Partner Might Leave

[Miserable123455]

Hi, I’ve name changed. My partner and I have been together for 28 years, we have three children.

For background, he works long hours and runs a lot, marathons etc. He is 52 and the kids love him, he is mostly a good person.

Im in the midst of peri menopause and trying to get hrt sorted. Our son has additional needs, is about to sit GCSEs. My parent has late stage dementia and has just moved into a nursing home. Life is incredibly difficult at the moment. I’m finding it all hard.

My partner likes to go out three to four times a year and get absolutely wasted - so drunk he can’t walk. Last year he had to be carried off a train by two men into our daughter’s car. The year before he fell asleep on the train, ended up at a different town and then tried to walk the 20 miles home along a dark dangerous road. He was picked up by the police and brought home. He also has a week in Ibiza with his friends every September. The trip before last he missed his flight home and had to pay for another. Money we didnt have.

When he missed the flight he just sent me a short text saying - I’ve missed the flight, will be home tomorrow! No explanation or apology. I had been alone with our sen son who can be challenging. I was knackered and looking forward to him being home. I flipped out when I got the text and did reply with some pretty nasty stuff.. you idiot, that kind of thing. When he got back he told me I had been unreasonable and why couldn’t I have supported him, he was tired after a week of clubbing and being up all night. He said he was leaving, he didn’t love me and was going to his mums. After a day of tears and arguing he agreed to stay.

The weekend before last he went to a rave in Manchester, stayed over and I made no contact with him whilst there.

He was out this weekend so I asked him to please be careful, that I worried about him and could he please catch the bus home at a reasonable time. He said he would. Gets to 7 and he’s still not home. They had met for breakfast at 10 am and it would be solid drinking from then on. I offered to go get him, he said he’d walk, again along a dark dangerous road. In the interests of not causing an argument I let him. He wasn’t home after an hour so I rang him, he shouted “f&ck off at me down the phone” ! He seemed ok when he got back and has been fine since but sulky and quiet so I said what’s wrong.

Now again, he’s saying he doesn’t like me, I have two days a month when I’m happy, I’m aggressive and controlling when he goes out. He doesn’t know if he can stay or if he loves me.

I honestly worry about him and yes I’m agressive when these things happen because I’m angry and upset. He’s a grown man with a family. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to consider us and not just get as pissed as humanly possible.

We aren’t married, a compromise I made for
him. Now I work part time and would struggle to live alone with the kids financially.

I do feel like our relationship is over and I’m just clinging on to something that’s not there.

He doesn’t seem to care at all.

My divorce isn't what I wanted for me or my children either but we are all thriving out of the marriage. Me especially is doing a million times better than I would have expected. He's a pathetic twat.

Free yourself.

@Miserable123455 Did you say he was 52???? I thought you meant 5 after reading this!! he does not go out and get legless 4 times a year! He seems to have done it twice in the last few weeks alone!! he is a horrible selfish drunk! I dont know any 52 year olds who still go to raves either!!!!!! when does he ever stay in to let you go out????

Gosh Op I really hope you get your shit together and manage to get away from him.He sounds awful.
It sounds as if you do most of the childcare, so it wouldn't be that much different without him.He'd have to pay for the kids.You wouldn't be wondering where he is all the time, because he would no longer be your problem.

Fuck me. He’s turning his shitty behaviour around on you, I can’t believe you’re even questioning your response to this selfish man child. He’s 52 and a father, not 18! Get rid of this useless idiot.

It's never what you'd want for a family, but it might be better in the long run for you.Might be time for you to have some you time?

If he’s saying he wants to leave, tell him to go. Call his bluff. At this point that’s the only way you get some control of the situation. Otherwise you’re just waiting to be left.

Is there a mortgage on the house still? Could you count on him to still pay his share if he moved out? What about savings?

To hell with the tears and arguing. Pack his bag and make it clear that it's the last thing you will ever do for him.

I'd wait until after your son's exams...could have a major impact on his life if he doesn't cope. Use the time to get yourself sorted so you are in a strong position come spring. It's only six months.

He’s only recently being diagnosed with ASD and wouldn’t cope. He loves his dad. I’ll have no choice but to wait until after exams.

How will I live alongside the smug git for that long though.

A small mortgage. About £300 a month. This sounds a bit weird but my family have always been really careful with money and my dad worked very hard, he had a good job and invested his money. They’re wealthy and I know my mum would help me out financially - if needed.

I don’t think she’s ever really liked him. My dad is very sick with Alzheimer’s and has just moved into a home. It’s been horrific for us all to be honest.

I’d make that never!

Sorry for everything that's going on.

It 100% sounds like he's taking drugs on these nights out. I don't know anyone that attends raves and doesn't take drugs. Also rife in Ibiza.

When you say you're aggressive towards him, what do you mean?

I honestly cannot find any reason to want to be with that man from everything you've described. I understand that your son idolises him and that's what makes this even scarier. Don't let your son watch this man treat you like this. He cannot think this is ok!

