December 2024 - but we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

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You worded it exactly how I was telling myself. I will remove myself out of the equation so as not to keep upsetting them and them in turn upsetting me. I think we have to word this differently to ourselves. I will remove myself out of the equation as I value myself and I won’t put myself in situations where I can’t be anything but myself and comfortable. The fact that they don’t have the decency and the awareness to think outside the box and get to know different people with different thinking is not our problem.

My mother has gone, the first thing my youngest said was 'she complains a lot that's why no-one wants to talk to her' 😐

I'm in the post visit sadness now but it will pass. She ignored me kids the whole time. Never tried to talk with them, show an interest in what they're doing, spoil them. Parked herself on the sofa and never left it except if there was food on the table. Never asked if she could help with anything. Was either complaining or telling me about another new thing she's bought herself but is so, so mean with me. It's all just so odd. She makes me feel like I don't matter except as a service provider.

If I ever treat my kids like this they can disown me. I will deserve it.

@CheekySnake I hope once the nerves settle you feel better.

My eldest has just returned from her dad’s. She has known the girl friends parents for half that of my partners and she already calls them nanny and grandad. Imagine that, actually putting aside your own shit feelings and allowing a small kid to call you what they wanted so she doesn’t feel left out. Mine still wants to be called by their names, the relationship isn’t there anyway as they treat her different. It just cements really that you can only get the relationship from someone that they are willing to give you, even though it hurts. I always felt that people were all good and decent deep down and all you needed to do was make them understand and they would see that you were good. I don’t anymore.

@Happyfarm we can't fix these people by being 'good enough' for them sadly.

@CheekySnake you must be glad it's over. Even your son knows. Kids know everything until they don't.

@CheekySnake woooohoooooo freedom. Your husband won't make that mistake again although I suspect you were much more inconvenienced than he was. Kids pick up on everything it's why it is so important to protect them from dysfunctional people, the damage is for life and kids remember all the shit xx get a well earned rest.
@Genuineweddingone your son will benefit from small family/friends than have those fuckers in his life xx

@Twatalert @binkie163

Thanks both.x. I agree, my kids know. Sometimes I worry that I've influenced them over this (I mean I have, I can't deny that. But then I remember that by the time she could walk the eldest would blank my mother, would ignore her totally, and that my mother had no interest in the younger and didn't try to hide it and I don't feel so bad.)

Never let her darken your door again.

Of course your kids know. They’ve been far more astute than their dad here in particular.

And has he said anything about the last couple of days now that his mother in law has finally gone home?.

He's doing what he always does - looks like a weight has been lifted, has said well she's gone now so no point worrying/dwelling on it.

I read a quote that said not to take the behaviour of others personally as it’s just a reflection of where they are with their own growth. I thought this was very good. It makes a lot of sense that lots of us have had to grow an awful lot and perhaps we are just further along the scale. We see things that other people have yet to develop. I’ve always thought people were just better than me but I’m starting to think that maybe I am just different after all I’ve been through. I expect a lot more from people who don’t have the experience to give it. I don’t know about others but I find it hard to relate to people whose growth has them in a different place? I don’t want a big house or money or possessions, holidays etc. I want calm and peace and loving connections.

I know I ramble a lot. I think the realisation of my situation (childhood then my marriage) and the abuse has been hard to swallow and my own behaviour challenges because of this. But I really thank you all for all the advice and the listening. Because of this thread and you all I tell my children I love them so much more because I never want to leave them in any doubt. Talking and sharing does have lots of power. So even if you think that you don’t matter you’ve all mattered to me.

Had a brief conversation with DH last night about my mother - told him that i find it really scary and sad that you can end up widowed with children who barely talk to you/don't want to see you, and grandkids you have no relationship with.

He said she'd made her bed 😶 which was the first time he'd been less than sympathetic towards her. So the visit has definitely changed things.

