December 2024 - but we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

New thread

Thank you for the recommendation - I will check it out. I think me trying to understand the 'why' is because of the enormous guilt I feel... but they pile that guilt on me, for the most part.

@TorroFerney I went NC so dont have contact. Clean break, I dont have to worry about them being twats, they can do and say whatever they like, I am happily oblivious. I am occasionally triggered by random stuff but shut it down quick, I dont need to know why just that it most likely reminds me of something my mum would have done or said.
@Daisyvodka I mean this kindly, they dont heap guilt onto you, you take it on, you can choose not to. Guilt is only an emotion, it wont harm you, just let it pass. Guilt is better than years of resentment x

I feel like that sometimes. DH tells me that I've got decent family, because I've got him and my kids (and by extension, his family) but sometimes the pain of having no-one from my side is so sharp. And it really is no-one. Went NC with my family and after that, all the relatives on that side of the family cut ties with me. Not one of them ever reached out. It's not surprising, really, because I think he would have demanded that from them. On the maternal side, I never really knew any of my mother's family, because we didn't see them when I was a child despite them living in the same town (he kept us very isolated). The only person I knew was my grandmother and she died decades ago. No aunts/uncles/cousins. Siblings I have no real contact with. I don't even know what we'd say to each other. Big age gap, so we didn't grow up together and we were never close.

When other people talk about their siblings, nephews and nieces, their extended family, I've got nothing. I often wonder what it's like to have people who have shared history and who knew you when you were young. People you can call when you need help.

You are so very right. 'It won't harm you, just let is pass' - I think i need that on a post it note on my fridge!

Why is it so important that these people like you? And what is you feel that the other DIL does that you don't? (and vice versa)

I suppose it is because I have never had it from my own family or from my marriage. The DIL is just accepted. I know that this is because she has been moulded since getting pregnant at 17 and grown up with them. She is like them and I am not. I can’t because I don’t live my life thinking I’m better than others and I’ve come into it older and with lots more life experiences. I lack the confidence to be sure of myself. It’s a dream I’ve always wanted and never had, I have to let it go but it’s hard when it’s in your face all the time. I guess lots of us want this and it’s hard when it’s not just my own family but now this family also. It’s VERY hard not to believe it’s me. But then I’ve got good people also so I need to concentrate on them. It’s time to drop that rope because it’s only hurting holding on for something that I’m sure was in place before me. It’s not me but a pre existing weird dynamic. I’m embarrassing myself trying to be nice to them.

It's still not clear what she's doing that's so different, though. But having a baby at seventeen is a tough ride. You're going to be totally out of your depth, and you're going to accept whatever support is there. I think it's also very difficult for young dads to parent their children without proactive parental support. I wouldn't compare your situation to hers. Totally different. Of course there's a lot of involvement and support - she had a baby when she was basically still at school! They are all going to be close because of that.

Maybe you're getting in your own way here a bit. The other DIL isn't important. What she does with them isn't important. It's her business. It sounds like she has known them longer than you have, too, which makes a difference, because you're entering a situation where there are already established roles and routines.

All you need to be able to do is make polite small talk if/when you see them.
What they do/don't do with DIL isn't your business.

What do you want from this situation?

@CheekySnake yes, same here. The only people I had to cut off were my parents. My brother I'm technically not NC with, but there has been no real relationship for a long time. At least he doesn't bother me.

I have to cut off my mother's mother. I say I still have to because I'd only speak to her on mine and her birthday. So I just won't make that call on her birthday. She's already become a flying monkey. Like my mother she isn't a good person.

I have six cousins. No contact for decades because our parents fell out when we were children.

I have a 'nice' aunt, but she will have to go too. I have my bar really high now, and although she isn't obviously abusive I don't find her a safe person. Like not very accepting of others and quite dysregulated, so there is the walking on egg shells.

I only have my niece, who's a child. I will be so lucky if I can keep contact into her adulthood. She's the only person out of this family I actually love.

@Happyfarm the rest of the family including your husband is happy with the way things are. They don't see a problem only you, so you have become the problem. You can't join a family and expect them to behave how you want, no matter how dysfunctional.

