SIL had an affair and run off with the kids

[BackoffSusan]

Earlier this year SIL started behaving rather recklessly - lots of drinking at home, disappearing for over night benders with my brothers best mate, saying she wanted to stay in a hotel on her own and she hated being "just a mum". She'd only been married 6 months but I thought she was having a breakdown or depressive episode. She then instigated a separation from my brother in April. They both went their separate ways, and then in June it transpired she was in a relationship with my brothers best mate and been having an affair. The best mate then moved away in September - about an hour and half away from the town where she and my brother lived. Then last month she disappeared with the kids. Up to this point my brother had been seeing the kids twice a week with an overnight stay on the weekend.
My brother has no idea where she is. We assume she has moved in with the new bloke but she and new bloke have blocked everyone so we can't contact any of them. Brother has submitted all the paperwork for a child arrangement order but has been told it can take a really long time. I tried messaging her and ringing but she didn't reply, and then blocked me. I only asked if I could send the kids their Christmas presents or see them. I don't really know what else I can do. Social services and police have been very unhelpful. It feels like they just signpost to each other and now she has left the local area it's hard to know what to do.

Yes you're right it was a 5am answer, I have corrected myself. I meant that only the partner will be given the information disclosed. I'm not police, I never claimed to be.

I wouldn't be so sure that the school know the name & address of the new school
There is a case in Ireland at the moment of a missing boy
His school were told he was moving across the border to a school in Northern Ireland (approx 30 mins from where he lived in roi)
No follow up was done by the school to ensure that he had started there. He remains missing and it doesn't look like there are any repercussions for the school so far.

This happened to a colleague, he reported his children and ex as missing to the police, he applied to the courts and hired a private investigator. It only took three weeks for them to be found, mum had moved in her new sex offender boyfriend and thought she would get away with it. As he had previous convictions my colleagues children were home with him very quickly as their mum wanted to continue living with her new sex offending boyfriend.

If the school are ignoring his PR he can formally ask for all information relating to his child, this will include any information regarding a new school as they will have sent a CTF over and recorded the name of the nee school on their MIS.

@NC10125
We need to snap out of this frame of thinking, that women are always the victim of abuse. Lots of harm is being done to children because society can't accept that women can be just as selfish and abusive as men. Women are not always the victim & each case should be judged individually.

The kids in this op are being damaged by their mum's sexual desires & obsession with a new bloke. She was cheating on her dh, no sign of abuse; just an obsession with shagging her new fella.

I would report the kids as being kidnapped by the best friend, this might get things moving a bit faster. Potential child abuser targeting a woman with suspected MH issues & vulnerabilities. This is what I'd suggest your db do.

The assumption seems to be the mum's taken off with them so they're OK, but how does anyone know that? How does anyone know she's OK herself? Everything else aside shouldn't someone check that the children are well and ok, that they're alive, that they're enrolled in school, that they haven't fallen through the cracks. The thought that a woman and 2 little kids can disappear like this and all the authorities just assume everything's OK without even checking is scary. Not telling the dad, understandable. Just assuming they're fine because their mum took them not ok at all.

This sounds very distressing. This is a difficult question but is there any chance at all that your brother might have treated her badly? Usually when a woman disappears with her children without giving a forwarding address it is to escape an abusive man. I know you will be loyal to your brother but if he is the one feeding you all the information about her it might be worth checking out other sources of information about her too just to double check. If you are absolutely sure that this is not the case then can you think of any other reason why she might have done this? I hope you manage to get some info soon it sounds very upsetting for everyone involved.

He can also petition the courts to get the council to release school information. That's what my ex did. Even with the non molestation order in place he got it granted and he found out their school. So I wouldn't count on abuse being a factor either.
In scotland if it makes a difference

Im another one saying you’re wrong on this. They’re not missing, they’re with their mum. Police would not be obliged to class them as missing people. It’s a family court matter. It’s not laziness on behalf of police, it’s about not being overly intrusive in family life.

There will be a huge background to this that even the OP may not be aware of. I would absolutely not be surprised to find that there was allegations of DA in the background.

Even if you do this and police locate them they won't tell OP's brother where they are.
The only way to progress this is through family court.

