December 2024 - but we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

New thread

@Dogaredabomb she does still know me (although tbh, I'm quite looking forward to when she doesn't!).
You are right though - my friends do understand and those who don't don't and it's not my concern. Thankyou - this is a helpful thing to remember. I have always been a chronic people pleaser but am working on that, and this will help!

Absolutely agree. I was a whipping boy for my mother for 70 years right up to the last. On her final weeks in hospital (only she could live six weeks without eating just to spite me) I sat by her. I told my DD this was would be so much harder if I did not hate her so much. I felt really sorry for the relatives sitting with dying relatives they loved.

Two years later when her dreadful ful husband died I felt I had been let out of prison after a life sentence.

Societal expectations are a killer, it’s very hard to go against the grain and deal with rejection, opinions and comments and the looks. Not many people stop and wonder what must have happened to a person to not want to look after their elderly parent. They go straight to the judgmental crap that eventually leads to estrangement and withdrawal from society. My mum has recently fallen out with her sister over the care of their mum. A mum who abandoned them and married an abusive drunk. My mum is happy for carers etc and wants her cared for but she is adamant she does not want to do this herself. My auntie is disgusted in my mum and is doing 100% of the caring and running herself into to ground because she wants to honour what their mum has said to stay at home. My mum simply doesn’t have the emotional draw to care at this level. So now they have fallen out. My family is riddled with dysfunction.

@Happyfarm that sounds tough but good for your mum for putting those boundaries in place. Not easy though.

*Rictasmorticia *I feel like I have been let out of prison too. I was very angry with myself that I let those toads burden me for so long but now I'm just revelling in the joy of being free.

It was quite interesting to watch Mum after Dad died, she knew she'd have to behave or I'd just not bother and she did. It made me feel quite ill the smarm and trying to cosy up to me.

She was, as ever, looking out for number one. I just changed her in my mind into a neighbour who needed a hand.

Happyfarm yes, well done to your Mum.

Anyone with half a brain knows that people don't do or not do things without there being a massive back story.

One of the effects of the emotional abuse that I've noticed though is that I've become pathologically private. I have dear and trusted friends and adult dc but I don't disclose anything about my foo to new people.

It’s a decision that will one day be mine. My own mum was terrible when I was a child. She has been much better as an adult. So she has emotionally withdrawn from her parents, didn’t shed a tear when her father died. My mum has saved a lot of grace being a really wonderful grandmother and it has repaired some of the damage but as I’ve divulged her parenting ruined my early life and adulthood. You want your children to care for you out of love and respect not out of fear and obligation. Horrible emotional situation for kids of neglectful parents. Sorry.

@Dogaredabomb I am with you on this. They say Alzheimers changes the personality and it is true. Mother changed from a vicious evil tongued harpy to a sickly sweet person, always pleased to see me. Never. Impacted on me one bit. Just thought what could have been . She reverted to type one year later when she had to go into care. She was nasty to everyone.

My view so take it or leave it is to think about what you are getting out of constantly telling them how annoyed you are. For me I’ve never said it as it’s pointless, they are so emotionally immature it would be like being mad at the dog for not being good at maths.

i think it’s time to try something else ie acceptance that they can’t give you what you want and they are not suddenly going to have an epiphany and then use your energy to work on any quirks or beliefs you have ( ie apologising for existing like you’ve done in all your posts!!) as a result of your upbringing. I fear you are in danger of getting stuck in your anger and whilst it may feel cathartic in the moment it’s not moving you forward.

I say this from my own experience, therapy was great for me for a while to get it all out but at some stage it got so I was stuck. I like the analogy of the snake , if one bites you you dint go back and reason with it and ask why it bit you, you get the hell away from it.

That's so true about getting trapped in anger. I'm fearful of wasting any of my life now that I'm finally free.

I have previously used the analogy about being angry at the dog for not being able to read 😂 (my dog is thicker than average).

One thing I've realised with the foo being out of my life is that I've been able to come off antidepressants. I had always thought that I was an anxious person but the anxiety has completely gone. I was anxious because they were all barking mad.

If I get anxiety now, the first thing I do is think back to see if anyone is subjecting me to crazymaking behaviour.

Oh I love that! Need to engage with my crazy maker behaviour sensor! Brilliant way to look at it. If you start to feel crazy check that you don’t have crazy making people around you.

