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Original poster

Partner Might Leave

172 replies

Miserable123455 · 16/12/2024 11:02

Hi, I’ve name changed. My partner and I have been together for 28 years, we have three children.

For background, he works long hours and runs a lot, marathons etc. He is 52 and the kids love him, he is mostly a good person.

Im in the midst of peri menopause and trying to get hrt sorted. Our son has additional needs, is about to sit GCSEs. My parent has late stage dementia and has just moved into a nursing home. Life is incredibly difficult at the moment. I’m finding it all hard.

My partner likes to go out three to four times a year and get absolutely wasted - so drunk he can’t walk. Last year he had to be carried off a train by two men into our daughter’s car. The year before he fell asleep on the train, ended up at a different town and then tried to walk the 20 miles home along a dark dangerous road. He was picked up by the police and brought home. He also has a week in Ibiza with his friends every September. The trip before last he missed his flight home and had to pay for another. Money we didnt have.

When he missed the flight he just sent me a short text saying - I’ve missed the flight, will be home tomorrow! No explanation or apology. I had been alone with our sen son who can be challenging. I was knackered and looking forward to him being home. I flipped out when I got the text and did reply with some pretty nasty stuff.. you idiot, that kind of thing. When he got back he told me I had been unreasonable and why couldn’t I have supported him, he was tired after a week of clubbing and being up all night. He said he was leaving, he didn’t love me and was going to his mums. After a day of tears and arguing he agreed to stay.

The weekend before last he went to a rave in Manchester, stayed over and I made no contact with him whilst there.

He was out this weekend so I asked him to please be careful, that I worried about him and could he please catch the bus home at a reasonable time. He said he would. Gets to 7 and he’s still not home. They had met for breakfast at 10 am and it would be solid drinking from then on. I offered to go get him, he said he’d walk, again along a dark dangerous road. In the interests of not causing an argument I let him. He wasn’t home after an hour so I rang him, he shouted “f&ck off at me down the phone” ! He seemed ok when he got back and has been fine since but sulky and quiet so I said what’s wrong.

Now again, he’s saying he doesn’t like me, I have two days a month when I’m happy, I’m aggressive and controlling when he goes out. He doesn’t know if he can stay or if he loves me.

I honestly worry about him and yes I’m agressive when these things happen because I’m angry and upset. He’s a grown man with a family. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to consider us and not just get as pissed as humanly possible.

We aren’t married, a compromise I made for
him. Now I work part time and would struggle to live alone with the kids financially.

I do feel like our relationship is over and I’m just clinging on to something that’s not there.

OP posts:
Whathappensnowplease · 16/12/2024 11:14

What a selfish selfish man.
He lives his life as though he is single. It's not a partnership and he doesn't respect or like you.
Honestly OP I don't see how being single can be worse than this.
Have you looked at how you will manage financially if you split up?

Original poster
Miserable123455 · 16/12/2024 11:21

I don’t think he does like me. He thinks I’m agressive and he expects me to be passive and never raise my voice or get frustrated or angry.

I think I’d work out the financial stuff, we own our home and have a lot of equity in joint names but I love our home and don’t want to leave it or sell it.

My elder two girls are amazing so I don’t worry about the impact on them - it’s my son who I’m worried about. He idolises his dad.

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 16/12/2024 11:25

So he's taking a lot of drugs I assume? He certainly drinks more than he should. He's nasty to you. He wouldn't get married to you but I presume he's happy with you working part-time and taking care of everything. He's incredibly selfish and argumentative and aggressive.

I can't think of one good reason to stay with him

Original poster
Miserable123455 · 16/12/2024 11:29

I have wondered about drugs but he lives an extremely healthy life style, apart from these benders!!

I just can’t be this person he expects me to be. I’m a nice person, I have a family who love me and friends but I can’t not get angry when these things happen. I don’t know anyone who would have just laughed off the missed flight. But he honestly expected me to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Miserable123455 · 16/12/2024 11:32

I thought a good talk before this weekends bender might help. If I explained that it upset me last year when he got into such a state and it’s incredibly dangerous. It just seemed to make it worse. Like just by saying can you please be careful and not over do it, it was me controlling him.

