Partner doesn’t drive.. resentment

[Feduptaxi]

nc for this.

My partner of coming up to two years can’t drive. He grew up in London, so hasn’t ever felt the need to, no other reason. He’s 35 now. I drive and own a car. Our whole relationship he’s been telling me he will learn, and had maybe 5 lessons over the summer.

It has now dropped off completely. For various reasons we are living out of the city at the moment and need to drive to the nearest station. For various reasons we are having to visit lots of family weekly, around 2-3 hours drive away.

I’m getting more and more resentful of it. He keeps telling me he will pick it up in the new year but hasn’t even booked his theory yet.

I’m finding it suffocating as public transport where we are stopping is sketchy so if he wants to go anywhere, it’s together (gym, shops, station). Any holiday we go on, if we have to hire a van, it all falls on me to make the arrangements and do the driving. If we go out to meet friends and need to drive, he can obviously sit and have a drink while I play taxi with a Diet Coke. He’s also quite happy to get lifts off his family when we go there, if I don’t bring the car.

No DC yet. He’s keen to start TTC but I’d like him to drive first, to help with appointments.

I don’t think he understands how tiring it is doing hundreds of miles of driving each week. He will buy the occasional tank of fuel but doesn’t contribute in any other way to the running of the car.

Money isn’t an issue, he could afford to do an intensive course if he wanted.

I’m thinking of gifting him a theory test booking for Christmas but I’m not sure if that will come across passive aggressive.

He is generally a wonderful partner. I don’t particularly want to start dealing out ultimatums but the reality is it’s starting to impact how I look at him as a partner.

Suggested Action plan

To be in place before 31 Dec

He books his theory test - if the situation re actual driving tests in your area as it is anything like in ours, he'll be waiting months before he can get one of those, so good idea to get that booked too. In the meantime...

Book him one lesson for Christmas present plus some L plates for the car

Work out monthly costs of car - insurance, servicing, MOT, depreciation - he pays half up front each month

Put him on your insurance and he can do some practise on private roads. We used a local industrial estate at the weekends with DD. As did / do lots of other learners.

When he's got his theory, he drives to the gym / station with you in the passenger seat.

If he doesn't want to do any of this - knock something on the head. For example - if he won't pay half of the car costs each month - you're not driving anywhere on Boxing day. If he won't get some practise on private roads, he doesn't get to go to the gym / station. If he won't book his theory test - he's paying for taxis when you go out.

If you are at the stage of your relationship when children are being discussed, you both have to be signed up to being a team. Part of being a team is sharing roles and responsibilities, so unless there is a medical reason why he can't learn to drive, he has to learn and share that load.

This sounds like unreasonable behaviors by your partner. I also don’t drive, I tried to get a license three times but failed the practical tests, I’m mortified of driving and I think it’s related to anxiety. We have a car and my partner drives. But we also live in a big city and I go everywhere by myself on bike or public transport. I’d never ask
for a lift from DH! I even bought an electric cargo bike so I could transport the kids myself for shorter distances.

DH drives us all whenever necessary and on longer trips and holidays and doesn’t mind. He also does all pick ups and drop offs of kids when longer distances where car is needed, and does the weekly big shop by car.

Basically I view my individual transportation needs as solely my issue, he’s not my taxi driver!

Could you insure him on your car and then any joint journeys he has to drive "for practice". I did this with my son and for any long journeys we pressed "avoid motorways" on the sat nav and a 2 hr journey became a 3 hr journey but we stopped off in pubs for a soft drink along the way. It's the best way to learn and also he will be exhausted from driving/ concentrating and that might give him some insight into what you have to do all the time.

I have never met any of these mythical no.1 scenario people that seem to exist only on mumsnet. IME, non drivers almost always expect the drivers to pick up the slack.

Op, to be blunt, I wouldn’t even go out with a bloke who couldn’t drive precisely to avoid all the situations you’ve mentioned, it would be deeply unattractive to me. It would be a hard no to TTC until he’s passed his test and up and running otherwise what on earth will happen, you’ll be driving yourself to the hospital in labour and ALL the child related activities.

Why the hell should the OP pay?!

I would say “Derek, you are a selfish fuck expecting me to drive you round like some sort of unpaid chauffeur, it’s time you jolly well got on with it and passed your test or I don’t see a future for us”.

Do not have a baby with him until he’s passed his test!!!

I made this mistake, even when we broke up and he wanted to do something fun with the kids apparently I was responsible for getting everyone there!

It was a nightmare and ridiculous. He passes then you TTC

I'd advise against TTC until he's driving. Otherwise you run the risk of becoming pregnant and him still faffing about and not getting it done. You're going to feel a million times more pissed off if you are having to load up yourself and a newborn to drive him everywhere. If he's keen to TTC then tell him he needs to sort his driving licence first.

In your shoes I would reschedule myself for Boxing Day - its his family, so he can get himself there. Tell him now, which gives him time. That should bring it home to him that he is over-dependent on you. Can you invent something/someone else you need to see that day? Do your own thing, and he can do his. He sounds a bit like a wet lettuce if he cannot travel to his parents without you.

