Partner Might Leave

[Miserable123455]

Hi, I’ve name changed. My partner and I have been together for 28 years, we have three children.

For background, he works long hours and runs a lot, marathons etc. He is 52 and the kids love him, he is mostly a good person.

Im in the midst of peri menopause and trying to get hrt sorted. Our son has additional needs, is about to sit GCSEs. My parent has late stage dementia and has just moved into a nursing home. Life is incredibly difficult at the moment. I’m finding it all hard.

My partner likes to go out three to four times a year and get absolutely wasted - so drunk he can’t walk. Last year he had to be carried off a train by two men into our daughter’s car. The year before he fell asleep on the train, ended up at a different town and then tried to walk the 20 miles home along a dark dangerous road. He was picked up by the police and brought home. He also has a week in Ibiza with his friends every September. The trip before last he missed his flight home and had to pay for another. Money we didnt have.

When he missed the flight he just sent me a short text saying - I’ve missed the flight, will be home tomorrow! No explanation or apology. I had been alone with our sen son who can be challenging. I was knackered and looking forward to him being home. I flipped out when I got the text and did reply with some pretty nasty stuff.. you idiot, that kind of thing. When he got back he told me I had been unreasonable and why couldn’t I have supported him, he was tired after a week of clubbing and being up all night. He said he was leaving, he didn’t love me and was going to his mums. After a day of tears and arguing he agreed to stay.

The weekend before last he went to a rave in Manchester, stayed over and I made no contact with him whilst there.

He was out this weekend so I asked him to please be careful, that I worried about him and could he please catch the bus home at a reasonable time. He said he would. Gets to 7 and he’s still not home. They had met for breakfast at 10 am and it would be solid drinking from then on. I offered to go get him, he said he’d walk, again along a dark dangerous road. In the interests of not causing an argument I let him. He wasn’t home after an hour so I rang him, he shouted “f&ck off at me down the phone” ! He seemed ok when he got back and has been fine since but sulky and quiet so I said what’s wrong.

Now again, he’s saying he doesn’t like me, I have two days a month when I’m happy, I’m aggressive and controlling when he goes out. He doesn’t know if he can stay or if he loves me.

I honestly worry about him and yes I’m agressive when these things happen because I’m angry and upset. He’s a grown man with a family. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to consider us and not just get as pissed as humanly possible.

We aren’t married, a compromise I made for
him. Now I work part time and would struggle to live alone with the kids financially.

I do feel like our relationship is over and I’m just clinging on to something that’s not there.

You should have told him yes your right info want one of those so feck off! Honestly OP you ha e to take some control back from this quite frankly useless man child. Start putting yourself first because he certainly isn’t .

Something other than drinking and drug taking happened in Ibiza. Hence the coldness, name calling etc

Look he's a 52 yr old man behaving like he's 20, getting himself into unsafe situations, one of which his 17 yr old daughter had to sort out for him. He's crossed a line and needs to go.

Get your ducks in a row - start applying for f/t / better jobs in the new year.

Your partner has a drinking problem that he won't admit to. You don't have to put up with it.

Nothing you’ve said suggests drugs or hook ups @Miserable123455.

I would be the woman who laughs off a missed flight - shit happens. Particularly knowing he had to reorganise himself with a raging hangover 😂

Being mean is just unnecessary and I think the relationship has run its course. Sometimes men lose a bit of respect for you if you beg them to stay and I think that may have happened here. He also flexed the boundaries in Ibiza and got away with it, so now he feels like he can say and do what he likes with impunity.

Begging an alcoholic to stay is not a normal reaction. You should be much, much angrier at his behavior. He is trying to cast you as the nag, but he deserves your full wrath and you haven’t even unleashed it yet.

I would do some reading on alcohol codependency, get your ducks in a row, and get rid of him.

Maybe in different circumstances I would have laughed too but life is difficult and it wasn’t an easy week whilst he was away. He also offered no explanation for the missed flight .
I would have called and explained rather than a short off hand text. Perhaps then I would have laughed too.

I think you’re right though. He seems to have the upper hand now. I do wish I’d let him go that day.

He’s an alcoholic with a drug problem and I really really wouldn’t be shocked if he shags whoever he wants to as well - hence the nastiness towards you (the script etc).

how old are your kids (one is over 18?) how many left at home? Sounds like all teens or maybe just DS needs you.

I would be looking to put the house on the market and start a new more peaceful life. Please emotionally unattach from him

He’s gaslighting you.
Go to a solicitor get some legal advice. Look at your finances , ducks in a row OP.
He is the one with the problem , drink , drugs , second childhood aspirations not you!
Hes bringing stress , drama and unhappiness to you non of which is your fault.
Youve tried, you’ve brought up his kids, cared for him and he’s treating you like …. He doesn’t want this relationship anymore - that’s his loss
You will be much happier in the long term without him.
See a solicitor and get legal and financial advice

He doesn’t drink for the majority of the year but it’s these benders he goes on.

I think I’ve made the decision that it’s over. I’m unhappy and rightly or wrongly feel I deserve more.

it’s just my son, I feel it’s the wrong time to do this to him. I’ve lasted 20 odd years maybe I should stick it out until summer.. for his sake!

I think you are making the right decision.

He's unreliable and disloyal and gas lighting that you are the problem.

And only a dim twat misses a flight home after a week of partying and doesn't apologise to their spouse. Following that up with a strop and telling their kids they are leaving is just fucking pathetic. You and your kids deserve so much better.

Personally I'd stay but effectively check out of the relationship, concentrate on sorting pension and plans.
But only you can say whether you can hang on until end of next June. I wouldn't blame you either way.