OP posts:
Calmhappyandhealthy · 16/12/2024 11:37

If I explained that it upset me

I say this gently...... he doesn't care if it upsets you

All he wants, is for everything to be as HE wants it to be

Gertrudesinthegutter · 16/12/2024 11:38

He wants out and it won’t be long before there’s someone else, or casual hookups… I know you’re up against so much but this will just finish you and your self esteem, tolerating this selfish, shitty behaviour.

Stop apologising for getting cross, a lot of women certainly wouldn’t tolerate this crap and he’s gaslighting you by making you feel unreasonable for daring to have the audacity to pull him up on missing his flight. What a horrible man.

rubyslippers · 16/12/2024 11:40

This sounds really tough
i’d make a decision and ask him to leave BUT you're not married so you need some legal advice. Not being married was a compromise you made for him - that makes no sense for you sadly or the kids
is there a way you can get more hours at work ? Can you claim any benefits - does your older child live at home still
he sounds like a nightmare to be honest and everyone on the house must be very miserable because of his behaviour

Original poster
Miserable123455 · 16/12/2024 11:41

Spot on, I feel sure there will be hook ups eventually - he doesn’t seem to like me at all. Since the Ibiza thing my insecurity about the nights out has been worse.
the two friends he goes with are divorced. One in the process of getting divorced.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 16/12/2024 11:41

If I was so drunk and my child had to stuff me into their car to get home,, the shame would never leave me and would be a massive wake up call to change
the police being involved as well
he hasn’t changed because he doesn’t want to

Original poster
Miserable123455 · 16/12/2024 11:45

It’s so close to Christmas and GCSEs but I feel like I can’t go on living with him.
Even my pension is halved because of him.
I am glad I had the time with the children when they were small but now I’m totally stuck.

OP posts:
Original poster
Miserable123455 · 16/12/2024 11:47

rubyslippers · 16/12/2024 11:41

If I was so drunk and my child had to stuff me into their car to get home,, the shame would never leave me and would be a massive wake up call to change
the police being involved as well
he hasn’t changed because he doesn’t want to

Two men had to carry him off the train into our daughter’s car, she’d had to go to pick him up because I’d had wine and it was late.

He didn’t seem to think there was anything wrong with it, it was just a bit of fun at Christmas.

OP posts:
Original poster
Miserable123455 · 16/12/2024 11:55

Maybe I was in the wrong for calling him names and getting so angry. Would other women do that? I don’t know if I’m in the wrong.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 16/12/2024 11:56

Miserable123455 · 16/12/2024 11:55

Maybe I was in the wrong for calling him names and getting so angry. Would other women do that? I don’t know if I’m in the wrong.

Why wouldn’t you be angry?!
I think you need to get angrier and channel that rage into leaving him and making a much happier and calmer life for yourself and kids

rubyslippers · 16/12/2024 11:57

Miserable123455 · 16/12/2024 11:47

Two men had to carry him off the train into our daughter’s car, she’d had to go to pick him up because I’d had wine and it was late.

He didn’t seem to think there was anything wrong with it, it was just a bit of fun at Christmas.

Show quote history

He’s an arsehole if he thinks that
what did your daughter say? She must have been mortified

Original poster
Miserable123455 · 16/12/2024 12:02

She was only 17 almost 18 so she didnt say too much. He was cuddling them and telling them he loved them.

He is a good dad to them and they love him. But they’re very happy and busy with their own friends and lives and I know they’d want me to be happy. And him I guess.

I find it hard to believe he won’t or can’t work at a long relationship for the sake of his nights out or slightly modifying his own behaviour. I’m not asking for him to not go out, just to be careful and think of us all.

He thinks I’m the problem. It’s like I shouldn’t be moody or raise my voice ever or question anything he does.

OP posts:
Original poster
Miserable123455 · 16/12/2024 12:03

This morning he told me I just want a boden wearing man, sipping g&ts but that’s not him, it’s part of his culture to go out drinking, ex local football and ex navy!

OP posts:
alamo16584 · 16/12/2024 12:05

Miserable123455 · 16/12/2024 11:02

Hi, I’ve name changed. My partner and I have been together for 28 years, we have three children.

For background, he works long hours and runs a lot, marathons etc. He is 52 and the kids love him, he is mostly a good person.

Im in the midst of peri menopause and trying to get hrt sorted. Our son has additional needs, is about to sit GCSEs. My parent has late stage dementia and has just moved into a nursing home. Life is incredibly difficult at the moment. I’m finding it all hard.

