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Original poster

SIL had an affair and run off with the kids

127 replies

BackoffSusan · 18/12/2024 20:59

Earlier this year SIL started behaving rather recklessly - lots of drinking at home, disappearing for over night benders with my brothers best mate, saying she wanted to stay in a hotel on her own and she hated being "just a mum". She'd only been married 6 months but I thought she was having a breakdown or depressive episode. She then instigated a separation from my brother in April. They both went their separate ways, and then in June it transpired she was in a relationship with my brothers best mate and been having an affair. The best mate then moved away in September - about an hour and half away from the town where she and my brother lived. Then last month she disappeared with the kids. Up to this point my brother had been seeing the kids twice a week with an overnight stay on the weekend.
My brother has no idea where she is. We assume she has moved in with the new bloke but she and new bloke have blocked everyone so we can't contact any of them. Brother has submitted all the paperwork for a child arrangement order but has been told it can take a really long time. I tried messaging her and ringing but she didn't reply, and then blocked me. I only asked if I could send the kids their Christmas presents or see them. I don't really know what else I can do. Social services and police have been very unhelpful. It feels like they just signpost to each other and now she has left the local area it's hard to know what to do.

OP posts:
InkHeart2024 · 18/12/2024 22:13

ARichtGoodDram · 18/12/2024 22:11

She hasn’t just moved though. She and the children have simply vanished.

And whilst they shouldn’t give the OP’s brother information of their whereabouts in case she has fled him for a reason (that is where the courts come in) they absolutely should do a welfare check on children who’ve just vanished without the knowledge of one of their parents.

Show quote history

Really no. Police don't have the authority or the capacity to do a welfare check simply because a parent has moved the children away without the other parent's consent. There has to be actual evidence that the children are at risk of harm. They will tell the father to apply to court and that's it.

Original poster
BackoffSusan · 18/12/2024 22:13

@RockyRogue1001 well we are wondering what she has told the old school because they are not willing to say anything, just redirect to social services. But social services say the kids aren't on the system. We are going round in circles.

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 18/12/2024 22:14

Seemingly every day we hear in the papers about children being abused and neglected by their parents and now nobody in authority is doing anything about these poor children. It's absolutely outrageous.

ARichtGoodDram · 18/12/2024 22:16

BackoffSusan · 18/12/2024 22:13

@RockyRogue1001 well we are wondering what she has told the old school because they are not willing to say anything, just redirect to social services. But social services say the kids aren't on the system. We are going round in circles.

He should put his request to know the new school in writing.

Some school will (understandably) try not to get in the middle of disputes, but putting things in writing means they have to fully explain why they’re not giving details that your brother is legally entitled to as he has PR.

What they say in reply, and how any refusal to give the information is worded, will likely be very telling on why they are taking the stance they are

InkHeart2024 · 18/12/2024 22:17

healthybychristmas · 18/12/2024 22:14

Seemingly every day we hear in the papers about children being abused and neglected by their parents and now nobody in authority is doing anything about these poor children. It's absolutely outrageous.

What exactly do you think 'authorities' should be doing? They are with their mum. She's clearly acted badly but expecting authorities to step in is bizarre.

Original poster
BackoffSusan · 18/12/2024 22:18

@healthybychristmas yes exactly that. My fear is that the ex wife is so besotted with the new bloke that she's not thinking straight, or thinking of the kids. The irony is, if she had said she wanted to move in with the new bloke or move away (not far away), it could have been considered. I think my brother would have preferred it in some ways so he didn't have to worry about seeing them together in their home town.

OP posts:
Marshatessa · 18/12/2024 22:18

I would report the children as missing to the police. This is out of character and not planned. They will then need to complete enquiries and a welfare visit to establish the children are safe.

Original poster
BackoffSusan · 18/12/2024 22:19

@InkHeart2024 I don't think any of what has been submitted to social services will meet the threshold for a welfare check.

OP posts:
Original poster
BackoffSusan · 18/12/2024 22:20

@Marshatessa he tried that. They said to speak to social services.

OP posts:
ARichtGoodDram · 18/12/2024 22:21

Have the school actually confirmed to him that there is a new school?

Even without saying where it is they have confirmed there is one?

As if there’s not a new school who’ve registered them the school should have flagged it up.