Perhaps if I’m more like the other golden DIL then I will be accepted also. Vying for attention and acceptance, forgetting who I am and the values I hold.

That comes across as really snipey about Dil, tbh her relationship is really none of your business.

I know. Sorry I didn’t mean to be snippy. I just have been told outright since about 2 months in that it’s a shame I’m not like her. I should have backed away a long time ago and not got bitter about it, but it’s hurtful.

Its only half the family as that others that are ostracised are lovely also.

I sound awful like I’m expecting to come in and have the same relationship as other people. I didn’t and I don’t. I expected respect and some interest so that we could create our own relationship. I expected to be greeted and welcomed and not us left out so that our relationship could grow outside of his brother also. I have let it got to me for sure. I expected too much.

It's not that you expected too much, it's a normal and healthy expectation, it's just that it's not one that they are going to meet and there's nothing you can do to change that.

It's about acceptance now. Accept them for who they are. There are plenty of other people in the world to form relationships with.

I know it’s sinking in. It’s extremely difficult for me to get past the rejection with my ADHD. It’s very very hard to bypass this with understanding and tie it down. I’m sure that’s noticeable.

I think what you need to step back from is torturing yourself with the idea that they have done it for her so why can't they do it for you.

You and her are different people therefore the relationship will always be different. Your DH is also himself and not his brother, and that will have an impact too. You don't need the level of enmeshment that she has with the family.

Her situation is very, very different to yours. A baby at 17. Of course she's had an unusual level of support and involvement. Would you want that? I wouldn't. I would think that I had dodged a bullet, personally.

Take the lead from your OH. It's his family.

Our MIL never did anything to help them when the baby was young. That’s what I find so weird. My partner has said that it’s been quite a recent thing that all of this has started. I wouldn’t be giving anyone that level of attention when they haven’t done anything to help. But then that is me. And you are right. We’ve had no help at all with the baby, no visits, no hope you all ok, no calls, no nothing. It’s not something I can grow a relationship on.

@Happyfarm
I expected respect ..... I expected to be greeted and welcomed 😮
All the old sayings you have to love yourself before anyone else will, respect yourself, no one else is responsible for your happiness. Stop looking for all these things from his family, stop obsessing about them, what you think is fair, what you want, why you are not getting what you want. They dont owe you anything, get on with your life.

I know all this logically. It’s the pain of the rejection that I struggle with. It’s really heightened with my ADHD and I often just want it to stop. I thought by them liking me it would make it go away. I’ve been thinking very wrong. I need to work on this rejection sensitivity. It’s like a strong deep feeling, like part of a brain I can’t reach. No contact is the only thing that has ever worked. I need to work on being strong enough to follow it through.

It's just a feeling, though. It's just nerve cells firing and interacting with each other. That's all it is. It's not something to be afraid or ashamed of, and even strong feelings pass given enough time.

I also don't think it's healthy to tell yourself a story that you feel things more than other people do because ADHD. You really don't know that. You only know that it's strong in you at the moment. Yes, it's a strong emotion, but almost everyone has strong emotions sometimes and about certain things, it's normal. You can't compare. It's not results on a maths test. It's subjective.

Yes, it hurts right now because you don't feel you have been welcomed in the way you wanted. But it will pass. Might be worth looking at the five stages of grief, because I get the sense you are grieving a relationship you hoped for but didn't get.

@Happyfarm
I agree with @CheekySnake everyone feels rejection, it hurts but it is not a competition. I am hf autistic. I remember being blocked from a hobby fb group because one lady didn't like me, it felt unjust, I was upset/angry/ embarrassed for a few days but then thought fuck that I don't want to join any club that would have me as a member 😀 cheers Groucho. We all risk rejection every single day.

Might also be worth looking up emotional dumping, you risk alienating people. You have had a lot of good advice over the months but you don't seem to take any of it on board continuing to obsess daily, it isn't healthy.

Happy new year everyone! Thanks for all the sound advice!

New thinking. We connect with who we connect, even family, no forcing. Concentrate on those who do. A small circle is much more authentic than being accepted by everyone in a watered down version of yourself.

Just to say that "rejection sensitivity" is not a symptom of ADHD at all; this is a common myth, propulgated by "influencers", that has absolutely naff-all to do with ADHD. It's not in the diagnostic criteria; it's just a completely made-up extra "symptom".

