December 2024 - but we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

New thread

the hardest thing has been watching people believe them

So don't watch then. It's not compulsory. Go somewhere else where you don't have to see it daily. They don't actually have magical powers. They're arses, that's all. Shitty people with shitty minds carrying out shitty actions.

You don't have to trust anyone. Go somewhere else and trust nobody. Have conversations with those who've never met you or you them, you'll be blank slates to each other. You don't have to tell them anything you don't want to. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Wouldn't it be nice to say good morning to the person in the corner shop and for them to know absolutely nothing about you other than that you come in daily for a few bits and always say good morning? Things like that are a place to start from, to regain normal life.

You can choose to stay home all day like you do now though if you prefer. It'll be a choice though, not because you feel trapped. Start small, build an at-home life in the new location without anyone parked outside spying. As you adjust to your freedom you might want to do things outside the home.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Thank you for that. I will keep that saying in mind.
@SamAndAnnie Thank you for that reply. My DH says similar to you - that if we stay it’s a guaranteed hell. He deals with it well. He’s good at compartmentalising things, unlike me. I’m just so eaten up with it all. It’s all bottled up inside, as I said before I paint a smile over it.
My DC do notice me in some moments though, they ask me why I look sad when I think I’m hiding it well. So they do notice to an extent. I’m just not certain they would want to give up their friends if they knew it was to make me feel better, which they can’t know because I wouldn’t want them to feel pushed into moving.
Their lives currently are everything a parent wants for their child, apart from the circling vultures (FOO) who make their presence known from time to time. It makes it feel so unfair.
Its so hard.

Thank you to all of you for replying. It’s helped to talk to people who understand. Thank you for taking the time to hear me X

Thank you for this. I needed to hear this. Yes, I long for the freedom to be somewhere new, to be able to speak to new people without worrying they are flying monkeys, to go about my day without being on guard. If I didn’t have DC I would go tomorrow. I’m just scared of messing everything up for my DC. It’s food for thought though, thank you.

Can’t you white lie to your DC for now? Just tell them DH job has moved……. It could be true….

vw I'm really sorry for you and it sounds like you could really do with a fresh start. If your DH or DC were as unhappy as you are you would move for them. You matter.

I know what it's like living inside a smear campaign it made me really so fearful and in a way twisted. Not twisted nasty just bent in shapes to avoid the pain.

You deserve a clean slate.

VW, I believe children are generally fairly resilient and cope with far more than we think they can. They are also often more perceptive than we realise! Given the option to have a change in location which allows you as a family unit to be happy and settled rather than it just being them that are happy because they are settled at school, I bet they would take it. You're not being selfish by wanting to be free from the situation you're in as it will benefit everyone not just you.
It's scary to make the move but in the long term it surely must be the best option? Sending you 💪 and 💕.

@VWSC3 if your husband is able to handle this better can you not lean on him a bit for this. He perhaps has better eyes at the moment and is someone to lay a little trust in to move on. Sometimes we are part of the problem and in accepting this and letting go of the rope and letting him take hold might take all the pressure off of you. His hands are not so cut and sore as yours are. It is not your decision alone and he also gets a say in the happiness of his wife and his children. What does he want?

@Dogaredabomb That’s how I feel I think too. Bent out of shape. It’s like everything I know to be true about myself they have turned inside out. Sometimes I’m walking and my legs feel like jelly as my mind floods with everything. I also frequently have an overwhelming desire to walk into the traffic. I feel like I can’t fight any of it. They have won a game that I didn’t know I was meant to be playing. They were laying the seeds with people about me long before I went NC. It’s like they knew eventually I wouldn’t be able to tolerate it anymore and had their lies already lined up as to why it happened. I’ve been NC for a long time, but it never ends. There is always a flying monkey working on their behalf. It’s exhausting.

Thanks @StripyMug . I think that’s one of my biggest problems, I was trained at a young age to believe anything I want for myself and having any needs is selfish. I put myself at the bottom of the pile my whole life because that’s where I was taught I belonged.
So something as huge as uprooting us all for my needs is an overwhelming thought and feels too selfish. I would absolutely move if my children felt like I do, but I don’t feel I can ask the same of them.

@Happyfarm He want to move too, but for my sake IYSWIM. He can tolerate it and I can’t. I wish I could be like him. He says he doesn’t care about any of them and therefore doesn’t care what they do. He listens to me when I talk about it and sees the damage it’s all done to me, but he says he doesn’t know what to say or do to make it better, and he really doesn’t. So we are in it together, but at the same time I feel alone.

This thread has helped me a lot tonight and I appreciate all of your words.

VW, I honestly do get where you're coming from with having been conditioned to put your needs last (have experienced similar).
I do wonder though if you could somehow reframe this as prioritising your children's needs rather than yours - yes they need to be happy (wherever they are) and it would be a big change to move, BUT they also need you to be happy. That isn't your need, it's theirs. If you can't do it for yourself, could you do it for them?
Sending you a hug in case you need it. You must be exhausted - I hope you can find some peace. x

vw i feel really sorry for you and i really understand. It almost feels like you have to go into witness protection.

Picture yourself walking out of a new home and going to a new corner shop and new school gates mums and knowing that no one thinks anything insane about you.

I once thanked the local vicar for having done something very kind for me. My monster sister turned it into I fancied the vicar and wanted to have an affair with him. I stopped going to church. Everything always was up for grabs to use against me.

The thing that I'm most angry about is that I was so gaslit that I sat there thinking 'do I fancy the vicar without realising it? Did i have an ulterior motive?'

