SIL had an affair and run off with the kids

BackoffSusan · 2024-12-18T20:59:03+00:00

Earlier this year SIL started behaving rather recklessly - lots of drinking at home, disappearing for over night benders with my brothers best mate, saying she wanted to stay in a hotel on her own and she hated being "just a mum". She'd only been married 6 months but I thought she was having a breakdown or depressive episode. She then instigated a separation from my brother in April. They both went their separate ways, and then in June it transpired she was in a relationship with my brothers best mate and been having an affair. The best mate then moved away in September - about an hour and half away from the town where she and my brother lived. Then last month she disappeared with the kids. Up to this point my brother had been seeing the kids twice a week with an overnight stay on the weekend. My brother has no idea where she is. We assume she has moved in with the new bloke but she and new bloke have blocked everyone so we can't contact any of them. Brother has submitted all the paperwork for a child arrangement order but has been told it can take a really long time. I tried messaging her and ringing but she didn't reply, and then blocked me. I only asked if I could send the kids their Christmas presents or see them. I don't really know what else I can do. Social services and police have been very unhelpful. It feels like they just signpost to each other and now she has left the local area it's hard to know what to do.

Sassybooklover · 18/12/2024 21:05

To be honest I think your brother needs to seek legal advice. Disappearing with the children, without telling your brother is awful. The damage your SIL is causing to her children, will be enormous. Does your brother know his ex best friend's family? If he explained the situation, would they tell your brother where he is? Assuming they even know!! How old are the children?

Catoo · 18/12/2024 21:14

What a pair of twats.
Your poor brother.
All you can really do is support him as much as possible which I am sure you are.

Sounds like he’s doing all the right things, and it’s very frustrating he’ll have to wait so long. If he wanted to find them you could hire a PI? But what good that would do I am unsure. I guess he could then contact the DCs school if they are that age to make sure he is on their contacts and informed of they are moved again etc.

💐

Original poster

BackoffSusan · 18/12/2024 21:16

@Sassybooklover he has seen a solicitor and filed all the paperwork for the child arrangement order but they have just said that all he can do is wait and that at some point he will get to see his kids again. But it might take a while. He has 50/50 parental responsibility so he has a right to see them.
He doesn't know ex best friends family or at least a way of contacting them and the ex best friend didn't really have any other friends. He was a bit of a loner. It all came as a bit of a shock because 2 weeks before she disappeared she was asking to increase the number of visits my brother had with the kids as she was wanting to spend more time with the boyfriend (overnight trips etc). The kids are 4 and 8. I don't really know what else to do. I don't think there is anything. I also wonder what the kids are thinking. I'd hate for them to think we abandoned them. They were used to regularly seeing their grandma (my mum) too so they've essentially lost a chunk of the family. SIL wasn't working either so I can't contact her through work.

OP posts:

FlickeringFairyLight · 18/12/2024 21:30

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comedycentral · 18/12/2024 21:40

Don't stop maintenance if he is paying, as it could be held against him in court.

It's scary how one parent can disappear with the children, and the other parent has no support or help from the police and social services.

I'd contact the police to see if they can do a welfare check and a Clare's Law check or similar on the partner, because this behavior is unusual.

ARichtGoodDram · 18/12/2024 21:41

Has he asked the police to do a welfare check?

Onlyvisiting · 18/12/2024 21:43

Could he afford a private investigator to find them? Would it speed things up if solicitors/police had their location?
Not suggesting he goes there in person, just gets an address for the solicitos. ,

Original poster

BackoffSusan · 18/12/2024 21:44

@ARichtGoodDram he contacted the local police where he lives but they told him to contact social services and social services told him to contact the police. My mum (the grandma) also contacted social services and requested a welfare check as she had concerns about the kids based on how they were when she had last seen them, things they had said, how they looked etc. Social services just told her that the kids were not on the system but they would look into it and they had my brothers details. We haven't heard anything since.

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comedycentral · 18/12/2024 21:49

Does anyone know if they are still going to school?

ARichtGoodDram · 18/12/2024 21:52

BackoffSusan · 18/12/2024 21:44

@ARichtGoodDram he contacted the local police where he lives but they told him to contact social services and social services told him to contact the police. My mum (the grandma) also contacted social services and requested a welfare check as she had concerns about the kids based on how they were when she had last seen them, things they had said, how they looked etc. Social services just told her that the kids were not on the system but they would look into it and they had my brothers details. We haven't heard anything since.

He should get back onto the police and tell them that his ex and children have just vanished off the face of the earth and nobody can get in touch with them and that he’s concerned for their safety.

Whilst they won’t tell him where the children are they should at least set eyes on them and see that they are safe.

When it happened to SIL she basically reported them all missing. She had to push as the police tried to brush it off as a custody issue, but them just vanishing isn’t - it’s a welfare issue firstly.

Wimberry · 18/12/2024 21:53

Police or social services can't do welfare checks without an address.
The only option he has is through the court.

Original poster

BackoffSusan · 18/12/2024 21:54

@Onlyvisiting I think the solicitor said they they can find the address via the previous school that the kids went to because they must know the new school for the transfer - again assuming she couldnt take the kids out of school without . She took the kids out of school and said they were moving away but the school did not request any permission or notify my brother. Which we found odd. I didnt think they were allowed to do that. He has since contacted the school, governors and local MP to try and determine how that could happen. But again, no response as yet. She does claim benefits so I wonder if she can be tracked that way.

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RockyRogue1001 · 18/12/2024 21:55

comedycentral · 18/12/2024 21:49

Does anyone know if they are still going to school?

I was coming on to say this.

