SIL had an affair and run off with the kids

[BackoffSusan]

Earlier this year SIL started behaving rather recklessly - lots of drinking at home, disappearing for over night benders with my brothers best mate, saying she wanted to stay in a hotel on her own and she hated being "just a mum". She'd only been married 6 months but I thought she was having a breakdown or depressive episode. She then instigated a separation from my brother in April. They both went their separate ways, and then in June it transpired she was in a relationship with my brothers best mate and been having an affair. The best mate then moved away in September - about an hour and half away from the town where she and my brother lived. Then last month she disappeared with the kids. Up to this point my brother had been seeing the kids twice a week with an overnight stay on the weekend.
My brother has no idea where she is. We assume she has moved in with the new bloke but she and new bloke have blocked everyone so we can't contact any of them. Brother has submitted all the paperwork for a child arrangement order but has been told it can take a really long time. I tried messaging her and ringing but she didn't reply, and then blocked me. I only asked if I could send the kids their Christmas presents or see them. I don't really know what else I can do. Social services and police have been very unhelpful. It feels like they just signpost to each other and now she has left the local area it's hard to know what to do.

Could a request be made under Sarahs Law for a check? If there is something to report then the police / social services can/ will follow-up.

I know this is a hard question to answer, and there is no pressure to answer it here.

Is there any chance that he has done anything which has made her think that he might be violent or abusive? Or anything which could be constructed like that? Even at the end of their relationship when it was bad?

Her actions make much more consistent sense when viewed in those terms. Could she have left because she is scared of him and protecting the children.

This is exactly what it sounds like to me and there's now a whole thread giving this poster tips on finding them. Dangerous.

@NC10125 not that I'm aware of but I don't live nearby so I don't see them regularly. I'd be very surprised, but I suppose it's possible in the sense anything is possible. It's true maybe I'm only hearing one side of the story. I never sensed any tension between them or witnessed any arguments. Neither of them had ever mentioned any disagreements. They have been together for 15 years and only married last year. At the wedding they seemed like a really happy couple, genuinely in love, a lovely family.
The only thing that sticks out in my mind - my brother said that when she started drinking earlier this year she would come home drunk and be abusive, as if she hated him - there wasnt anyyhing he could do to make her happy. He didn't tell me at the time because he didn't want anyone to know and thought she was depressed. It sounds very out of character and not the SIL I knew. But he's since shown me videos (after she instigated the separation) he had taken of her physically attacking him, and being verbally abusive - calling him ugly and old etc. To be honest I just thought it was because she was having an affair and wanted to leave him and was frustrated about it and her drinking exacerbated the situation.

I don't really see how she could think he had done something recently to make her think he was violent or abusive because he hadn't seen her since April apart from handover/drop off with the kids and nothing untoward had happened on those occasions. He had recently told her he was seeing someone about a month before she left. He was trying to move on with his life. She had asked to increase the amount of time/contact he had with the kids and they had been doing so.

I do think she is besotted with the new bloke. Before she cut her friends off they had raised some concerns that she was appearing to be completely enthralled by him, head over heels and in their opinion he was taking priority over the kids. So I think she was prepared to do whatever necessary to make a life with him, but this does feel drastic.

Then he needs to ask the specific question

And his his legal advice hasn’t flagged that point then they’re not very good. It’s basic when children go off radar.

@FlickeringFairyLight I'm so sorry that happened to you. That must have been awful. Did you get to see your other family members again?
I will add that after they separated, they lived in the same home for about 6 weeks whilst they both organised new homes to move into. He slept on the sofa, she had the bedroom. He suspected the affair then but she denied it, said they were just friends. Whilst things were not amicable between them, they were civil. They weren't hostile. They co-parented. There weren't any arguments or fighting except for when she came home drunk and became aggressive. And she was coming home some nights/mornings with what looked like love bites on her neck. There was no argument/row/violence that im aware of. No calls to the police. My brother was devastated, he spent most of the time in work, crying or trying to convince her not to leave, bending to whatever she asked of him.

