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Original poster

Partner doesn’t drive.. resentment

122 replies

Feduptaxi · 16/12/2024 16:27

nc for this.

My partner of coming up to two years can’t drive. He grew up in London, so hasn’t ever felt the need to, no other reason. He’s 35 now. I drive and own a car. Our whole relationship he’s been telling me he will learn, and had maybe 5 lessons over the summer.

It has now dropped off completely. For various reasons we are living out of the city at the moment and need to drive to the nearest station. For various reasons we are having to visit lots of family weekly, around 2-3 hours drive away.

I’m getting more and more resentful of it. He keeps telling me he will pick it up in the new year but hasn’t even booked his theory yet.

I’m finding it suffocating as public transport where we are stopping is sketchy so if he wants to go anywhere, it’s together (gym, shops, station). Any holiday we go on, if we have to hire a van, it all falls on me to make the arrangements and do the driving. If we go out to meet friends and need to drive, he can obviously sit and have a drink while I play taxi with a Diet Coke. He’s also quite happy to get lifts off his family when we go there, if I don’t bring the car.

No DC yet. He’s keen to start TTC but I’d like him to drive first, to help with appointments.

I don’t think he understands how tiring it is doing hundreds of miles of driving each week. He will buy the occasional tank of fuel but doesn’t contribute in any other way to the running of the car.

Money isn’t an issue, he could afford to do an intensive course if he wanted.

I’m thinking of gifting him a theory test booking for Christmas but I’m not sure if that will come across passive aggressive.

He is generally a wonderful partner. I don’t particularly want to start dealing out ultimatums but the reality is it’s starting to impact how I look at him as a partner.

OP posts:
JohnRedding · 16/12/2024 16:38

If be making myself less available for his gym and stuff where possible

Birdseyetrifle · 16/12/2024 16:38

No way would I put up with that. What a lazy man! He’s clearly enjoying being chauffeured around and paying bugger all.
This would be a deal breaker for me.

ProfessorInkling · 16/12/2024 16:40

Does he know you don’t want to TTC until he’s learnt to drive?

Mumlaplomb · 16/12/2024 16:41

Either tell him you won’t be driving him anywhere anymore unless he pays half your car tax, insurance and fuel and seek the cash upfront, or tell
him you won’t be giving him any lifts anymore so he will need to pay for taxis etc.

Mrsttcno1 · 16/12/2024 16:43

I wouldn’t necessarily make it an ultimatum but I’d stop with the driving unless you want to, why would he ever learn when you are taking him everywhere anyway? If he suddenly can’t get to the gym or the train station he will realise that actually he does need to learn to drive, while his life is continuing perfectly as normal with you driving him around he is never going to be motivated to learn. If I could have all the benefits of driving with none of the hassle and none of the costs involved I wouldn’t be rushing to learn either!

No more driving him to the gym, no more driving to the train station, no more driving to the shops, if it’s his family you’re visiting then no more driving there. Once he realises how stuck he is while unable to drive he’ll get those lessons booked in.

CatamaranViper · 16/12/2024 16:46

My DB doesn't drive and his LTP has to do it all. They ended up having kids despite saying they both wanted him driving first and it's a logistical nightmare. They work in the same area but different shifts. He has a 90 minute commute on public transport or a 30 min commute by car so obviously they all benefit more if she drives him. If the kids are sent home from school/nursery, it's her who has to collect them as it would take him too long to get there and then get them home.

Long story short, he is making her life harder in order to make his own life easier.
If your DH won't do something relatively straight forward in order to make your life better, are you okay with that?

Meadowfinch · 16/12/2024 16:49

Get him an electric powered bicycle. He doesn't need a driving licence and will at least be able to do his own commute. Better for the environment too.

If he moans about the weather, just shrug. He needs to take responsibility for himself.

RandomMess · 16/12/2024 16:51

My DH doesn't drive and where we have lived and his hobbies and work are dictated by him being a non-driver. I rarely give him a lift and he never assumes I will and rarely even asks.

The lifts to the gym etc need to stop and he needs to start paying out for a taxi for both of you 50% of the time.

That will either help focus his mind or end the relationship.

The resentment will kill your feelings in the end as he's taking you for granted in a big way.

FeelinTwentySixPointTwo · 16/12/2024 16:56

In my experience, people who don't drive generally fall into two camps:

  1. those who are independent, resourceful and capable and refuse to let it be a barrier for them. You may not even realise these people don't drive as they don't moan, don't turn up late complaining about buses, and holiday all over the place using public transport. They tend to have the awareness and the life skills to realise that being a designated driver is a pain, so don't rely on other people to ferry them about.

  2. those, like your DP, who are happy to let other people drive them about. They either don't know, or don't care, that driving can be tiring and not at all enjoyable, and are fine to let other people pick it up as "they're going anyway", "it's not far out of your way" or similar. I find the neediness of this group really unattractive. If you want to drive and you want the flexibility of a car then - if you can - bloody learn to drive yourself.
    Honestly, I think it would be a red line for me. I don't like people being over-dependent on me at the best of times and like partners to be able to look after themselves. It would give me the "ick", for want of a better phrase.

yogpot · 16/12/2024 16:56

I was a non driver when we first moved to a rural location. My husband was very kind with helping me out - but I rarely asked and was quite happy cutting about on the buses and walking whilst I learned. Because I was bloody mortified that he had to take the brunt. This was also before we married and joined our finances, and I paid half all the car costs and fuel too - my idea.

