Partner doesn’t drive.. resentment

[Feduptaxi]

nc for this.

My partner of coming up to two years can’t drive. He grew up in London, so hasn’t ever felt the need to, no other reason. He’s 35 now. I drive and own a car. Our whole relationship he’s been telling me he will learn, and had maybe 5 lessons over the summer.

It has now dropped off completely. For various reasons we are living out of the city at the moment and need to drive to the nearest station. For various reasons we are having to visit lots of family weekly, around 2-3 hours drive away.

I’m getting more and more resentful of it. He keeps telling me he will pick it up in the new year but hasn’t even booked his theory yet.

I’m finding it suffocating as public transport where we are stopping is sketchy so if he wants to go anywhere, it’s together (gym, shops, station). Any holiday we go on, if we have to hire a van, it all falls on me to make the arrangements and do the driving. If we go out to meet friends and need to drive, he can obviously sit and have a drink while I play taxi with a Diet Coke. He’s also quite happy to get lifts off his family when we go there, if I don’t bring the car.

No DC yet. He’s keen to start TTC but I’d like him to drive first, to help with appointments.

I don’t think he understands how tiring it is doing hundreds of miles of driving each week. He will buy the occasional tank of fuel but doesn’t contribute in any other way to the running of the car.

Money isn’t an issue, he could afford to do an intensive course if he wanted.

I’m thinking of gifting him a theory test booking for Christmas but I’m not sure if that will come across passive aggressive.

He is generally a wonderful partner. I don’t particularly want to start dealing out ultimatums but the reality is it’s starting to impact how I look at him as a partner.

Is it a double standard though?

What some men put up with from their partners, is nothing to do with OP or other women who have an expectation that their partner will learn to drive (and I say this as a non-driver).

I recently saw a thread where a man complained his partner who used to drive in her own country, was refusing to drive here and many if not most people backed him up and said she was BU by not even trying to get used to driving here. They lived in a rural area.

And in this case it’s not as if OPs partner has openly stated he will not be learning for the foreseeable future. He sounds like he’s assuring her he will but then not following it through which is frustrating and misleading, I’m sure you’re not doing that to your partner!

I’d say the same if this was a man living outside a city with a female partner that kept promising to learn but then never did.

Some people do have valid reasons for not driving though, whether it’s personal choice or lack of ability but they need to be open about it and not give their partner false hope.

A man ain't a man, with a ticket in his hand.

Tell him that. It's true.

@Feduptaxi drive to Scotland?!
Oh no, that's a huge drive and you'd be better off flying, depending on your location.
You need to explain to him that driving miles is exhausting.
If he had a disability, that would be different.
Put in boundaries and get him to prove to you that he's doing something about it.
And that you can't keep taxing him around if you don't see him taking lessons/action.
He's not going to do anything if you keep enabling the avoidance.
Tell him to get an Uber/taxi next time.
Hopefully in a few months time this will all be over. And he's driving you places instead!
Good luck OP!

About five years ago, I had a male friend and we'd reached a point where we were both single, attracted to each other and were on the verge of developing into a relationship.

One niggle I had was that he didn't drive. He proclaimed he'd "definitely be driving by the end of the year" I was sure I'd heard that before and searched our conversation and surely enough he'd said the same thing two years before. I came to my senses and kept it as a friendship.

Five years later he still hasn't had a single lesson.

It doesn't help either long haul but he can get a moped with just a CBT course which just takes four hours. My son has a driving licence but not the money to buy a car and he uses it to get to work/gym/wherever.

I think he needs to live back to a city or learn to drive.

Maybe in the meantime, you can drive 50% of the time and the rest of the time he can arrange and pay for taxis, including on Boxing Day.

I think from this I’ve realised it’s less the not actually driving, more the promises and the attitude. There’s always an excuse. I’ve tried to bring up with him today I’d appreciate him bringing forward the theory test and he’s acting like a stroppy teenager, telling me he’ll do it when he’s ready not when he’s being shamed into it.

I do recognise he feels some shame about it and I obviously don’t want to pile on and make him feel worse. But equally all the “cheques in the post” reasons he gives for delays are things I’m going through at the same time, but doing all the driving.

I really don’t think he gets the burden aspect.

and no, he hasn’t gone to the gym tonight now..

