Partner Might Leave

[Miserable123455]

Hi, I’ve name changed. My partner and I have been together for 28 years, we have three children.

For background, he works long hours and runs a lot, marathons etc. He is 52 and the kids love him, he is mostly a good person.

Im in the midst of peri menopause and trying to get hrt sorted. Our son has additional needs, is about to sit GCSEs. My parent has late stage dementia and has just moved into a nursing home. Life is incredibly difficult at the moment. I’m finding it all hard.

My partner likes to go out three to four times a year and get absolutely wasted - so drunk he can’t walk. Last year he had to be carried off a train by two men into our daughter’s car. The year before he fell asleep on the train, ended up at a different town and then tried to walk the 20 miles home along a dark dangerous road. He was picked up by the police and brought home. He also has a week in Ibiza with his friends every September. The trip before last he missed his flight home and had to pay for another. Money we didnt have.

When he missed the flight he just sent me a short text saying - I’ve missed the flight, will be home tomorrow! No explanation or apology. I had been alone with our sen son who can be challenging. I was knackered and looking forward to him being home. I flipped out when I got the text and did reply with some pretty nasty stuff.. you idiot, that kind of thing. When he got back he told me I had been unreasonable and why couldn’t I have supported him, he was tired after a week of clubbing and being up all night. He said he was leaving, he didn’t love me and was going to his mums. After a day of tears and arguing he agreed to stay.

The weekend before last he went to a rave in Manchester, stayed over and I made no contact with him whilst there.

He was out this weekend so I asked him to please be careful, that I worried about him and could he please catch the bus home at a reasonable time. He said he would. Gets to 7 and he’s still not home. They had met for breakfast at 10 am and it would be solid drinking from then on. I offered to go get him, he said he’d walk, again along a dark dangerous road. In the interests of not causing an argument I let him. He wasn’t home after an hour so I rang him, he shouted “f&ck off at me down the phone” ! He seemed ok when he got back and has been fine since but sulky and quiet so I said what’s wrong.

Now again, he’s saying he doesn’t like me, I have two days a month when I’m happy, I’m aggressive and controlling when he goes out. He doesn’t know if he can stay or if he loves me.

I honestly worry about him and yes I’m agressive when these things happen because I’m angry and upset. He’s a grown man with a family. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to consider us and not just get as pissed as humanly possible.

We aren’t married, a compromise I made for
him. Now I work part time and would struggle to live alone with the kids financially.

I do feel like our relationship is over and I’m just clinging on to something that’s not there.

Is it still with a frequency of 4 times a year, or is this becoming more often and thats the problem?
If the frequency hasn't increased, I'd say that you have somehow managed to get past it for 15 years, so why you are not now is about you to a degree. Menopause increases anxiety levels, so that probably explains how you react. There is a big difference between ending a relationship and feeling like you have to have it out with him each time. I don't know how you haven't lost respect for him, his behaviour at his age is embarrassing. You know it, he knows it, so is there any point in going over it each time? Times where he does it, change tactics- if nothing else, it will confuse him. Disengage, expect he's going to do it. Don't contact him at all on his nights out, don't get involved, grey rock, ignore - see how he likes that? Changing how you react to it might make him think. If he asks, respond calmly " if you don't care about your own safety, why should I". That is how I'd deal between now and when you are ready to leave. Actually, it's easier for him to leave, so if he says he wants to, let him go, then take all the time you need to arrange selling the house and getting half the equity. If he stops paying the mortgage meantime, you could probably manage £300 per month on your own. Don't panic, you have more control than you think.

Because it takes time. And your upbringing, i had so much baggage from my family, I literally froze because it felt like being abandoned again! My Dad left my. family when I was young, it literally brings up all those feelings of abandomet as a child

This, I just think back to what I thought of such people back then....
The youth must be having a good old laugh at him.

Good luck OP, remember that your son can still see his dad all the time and have a relationship with him if you’re not together. I’d definitely take some time to mentally separate from him, invest your energy into your own health, maybe get some counselling, pour your care into your relationships with your friends and family and having good times with your kids, and getting your work sorted…do things on your timetable.

its increased as the kids have got older and are no longer dependent. The clubbing scene is new, since he turned 50.

There are many occasions on which things have happened. His friends funeral for example. He got absolutely wasted then too.

My anxiety has increased and also my life stresses have increased. My dad, the meno my once cute autistic son is now a teenager dealing with some big teenage things and life with him is harder now than it’s ever been. I probably do react differently now because I feel I needed him to support me and our family more now than ever!

You’re right, there is no point - my mum said this on Saturday when I told her I was anxious about what state he’d get into. She said just let him - you have a nice night with the kids and let him be an arse!

The whole relationship is wrong and it’s over, that’s what bother me. People cheat on people they love so I can’t see why he wouldn’t cheat on someone he doesn’t like.

