Partner doesn’t drive.. resentment

[Feduptaxi]

nc for this.

My partner of coming up to two years can’t drive. He grew up in London, so hasn’t ever felt the need to, no other reason. He’s 35 now. I drive and own a car. Our whole relationship he’s been telling me he will learn, and had maybe 5 lessons over the summer.

It has now dropped off completely. For various reasons we are living out of the city at the moment and need to drive to the nearest station. For various reasons we are having to visit lots of family weekly, around 2-3 hours drive away.

I’m getting more and more resentful of it. He keeps telling me he will pick it up in the new year but hasn’t even booked his theory yet.

I’m finding it suffocating as public transport where we are stopping is sketchy so if he wants to go anywhere, it’s together (gym, shops, station). Any holiday we go on, if we have to hire a van, it all falls on me to make the arrangements and do the driving. If we go out to meet friends and need to drive, he can obviously sit and have a drink while I play taxi with a Diet Coke. He’s also quite happy to get lifts off his family when we go there, if I don’t bring the car.

No DC yet. He’s keen to start TTC but I’d like him to drive first, to help with appointments.

I don’t think he understands how tiring it is doing hundreds of miles of driving each week. He will buy the occasional tank of fuel but doesn’t contribute in any other way to the running of the car.

Money isn’t an issue, he could afford to do an intensive course if he wanted.

I’m thinking of gifting him a theory test booking for Christmas but I’m not sure if that will come across passive aggressive.

He is generally a wonderful partner. I don’t particularly want to start dealing out ultimatums but the reality is it’s starting to impact how I look at him as a partner.

If you're not living in a city, then he needs to learn how to drive. And gifting him driving classes is a good idea. I don't drive - I can, and have a license in my home country but failed the test here, however we will never leave London so it isn't an issue. Saying that, I am determined to pass my test as we are ttc and I want the flexibility a car offers, and DH takes me out for practice. DH loves to drive so doesn't mind road trip or long drives, which is good for me as even when i pass I'll never be as confident a driver as him. DH is from London and his brothers don't drive and neither do their wives who are also from London - and they manage with kids just fine on public transport His mum didn't drive either and was a single mum who raised them all so in London it just isn't an issue. Obviously not, if you move out or do a lot of trips away.

If he isn't willing to learn then and you resent him, you should break up for sure. Resentment is a death knell in a relationship. Start by refusing to drive him places and let him know how much it bugs you. If he values you, he will learn. The only thing I will say is that some people are just not good or confident drivers (he won't know until he tries), so you may have a case where he just can't pass or is a nervous driver. Honestly, in that case he should live in cities with public transport rather than put you out, and you will have to see driving as a deal breaker for future relationships.

Oh and it's not passive aggressive to gift him lessons. My exH did as I kept meaning to book but never got around to it and it was a great gift as it got the ball rolling.

I would be really concerned about his response to you in your last update. Saying he won't do something by being shamed into it and will do it when he is ready.

No recognition of the impact of his non-driving on you. No care or thought. I would be out of this relationship. He will be the same with the kids. Will only do things when he is ready. Not when the kids need things. So you will be the sole parent because he will never be ready. His attitude is horrible.

There's no need to learn when he has a personal chauffeur. Don't enable his laziness!

Please don't have a baby until he can drive.

If he felt genuinely bad about it he would just book the test and start revising with the apps . Simple. If he failed at least you’d know he tried.

He only feels bad that you’re no longer letting him get away with it and it’s now affecting his lifestyle if you’re declining to take him to the gym etc

This is way deeper than the actual issue of him not driving or not. It’s actually a bit manipulative/DARVO now, the fact he is making you feel bad for asking him to follow through on what he keeps promising.

I'd stop driving him around. Do your own and joint stuff but if he wants to go somewhere he gets on a bus

I have no truck with women who refuse to learn to drive as well. It's as silly to me as not learning to swim or ride a bike.

