Partner doesn’t drive.. resentment

[Feduptaxi]

nc for this.

My partner of coming up to two years can’t drive. He grew up in London, so hasn’t ever felt the need to, no other reason. He’s 35 now. I drive and own a car. Our whole relationship he’s been telling me he will learn, and had maybe 5 lessons over the summer.

It has now dropped off completely. For various reasons we are living out of the city at the moment and need to drive to the nearest station. For various reasons we are having to visit lots of family weekly, around 2-3 hours drive away.

I’m getting more and more resentful of it. He keeps telling me he will pick it up in the new year but hasn’t even booked his theory yet.

I’m finding it suffocating as public transport where we are stopping is sketchy so if he wants to go anywhere, it’s together (gym, shops, station). Any holiday we go on, if we have to hire a van, it all falls on me to make the arrangements and do the driving. If we go out to meet friends and need to drive, he can obviously sit and have a drink while I play taxi with a Diet Coke. He’s also quite happy to get lifts off his family when we go there, if I don’t bring the car.

No DC yet. He’s keen to start TTC but I’d like him to drive first, to help with appointments.

I don’t think he understands how tiring it is doing hundreds of miles of driving each week. He will buy the occasional tank of fuel but doesn’t contribute in any other way to the running of the car.

Money isn’t an issue, he could afford to do an intensive course if he wanted.

I’m thinking of gifting him a theory test booking for Christmas but I’m not sure if that will come across passive aggressive.

He is generally a wonderful partner. I don’t particularly want to start dealing out ultimatums but the reality is it’s starting to impact how I look at him as a partner.

I can’t really offer any great words of advice - same situation here, but 14 years in….! I’ve completely given up hope that he’s ever going to learn.

There’s no reason that any fully functioning adult shouldn’t drive. It’s pathetic really. Don’t blame you for being annoyed. I wouldn’t have a relationship with someone who couldn’t get themselves from A to B without intervention from another adult.

Thanks all. Lots of messages on here so I’m not able to respond to all.

I’ve just sent him some links to theory study apps, he's just told me his aim is to pass this by the end of January apparently. Obviously he’s done nothing around actually booking the test to achieve that.

I’ve explained so many times that there’s a big wait on practical tests, and he can’t book that until he has his theory.

He wanted to go to the gym tonight and I’ve just said no, I’m too knackered to drive us there. He can get a cab if he wants to go.

He knows I’m frustrated with it. He has a tendency to put off anything he finds difficult to the point of just totally ignoring it.

Some friends of his are getting married in Scotland in summer, and he wants to do a road trip round. I’ve told him that I’m not doing that unless we share the driving, so maybe that will be an incentive too!

YANBU, it's a deal breaker for me. Fair enough if you live somewhere with local amenities and good public transport links so you don't "need" to drive, but when it's somewhere else, at least being able to drive, if not owning their own car really has to be a deal breaker.

In fact, it was for me, with my first serious boyfriend. He had no reason at all not to learn to drive but just couldn't be bothered. As the weeks passed, I got put upon more and more. It was me driving on dates to pubs, restaurants, cinema, etc meaning I couldn't drink. It was me driving on days out. He even started asking me to pick him up in a morning to drop him off at work and pick him up after work to take him back to his home (we weren't living together). I really started to resent it and after about 3 months told him to sling his hook! He was most put out and just couldn't see the problem - blaming me! But he was one of life's "taker's" in other aspects of life too. Glad to be rid of him and never regretted it.

Oh for gods sake.
Tell him you can't keep ferrying him around like you're his Mum and he's some teenager!
If he has the money, then he can sort the lessons and buy his car HIMSELF.
In the interim explain that cars cost MONEY (and we're not even going to discuss your time here either) and until he sorts himself with his own transport that he has to pay half car costs. Insurance, car tax, petrol, etc. He's taking the p!
Saying 'thanks for the lift' is irrelevant. You'd expect that from your friend, not your partner.
These man babies are a joke.
God help you if you had a DC, what then?

If you don't want to be direct about the issue then simply don't be available for these 'pick ups' and simply have other real or fictitious arrangements that mean you can't go here and there for him.
He'll soon get the message.
As the saying goes, you give some people a hand and they take an arm!

Why have you offered to share your car? That’s going to cause all sorts of problems.

Maybe refusing to drive Boxing Day will be an incentive for him.

Not being able to drive or have transport is a huge no for me in a potential partner. I'm not there to be someone else's taxi.

He sounds a little bit hard of thinking? How can he not see how unreasonable this is? Perhaps you need to say your resentment out loud a bit more vocally. Tell him it's giving you the ick. Driving is an essential skill in the modern world.

I'm about the same age as you and an atheist, so I hope you will take on board my advice (as it's neutral and not driven my religious reasons) -

DON'T have children with him until he can drive AND you're married.

