December 2024 - but we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

New thread

I know, What I meant by polite is that it was beautifully worded, my bad!
It was her usual passive aggressive shit wrapped in the most lovely words

wow she sounds really rude, that email was really passive aggressive. Hate that!

Start saying no to her . Do not be her transport serf on New Year’s Eve!.

I’ve honestly never met a character like it.
Shes truly special

My dad’s mum was a Yorkshire lady and she was bit like this. She wasn’t narcissistic but she spoke without holding back.

This is me. I have never learned to just walk away from relationships if they aren’t what I want them to be. I somehow think I have some control over the outcome, a hang up from my childhood. Ive only recently realised that I’ve been doing this.

Well having just watched my mother rush to the table for yet another meal, having not offered to help with anything at any point, after spending most of the week parked on the sofa pissing about on her iPad, having said probably less than 10 words to both of my kids, it really hit me that she did just come here to behave like she's had 5 days in a hotel. That's all we are to her. A bleeping free hotel.

Trying to swallow the anger. She leaves tomorrow morning. DH's patience dried up this morning - he put on a film (that I had told him not to put on b/c I knew she would complain about it) and she complained about it in a way where you could tell she thought she was being clever but she just sounded like a dick. I saw his face and I just knew. Next time, he needs to remember that feeling.

Hi all. Hoping you'll take a new joiner to the thread, one whose struggling to untangle a relationship with a parent.
It's not as bad as some of the things you have all been going through, which I'm so sorry to hear - i have gasped reading some of your stories and I hope you all find a little peace this next year.
I'll probably come back and add more detail, but I suppose a question:
When the person in question has had a rubbish childhood of their own, with many bad behaviours modelled, and aren't very... bright, themselves - certainly not emotionally intelligent (sorry, sounds so harsh) ... how do you untangle that?
This person explodes with anger defensiveness, blame etc if they even get a hint that you are accusing them of wrongdoing, but once in a blue moon they do the 'I'm awful, I always fuck things up' and because they are so hot to anger they don't take anything in, and so emotionally unintelligent these almost seem like flashes of awareness... except it's very surface level 'i never say the right thing'... how do you know if this is genuine. Because I think they believe they are being genuine, because they just aren't smart enough to emotionally manipulate at this level... they do manipulate, but they do seem genuinely unaware that that's what they are doing, because the way they do it seems so reactionary... i don't know if I'm making any sense. I guess what I'm trying to say, how do you differentiate between malice and just... genuine inability to process normal emotion/situations?

cheeky snake

Never do this to yourself re your mother ever again. Your kids are owed that much too because the adults in their lives have been taken for fools. She should have gone today frankly given her behaviour .

Let this be an abject lesson otherwise you could end up running an unprofitable b and b for her benefit going forward. She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not changed one bit. and do not swallow your anger either, aim that at both your h and your mother. You need to do some thinking too.

Yes this is me, and I’m 55

Daisy

Many people have rubbish childhoods and do not go into treat their children in the ways they were. It’s a choice. It looks like your parent is emotionally immature and never wanted to seek nor sought the necessary help. Drop the rope this person holds out to you and further reduce all social interaction with them. I would also read about DARVO re your parent too.

@Daisyvodka hello, what do you mean by not very bright? I assume just not sharp but not disabled.

Every person on the planet lacks awareness about things they do. It's never a free pass. It doesn't matter if they plot to manipulate or do it because it's a habit and that's all they know. They are responsible for their actions.

You don't have to logically decide if they are being genuine or not. Trust your gut and what you expect from a relationship. People with below average intelligence aren't automatically dicks. The fact that you are asking the question makes me think you don't trust it's genuine.

And it probably isn't. True awareness often leads to changed behaviour. If it doesn't then maybe there is trauma and a psychologist might help. That's still not your responsibility. Working through deep rooted issues is no walk in the park. Highly intelligent people take years to do that. It takes a willingness to truly change and commit to the change. Many people start by reading books or watching tiktoks, but ultimately a person has to start somewhere and if there is no start, just promises, that wouldn't be good enough for me. You get a chance and maybe another but then that would be it.

No, she was a terrible parent, albeit the safe parent. When I was younger I thought she was ok although the bar was so low it was under the floor. It was my job to protect/support. Once I had my own kids I began to see how bad that was. I'm struggling at the moment, I'm aware of that. I just did 6 months of CBT (which I think DH was hoping would reduce the anxiety my mother causes me) and came out of it feeling that she was even worse than I'd let myself think she was. I was coping when she was abroad. I didn't have to put in any effort to keep her at arms length or further. Now I do. She's just been so shit this whole visit. Not nasty as such, just bad mannered and self absorbed and lazy. I'm so embarrassed.

@littlemissprosseco I would honestly say that you had a complete win, result. I don't care she wasn't happy and I'm glad she fecked off asap. Pat yourself on the back xx

The reality is, I disappeared off with the kids and DH dealt with her!!

@Daisyvodka you don't unpick it. You don't accept it. Bad childhood no excuse, mine was shit I am ND and I know if my behavior is unacceptable.
At some point they go too far, you realize they will never change, in fact they usually get far worse the older they get. You then have 2 choices, continue to be abused or walk away. I always thought there was a 3rd less drastic choice but of course there isn't.

Yes a sob story childhood isn't an excuse and we shouldn't accept it as one. My father played that game. No thanks.

If she was the supposed safe parent what on earth was your dad like?.

You need more than just CBT and it was likely the wrong therapy type for you. You need to address your childhood along with your fear obligation and guilt re your mother with a therapist. Look for a BACP registered one.

The embarrassment you feel is totally misplaced because her behaviour is all on her. You are not responsible for her and never have been either. It’s not your fault your mother is like this and you did not make her that way.

@CheekySnake cbt won't help this type of anxiety only abstinence from the cause of the anxiety.
I was surprised by how much constant low level background noise & anxiety even at VLC it drained all my energy. NC removed the direct triggers. I still get triggered occasionally and it will always be behaviour that reminds me of my mum. I know to walk away from it now.

He was utterly terrifying. Violent. Issues with drug use. Monstrous if he drank. Regularly broke things in the house on purpose. In hindsight he should've gone to prison for it. There was financial abuse. He stole things from shops/museums. It's hard for me to explain what it was like, really. He was such a nasty piece of work. I lived in absolute fear of his moods. I've still got issues, I know that. I had to absolutely squash myself down to nothing to cope with it.

@CheekySnake I’m so sorry.

Wow, well that’s me told on a nutshell.

Thank you

Ill stop making excuses for her from now

I had CBT, it’s was useless. It was like a little scratch on the surface. I had issues eating outside of my home or with anyone else that I went with. The CBT did absolutely nothing to ease my anxiety. It was all rooted in hyper vigilance stemmed from my childhood. I absolutely can’t second enough literally just removing yourself because I think in situations like this it is the only thing that you can do. Your body just remembers, it’s in all the cells of your body. Your body doesn’t like this like it doesn’t like a lion or a huge spider or fire etc, it’s deep rooted survival.

CBT doesn't work for childhood trauma/cptsd. Cptsd is when situations cause a reaction in you that is disproportionate to the situation and you being an adult. These reactions are from the past to past situations you get reminded of today.

You cannot reason your way out of that. You need to process the old emotions and establish safety for your nervous system.

I had CBT two or three times. A total waste and effectively I was mistreated by the NHS.