Freedom of Information requests do not work like this. They do not give information that breaches GDPR. The Police/SS can do checks if they believe there is a welfare concern. But they won't give your brother information on the DCs whereabouts, only let your brother know the DC are safe, and they will only check if they believe the DC are at risk. The correct procedure is to go through the court, who will trace the mother and then they can go through family court. Your brothers solicitor will have advised him of this. He needs to follow the procedure. I know it seems worrying to you OP but like you say, you don't know much of what has happened. Leave it to your brother.

Can anyone check to see if they are re registered at a nee school?
Also if you end up having an inkling of an idea of areas . Call around the schools and ask if ——- are present today ?
Your brother has the right to know if they are .

The school cant tell him the address but they can confirm if the kids are there.
Although this is maybe something better done after the Xmas holidays .

Do you know roughly where they have moved to? You said about an hour and a half away, do you know the town/city. Could you check electoral roll?

Does she not have any family you can contact? Did she have a local? Does she have a previous landlord, could you get a forwarding address from them? Does he have access to any bank accounts, hers or the children? There are multiple ways to find someone. Can you get someone she doesn't know to try and contact her, someone she would not have blocked, to let her know that if she doesn't make contact immediately to let you know the children are OK the police and social services are going to be involved?

He needs to go back to the police with his video evidence and report the children missing with a vulnerable parent (MH & drinking).

I think I'd be visiting all the schools in the area the new bloke lives at drop off/pick up in the hope of seeing what school the kids are at.

Report the DV and evidence to the police, having found out where the kids are to collect them with permission of the police.

OP just wants the authorities to do a welfare check and report back that the kids are OK.

The most dangerous person in a child's life is a new step-dad, and as these children have just disappeared from their dad's life, it is reasonable for him to want that reassurance.

As your SIL's new partner was your brother's best mate, he must know his family quite well. Could he contact them for information?

I hope he has cut off any access to money that they previously shared. Smoke the nasty piece of work out.
And iI hope he gets main custody as she is clearly thinking more about her sex life than her children

I know OP wants this. But this would be an inappropriate intrusion into private family life unless there is actual reason to think they are at risk of harm. I am aware of stats around step fathers and abuse, but just the fact that they are now living with an unrelated man isn't evidence of harm.

People who want police and social services to have the kind of powers called for here would be furious if someone sent the police round to check on them on the off chance that something bad might be happening.

I can't believe some posters on here 'stalk schools' 'stop providing for the children, starve them out'. Clearly all a man needs to say is 'my ex was crazy' to bring out the worst in some women. Go through the proper channels, continue to provide for the DC.

Try the nspcc although without a address that will be prob impossible keep reporting to the police regardless they will eventually go around their

Is the new bloke your brother's best friend @BackoffSusan ?
How come if he is your brother's best friend he knows so little about his family ?
How long were there friends for ?

If I disappeared with my children and their father, my friends and everyone didn’t know where I was then I’d absolutely want the police to check on them.

I say this regularly though on threads where people are furious about school/police/social services intervention - if people want something done in a horrific cases then we need to accept occasionally something might be done to us if our kids say something worrying or they vanish.

They shouldn’t tell the OPs brother exactly where they are, in case they are fleeing him for good reason, but they should set eyes on the children.

And that’s exactly what happened when SIL’s ex disappeared with their children. And on a previous thread on here when the OP’s ex took her children. The slow court process was needed to get them back, but a check was done when they were taken without warning.

NSPCC have no powers either. The most they ever do is refer to social services but as you say that's not possible without an address

Surely, if you move in with a new partner and move with your children to an unknown location without informing the child's other parent, you wouldn't be surprised if the police came to your home to do a welfare check.

It would be unrealistic to assume that the other parent wouldn't try and find you and would just accept the loss of their children.

This might seem like an unpopular opinion, but I do think social services should have been involved depending on how reckless the behaviour was. If SIL’s breakdown impacted the children, she could have received mental health support and there might have been some sort of family counseling or talking therapy being offered. She might be in a vulnerable position where she is now isolated from everyone she knows. And this might not be out of choice but to appease this other man, who I am assuming is OP’s brother’s “best” friend.