Hi all, I’m so sorry so many of us are dealing with these parents and the long lasting effects. I’m NC with my parents and very LC with my sister for almost a year. During periods of LC my parents have turned up at my kids school and in my neighbourhood, I won’t bore you all with the details but it was very distressing. Anyway, it all came to a head almost a year ago when I was treated badly, yet again. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I text my NM to explain that I needed time to heal and wanted to be left alone, it’s no surprise that she was unable to do this. I’m writing because I need some clarity or advice about what happened over the last few weeks.

I was out over Xmas with my husband and my kids were at home with the babysitter when I got a notification that someone was at my door. It was dark and all I could see was my EF placing bags at my door. In that moment I felt sickened and angry at him violating my privacy and my request for space. I also was worried for my kids, thankfully the door wasn’t answered. I have him silenced on my phone but a series of messages came through saying, “hi June, presents for the boys on the door” (I didn’t open the messages but could read the first few lines). What sickens me is the cheery tone, it’s so inappropriate given we don’t speak.

Last week my NM approached me in a queue in a clothes shop, I was greeted with a chirpy, “Hi June!”, that tone of voice and happy disposition is so confusing, it upsets me as it undermines our currant NC status. She chirpily asked how was Xmas and I, conscious of being in a public space, responded with “lovely, hope you a nice one too” and told me that yes, yes she did. I left feeling confused and not sure if I handled it correctly. Finally, I take a specific route while walking my dog, over the last number of months I have met my NM while out, I believe she does this on purpose. The first few times I broke out in a sweat trying to get away, often crossing the road to avoid her. But I’m left shaken and feeling stalked. Last week (just after the shop incident) she again appeared on my walk, right in front of me. Again a cheery “hello”, I said hi, I can’t stop I’m in a rush to drop my child somewhere and she then responds with, “oh really, I don’t think you do”, I can’t explain how sinister she sounded, who speaks to someone like that? I said, yes I do and turned and left.

I don’t know what I’m asking really, maybe confirmation that she isn’t a safe person to be around? That I’m doing the right thing being NC? I have a lot of guilt and sadness around this but, in my heart, I feel it’s necessary. She was always emotionally and physically abusive while growing up and when she appears like she does it triggers me. Unfortunately, moving isn’t an option as we have a lovely life here and I live in a very large town so, on paper, I shouldn’t see her very often. It doesn’t help that I agreed to meet my younger GC(narcissistic) sister over Xmas and the experience was awful. I’m just tired from dealing with the fallout of me trying to save myself, it can be a lot at times.

Im in therapy and it’s very helpful but it doesn’t help with the denial my parents seem to be in. I’m also blessed with my husband, he’s an amazing support.

Sorry for the essay but I just needed to get this down. Thanks for listening.

@junebugalice Im probably not the best person to answer being at the beginning of my journey. The only thing I’ve learned is to just let them. If they want to put on silly performances because they get something from it then just wave then or say hello then whisper some profanity under breath and forget and thank you lucky starts you don’t still believe their crap. They don’t sound safe to me.

@junebugalice if she makes you that anxious and jumpy she is not safe for you to be around and yes she is stalking you. You shouldn't have to but you need to change walk route and time. Shop online or elsewhere, at the moment she is getting a delicious pay off every time. Those of us who have set routines are so easily stalked. She will not take no for an answer so unfortunately you will need to put extra effort into avoiding her. If that fails I would have a word with 'womens aid' ref stalking and feeling unsafe, follow their advice. Xx I moved abroad which was handy for avoidance but not the answer for most.

@junebugalice also check out the freedom program, it's free. It's not domestic violence/husband situation but it is emotional/mental violence make no mistake. They will guide you through the feelings and actions to protect yourself and your children xx

That sounds so awful Junebug I think they're trying to provoke a lunatic reaction from you, probably to 'prove' it's you not them.

Maybe don't feel obliged to be polite? Just 'don't see' them and keep walking? I'd feel under attack.

My monster ex sister sent a Christmas card and I could have vomited with fear on the spot. I sent it unopened on to my best friend who checked it and binned it.

moving isn’t an option as we have a lovely life here and I live in a very large town so, on paper, I shouldn’t see her very often

Moving is always an option, it's upto you whether you choose to take it or not.
It feels like she's stalking you because she is stalking you. You feel unsafe and scared because stalkers are unsafe and scary.
Having a stalker is a very good reason to move and not tell anyone with the vaguest connection to the stalker where you've moved to.
.