Nope, he needs ditching. It’s not the fact he doesn’t drive- it’s how he deals with it. Sulking, making up excuses, always saying ‘soon.’ If he said he would never drive for whatever reason but was happy to take taxis, make arrangements or pick up other chores/tasks in exchange for lifts then that would be one thing. Or if he acknowledged you would have to live somewhere with better transport links.

But he isn’t. He should be paying at least 50/50 for the running of the car. He’s also being a cheeky shit to use your car in this imaginary world he starts driving in- you paid for it and he will get significantly cheaper insurance as a new driver.

Stop facilitating this man. Three really useful words for you. “See you there!” You let him sort his own way around without you. He’ll learn to drive really quickly. Especially if you have holidays planned and he needs to go on the train.

@Feduptaxi You are already sharing your car! It is part of the household so he needs to share the cost.

Thanks all.

We had quite a frank conversation last night in the end, after he calmed down.

He’s admitted he’s nervous about failing (which I do get, I was probably the same, albeit 17 years ago when I learnt…) and admitted he does rely on me so doesn’t feel it’s a necessity. I’ve explained the impact it has on me, again, and that it is a necessity as it should be a shared burden.

I think he does get it but time will tell if it changes. For now, I’ve told him he needs to make his own arrangements and stop relying on me/ family/ friends for lifts.

Glad you've had a chat about it.

Hold firm - and do not TTC until he can drive.

@Feduptaxi you can always tell him that the majority of people fail their first driving test. some people dont pass till the 4th or 5th time. he just needs to do some reading to get himself on the road as a learner. maybe his christmas present could be the theory test asap? if he is not amenable to that then I fear he is never going to drive! We have a friend who did not drive and we all live semi rurally. he relied on one friend to drive him 40 miles to his work and back every day and he relied on that same friend or my hubby to take him to the city for their shared team sports hobby. the wife had to drive him everywhere else! he is now retired having never attempted to learn in his whole life! even with three children in the house¬ the still live in the same village!! bus service is shit and that is if it turns up at all!!

If he doesn't have a reason not to learn, then stop helping him out with non essential lifts and insist he books lessons today! Moaning at him isn't working, you have to be clearer.

Moaning 😂😂😂

He’s just booked his theory test now, for early new year. He’s going to check today with work re time off for an intensive course for once he’s passed his theory, then see if it’s that or a few lessons a week.

So some progress seems to be made..!

Don't back down on what you've said about lifts and driving on the meantime though!!

Really: this. Don’t back down because if he funks it for fear of failure, if he stops progressing towards being a competent driver, he isn’t coparent material. People have to be brave to live. They have to ve able to do hard things and manage their lives.

It's great he is going to learn in the new year. But I think you need to consider what your plan of action will be if he doesn't pass. I can't drive - I've tried, I can't judge other traffic no matter how hard I try. I am perfectly competent in other areas of my life, have mastered many difficult things, but can't drive. I have four friends my age who also can't drive. We are all fully functioning parents! I do the majority of school pick ups, swimming lessons, play dates etc. But we live in a city. My inability to drive does restrict us to this type of area. For me this isn't a limitation in any way as I love city life, no desire to live rurally. So unlike some previous posters, I don't think you need a driving license to be a parent but I do think you would have to accept that the areas you can live in successfully will be restricted if your partner doesn't pass his test. It's up to you whether that's acceptable to you. Any partner who tried to force me to drive would be unacceptable to me, so it works both ways.

Well done-that’s a good start. From his point of view, he’s booked his theory and is talking about an intensive course, that’s great. Offer to test him in his Highway Code!

From your point of view-if there are Christmas drinks, ask him to sort the taxis. If there is a big food shop-do it online.

What have you said about Boxing Day?

I'd say he needs to pay half of all car costs

Do not do not do not have babies with this man!! Contraception X2!! From a woman who had hyperemesis and was throwing up to the point she got hospitalised and still had to drive her useless (and now restraining ordered) baby daddy to work xx