You aren’t doing anything to your son. His useless dad is. Can you go iff on weekend benders and miss flights back while he looks after everyone at home? No. Because he is a shit partner and father who only does what he wants nit what the children need. And he always was as he had three children with a woman he did not care enough to marry snd protect financially.

Focus on your finances, see a solicitor, sell anything you can while he is away on his next bender, do not guilt buy Christmas presents. You can’t afford to live life as the perfect mother and mistress of the revels. If he doesn’t like it he can and should move in with his mum. Im sure it will be lovely catering to an 80 year old without you to do the wifework.

Tbh just right now, I’d leave him be. I’d tell him that’s fine, he can do whatever he wants but to not expect me to be supportive if he gets injured/is tired/whatever.

He wants to do as he pleases re going out. Fine. Up to him to ALSO face tte music when he struggles (and yes that would include not involving his 17yo dd to pick him up drunk at the station)

Then I’d protect myself.
Find a full time job. Look after your pension. Look at finances. Are they actually fair knowing you’re not married? Is he paying his way? Look at ways you can save some money etc….

Bear in mind he might also well bind his time until the dcs are over 18yo and he doesn’t have to pay CM etc….

As a fellow woman, I'm telling now, I would NOT tolerate this nonsense. He would have the same type of reaction from any woman. It's taking the piss. It's very easy to say, end it, walk away. I totally understand it's a scary step. I truly think for your happiness, which is important for you, and your DC, it's the best move you can make. This is a man child, who is totally gaslighting you to make you believe you are in the minority with your opinions on what he does, I can assure you, you are not. Hugs OP xx

You could spend the next few months sorting out your finances and speaking to a solicitor

Then you'd be ready to go straight after your sons exams finish

I think I’ll bide my time as suggested. It’s our first Christmas without my dad and it’s going to be hard enough without this additional sadness.

it’s impossible to talk to him about anything so I need to focus on me and my future.

I used to ask him about getting married and I never got a straight answer as to why he was so dead against it. He’s childish and can’t communicate well.

Your husband is a 52 year old saddo, pretending he is 20. You dont need to put up with his bullshit.

You shouldn’t have settled for this “saddo” as PP rightly pointed out. He must have blinded you with a ton of stupid, self satisfied, crap for you to have accepted this shitty treatment without walking away. Its one thing to be in a sexual relationship without marriage but at the point you had children with him he should have been happy to marry you. When he turned you down you should have walked away.

Hi Op. I am basically in the same situation, right down to the drinking to the point of blackout and the solo holidays. The only difference is that my man child did marry me but then refused to have any children. Now, after 14 years together, I’ve discovered he’s been having an emotional affair for 6 months. I don’t really have any advice but wanted to commiserate. I hope you can find the strength to leave.

Oh I’m so sorry! I don’t have any evidence of any kind of affair other than this constant picking at me. I’m not perfect but I feel
something has changed. I can’t put my finger on it. I don’t have access to his phone but he’s on it a lot but then so am I.

We used to be quite happy but lately it’s like I don’t know him anymore. He seems so unhappy with me.

I have made a big mistake staying for as long as I have. He won’t change because he doesn’t see what he’s doing is wrong.

It sounds as though he has never committed to you. He doesn't respect your feelings or consider the effect his behaviour has on you. His drinking hasn't hit rock bottom either or he would stop.

He's shown you who he is, so you should believe him. Go and see a solicitor about separating and your rights. Well done on keeping the house in both names.

Start making a plan to leave or kick him out. As it's so close to Christmas you may want to hold fire till the New Year before you tell him, but start planning now.

This is behaviour that would be gratingly juvenile in a 30-something; in a 50-something it's just downright pathetic and selfish.

Personally I couldn't tolerate it. I would put a line through the relationship in your head and spend the next few months sorting out your financial situation (to be honest, the fact that he has never married you tells you everything you need to know about how much he cares about your wellbeing).

You are showing aggression and contempt in a relationship, and no relationship can survive when those two things are present. This doesn't mean the failure of the relationship is due to your aggression and contempt, but it does mean that you have not been taking your own feelings seriously enough for a long time.

When you're at the point of acting out in a relationship, it means you've been pushed well past your tolerance point. In basically healthy relationships, both partners have the tolerance levels to handle conflicts and difficult discussions in a fairly calm and respectful way. Any overt aggression in your partner OR in yourself should be a major red flag that something is seriously off.

So I do think you need to think about your own boundaries and what stresses you missed/why you didn't honour your own needs/feelings that you have ended up behaving in a way that you feel is below your own dignity.

@MyrtleStrumpet no point in wasting money on a solicitor, OP has chosen to have zero rights, she's legally single. They just have to sort selling the house or one buys the other out.

You’ve expressed this so clearly - thank you!

I was thinking about it and it’s been like this on and off for years. 15 years ago at his best friends wedding he was the best man. He got absolutely wasted and had to be taken back to the room after his speech. His friends put him in a cold bath and gave him coffee and he rejoined the wedding hours later . I was left alone for hours with people I hardly knew. When I grumbled to his friend about it he told me I was being selfish and he was just having a good time.

These two men are his best friends and now both divorced themselves. He’s told me everyone he’s spoken to says I am being unreasonable about the drinking and the missed flights. I’m not sure who is saying this to him.

These two men are his best friends and now both divorced themselves. He’s told me everyone he’s spoken to says I am being unreasonable about the drinking and the missed flights. I’m not sure who is saying this to him.

"Everyone" means his two divorced mates, who are probably divorced for the exact same reasons that you're considering leaving him, and equally unable to reflect on the effect their behaviour has on their relationships.