InkHeart2024 · 18/12/2024 22:22

Marshatessa · 18/12/2024 22:18

I would report the children as missing to the police. This is out of character and not planned. They will then need to complete enquiries and a welfare visit to establish the children are safe.

No, they won't. They aren't missing, they are with a parent.

InkHeart2024 · 18/12/2024 22:23

BackoffSusan · 18/12/2024 22:19

@InkHeart2024 I don't think any of what has been submitted to social services will meet the threshold for a welfare check.

It's going to be the family court then. And yes it's really slow. I am sorry, maybe it will fall apart with new bloke and she'll be back with tail between her legs.

Endofyear · 18/12/2024 22:23

If I were your brother, I'd engage the services of a private detective. They should at least be able to find out where she is.

Original poster
BackoffSusan · 18/12/2024 22:26

@ARichtGoodDram the school announced in assembly that the kids had left/were leaving to go to a new school. A school friend told their parents who then told my brother. Although by that point it was too late.

OP posts:
Original poster
BackoffSusan · 18/12/2024 22:32

@InkHeart2024 I suspect it will fall apart with new bloke. Being a single parent is hard. I still can't get my head round it all. I also didn't think she would want to give up her benefits by moving in with the new bloke but I can only assume that's what she's done. But she's apparently blocked all of her friends too. It's as if she upped and left, and left her old life behind.

OP posts:
ARichtGoodDram · 18/12/2024 22:38

BackoffSusan · 18/12/2024 22:26

@ARichtGoodDram the school announced in assembly that the kids had left/were leaving to go to a new school. A school friend told their parents who then told my brother. Although by that point it was too late.

But when he spoke to them and they refused to tell him they confirmed the children had been registered elsewhere? Or did they just say that they had left? Because the two aren’t the same.

It takes time for that to happen, but if it hasn’t been done in a timely manner then the school should flag it up.

Original poster
BackoffSusan · 18/12/2024 22:49

@ARichtGoodDram I'm fairly sure they just told him that the kids were no longer there. They didn't mention the new school.

OP posts:
Justgoodforthegetting · 18/12/2024 22:50

OP I work for the police and in my force (I imagine most UK forces will operate in a similar way with reports such as this) if he rang up, explained the situation and said he wants to officially report his ex and kids missing, police would be absolutely obliged you take the missing person reports and start conducting enquiries to locate them all.
When they are located, police may not pass their new location to your brother depending on what ex tells them but at least he will know they are safe and will have a starting point.

Justgoodforthegetting · 18/12/2024 22:53

InkHeart2024 · 18/12/2024 22:22

No, they won't. They aren't missing, they are with a parent.

Show quote history

Yes they are, and yes they will. All of them are missing as far as OPs brother is concerned. He has no idea of their whereabouts and no contact with any of them.
police will conduct missing person enquiries. I know this because I’m a police officer.

Assuming there’s not more to this that OP isn’t aware of.

Justgoodforthegetting · 18/12/2024 22:55

InkHeart2024 · 18/12/2024 22:13

Really no. Police don't have the authority or the capacity to do a welfare check simply because a parent has moved the children away without the other parent's consent. There has to be actual evidence that the children are at risk of harm. They will tell the father to apply to court and that's it.

Show quote history

You are really wrong.

Tahlbias · 18/12/2024 22:59

Omg, I do hope they're ok. Your poor brother and and children 😔

rebelrun · 18/12/2024 23:00

Try this group, your DB will at least be able to get support and legal advice from those who have been in a similar place
https://fnf.org.uk/

Home | Both Parents Matter

Empowering Families: Children thrive when they maintain positive relationships with both parents, even after separation or divorce.

https://fnf.org.uk

FumingTRex · 18/12/2024 23:04

Does he know where the new partner works? Are you sure no relatives are in contact? Have you tried looking on social media with a new profile?

Hesonlyakidharry · 18/12/2024 23:05

Has he hired an investigator? Hire a private investigator to find them, then go to their new school to collect them. She can then chase him through the courts for access.

sparkletin · 18/12/2024 23:05

Everyone thought I'd had a breakdown when I left my ex. In reality he was a liar and a cheat but nobody knew that, nobody asked me, they flocked around him so I blocked them all and started again.

Are you sure you know everything?

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