Sil will have painted a bleak picture of your brother to cover her tracks hence getting information from the school will not be forthcoming.
Given all that's been going on with children and new boyfriends in the press I'd push like hell for that welfare check.

@Thevelvelletes yes that's the conclusion we came to. We know she stopped the kids from ringing my brother in the evening but on some occasions she told them "daddy doesn't want to speak to you or he's too busy" so god knows what else she has said.

Legal advice asap. He has parental responsibility and she absconded. This is illegal. A friend experience this - got sorted in court

Has he reported the assault to the police? As he has video evidence it should be taken seriously. Social services should also be taking the kid's welfare more seriously when presented with evidence that she's a violent alcoholic.

I mean, apart from the fact that he HAS called the police and they haven't done anything, so I'm not wrong.
They aren't missing people. They have moved away without telling him where they have gone. You should know, as a police officer, that there is a difference. Basic questioning of the guy about the mother's circumstances (new relationship, moved to be with him) will clarify she's not a missing person. Police don't waste their time chasing down parents who have moved their kids away without telling the other parent.

It's not illegal! Why do people give bogus information about what's legal and what isn't on the internet! It would only be a legal matter if the father had a court order preventing her from moving away. And even then it would be a civil matter not criminal.

Only a current partner can make a request for a Sarah's law check

This is inaccurate.

Can your brother go to the police (physically turn up) armed with this information, with videos of the ex showing she’s acting out of character, drinking etc, stating the violence is since meeting the new guy.

I would be genuinely concerned about the welfare of the children. We know plenty of cases, where children are abused / neglected / killed by once a new man is involved with the mother allowing it to happen. And I would be citing this to the police.

It sounds as if she is behaving very irrationally and erratically.

I know, as a police officer of many years, that the threshold to take a missing person report is for someone to report someone else missing and have no clue as to their whereabouts.
It may surprise you to know that missing person reports are filed for teenagers that have stayed out past curfew, for men that have went on work nights out and stayed out all night without telling wife where they are, the threshold is surprisingly low, the only things we need to have are a person reporting that as far as they are concerned, another person is missing, and us not being able to immediately clarify that they are not.

As an adult, I could send my parents a text message and say I’ve decided to move elsewhere and want no further contact and I’d bet much be classed as a missing person if they decided to report me as one to police.

I don’t know, and neither does anyone in this thread, exactly what OPs brother has told police regarding the circumstances, I do know that some cops will do anything to avoid a bit of hard work if a loophole allows but “we” would very much be obligated to class her and the kids as missing.
After all, we can’t actually say for certain that she, or particularly the kids, haven’t come to harm, this needs to be followed up. Because if it isn’t, we risk a horrendous situation where mother and/or kids could potentially have come to harm and nobody would ever know. That’s why a cop needs to lay eyes on them all to confirm welfare.

incidentally, depending on how the circumstances were described to officers when OPs brother contacted them, it’s not a huge surprise that it was brushed off, what he needs to do OP is to say that ex and kids have disappeared into thin air, no clue as to their whereabouts, no forwarding address or school details, he has huge concerns over their welfare/wellbeing.

a school only needs one parent to deregister them, not both parents.

Again, totally incorrect. Jesus I hope you’re not actually a cop. If you are you must have about 5 minutes service and need to get more training pronto.

Do you feel the children are particularly vulnerable? Have you expressed this to the police? The police are doing less welfare checks these days in order to focus on crime, however if you are worried please contact the police again. It must be awful for your brother.

Find and check the children are alive tell dad they are alive? They won't tell him where they live they should tell him they do live

In case you missed it op, the suggestion was to put in a freedom of information request to the school to discover which school she has enrolled the children in.

yes you're right, apologies, what I meant was the information will only be disclosed to the partner. Not to the person who makes the request.

Why do you think they wouldn't be alive? Jesus. People want authorities to have far more power over their lives than they should ever have a right to have.