December 2024 - but we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

New thread

Went and had a lunch with his family (there were members who I like to see and chat to) stood back emotionally let it play out. MIL texted me (which she never does) when we got home to tell me what a lovely get together that was. What a performance it was, I had a chuckle. Wow a chuckle and not a cry then went straight back to my personal quest to heal my life. I think that’s a small win for independent thinking me! Emotional detachment is really handy and I think it comes easier knowing that you are a good person without anyone having to validate this! Made some dates with mates and I’m teaching myself to stand in front of people as equal, someone people want to know not standing their with this voice saying these people won’t like you!

@littlemissprosseco I am laughing at your Mil fuming 😀 it will be sending her mad, keep standing firm and ignore.

I think most people are not really that interested. They are making conversation.

My response to questions about Christmas (e.g. from work colleagues) are to say "oh, we'll just be having a quiet Christmas; how about you?". People are usually very happy to talk about themselves so the conversation is immediately diverted onwards.

If anyone does probe further I find a comment such as "family is all far too complicated" or "not this year" shuts the topic down without revealing anything too much or anything that's not true.

@immersedinfog but this isn't what I talked about. I was specifically asked if I went back to my country to visit family. Not 'what I do for Christmas'. I also can't say 'we', like you did, because I am on my own.

I think going NC without having a partner or kids, i.e. your own family, is something completely else. Again, people do not understand it. Do it and spend the first, then second holiday period alone and we'll talk again and see if everyone here still manages to just brush everything off and feel absolutely fine.

Yes, I am angry.

I actually want to say @SamAndAnnie and @immersedinfog that I did not like your replies, because I do not feel you understand my situation or have had the capacity to put yourselves in my shoes. I don't think you were replying to me anyway, but had an opportunity to share how well you have this figured out. It's also so easy to say if you have other family, congratulations, but I do not and these questions and the whole holiday period affected me and many others. It is not a case of 'just say X and you will be fine'.

Adding this as a placeholder as I’ve been sign posted here by a few users.

Currently struggling with my mother as she’s not emotionally supportive and when I’m in an emotional state I grieve it more.

I want a mum who will run to me when I’m sad and hug me. But I’m never going to get that.

Welcome to the thread, Pointpoint. This is a series of support threads thats been running on this board for some time. If you google Stately Homes Mumsnet you can find some of the previous threads - you'll see your situation is not unusual and you are not alone.

I've just realised reading your post that my teenage daughter grey rocks my mum even though she probably (my daughter) isn't aware that it's a thing. It's not rude teenage behaviour as she will always answer in detail my father in law and ask how he is and what he has been up to but he's a thoughtful kind man. My mum doesn't have conversations she mines/interrogates for information, it's exhausting to be on the receiving end of. She also asks a question of my daughter, she gets about six words into a sentence then she just talks over her. She does this with me and my husband as well of course.

It's always funny to look at the birthday/Christmas cards my FIL and mum get for her. FIL will always be a to my wonderful granddaughter and he truly believes it. My mum just gets a generic happy birthday card, you'd not know that it was for her granddaughter, who is the only grandchild.

I'm sorry my reply didn't answer your question. I think just saying you were having a quiet Christmas as I suggested was a perfectly fine response to "are you visiting family" (it was the response I made when I was asked it), but you're right that I don't know you or the circumstances you are in and clearly I misjudged.

I've only recently been brave enough to post on this forum, and I thought your response was unnecessary hurtful to a person who (by definition of being here) is also suffering from trauma and going through their own challenges. I'll go back to lurking lest I upset anyone else.

@immersedinfog I didn't ask a question.

You didn't like their replies but say they weren't replying to you! No need for rudeness.

Don't let one poster put you off I know it took me a long time lurking before I felt comfortable to post about my family@immersedinfog

@binkie163 ah, sure they were replying to me, but not to ME for the sake of the context I provided. You know when someone asks you how you are and they don't really care for your answer because they can't wait to tell their story. Yeah. Like that.

I find it difficult receiving unsolicited advice from people who have clearly not had to navigate the holiday period and all that comes with it on their own on that specific subject. I find that insensitve.

Call me out for being rude, I don't think I am, I am not British and don't speak in riddles.