Buy him the intensive driving course for his Christmas!

My partner doesn't drive. He never expects a lift anywhere. His live is built around him not driving, eg walks to work, public transport to socialise. He never ever asks for a lift and will wait for me to offer. Sometimes I do and other times I don't.

Does he miss London by any chance? I’ve found sometimes people are just ‘London people’ and more suited to the city lifestyle. If he moves back it becomes a non-issue and he’s just like loads of men/women/people in the city - so not a relationship dealbreaker for daters and families there.

I'd be concerned about what about if something happened to you? Both my partner and I drove, something did happen to him and if I hadn't been able to drive it would have been impossible (we had DC too).

Not just about the day to day inconvenience, but especially if you're wanting a family, it's important that he can also drive. I hope nothing unexpected happens to you of course, but for one reason or another, sometimes people have to stop driving and if there is no one else in the household who can, it can be very difficult indeed, if you've made a life relying on a car.

I wouldn't be driving for 6 hours on Boxing Day. That is totally unreasonable. Tell the lazy twat to make his own arrangements.

Say you will drive half the time the rest of the time he books and pays for a taxi.

I'm sorry but I couldn't be with him. This is a total deal breaker for me
I could not spend my time playing chauffeur to a man who can't be arsed.
Sorry.

I'd start with withdraw my help. I'd also start making sure he paid for ALL the petrol. You take the hit on the wear and tear in the car, the depreciation that comes with mileage and upkeep. It's the least he can do. I'd also be expecting him to foot the bill for taxi if you go out so you can also have a drink.

As for TTC, someone who promises something and doesn't deliver, would be the last person I'd want to share a child with.

For speed of learning, he could do it in an automatic. But remember these days passing a test isn't as quick as it used to be. Learners are having to wait longer for practical tests.

I totally get it op. I drive and have a car. My partner doesn’t (no particular reason, just lived in the city and no need). It drives me (sorry) crazy! He’s getting lessons finally now though, and in fairness to him he generally does take trains etc, and not ask me. This is probably because from day one I was clear I am not a taxi. I will give lifts occasionally but he asks first and doesn’t assume! No fucking way would I be driving us to see his family at Christmas, he needs to appreciate how tiring doing all the driving is for one thing. I still find it so fucking annoying though that a grown ass man doesn’t drive!

You need to stop saying yes all the time.

Don’t drive him on Boxing Day.
Don’t sit there in the pub with a diet coke whilst he drinks!

Time to find your voice and say you’ve had enough. What do you think he’ll say?

He has no incentive to learn to drive. He could use an ebike to go the shops, gym or station - it would go some way towards independent travel; he could also use taxis.
I have friends that have chosen not to drive - they certainly don’t expect others to drive them around.

I grew up in London - as did DH - and I know lots of people who can't drive, including DH.

The only reason it works and I've not had a massive issue with it, is because he doesn't make it my problem. Ever.

If he wants to do something, he will organise public transport. His commute can be (and is) done by bus, he will arrange doing the school runs (and organise himself/the DC) on this basis. If we go to family events, there is never an expectation that I will drive - the assumption is that we'll get public transport and an Uber back, unless I specifically offer.

Very, very occasionally he'll ask to be picked up from the station or the office for a specific reason (this evening he's been given a hamper and it would be a massive PITA to bring it home on the bus) but he doesn't throw a strop if I say no. I said no this evening - I'm tired and cold - so he got a cab.

If it were any different it would be a dealbreaker for me. I'd say that your DP needs to step up, because I also know (from DH) that it's very easy for promises of learning to drive to drift if it's not massively advantageous to do so. I would make it a condition of TTC personally.

Massively off putting to me, OP.
But - I'm an old school regarding this stuff.
No need to mention the impracticality of this.
🙁

It would be no alcohol for him as well until he does pass - why should you miss out because of his laziness every time?

OP, just be firm. I'm saying this sympathetically, because I too struggle to assert myself and worry it's being mean or selfish (this is the crap women are socialised in). But it's incredibly liberating when you take the plunge.

Just keep it simple, firm, factual.

"I don't like driving. I find it tiring, and don't like being the one to always sacrifice drinking or paying the majority of costs, even when we are both using the car. You need to learn to drive if you want to use the car. And you need to share the driving when we are doing something together. You've delayed learning unnecessarily, which is unfair on me. Any further delay you are assuming I'm ok with carrying more than half the weight, effort, inconvenience and cost. and I'm not ok with that. So from now on, assume you have a partner who doesn't drive, like you don't drive.. I won't be driving you places anymore, because it doesn't work for me. When I'm driving myself, I often enjoy alone time, so won't be offering you rides. Things like visiting your family, you should do as you would if you didn't have me as chauffeur.
So, let me know when you have decided a plan for Boxing Day."

These ‘mythical’ non drivers exist through and through within London, especially central London