose them. Along with them experiencing all their upset at believing whatever lies they're told about you, their mother who they love, and getting enmeshed with the toxic people themselves. If you move, all of you have a chance at thriving outside and away from all this toxicity. You have a chance to be something other than stressed out unwell mum and actually forge a relationship with DC where they see you for who you really are and not the shadow you've become.

I did the freedom programme in person. It was a group of people and the leader, who's been in an abusive relationship themselves, all women. You didn't have to speak, could just listen if you preferred. It teaches you the basics of what a healthy relationship looks like, a bit about self esteem and boundaries etc as well as how to deal with the abuse as best as possible if you've decided to stay in the situation for now. I think it's also online now. It's run by women's aid charity. It's for anyone in an abusive relationship of any kind, not just those with abusive spouses. You could go to the one in your new town when you move, even though you'd have exited the abusive relationship with your FOO by then you'd still qualify to attend. You don't have to remain a shadow you can find yourself again, you're still in there somewhere.

I’m not so sure that your children will be scapegoated because you are. I know from experience that some take great pleasure in gaining control of your children and use this to alienate and hurt you further. It’s not parent experience but my narc ex is twisted like this and the last thing he ever said to me was that he would make sure our daughter knew the truth about me and he would have her living with him in no time. I think it really comes down to the malignancy of them.

I did the freedom programme and met and still friends with some lovely people who you can talk to and they understand.

I phoned the police about the man who sits outside our house in his car, they didn’t want to know, they said he can do what he wants.

This is the exact type of Narc I’m dealing with. They love driving wedges between people like a power play.
Ive lost people I never thought I would lose from the smear campaign. It has been brutal. They went out of their way to contact everyone we knew. So I know they will come after my DC next.
We have toxicity on both sides of the family so it’s multiple people involved which makes it harder.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Thanks for the reply. They are Primary and early High school age, this is what makes uprooting them such a difficult thought. It’s too late not to impact them.
I know it’s a possibility they might scapegoat them, but I think they would more likely over-value them to spite me. It’s more their style IYSWIM.

These disordered types can indeed over value or under value the relationship (not really this) between them and their grandchildren. It is certainly in their interests as well as your own here to stay away from these serial abusers. It’s not possible to have a relationship with people that disordered of thinking.

And despite their ages I would consider moving. You all need to get out from
under their sphere of influence.

@VWSC3 honestly I have no solid advice as it’s kept me awake worried for many years really. The stuff he says to our daughter is appalling. The only thing I’ve come to realise is that we are the only people we can control. We need to try and make sure we are the strongest best person and teach our children different minds and different perspectives and simply hope that it is enough. When I’m personally strong mentally I’m a much better person, more laughing, more fun more positive and I know this must have some influence in the development of my child’s mind and identity. That and heavily promoting friends and clubs outside of this narcs world. When we are weak this plays into their hands, it’s all I have personally.

@SamAndAnnie I understand what you are saying. I just feel so scared. I wish I had a crystal ball to know what would work out best for my DC.
I then sometimes think maybe there is just something wrong with me, maybe I’m just wired wrong. Maybe moving away wouldn’t change anything because I’m just defective. And then what?? And then that’s when I start to think everyone would be better off without me around. Maybe our families would leave the DC alone if I wasn’t here to taunt, maybe my DH and DC would have a better life without damaged me in it.
Im in a bit of a downwards spiral at the moment. I’m sorry for flooding the thread with messages when you all have your own difficult circumstances too.

VW

It’s not you, it’s them. You’re the normal one among the dysfunctional in your family of origin. You’re not wired wrong, they are.

You are not defective either but they’ve made you think you are. And your own family unit would not have better lives if you were not present.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I worry that moving away won’t change anything because they will be one click away on social media. I can’t see a way of protecting my DC from them and I hate it.
They do know age appropriate information about it all, but it’s so difficult. I have to be careful how much I say because I don’t want to them to end up thinking I’ve burdened them with adult things IYSWIM.

wv3cs If you're somehow "defective" then you get help for that - it'll be enough dealing with it without dealing with your toxic family on top. By removing the FOO you'd be removing 50% of the problem (more like 99% I'd say, but whatever). You can start to heal from whatever damage they've caused you once you're away from them. It's never going to happen while they're still actively harming you. You're never going to not feel fear all the time you're where you are now. It's just fear talking, all the what ifs.

Moving away isn't a decision you'll take because you're 100% confident it'll work out fine and have zero fears about it. It's a decision taken with a leap of faith, certain in the knowledge that if you stay it's guaranteed to be a continuation of the current hell. So you take a chance, with the odds stacked in your favour, that moving will work out better. It's not as if you've closed your eyes and stuck a pin in a map. You'll be giving some thought about where to move to and you'll be taking the hugely positive step of walking away from a toxic situation.

It's not a one time thing either. There's no lightning bolt from God with your name on it waiting to strike you down for daring to move away. If you move and it turns out to be a horrible mistake for some reason, you can always move again either back here or elsewhere. Truth is, unlike what your FOO believes and berates you for, it's ok to make a mistake. There's almost no mistakes in life that can't be rectified in some way.

Now is the perfect time to move. One DC will have a new secondary school soon anyway whether you move or not. The other has only just started in secondary, they're not in the middle of their GCSEs or anything serious like that.

Thank you for saying this, but I just feel so broken.
Its the scale of it that’s difficult to deal with. There are 3 extremely toxic women at the heart of it all and they are like witches around a cauldron. They’ve made it their life’s mission to try and desperately prove that it’s not them that is the problem, it’s me. They’ve made up such awful lies about me and the hardest thing has been watching people believe them. They have gone as far as to say things they’ve said and done I’ve said and done instead. They’ve twisted absolutely everything too. I’ve lost all my trust in people as a result.

ah the 3 witches of Macbeth. I would say to you that not everyone believes them but are afraid to speak openly.

Ignore the opinions of the flying monkeys because they do not have your interests at heart, they have their own agenda.

Those that matter do not mind, those that mind do not matter. It’s a saying that has served me well.