The school will know the new school they've been enrolled at.
Dad can reasonably ask for this if he speaks to the HT

Original poster

BackoffSusan · 18/12/2024 21:56

@RockyRogue1001 well this is the thing, the school is refusing to tell my brother any information apart from the kids left and told him to speak to social services. So now we are wondering what SIL told the school.

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InkHeart2024 · 18/12/2024 21:58

BackoffSusan · 18/12/2024 21:44

@ARichtGoodDram he contacted the local police where he lives but they told him to contact social services and social services told him to contact the police. My mum (the grandma) also contacted social services and requested a welfare check as she had concerns about the kids based on how they were when she had last seen them, things they had said, how they looked etc. Social services just told her that the kids were not on the system but they would look into it and they had my brothers details. We haven't heard anything since.

Neither police or social services have any power or jurisdiction here. Social services don't do welfare checks without concerns that meet their threshold for intervention and her running off with the kids doesn't meet that. Police can't do anything as she has PR. Don't look to either of those agencies for help, it's the family court he needs.

OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 18/12/2024 22:01

I would continue to contact the police and social services with the emphasis on ex wife and children being missing. A welfare check is the least they should do.

Original poster

BackoffSusan · 18/12/2024 22:02

@comedycentral he was paying maintenance until recently, i dont knownif its stopped or just decreased the amount. He had a life threatening health episode (think stroke/heart attack) (which is exacerbated by stress) and the frequency of those episodes had increased dramatically in the last few months so he had to stop working until he can get back on track health wise. But obviously this isn't helping. He's devastated.

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InkHeart2024 · 18/12/2024 22:03

OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 18/12/2024 22:01

I would continue to contact the police and social services with the emphasis on ex wife and children being missing. A welfare check is the least they should do.

Police won't conduct a welfare check because a woman has moved to a new area with her children. And social services actively can't conduct a welfare check unless a certain threshold of concerns is met and the process for assessment is followed.

Original poster

BackoffSusan · 18/12/2024 22:05

Yes @InkHeart2024 that's what we have been told. It's so frustrating. There are gounds to carry out a welfare check and this has been passed on to social services but we haven't heard anything. I suppose social services will decide whether they think one should be carried out. I have a friend who works in social services and she said not to get our hopes up, they are over stretched and everything takes a long time.

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RockyRogue1001 · 18/12/2024 22:08

BackoffSusan · 18/12/2024 21:54

@Onlyvisiting I think the solicitor said they they can find the address via the previous school that the kids went to because they must know the new school for the transfer - again assuming she couldnt take the kids out of school without . She took the kids out of school and said they were moving away but the school did not request any permission or notify my brother. Which we found odd. I didnt think they were allowed to do that. He has since contacted the school, governors and local MP to try and determine how that could happen. But again, no response as yet. She does claim benefits so I wonder if she can be tracked that way.

Sorry, we cross posted.

A parent can absolutely pull a child our of school and say they're moving away.
However, the children will be enrolled at a new school, and the old and new schools will communicate with one another.

A parent can completely reasonably ask (or put in a foi) for name of new school. As long as no police/ss/court decision to not let that parent know new school name, the old school will release that info

To be VERY clear, if there is any suggestion your brother has in any way abused his wife or child/ren, no professional will pass this information on to him.

comedycentral · 18/12/2024 22:09

BackoffSusan · 18/12/2024 21:56

@RockyRogue1001 well this is the thing, the school is refusing to tell my brother any information apart from the kids left and told him to speak to social services. So now we are wondering what SIL told the school.

How awful! You must be distraught as a family.

Original poster

BackoffSusan · 18/12/2024 22:09

I think it's one thing to not see them. But to not know if they are OK, not see any pictures, not speak to them. And kids change so much at that age. In the space of 6 months they will have lost their home, their dad, grandma, aunt/uncle, pets, moved schools.

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comedycentral · 18/12/2024 22:09

BackoffSusan · 18/12/2024 22:02

@comedycentral he was paying maintenance until recently, i dont knownif its stopped or just decreased the amount. He had a life threatening health episode (think stroke/heart attack) (which is exacerbated by stress) and the frequency of those episodes had increased dramatically in the last few months so he had to stop working until he can get back on track health wise. But obviously this isn't helping. He's devastated.

He's really going through it isn't he. Poor guy.

ARichtGoodDram · 18/12/2024 22:11

InkHeart2024 · 18/12/2024 22:03

Police won't conduct a welfare check because a woman has moved to a new area with her children. And social services actively can't conduct a welfare check unless a certain threshold of concerns is met and the process for assessment is followed.

Show quote history

She hasn’t just moved though. She and the children have simply vanished.

And whilst they shouldn’t give the OP’s brother information of their whereabouts in case she has fled him for a reason (that is where the courts come in) they absolutely should do a welfare check on children who’ve just vanished without the knowledge of one of their parents.

InkHeart2024 · 18/12/2024 22:11

BackoffSusan · 18/12/2024 22:05

Yes @InkHeart2024 that's what we have been told. It's so frustrating. There are gounds to carry out a welfare check and this has been passed on to social services but we haven't heard anything. I suppose social services will decide whether they think one should be carried out. I have a friend who works in social services and she said not to get our hopes up, they are over stretched and everything takes a long time.

You have to bear in mind that a threshold of harm or risk has to be met before social services can get involved and if so, at what level. Even if they do accept that an assessment is needed it's still only done with consent. They are rarely able to just tip up to someone's house without prior consent, only when the threshold of significant harm is met. Plenty of people are less than brilliant parents but they don't meet the threshold for social services involvement.