Those who have mentioned the falsely jolly "nothing to see here!" tone, that drives me mad too. Mainly because I know it comes from a place of them thinking they're going to act normal and brush my bad behaviour (which is how they see the situation when I won't do whatever it is they want) under the carpet. Not wanting to lose contact with me leads to them having no choice but to "forgive" me my "misdemeanours" because they know I'll literally walk away if they challenge me on it. I walk away because it is not them challenging my "bad behaviour", because I haven't done any! My "badness" is having boundaries, that's it. Their version of challenging me is actually them trying to stomp all over my boundaries. Then they're acting like they "forgive" me when I've done nothing to need forgiveness for. I'm 100% sure they have no idea how they come across (smarmy, creepy and fake) and believe themselves the victims and think they're acting nice and doing the right thing to repair the relationship and keep contact. They'll never ever truly be able to repair the relationship because they'd first have to realise that they were the one who broke it down into nothing - and they'll never ever acknowledge that, much less apologize for it and change their behaviour permanently.

Before NC I also did the thing of mentally allocating them the status of "acquaintance I barely know" because that was the only basis on which I could attempt to continue any form of relationship. It didn't work though because they got angry at not being able to have the status they wanted which was "person in total control of SamAndAnnie, with access to every scrap of knowledge about and freedom to pass judgement on, without being pulled up on it".

I never realized the false jollity was A Thing and not just my narc's thing. It's very strange to know there's all these creepy-behaviour-clones out there acting the same way towards us all.

It's not us, it's them. They're insane.

Thanks so much for all the advice @Happyfarm @binkie163 @Dogaredabomb and @SamAndAnnie

I appreciate the validation and confirming that this behaviour is far from normal. I’ve suspected for a while that she’s a very cruel and spiteful person who seems to enjoy inflicting pain. I remember a few years back she had a falling out with her “best friend”, they weren’t speaking and she told me she was going to walk past a cafe to “catch her out” when she knew she would be having coffee with someone else. I knew back then that was messed up behaviour but I’d had a lifetime of her madness at that point so I’d somehow normalised it. It’s a relief that I’ve seen it for what it is, at least I can protect my kids from it.

A previous therapist mentioned The Freedom Program and I checked it an out a few years back, maybe it’s time I look more seriously at it.

I agree with the idea that your “badness” is just employing boundaries, same with me and probably most of us. That’s one of the main reasons I can’t do LC with her, she simply cannot respect boundaries and is mortally offended by them.

Unfortunately, I think you’re right, I’ll have to change my routine with regards walking and be more bold in ignoring her if I see her in public. Moving isn’t something I’m willing to consider right now but who knows what the future holds.

Thanks again for the responses, I appreciate them x

Hi, sorry for the delay in replying. No, my DF doesn’t drink.

DF and I do usually sweep things under the carpet but we are both in agreement that I shouldn’t be doing it this time, and I won’t.

My mum still hasn’t been in contact, three weeks now. Not even to ask how her grandchild is. I have no idea what her game plan is. Is she planning to never see or speak to us again?!

I think the majority of us have a lunatic narcissist mother and enabling ineffective father. Occasionally the other way around.

I said to Dad once if one of my dc were kidnapped and we were desperately frantic and worried the first words out of your mouth would be don't upset your mother. He agreed with me!

It's all so arse backwards.

Strangely I did manage to have a loving relationship with Dad latterly, he was a sweet man on the surface but very entrenched in the rug sweeping.

I don't know why they were so invested in what appeared to be such an unhappy and dysfunctional marriage.

Mum never shut up about their poor sex life and was disgustingly nosy about bodies and other people's sex lives.

@TorroFerney

Very good post! Thank you.

I laughed at the "apologising for existing bit! 🤣😬🙈

I agree 100% about getting trapped in anger. And maybe I should have explained that I used to always tell them and explain when I was getting annoyed. I hoped they would have an epiphany. I was practically giving them free psychotherapy sessions. Free life coaching. In the last year or so, I've stopped as it's pointless. They're just feeling attacked and getting upset and I'm wasting my time. I am indeed working on acceptance.

You're not alone in hearing complaints about your parents' poor sex life 🙄🙄🙄 Just why. I wanted to cut my ears off whenever it happened. Thankfully it wasn't very often.