I think I’m just going to suggest this to him. This can’t carry on indefinitely and if he’s not going to drive, he needs to just admit that and we can try and work out where we live off the back of it.

Definitely get it sorted before TTC, what happens when you need to get home from hospital after giving birth. I had an emergency C-section and was unable to drive for 6 weeks after. Not to mention being in absolute agony. I can't imagine anything worse than taking a newborn home on public transport while in pain and an absolute mess. Make sure he sticks to his promises!

Definitely don't do the Boxing Day driving!

How would he get there if you weren't around?

He sounds like he's massively taking you for granted.

I won't date a non-driver unless there's a medical reason why they don't drive. It's a sign of immaturity to me to not have a licence.

He’s keen to start TTC but I’d like him to drive first, to help with appointments.

So you aren't married. And he can't be arsed to learn to drive. And already takes you for granted?

Recipe for disaster.

I take it that he is happy to stop going to the gym, when you have a new baby. Cos you sure as hell won't be taking him then.

He needs a reality check here.

This isn't about the driving lessons. This is about him taking responsibility.

I wonder what he would do about Boxing Day at his parents if he wasn’t with you? And a driving holiday in Scotland, I hope you told him no!

Please think very carefully about having a child with this man. He sounds very entitled.

A friend of mines husband doesn't drive and it's left up to her to do all the big journeys as well as the running around to after school clubs etc, she has even asked her school mum friends to help out ferrying around in the past when she couldn't do it or was ill etc, no mention of him asking his mates to drive or worrying about how other busy mums can step in when they're busy themselves!
I suppose some people aren't natural drivers but it's a life skill that really you should be trying to gain. I have to say a man who can't drive for non medical reasons would give me the ick!

Well done putting your foot down about the gym and the road trip. Lots of red/amber flags here sorry.

Driving thing- pathetic and entitled. How dare he suggest a 'road trip' to Scotland. I would have got so angry!

You've been together less than 2 years, he should still be showing you his best self this involves booking himself some driving lessons or at least not taking the piss scrounging lifts off you. Does not bode well for him pulling his weight in the future.

You say 'money's not a problem' for him so why doesn't he offer you more petrol money? How does he contribute elsewhere? Are you renting together? Does he pay his fair share of bills/rent (proportionate to earnings not just half).

You say 'he wants to start ttc'. What do you want? How old are you? Has marriage been discussed? Is he transparent about his finances?

Think hard about whether this man is good for you or if you are settling. Definitely do not ttc until you've worked this out.

Tell him to get a pushbike. He can go to the gym etc on that.

He sounds like a lazy teenager.
Also, this "he says he intends to have passed by the end of January" is yet more nonsense as all the tests will be booked up for the next 3 months if not longer. It's the same all over the country at the moment.

I dated someone who didn't drive once and it was pain in the arse. His excuse was "All the traffic" and hated it when I helpfully pointed out that regardless of whether he's driving or not, he will still need to sit in the exact same traffic queues 90% of the time, unless he has access to a helicopter?! Yet if he's the one driving then he will have the ability to take shortcuts etc.

No offence to those on here who don't drive for good reason, but after that very short relationship, I find it deeply unattractive for a fully grown man to not have the responsibility of owning a driving licence.
Fair enough not owning a car if living in a big city but to not even have a licence in case of any future lifestyle changes? Or going on holiday and needing a hire car to get about?

Nope it's really immature in my personal opinion, especially post 30.

I once refused to date a very good looking guy, because he didn’t drive. It completely emasculated him. I posted about it on MN and got completely annihilated.

But that aside, this post makes the impracticalities of a non-driver really clear

He will buy the occasional tank of fuel but doesn’t contribute in any other way to the running of the car.

That is deeply unattractive. Have you not addressed this with him?

Yep that's just the word I was looking for how I view men without a licence, it 'emasculates' them in my eyes.

You need to sit him down and be straight with him. No brushing round it tell him exactly how you feel.

Hahaha good idea!
It's a good workout.

It's pretty telling that he's used the word shamed. Why would he feel ashamed? Unless it's because he knows he's been deliberately putting it off, and happily leaving you to do all the driving and the cost of doing so, with no intention of actually sorting himself out?

Regardless, he needs to do something. As expecting you to chauffeur him about at your own expense is deeply unattractive.

I would find his attitude to this deeply unattractive. Where is his desire for independence? Where is his follow through? Where is his pride?