My partner likes to go out three to four times a year and get absolutely wasted - so drunk he can’t walk. Last year he had to be carried off a train by two men into our daughter’s car. The year before he fell asleep on the train, ended up at a different town and then tried to walk the 20 miles home along a dark dangerous road. He was picked up by the police and brought home. He also has a week in Ibiza with his friends every September. The trip before last he missed his flight home and had to pay for another. Money we didnt have.

When he missed the flight he just sent me a short text saying - I’ve missed the flight, will be home tomorrow! No explanation or apology. I had been alone with our sen son who can be challenging. I was knackered and looking forward to him being home. I flipped out when I got the text and did reply with some pretty nasty stuff.. you idiot, that kind of thing. When he got back he told me I had been unreasonable and why couldn’t I have supported him, he was tired after a week of clubbing and being up all night. He said he was leaving, he didn’t love me and was going to his mums. After a day of tears and arguing he agreed to stay.

The weekend before last he went to a rave in Manchester, stayed over and I made no contact with him whilst there.

He was out this weekend so I asked him to please be careful, that I worried about him and could he please catch the bus home at a reasonable time. He said he would. Gets to 7 and he’s still not home. They had met for breakfast at 10 am and it would be solid drinking from then on. I offered to go get him, he said he’d walk, again along a dark dangerous road. In the interests of not causing an argument I let him. He wasn’t home after an hour so I rang him, he shouted “f&ck off at me down the phone” ! He seemed ok when he got back and has been fine since but sulky and quiet so I said what’s wrong.

Now again, he’s saying he doesn’t like me, I have two days a month when I’m happy, I’m aggressive and controlling when he goes out. He doesn’t know if he can stay or if he loves me.

I honestly worry about him and yes I’m agressive when these things happen because I’m angry and upset. He’s a grown man with a family. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to consider us and not just get as pissed as humanly possible.

We aren’t married, a compromise I made for
him. Now I work part time and would struggle to live alone with the kids financially.

I do feel like our relationship is over and I’m just clinging on to something that’s not there.

Open the door & let him go, im male so this is not a "sisters" post, we have been married 40yrs & benidorm is our happy place, BUT we go together & party, there's no I in Team & sounds like he's definitely got some part of his anatomy in someone else, plz don't let someone grind you down just to try & show the outside world it's all roses behind the door

Original poster
Miserable123455 · 16/12/2024 12:07

alamo16584 · 16/12/2024 12:05

Open the door & let him go, im male so this is not a "sisters" post, we have been married 40yrs & benidorm is our happy place, BUT we go together & party, there's no I in Team & sounds like he's definitely got some part of his anatomy in someone else, plz don't let someone grind you down just to try & show the outside world it's all roses behind the door

Show quote history

He insists he hasn’t and I’m abusive and unreasonable for even asking or considering that.

OP posts:
charlieinthehaystack · 16/12/2024 12:08

I would call him a few names too. how old is he for gods sake? he wants to grow up and face his responsibilities ie his kids and you.
get the hell out of there worry about the money etc after there is always a way. it sounds like your children are nearly grown up so extra hours working may be a possibility and you may be able to get things such as housing benefit. I would say ring Women's Aid who will advise you or CAB.
good luck you dont need an idiot like this

WhyDoesDenisNotRhymeWithPenis · 16/12/2024 12:12

You urgently need to prioritise your pension and job, you cannot be dependent on a shit boyfriend. How will you afford life, housing, retirement?

Original poster
Miserable123455 · 16/12/2024 12:13

WhyDoesDenisNotRhymeWithPenis · 16/12/2024 12:12

You urgently need to prioritise your pension and job, you cannot be dependent on a shit boyfriend. How will you afford life, housing, retirement?

You’re absolutely right. That will be my focus.

OP posts:
Original poster
Miserable123455 · 16/12/2024 12:15

Up until the missed flight home things had always been reasonable between us. Something significant changed then. I can’t forget how cold and cruel he was to me. He even packed his bag and told our son he was leaving.
I think he only stayed because of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Miserable123455 · 16/12/2024 12:23

It’s like every time I try and speak to him he ties me up in knots. He talks over me, he says now I shouldn’t let my finances dictate whether he stays or not. I feel confused all the time. He argues in a way that’s childish and irrational.

OP posts:
WhyDoesDenisNotRhymeWithPenis · 16/12/2024 12:28

Stop arguing or having chats with him, the relationship is over, laser focus on financial security.