So when he texted me to say he’d missed his flight. I texted many times asking for an explanation. I called him a f’ing idiot. Asked where he was (I assumed he was pissed or in a bar)! Asked how it could happen.
When he got home he pretended it was all ok but then we went to walk the dog and he started saying he was leaving and he couldn’t be with me because of my reaction.

He says when I get stressed I raise my voice. I question him, ask what time he’ll be home. This is mainly in the past following the missed flight. This year he went to Ibiza without incident.. that I know of.
He speaks in a calm monotone voice all the time.

Your husband is 52!! We aren't talking about a single man who's in his 20s! He's going out at weekends to raves/parties etc and getting paralytic drunk and buggering off to Ibiza for a week every September too!! Is he having some kind of mid-life crisis?! It's the only reason why I can think a grown man of 52, who has a partner and children, decides to behave like a selfish tosser, whilst trying to relive his youth!!! Yes, I'd be furious if my husband (who is 51!) kept behaving like this. No one says your husband can't go out with his friends, but going on a bender for the weekend, and getting into stupid situations due to boozing is ridiculous. Of course you're cross and upset, because he's behaving like he's 20!!

He sounds like a complete gaslighting psycho. Yes, objectively raising your voice is bad but in these situations, abuser is always calm and the victim is upset, crying, shouting and reacting - because of the horrible situation they are in. This is usually orchestrated by the abuser to show the victim (and the people around them) that the victim is "crazy", "unhinged" and "mad". Look at yourself, OP - you already putting blame on yourself. No, you done nothing wrong. But you need to leave him, as I can see this is not going to end well - he clearly hates you and he is definitely see you as an enemy.

Re your earlier post about clubs - dont be naïve. Young girls are one of the main reasons your cunt of a husband goes clubbing.

So you are in peri menopause, have a son who requires a lot of care and a lovely dad who has just gone into a care home?
And this ‘man’ of 52 is planning going to raves and trips to Ibiza? I’m a similar age, I liked a good party… in the 90’s! I know some people my age who go to the odd rave over the summer but it’s for nostalgia. It’s not a whole week in Ibiza.
He sounds absolutely pathetic. Imagine being that age and having to get carried off a train?
You have enough going on OP and this man is voting with his feet and leaving you to it, while he gets to act like an overgrown teenager.
Please do not waste any more of your life on this man. Get as much help as you can from your own family and free yourself. You are doing nothing wrong and he is absolutely vile to you.
Do you went to be stuck like this when he’s still doing this in his 60’s? You will have wasted so much of your life if you do that.
Let him get on with it. There is nothing more pathetic than seeing a man like that on a night out, acting as if he’s still a young man, when really he just looks sad.
He’s not Liam Gallagher nor is he Fatboy Slim.

No, I’m 50 next year, I have two amazing daughters who are simply the best. One is at uni and thriving and the other working so financially independent but living at home. I have fought tooth and nail to get our son his diagnosis and it’s hard daily, getting him to school and keeping him healthy and active and emotionally regulated.

I love a good night out too but I know when to stop!! I look forward to coming home, to getting into bed and being cosy. I fun the next day and don’t need to spend the whole day in bed like he does.

I think I would feel loved if I had someone offering to come and get me after I’d been out drinking since 10 am with only poached egg on sour dough in my tummy!!!

Ive worked bloody hard to get my hormones under some kind of control. I joined a gym at the beginning of the year and have been going religiously. I’ve had a coil fitted .. all to try and stop flying off the handle and cope with the bloody tough life I’m facing.

Im very close to both my parents, we’ve been on holidays together for years and never spent a Christmas apart.. until now. It’s harder than I imagined and I know I’m going to watch my dad die a slow and horrid death. My mum has never lived alone so I’m supporting her too.

He’s a selfish prick and I know ultimately I’ll be happier without him. I just need to make sure I don’t rise to whatever bait he’ll throw my way. I need to remember who I am.

He’s not good looking either, very skinny and quite gaunt!

Sounds like a classic narcissist to me. I had one of those for 30 years complete manchild not capable of doing anything and always blamed me for his outrageous behaviour honestly get your ducks around get rid

Turning 50 is a huge life event @Miserable123455 time to start putting your own health and happiness at the centre of it. Of course you are still a busy mum and a caring daughter. You have SO much going for you.

Make plans to leave him OP. This isn’t going to get any better.
I think your only regret will be that you didn’t do so before now.

An alcoholic isn’t just someone who drinks all the time. It’s anyone who cannot control their drinking. He can’t control his drinking. He’s at very least a problem drinker. He will almost def be taking drugs when he’s away to places like Ibiza. I would imagine he’s been playing away whilst there last time. The reason he’s being so awful to you is because he’s an abusive man with a drink problem. He wants you to be compliant and never question him. You’re not allowed to have feelings because it’s inconvenient to his single, party life. Your job is to birth and raise the children and never expect anything of him. See a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. Use the turn to us website to see what benefits you might be entitled to whilst you look ok for more work. If your child has SEN then you should apply for disability benefits for him and carers allowance for yourself. Also, your sync should be paying maintenance for him too.

I would have done the same - though I probably would have left him long before that.

My friends ll said they would have done the same too! He says no one he’s spoken to would have done the same. I should have been supportive of him and his massive come down.