I sure didn't miss the paragraph that contained a ton of guilt tripping statements.

@Twatalert this forum is full of unsolicited advice, like all social media. I also don't talk in riddles you were bloody rude. Neither were taking a pop at you, not being British is not an excuse for bad manners.
Edited to say;
Your family situation is not the fault of any poster on here and no one knows what individuals go through, your anger is misplaced as we have all been through shit, it's why we are here.

Well you know the sum total of fuck all about my situation twat so perhaps you should stop making assumptions and living upto your name. I don't care if you liked my reply or not. I put it out there to help anyone reading, including you if you found it helpful. No skin off my nose if you didn't. You've got a massive attitude on you and are very oversensitive about all sorts of things, none of that is my problem. It's an internet forum, if you don't want unsolicited advice don't post, otherwise you're going to spend your entire life getting upset about things other people say. Just a bit more unsolicited advice for you there! Now let's watch you try to twist that into saying I'm telling you you can't post or some other bullshit

Point I'm not sure any of these types of parents have it in them to be emotionally supportive. Mine seemed to want the emotional support from me.

I'm glad your latest meeting with them went better happyfarm.

Thanks binkie

Immersed in fog your contribution is as valid as anyone else's. Don't be put off from posting here. You've done nothing wrong.

Hi
I've posted briefly on these threads before, I think the most recent time was probably a couple of threads ago.

I'm low contact with familly and in a different country,

A relative has died. It's not someone I was very close to but he was in my life since childhood and was generally nice to me. The last time I saw him, which was a few years ago, he was very off with me from the get go of our meeting, looking at me in a hostile suspicious way, hard to explain the look in words. It was just so random and out of the blue, it confused and upset me. I felt like maybe one of my parents had been saying stuff about me, I feel like there has been a smear campaign going on since before I even left home as some relatives would suddenly be cold to me when I'd always been polite to them and as the relationships were quite surface relationships anyway it's hard to think of how I could have offended them as an actual child! I can't ask anyone if they knew why this relative suddenly seemed to openly dislike me as I'm 100% sure I wouldn't get an honest answer even if they do know.

The death has left me sadder than I expected. I'm sad our last meeting was like this. I feel like I'm splitting into at least two people while debating going to the funeral. I don't know if he regretted how he behaved after or if he died hating me and if so, why. I asked my mother about the funeral and she never got back to me. I thought there must have been some delay in arranging it but the details appeared online a few days ago. So I feel like I'm not wanted there and would just be very alone in that scenario, away from any friends etc. I don't have a partner or anyone who could come with me. But if I don't go it's hard too. I will probably be portrayed as cold and unbothered and like I think I'm too good for them all.

Rumination has gone into overdrive, I'm losing my mind. Years and years of not knowing what people are saying about me so no chance to defend or explain myself. I am often really angry about the family situation in general as it seems to be the only way of holding onto a sense of self-protection, as I've been so brainwashed into thinking I'm always the problem. Underneath the anger is a huge amount of sadness and loneliness and that's where I am at now. I'm remembering lots of nice times or even just neutral times with my family. I'm thinking maybe I exaggerated everything - that my reactions have been out of proportion. I even want to go back in time and be there, but it was just never quite safe, even in the good moments.

I wanted to write more but too tired. That's probably good as I've written plenty! I know no one can tell me what I should do but sometimes people outside a situation can see it more clearly so if anyone has any thoughts I'd really appreciate it.

Thank you for reading.

@Lonelyscarecrow I am so sorry you are having such a rough time. Personally I wouldn't go to the funeral. It is hard but who cares what they are saying, they haven't bothered to find out from you, if you are ok. You can't pacify dysfunctional people, they thrive on scapegoating and disharmony. They don't need a reason to act like that, it is just who they are, it is not your fault. Smear campaigns are common.

Sadness and loneliness are natural feelings they will pass but it is shit. Not having an outlet for anger and other feelings means you are stuck thinking about it. I would rather physical pain than emotional pain.