Not sure why this myth began. Tbh I suspect it has something to do with the fact that being highly sensitive to rejection IS a symptom of a psychiatric disorder, but it's a disorder that nobody wants: borderline personality disorder (or emotionally unstable personality disorder, as it's now known).

Worth a read: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0165178118303081

I'm not saying that you have BPD, @Happyfarm (personally I think psychiatry is a crock of shit, and that BPD is just psychiatry's latest rebrand of "hysteria"), but it might be worth look into for a couple of reasons:

1. Just in case any of it resonates (it seems that you are quite invested in your ADHD diagnosis, so you might have more faith in psychiatry than I do!, and I know that people who are invested in their diagnoses tend to get a lot of relief from knowing that they're not alone, that others also have that "disorder", etc.)

2. There are all sorts of bullshit myths around BPD - probably the most damaging one is that it's untreatable. This is not true. BPD responds VERY well to a treatment called Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT). Even if you are subclinical, i.e. you don't have BPD but you have some characteristics of ot (the main ones are emotional volatility, intense fear of abandonment and rejection, self-harm, basically being at the mercy of your moods), DBT tools can be incredibly helpful. There's a book called The Dialectical Behavioural Therapy Skills Workbook that people swear by. And you could look for a DBT therapist / group in your area.

Please don't take any of this the wrong way! Just sharing in case it's helpful.

I have an ADHD diagnosis too, if it's any consolation (the OG version lol: hyper/impulsive). Not 100% sure how I feel about it still, even though I was diagnosed a thousand years ago, but the meds do make me easier to live with, I think - less of the "bouncing of the walls" that characterises the disorder!

My partner has a lot of BPD characteristics due to severe childhood trauma. She is so incredibly sensitive to rejection - or anything that could even POTENTIALLY be interpreted as rejection - it knocked me for six at the start of our relationship, hence me swotting up on it! A silly amount of my friends are psychologists (make of that what you will lol), which has helped, ha.

I hope your 2025 is more peaceful, and I'm sorry you're struggling.

Hi everyone, and happy new year!
I hope this festive season was, at worst, tolerable for you all. It's a very difficult time for all of us, I presume.

I didn't visit much the last thread as I was dealing with many life changes! I'm now headed for a major one, and starting to feel antsy as I know my mother will try to spoil it. And I know it is beyond her reach (she doesn't hold any power over my life or my family's), but the little child in me is sad and anxious with anticipation. It is a major milestone for me, one that I would want to celebrate if it were my DC who achieved it, and that I would love to share with my own mother of course. But instead I'm keeping it from her until it's a done deal, just as I did with the births of my DC. Just as I've always done with anything precious and important throughout my life...

What a jolly first message of the new year, eh? 😅

Wishing you all the best 💐

@LoveIsAVerb I have read up on this before. I was told I have C-ptsd along side ADHD. As a young child I didn’t speak till age 4. Didn’t know how to communicate to get my needs met so have never really learned. I was left long into adulthood not really understanding how social situations work. So now it hurts an awful lot. My mum can’t read or write and dropped out of school age 10. My daughter also is under diagnosis for hyper activity and impulsivity and also not getting social situations at all. I stick by the labels but I suppose it’s irrelevant really as I’m sure it’s all very complex. I have some of the points of BPD but not all and I think that’s why the diagnosis of C-ptsd was made. I’ve read about that undiagnosed ND can lead to this.

Another word for rejection sensitivity is a fear of abandonment, which is almost impossible not to have with childhood trauma. The things this fear made me do or not do are impossible to describe.

@Happyfarm I cannot speak about ADHD as I'm not affected, but I find that a lot of issues/symptoms overlap across the different diagnoses. It's probably hard to know which is because of which.

I do sometimes find people describing their ADHD and me thinking 'isnt that normal' or 'this could well be cptsd or something else'. Obviously it doesn't always come across in writing how much a person is implicated by something.

Intellectualising is a trauma response by the way. All the analysing forever and ever kept us somewhat safe in childhood but it is so damaging in adulthood. It leaves as disconnected from ourselves.