And can I ask - whose choice was it to not be married?

Possibly going from one problem to another

If he like he is now he'll stay named driver probably contribute little to motoring costs and admin

Stop doing anything to facilitate his non-driving. Drive only when it's convenient for you and somewhere you want to go. Night out, say "Sounds great. You book the cab so I can have a drink. " Can you go to the gym while he is working?

This - I don’t drive (medical eyesight reasons) and my hobbies and work don’t rely on DH.

but it is tough I know on him to always be the driver so it is also offset with other things in terms of chores and plannkng

we lived walking distance from school as well for collection etc and doctors

Oh and let me guess: when you said you weren't driving to the gym, he decided not to go?

No chance he can pass a test by end of January and I doubt he could even get a test in that timeframe. He has just thrown that out to keep you quiet.

Driving isn't easy when learning so it's common to be put off but most adults do persevere because they know there are benefits.

Having a baby and not driving would mean all the pick ups & drop offs will fall to you and that will impact your ability to work.

I don't think the main issue is that he doesn't drive, rather that he expects you to be his chauffeur. I can't drive. My partner does drive. We jointly bought the car and I contribute equally to all car related expenses because the vast majority of car journeys are for family related reasons (e.g. weekend trips, supermarket shop). But overall we rarely use the car - usually 2-3 car trips per week. I probably ask my partner for a lift a couple of times a year - I am perfectly able to get myself around independently. Indeed up until I met my partner in my mid 30s I never had access to a car at all as I was either single or in a relationship with someone who couldn't drive or didn't own a car. I travelled extensively all over the world in that time. But I live in a city - it sounds like you are somewhere more rural. I definitely wouldn't consider living somewhat like that as a non driver.

I ended a long friendship over her not being able to drive. Every time we went out, I had to pick her up, drive wherever and then take her home again which added an hour onto my evening every time. And I could never drink. The final straw came when we went to a concert that was a 90 minute drive each way, I'd put the fuel in and she couldn't even put her hand in her purse to pay the £15 car park fee.... but managed to get about 6 large wines from the bar inside the venue. Didn't even offer to get me a diet coke

Stop enabling him.

I wouldn't have time for this personally

I agree. I don’t drive (did have a licence once but was rubbish at driving), I am very much in the first camp.

He should get a bike or a scooter.

I don’t drive and YANBU, OP.

I live 5 minutes walk from my train station and there’s a bus stop next to my flat, I work from home but get around on foot normally or train if I’m going into my nearest city. Occasionally will get a taxi - or a lift if I’m offered. There’s a nice new gym that’s too far away to walk and no bus goes there so until I drive I just don’t go to it!

He shouldn’t be relying so heavily on you when he has the means to take driving lessons.

I wouldn’t bother booking his theory though because he really need to be self-motivated to revise and sit that (yes 50% of people fail it!) and then commit to take 40+ hours of driving lessons so he needs to be committed to doing this and following it all through. If he can’t be bothered booking the theory you’ve no chance.

And if you book it he can easily moan that he’s not ready for it or the time slot didn’t suit him etc and use that as an excuse to cancel. He really has to want to do this.

I sat my theory earlier this year and had to take some time off from lessons since the summer, but I’m planning to resume with a new instructor in February and I’m determined to pass in 2025! Hopefully before summer.

Finding a driving test is hard in itself with the massive waiting lists. It’s a bit better outwith the summer so his best bet is to try and pass before June. There’s often waiting list for driving instructors too. He needs to start sorting this out himself asap and forget about the road trip around Scotland until then!

Unless he has a good reason for not learning (and some people do) I hope you don’t go out your way to drive him about places unless it’s somewhere you’re obviously going to as well eg. Both going out for dinner.

With respect though OP, I think you’re being slightly unreasonable, given that I assume you knew he didn’t drive when you met him. Obviously him expecting frequent lifts is not ideal, but plenty of female partners don’t drive and there does seem to be a bit of a double standard here. I don’t drive as I said earlier on in the thread, so I walk a lot, but DP has never had any issues in being the designated driver. We’ve been on some amazing road trips together, and I’ve never obviously driven. It’s what you’re willing to do in the partnership. I do plenty of other things that he doesn’t do, so there’s a balance there. It’s also fairly emasculating the way this thread feels to be honest.

"He has a tendency to put off anything he finds difficult to the point of just totally ignoring it" big red flags right there. Carefully consider having children with this man

Don’t give him a driving test or lessons for Christmas. It’s not the time or place to try and sort out your resentments. It’s shitty.

However, as others have said, it is time to tell him how you feel, and put boundaries up.

I would get pissed have a few drinks on Christmas Day. Then you won't be able to drive the next day as you'll still be over the limit...

Such a shame.

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