Why doesn’t he care that your life is made much harder in order to convenience him? I was so acutely aware of it the whole time!

AmethystRuby · 16/12/2024 16:57

book his theory for him and get him some learning cards. it looks like he's very laid back about it so you have to make it happen.

Original poster
Feduptaxi · 16/12/2024 17:12

I think the biggest one that is winding me up is Boxing Day. We are seeing my family on Christmas Day, and his are a 2-3 hour drive away. We are spending Boxing Day with them, but the trains to where we need to be arent running as normal, so it’s just been assumed that muggins will be chauffeuring us up the M1 and back. No ask.

He is always grateful after I do give him a lift but it’s wearing thin.

Agreed that it’s time to stop making it so easy for him.

I think part of it is that if I’m going anyway (gym, shops), he will just come with me as I guess it gives him an excuse to get out. But then neither of us get the independence.

On the TTC point, it’s been discussed that he has to learn if we get to that. But I can fully see a situation like the above happening

On the electric bike point, as funny as it would be I’m not sure the reality of him doing a 112 mile journey up the M1 would work! We’ve agreed that once he does pass (at this mythical point in the future) we’d share my car.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feduptaxi · 16/12/2024 17:15

Thanks for the responses everyone, it’s nice to know I’m not being totally unreasonable..

OP posts:
Theeyeballsinthesky · 16/12/2024 17:17

I can’t drive OP and you’re not being unreasonable at all

My inability to drive is my problem and I use public transport or taxis or I walk.

make yourself far less available to chauffeur him about

Meanwhile33 · 16/12/2024 17:18

Just tell him what you’ve told us, that resentment about his laziness is building up and if he doesn’t book an intensive course in the new year your feelings towards him will end up fading away to nothing but irritation and you definitely won’t want to have a baby with him.

Newstartplease24 · 16/12/2024 17:19

He has to learn. In the meantime share the work of having the car, even if he can’t share driving. He has to do the admin associated worh tax, insurance, MOT. When you stop for fuel make him get out to fill up and pay. Anything you dont need a driving license to do, he can do.

candycane222 · 16/12/2024 17:20

Im sorry but no way would i be doing that drive on boxing day - tbh not even as a passenger - but bloody hell, what a lazy arse.

OneCoralRaven · 16/12/2024 17:20

I don’t drive but wish I could. I’m a careful driver and have passed my theory twice, but it’s unaffordable for me to pay for lessons, test, a car (!) petrol, tax and insurance given that I have to work part time due to childcare, it not feasible right now. If he can afford it, maybe just nudge him a bit. If it’s a confidence thing maybe finding the right instructor could be good.

Coconutter24 · 16/12/2024 17:23

If we go out to meet friends and need to drive, he can obviously sit and have a drink while I play taxi with a Diet Coke.

Why don’t you just book an actual taxi?
Do you live together? Are you old enough and been driving long enough that he can drive with a provisional and L plates, just put him on insurance (which he can pay the extra). You’ll soon see if he’s serious about learning

candycane222 · 16/12/2024 17:25

Assume there's no way you can/would move back to the city? That would put a very different complexion in it and has many advantages with dc too. But of course only if that's something you'd both want..Sadly as he is discovering, country living is v tough without a car, and being a decent parent is impossible. You need to stress that last but. If he wants to stay there and be a decent parent he has to be driving. And you will obviously only contemplate conceiving with a decent parent.

RosieLeaf · 16/12/2024 17:26

This would be a dealbreaker for me.

Ariela · 16/12/2024 17:27

I would gift him a) a theory test and b) an intensive course./ voucher for an intensive course/voucher towards the cost of intensive course. Then, once he has done theory you could in theory get HIM to drive you about for practice if you pop him on the insurance (provided you've had your licence long enough)
Job done.

WeeOrcadian · 16/12/2024 17:34

Please don't have a baby with this one - he can't even be arsed to learn to drive, what makes you think he'd make a good or supportive parent / partner?
The line between those things isn't a straight one, I appreciate that, but come ON.

GinForBreakfast · 16/12/2024 17:35

I would change your Boxing Day plans.

I would also put off TTC until he has passed his test AND shown himself willing to do his fair share of driving.

pikkumyy77 · 16/12/2024 17:36

Not your question but I would never TTC with someone I wasn’t married to and who wasn’t able to manage getting our imaginary children to and from the doctor’s or school, or activities.

On the subject of marriage if he builds up assets (or pension)?while you take the financial hit of maternity leave you are an absolute mug. If you have no shared asets or income now but expect to have some in the future I wouldn’t care to be in a relationship with a man so careless and improvident that he wasn’t thinking how to secure my future and that if our children if he dies ir is unable to work.

Sticking just to the driving issue it is one thing ifvyou live in a city and both take public transport everywhere or walk to things. But I would never progress a relationship with such a lazy person as your dp. Your duty to drag everyone around will only increase while mr go with the flow will never have more free time than he does now. So as soon as you have the first baby you will be driving and lifting for two babies. Imagine a c section in your rural paradise with mr “can’t be arsed” expected to shop and drive you to your appointments?