LC didn't work for me. I went NC and after a few months all the internal dialogue stopped. It takes some getting used to, no drama, peace, after a lifetime of my family, it was really uncomfortable but faded into complete indifference. I no longer care what they think or say, it can't be any worse than what I think about them!
We are used to thinking we are the problem but deep down know it isn't true, it keeps us trapped in the dysfunction. Not feeling safe is a big red flag to stay away from them xxx

I wasn’t going to write but I was triggered the other day (not in an overly emotional way). I wondered if anyone else experienced this. My FIL made a flippant comment about my oldest daughter. Something about how she “should” be able to cope with something and how people shouldn’t be going around her. It’s come off the back of a meeting with the school about all the scaffolding we are putting in place to help her with her needs. It got me thinking about this internal voice of “should”. It’s a very critical inner voice I have that’s lead to a lot of shame for me, has anyone else? I’ve gone through my life with this you “should” be able to cope with this and never talking to myself nicely, never giving myself any support or allowances or asking for any. I’ve said before that I’m ND or some other kind of wiring since I can remember being 10 years old. The amount of anxiety I carried was crippling. The other day I recognised that I’ve never been as capable as people have projected onto me, I actually struggle a great deal. I wanted to be clever like my brother and “normal”. It just got me thinking how it doesn’t even have to be obvious abuse, simply projecting what you think is enough to destroy a child.

Thank you so much for replying @binkie163 I think your advice is good - I wish I had gone NC years ago as now my parents are quite old and frail and it feels so brutal to do it now. I feel so upset I've never had the chance to tell people my side - my story is bursting to get out of me. Thanks I really appreciate your help - it was really validating what you wrote.

@Lonelyscarecrow Dont burst, share it here or in an email to yourself, sometimes just getting it off your chest helps. It also gives you a written reminder to look back on when you doubt yourself.
My parents were old and frail when I went NC my mum became exhausting in her demands for attention, I just didnt have the energy any longer for her bullshit. I didnt go to my mums funeral, I never gave it a 2nd thought. They rely on us feeling guilty and being dutiful.
My parents were alcoholics, their life was one big party. I was neglected as a child & teenager. I grew up full of shame, unwanted, unsafe and unloved. I was a far better daughter than they deserved.
Do not feel bad because I will guarantee you that they dont feel bad about anything they have done xx

@Happyfarm you or your husband have shared details about your daughter, the daughter your in laws don't like and you are surprised they are using that information to be unkind? Stop exposing your daughter to people who want to inflict emotional harm on her.

She wasn’t there I took your advice to keep her away. That’s what I was getting
at, the damage people do just by opening their mouths into your ears. This is info I’ve talked about before listening to you and the meeting triggered what a mistake it was to have talked back then. I’m on a no info diet with many people from now. It was a good lesson I was never taught, when to keep your mouth shut!

@Happyfarm if it was me I would have walked out without saying a word to show you will no longer tolerate it. You could tell them to mind their own business but I suspect they would enjoy that, so just walk out. Better still stop going to see them and allowing them to treat you like shit, it isn't good for your self esteem. Stop putting your hand in the fire.
Same with phone just hang up, no explanation needed.
yes over sharing with people who wish you harm is never a good idea.

Edited to say;
You said yesterday it went well, set your bar higher. Stop going let husband go alone. Really not good for your golden child to hear how nasty they are about her sister. She will soon work out they are also rude about her as part of the scapegoat family.

It was a conversation in the past that made me think the other day after meeting at the school. Back when I was talking to them thinking we had a “normal” relationship. I haven’t mentioned anything to them for a while and the last lunch meet up I didn’t talk about anything personal. It just made me realise the harm being done to little ears. It made me remember the shit I've internalised over the years not wanting to allow myself to not like something for example because someone else said I should. My daughter actually has the best come back and I’ve even had her say it to me “well I’m not you am I” then gives me attitude lol! Then I’m usually like yeah you are right (but less attitude please).

Yeal the lunch went well in the sense that it didn’t trigger me into a mess like it has. But yes I thought after I wrote it that it was a performance and is this really what I want for my children. But at the end of the day he takes her with me or without me because I don’t own her and I can’t stop him.

@Happyfarm I cant remember if I have asked before but would your daughter chose to go without you? if you said for instance I thought we would do something fun together while dad is out visiting (bowling, shopping, whatever) would she rather hang out with the miserable old fuckers than with you? your husband can not force her to go. I know when I was young I would have chewed my own legs off than go and see my mums mother, I refused to go.