It messes with your mind so badly. Why didn't I just say 'fuck off and don't judge me by your standards you insane weirdo'. Then punch her really really hard in the face.

I once hit my brother really hard in the nads. It was worth the trouble I got into. It happened in front of witnesses, and I let him hit me several times while shouting 'leave me alone' while backing away. I actually felt bad afterwards as if I'd been evil and manipulative, instead of just a kid who had no other options for protecting myself.

I did give my ex sister a light strangling once, she deserved it for being really evil about my dc when a baby.

dogs your post about the vicar is... wow. How the hell can anyone turn thank you into something sexual?! Your sister is batshit. Hope you have a new church now.

Wvcs3 even your doctor would tell you to move away from your FOO, given your suicidal thoughts. You should definitely have a chat with women's aid, they'll understand the way your mind has been altered by all the psychological abuse. I used to feel the same about my needs coming last. It wasn't even a conscious thing, I'd just never been allowed to have any needs. Now I consider myself equal, as we all really are.

Inebriati shocking you got into trouble for that. It was self defense.

@VWSC3 your police are not very up to date.
Stalking and harassment are offences under the Protection from Harassment Act 1997.
There is also a national stalking helpline.

Take pictures of the man, his car including registration and insist on an appt with local police. If he is outside when they visit you they can go straight over and ask wtf he is doing. Even if he is a private investigator his presence is intrusive and intimidating, 2 out of the 4 required behaviors of stalking are it is repeated and unwanted. He is hanging around outside your house. Stop passively accepting a complete stranger watching you, your home, your children. You don't actually know he is from your family, start acting accordingly he could be a danger to your children.

Yes, that’s exactly how it feels. It’s why people who come from loving family’s don’t understand I think. Most peoples family’s love and care for them, where as family’s like all of ours on this thread seem to hate and/or terrorise us.

Ive had rumours like that spread about me by the Narcs in similar circumstances. They went one step further though and spread around a rumour I was having an affair with the person (I think they give away their own character when they make lies like this up, it’s obviously something THEY would do) All very hurtful, insulting and actually darkly laughable if they knew the real circumstances.

That’s the thing they do, isn’t it? They plant the seeds in your head and then they slowly grow. They like to taint everything good in your life and make you doubt yourself. Then they plant seeds in everyone else’s heads to make them doubt you. It’s evil.

I said all of this to them. I sent emails to 111 so I had a paper trail. The female handler who replied to the emails took it seriously and replied not to approach him, to carry my keys between my fingers just incase and keep my doors locked. I have photographed his car almost every day that he has been sat outside.
A male police officer then left a very patronising voicemail on my phone saying that as the man hasn’t approached me he won’t be a danger to me, that the man can park and sit where he likes, that it’s probably just part of his routine and that it’s not going to be about me or my DC and then ended the message with he was closing the case. I could actually hear he was rolling his eyes throughout.

Once you realised and you no longer see the scales why do you want to live in a town with a load of crazies whose crazy behaviour is not even up for discussion because you know it? Can I ask where the self preservation has gone @VWSC3 and how can you help yourself to get this back? We are the mothers, often the emotional head of the family and the gauge for what is and what isn’t acceptable for our family. Wherever we go we will be ok because we are the family glue, the love, it will be ok. I bet you’ll create a lovely home, don’t let this seed planted many years ago stop you from deciding what is and isn’t acceptable for your family. Its your family and your husband is on board.

I actually don’t know where my self preservation has gone. I think I’ve had so many abusive people in my life (I seem to attract them like magnets) that I feel defective and worthless. My brain feels like everyone sees me as worthless, so I must be.
With my children I’m the opposite way. If someone hurts them I over react in some ways. I don’t want them to ever feel like I do, so I defend them with everything. It’s why I feel so conflicted now. They are happy in school and have good friends and I don’t want to hurt them by taking them away from that to a place where they might not make friends or could end up bullied.
Its why I feel trapped. I wish the abusive family members could be locked up in prison so they are no threat to us, so that my DC can be happy and stay in the schools they are in. It feels unfair that the abusers get to live their lives being themselves with no threat hanging over them, with everyone lapping up their lies, and me and my family have to live like this. There is no real protection from people like them. These types of people are allowed to ruin lives.

@VWSC3 there is a protection from them, you remove yourself. Yes as I’ve learned they will carry on exactly the same but you won’t be seeing it and afraid of seeing it when you step outside. You have so much power! I think you need to stop taking it so personally, you haven’t ruined anyone’s happiness, they have and will continue to until you remove yourself as much as possible. Think of it like cancer, you don’t just sit there and let it take you, you fight it, however you can.

@VWSC3 you are in there. Just imagine what will emerge away from this all. A lot of this is just chemical brain survival stuff and its stopping us unintentionally.

@Happyfarm That quote you sent brought tears because it’s so true.
I keep saying to my DH I can’t remember who I was before. I know I wasn’t always like this. So much bad stuff has happened to me (on top of the abuse) that I’ve completely lost myself. I’m constantly in a flight or fight state, and I often just hide because it’s the only thing that feels safe.
The joke of it all is these people who have caused so much damage to my life are self-proclaimed “family orientated people”. They say I’ve walked away because I’m not family orientated, unlike them. When the opposite is true. I put up with it all for so long because I longed for it to be different, because I longed for family.

@VWSC3 I’m also a fawner, play dead and hope and wish that one day something will change. I think you’ve given it enough chance to work now it’s time to switch up that fight flight mode to flight….run away, as fast as you can. We do need these responses but we don’t always use the right one at the right time.