When he went to the rave this year I was happy because I knew he was staying over and I wouldn’t have to see him in such a state. I had no intention of texting him. He texted me a photo of their room early in the afternoon when he got there. It was a super cheap budget room, I replied asking who was going on the top bunk and he just ignored it - despite being active on watsapp all evening and as late as 3 a.m. He then drove home the next day and went to do a night shift on Sunday night at stressful job that requires high levels of concentration and safety. He then complained all week about how exhausted he was because. The implication was that I hadn’t been quiet enough during the day. When I pointed out that it would be the clubbing until 3 am the night before a night shift that had made him exhausted he had a go at me, saying no it wasn’t that.. and he hadn’t been implying we had been noisy in the house. Once again I was twisting things!

It’s like that all the time. Miserable!!

Oh that's slightly weird. All the men of his age I know who go raving/Ibiza (all 50+, 'Peter Pan', single coke/pillheads who have sex with young women who use them for money/guest list status and laugh about them behind their backs), were into it in their 20s and just never stopped.

It’s definitely a relatively new thing for him.

to do a night shift on Sunday night at stressful job that requires high levels of concentration and safety
I really hope he's not a HCP or operating machinery/train/bus etc

Wow just wow .
I can’t believe he is 52 jeeze

He hasn’t grown up and doesn’t intend too .
He is in the wrong so threatens to leave you if you spend up.
I think you need to look into splitting op.
See what money you would be entitled too

Do you own a house as you would still be entitled to what you put in married or not.

Operating machinery. They used to have random drugs testing but not sure if they still do.

I know this comment will get some people's backs up, but I'm going to post it anyway: a man in his 50s going to clubs and raves is just fucking creepy and pathetic.

Absolutely 'let him' leave, @Miserable123455. Or better yet, tell him you're done with him.

Sounds like you need to make plans to move away from him.

But in the mean time just let him get on with it. If he wants to act like a complete idiot let him. If he's coming home wasted make sure you and the dc aren't there and go away for the night / next day, if he's complaining being tired just ignore.

My ex went to Ibiza with friends for his 40th birthday, he didn't really enjoy it as the younger generation would all come up to him in the clubs and congratulate him to still be clubbing at his age.

Don’t argue with him. You can’t win. You can’t reason with him. Learn the grey rock method and employ it.

Your articulate, you said so yourself but when someone is gaslighting you it makes no difference because they are not interested in having an adult conversation or listening to anyone’s opinions or feelings it’s about turning everything on its head to make you feel in the wrong. He is deflecting everything you say deliberately being obtuse because he, like the saying goes “bullshit baffles brains” wants you confused and feeling outmanoeuvred each time you communicate with him. This is the reason why you’re feeling angry and unheard! There is a brick wall between you that he has built that is impossible for you to surmount.
He has a big problem with drink, he might only go out four times a year but he can’t stop when he starts and gets to the point where he gets into dangerous situations. It will get more frequent @Miserable123455 and you need to split up from him and have a happy, peaceful life and leave him so he’s free to pursue his passion. Alcohol

He doesn't like, love or respect you.

He doesn't enjoy your company.

He doesn't want to be with you and you are being an irritating distraction from his midlife crisis (in his eyes).

Your children will soon be in their own independent years, off doing their own thing, however that may look.

You're ten years younger than me. You potentially have decades ahead of you. How do you want those to look and feel?

Beware the sunk cost fallacy - 'I've invested so much into this relationship I can't waste it all by leaving it now':
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-sunk-cost-fallacy-7106851

How will your next phase be? That's in your hands.

Incidentally, this question will get pounced on here, but like your DC, is he also ND?

Not to labour a point...I'm not sure the missing the plain story stacks up.

Airports as a rule don't call flights these days. Yes they will call individual passengers who have checked in and late to the gate, but that's all.

Missing checked in passengers are a real pain for airlines - if they have checked luggage on, it has to be taken off and that can take ages.

He had hand luggage only so no checked in bags. X

I think he sounds horrible. He's trying to divert you from his shitty behaviour by blaming you for shouting at him. Sod that for a game of marbles. If you want to stay until the summer spend the time smiling sweetly at him whilst sorting out money etc etc.

What in the name of God is a dad doing at a rave and in ibiza. What a creep and a selfish prk.

Hi OP just wondered how you're getting on? You replied on a thread of mine before saying you were in a similar position to me at the time. I would pm you but it looks like this option is now not available on mumsnet?
Anyway, hope you're doing OK.

How are you doing now?

I’m ok thanks, my dad is very sick right now so he is my focus and priority… along with my son. Waiting until the summer before making any decisions.

I don’t think he’ll ever admit he has a problem. He is a good dad though and a reasonably good partner for the majority of the year.