@CheekySnake that's good. Hopefully he will remember how he feels now. In any case, he shouldn't have a say in what kind of relationship your mother has with your family. She abused you and you don't want her over. Should be enough.

I was thinking more about it today, and it occurred to me that my mother doesn't even like me very much. DH has said before that he thinks she's jealous. There was an really odd thing she did when she was here, whenever I did any cleaning/tidying when she'd make sure to tell me that she doesn't do that any more b/c she has a cleaner. I thought to myself well when did you ever? When I was little our house was always dirty. When I was a teen I was told cleaning it was my job (not just chores/helping out, but all of it - 'we've decided it's your job to clean the house'). Then her second husband did all the housework.

In hindsight, how pleased she was to tell me she didn't do cleaning was about her saying she was doing better than me in that regard. She doesn't have to do dirty jobs but I do. Otherwise why bother saying it so often.

@CheekySnake my MIL makes endless comments about my cleaning. I try and give a good clean when I have visitors coming over. Her comment about this is that nobody is looking, no one cares. I do. I think it’s all just a way of invalidating you. You aren’t allowed to be anything.

@CheekySnake your Xmas wasn't great but it has done you a favour because you will never put up with or invite that shit into your home again. Husband will not want a repeat performance unless he is happy to host her while you pop to a spa break for the duration. It's a win 🏆

Any therapist recs in London?

I feel the lack of family connection so profoundly today. The one I wish I had growing up, the one I will never have. The longing for something healthy is so strong today. I wonder what they talk about me.

@ToBeOrNotToBee have you checked the therapist register yet? Impossible to give a recommendation as it depends on what you are dealing with as well as the chemistry between you and the therapist. Some offer a few 15 min call or something like that, but mostly I think one has to fork out for this first session and see. Given that you are on this thread i would probably stay away from CBT.

Shit you know when you realise you have indeed been sucked into the dynamic. Perhaps if I’m more like the other golden DIL then I will be accepted also. Vying for attention and acceptance, forgetting who I am and the values I hold. They are like magnets to those who are a little vulnerable. I hate the fact that I have a part of me who just wants to be accepted but my god I want it to be for who I am authentically. Time to step back and keep doing what I was doing and that’s improving myself. I talk about this on social media about how important it is to work on yourself and how the only competition is that with your former self. They label me selfish and it has derailed me somewhat.

It's hard but stop over analysing it. As others have said, a crap childhood does not give one a free pass. I do sympathise though as I have one of those, I just used to feel pity for her, but now I know she should not have been sharing those details of her childhood with me as a child and that two things can be true, she had a poor childhood and is emotionally damaged/not very bright but also she shouldn't have had a child and her parenting was poor. Having my grandad living with us (unnecessarily as in it wasn't some desperate situation when I was a child and then a few years later when very drunk telling me and my dad that he had abused her when she was a child, awful to happen but also why did you let him live with us??

I've said this on loads of threads but it's the analogy of the snake bite. If a snake bites you , you don't stay there and try to work out why it bit you, you get away as quick as you can. The snake may have had poor role models growing up or may have had a lovely childhood but the effect of the bite is the same!

I think you are maybe describing a lack of emotional intelligence - have you read Adult children of emotionally immature parents by Lindsay Gibson. May be worth a look.

@TorroFerney totally agree. Needing to over analyze is still actively staying in the drama, rehashing it ad nauseam is not changing your own behavior or moving forward. It doesn't matter why people are shit, it just matters that you stay away from them and stop reacting to the bait.
2025 stop trying to change people who are trying to change you. Ironically it's a power play by both sides both wanting to win. Walk away, drop the rope.

It’s hard to do sometimes isn’t it, you get trauma bonded or perversely get something out of the drama. This is a very minor thing but My mother signed her Christmas card to us just „from“ so no love or a kiss and didn’t get her only granddaughter a separate card. Very indicative of her general lack of interest/selfishness. I keep opening it and looking and comparing it to the lovely cards from my fil. Just tormenting myself. I need to take my own advice!